Things you wouldn't admit in real life part 2

[TwinklyFawn]

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My mum shouldn't have had kids. Especially not 2. Im the only one of 4 granddaughters who has a child. I think the others saw how much their mum hates having kids and thought no thanks.

Make that 3. I do have a child but had a total breakdown at my first midwifes appointment when she asked about what sort of birth I'd like. Long story short (and a couple of hospital psychiatrist appointments later) I was diagnosed with tokophobia, which is a 'significant fear of childbirth'. It's something I rarely hear discussed but I suspect it's more common than we might think. And it's very real and very visceral. I was luckily able to have a c-section, but without knowing I could do it that way I would never ever have had a child. I KNOW that attempting a vaginall birth would have dealt me psychological damage. I'm just not equipped to handle it. As it stands (10 years later) I still can't watch any sort of birthing scene in movies, and (very sorry, really don't mean any rudeness or offence by this as I know it's 100% my issue but) pregnancy and seeing heavily pregnant women horrifies me. I find it grotesque (which is apparently a common trait in those with tokophobia).
So yeah, you're not alone x

Surely it's not the norm in the UK to have invitations to funerals?

The funeral time is published - people turn up...

Or it's a private funeral - and that will be stated in the death notice.

@godmum56
Sorry I was referring to your comment re vaguely known people attending a funeral and your comment re them being invited..

That I go on Mumsnet! I have a lots of trans and gender queer friends, who would be most unwelcome and they know the site's rep. But I just love me some petty parking threads, and to stand up for my mates sometimes. Plus I know that there are allies on here as well, rare as they are.

I have always sought out long-term relationships with partners who have families like that. Now we go on holidays to big houses in the country and all the kids play together and share a big room full of bunkbeds.

It is 1,000,000 miles away from my family.

well if you are either not going to put a notification in the papers, which we have never done in our family, or you are going to say in the notification that the funeral is private, then how else are the people who you do want to have there know when and where to go unless you invite them? I am not saying sending cards or anything but surely they will have to be told that you'd like them to be there?

I'll probably never admit this in real life and it's a very personal circumstance but I have a relative who was desperate for a child. Tried for years and years and years. She's got the most vile personality, she always wants what other people have, and when she was trying I suspected that's all it was when it came to having this child. Growing up as kids I could never have something of my own, she always complained and complained until she got the same or better.

Now the kid is here she can't wait to palm him off on everybody. She can't just sit at home with him. She's always got to be visiting a relative so they take over. She'll just walk in, dump the kid in front of you and fabricate an important phone call that needs to be taken away from humanity that is really something that could have been a text, email, or a conversation that could wait face to face.

If it's not a phone call, it's a vape. She needs to go for a vape. She's not had one all day.

Some people might say what about post-natal depression? No. She's had the benefit of the doubt. She's always been this toxic. People aren't people to her, they're things. They always have been. If she can't use them, she throws them away.

I'm sure there is some sort of mental health condition going off but I'd say it's more of a personality disorder for which she would see no personal benefit from having investigated.

And the way she barks at this poor kid makes me feel violent inside. It's never just a no, we don't do that. It's a full on scream. Not even at misbehaviour, but general baby poor gross motor function that knocks things over, makes bangs and clatters, or occasionally swipes to the face when they're just trying to explore with their hands. Or putting their hands in the ice cream of an ice cream cone, because he's not got a foggy clue of what an ice cream actually is.

I'm sure in her head she justifies it as being a good, disciplined mum, but I can't bare it. It feels abusive.

The first thing this baby does when he comes in is goes for the tv remote and gripes until his favourite show is put on. Babies shouldn't have favourite shows! They're babies! It's just clearly so automatically embedded in him that the TV must be on, and must be what he wants to watch. Often, it's the only way he will calm down after being screamed at.

You don't need a crystal ball to see the stars weren't in alignment for this child since before he was even conceived.

Sometimes I feel like a horrible person for having this perception, and feel like this child needs as many rational thinking role models in his life as possible because he's going to need it, to feeling an utter rage that I can never let out.

I cling to some hope that she can turn it around but nothing will change because she doesn't see any problems.

It's made me consider cutting off a whole branch of my family just so I never have to bare witness to it.

I'm repelled by breastfeeding. Myself breastfeeding and the thought of it or talking about it rather than jist seeing someone do it in public.

It's a mix between the actual process of shoving a boob into a mouth to be suckled on and the sort of society expectancy that it's meant to be a nice lovey dovey bonding experience.

I know it's best. I know it's natural. I know we're animals but it just feels gross. Nothing to do with the sexuslisation of breasts (or at least consciously) just something about it.

I did my best for 6 weeks but couldn't bear any more. It made me feel gross and I think i had DMER. I got a real rush of dopamine cuddling up for a bottle feed, looking into their eyes and stroking their cheek. So went with that.

I would never admit this in real life and go along with the narrative that I'm devastated our bf journey didn't last longer but in actual fact I'm relieved. My best friend is extended feeding and outwardly I'm full of praise about how she should be so proud, but thinking about it just makes me feel a bit grim.

Ooh that was cathartic.

Oh dear, this is quite Victorian isn’t it? Maybe imbedded deep in cultural subconscious(?) back when children mortality rates were high (but obvs also more kids due to lack of contraception)

penny insurance policies for newborns are (just) within my memory. They were taken out before the birth of a child and intended to cover a baby's funeral if it became necessary.

Solidarity @Muffinmam it is so tough and when the pain is bad from it I struggle to walk and am constantly aware of it (and worrying if and how it will heal). Yeah I also had to switch to non- penicillin antibiotics due to allergy reaction. Sending you hugs today, we can do this xx

There is nothing wrong in how you feel - it is surprisingly common and I have known several women who have felt as you do. In the Victorian era and earlier, it was common practice for wealthy ladies to send their babies to wetnurses before reliable milk substitutes and bottles were around. I have also known many other women who tried, unsuccessfully, to breastfeed their first child, turned with relief to bottle feeding and did not even try to breastfeed their second child. I did enjoy breastfeeding but I feel the same revulsion you feel about breastfeeding in general for breastfeeding a child over a year old, at least in the West. I remember being in Tesco one time and a young woman sat down on a chair with a child of around 2½..The cĥild started fiddling with her mother's top and then proceeded to breastfeed. Not only was it revolting but completely unnecessary for a child of that age, especially in public.

Oh I can so imagine something similar with my relative I posted about, no judgement here, you are definitely not horrible for thinking that!

I remember reading an article which featured megan markle stating that now they had 2 children their family was complete and that they now felt like ‘real’ parents - I thought it was absolutely disgusting and so tone deaf and potentially damaging to families who have one child, or who can’t have them at all. I didn’t come across any negative reaction to it and it really surprised me.

Having recently read about the photos she took and uploaded for the public, of her putting her feet up in a taxi by the location in Paris where Harry’s mother died (something he still talks about extensively) it kind of made sense. The woman is so self-obsessed she doesn’t trouble herself with how any of her actions may affect others, even her own husband.

Gyms should ban recording devices altogether. If “influencers” …sorry, “content creators” want to film their workouts, they can use a designated studio instead, bookable by the hour for content creation. Better yet, let them all use the studio and film at once and watch how quickly they irritate each other trying to out‑influence one another.

I can't believe the entitlement of many parents nowadays and the resentment towards their baby boomer parents.

Yes my parents probably benefited from cheaper house prices and better pensions but they had other struggles and they certainly are not personally responsible for how things are today! I certainly hold no resentment towards them.

It's also the entitlement and expectations people have of their retired parents. It's almost as if when people retire they are not allowed a life of their own and must be prepared to be on standby at all times, drop everything at the drop of a hat to provide childcare 24/7. People have called their parents "selfish" for wanting to go on holiday when retired and selfish for their parents for referring to their retirement as "their time". I just think wtaf?! They've spent decades raising children and working, of course it's their time!

These are the same people who moan how hard motherhood is and how they never get a break but don't think twice about the health and needs of their own parents and how their parents might finally want a rest and break. I agree it is nice for families and it takes a village to raise a child but some people just want to take from this and be it all on their terms.

My older daughter had an operation before birth and we were told we absolutely had to wait 2 years before I could get pregnant again. It ended up being 3 - my children are pretty much exactly 3 years and 9 months apart. The gap would have been even bigger if IVF hadn't worked first time this go around. It took 8 transfers to have our first daughter. One of my greatest worries is that's by having them so far apart I've deprived them of the chance to have a close sisterly relationship - and the little one is currently only 6 weeks old! So thanks for confirming my fears I guess?

there is 11 years between my sister and I. we didn't have a "play together" childhood but have been close all our adult lives.

@SBMama there is six years between my sister and I, and we have always been super close. Never a cross word, lots of love as children and info to adulthood and sill like that now. To balance that - I have kids who are 3.5 years apart and it’s been a real mixed bag. But they are lovely more than they fight, and it’s teaching us a lot about conflict management - it’s part of growing up to have safe conflicts with siblings but it’s down to the parents to manage it well so that there are not permanent rifts.

You're my kind of person (and I don't even have kids!)

It reminds me of something else I'll never admit out loud (except to my therapist)

My mother wanted to "have babies", not become a person's parent. She had a traumatic childhood and never looked for help with her trauma, despite having adequate money and time to do so. For her, having a little helpless baby to fuss around with was a perfect fantasy where she got to be in control and project all her needs onto something else.

Once I reached 8 or 9, my whole existence was overshadowed by her very explicit resentment that I'd "stopped doing baby things". Once I hit puberty, she was openly spiteful and distant with me, as if I'd deliberately grown up just to upset her. She felt entitled to a picture-perfect mommy life that I'd stolen from her.

We have an ok relationship now, but I still get the impression that she feels blindsided talking to me (a 30-something year old woman) and not a baby.

When I see new parents fixating on the "precious baby stage", I get chills. It's one of the reasons I chose not to have children - my mother made the whole process look obsessive and false.

I look at current parents who aren't that fussed about Baby Fever, and who are genuinely interested in the young men and women that their kids are becoming, and I think "I wish I'd had you instead..."

Please don't worry about the age gap, my sister and I have six years between us. We played together as kids and have a very close relationship as adults. She is my most trusted confidante and one of the people whose company I enjoy most in the whole world.
The idea of a correct/optimal age gap is a myth. You clearly did the responsible thing by spacing your pregnancies out given the medical circumstances. I literally cannot imagine the stress and worry of a baby having to have an operation in utero and you must have been very strong to hold it together for your little one. Being a parent is hard enough, don't beat yourself up about the age gap - I'm sure your kids will be fine 💐

People who tell me im a dwarf at 5 foot 3 are rude and weird.

I actively hate people who wear loungewear and gym sets to do anything other than laze around the house and go to the gym. I've noticed recently I'm becoming more and more aggravated by seeing people walking around in loungewear (pajamas to me) and gym sets as fashion/acceptable for work and everyday life. I know COVID and WFH have made a lot of people want to be more comfortable. I just can't help thinking it's lazy, not particularly nice to see (I'm looking at you, scrunch bum leggings), and I just want people to dress properly and look like they care about their appearance. I'm in my late 30s and just want to be able to wear and buy nice clothes again. I also love doing my hair and makeup. I can't get behind the scruffy bun and a hoodie look.

Everyone's experience is different. Three years is a very nice age gap. It is big enough for you to have special time with each child individually when they are small and small enough for them to play together as they get older. I think this gap is the sweet spot between too small and too large. Congratulations on your new baby.