Moving from private to state - was it a waste?

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Fees becoming unbearable now so DD year 6 we are looking at state schools and she will hopefully get into our local state school come September.

I have a younger DD also in private year 4 and we are thinking of doing the same when she gets into year 6 too.

I just feel it’s been a waste that we spent/will spend so much from age 4 to age 11. Can anyone make me feel a little at ease with our choice please and advise if you did similar, I’m also debating whether to take younger dd out now. My eldest absolutely loves her school and I am so upset for her. She’s naturally a “nerd” and absolutely fits into the life at private school. I’m not so worried about younger one as she’s more feisty and more confident. I’m just really worried eldest DD will get bullied in our local state. It’s not great but it’s definitely not the worst one in area.

I'm currently working temporarily in the prep department in a private school and the impression I'm currently getting is that private is only really worth it if your child is particularly talented at sports, creative arts or MFL, particularly in this school. If they are, it's opportunities galore. It's a different kind of education in my ways.

English and maths don't seem to be prioritised quite as much as the state schools I've worked in, but I suppose this is only one private school.

Following with interest op as I’m in a similar predicament

@Namechangesecretsignature what are you thinking of doing? PM me if you prefer and we can chat on there x

This is offensive. Why do you think that there are no geeks at state school? There are plenty, and I mean PLENTY of intelligent children who have a passion for something geeky like robotics, coding, chess and science who go to state schools. Take your head out of your backside.

And people who could afford private but choose not to… there are several families with high six figure household incomes, second homes, etc in DS’s state primary class. And kids on FSM, and everything in between. It’s good for all of them to get used to mixing with different types of people.

OP’s child is not going to be the one rich kid in a sea of destitute Dickensian orphans. There will be doctors’ kids and lawyers’ kids and plenty of other “suitable” children for her to make friends with.

There are very clever, bookish, nerdy & wealthy dc in state schools particularly in London!

Sounds like this state school could have benefited from a generous parental donation….

Prep school is a waste of money if you can't afford it. Primary schools are not where the problems are.

I'm curious what you mean by, 'protected them'?

I disagree either way this. I’ve seen from my nieces when they were in primary it was really difficult. There were lots of children with needs in the class and teachers attention would be on them, no TA as school couldn’t afford it. There was a TA that the teachers shared across the day I was told my by sister. I think primary is where the foundations are set.

I have four children who have all done various combinations of private/state at all
levels from Y1 to Y12. It’s not a waste. I think a lot of valuable groundwork is done in the early years and that work ethic, expectation and mindset will carry your child through. Every school has hard workers and those who want to break the rules. Your child will
do well because they have you behind them. Good luck. All we can do is our best at the time.

It’s not a waste if they were happy.

That said my tiny rural state primary was absolutely rubbish but many ex pupils ended up at Oxbridge / with first class degrees so I’ve never got that exercised about pushing young children academically at primary.

If I’m being totally honest, and I think that’s where my problem is because truthfully we can afford to send both but it feels like it’s such a big chunk of money coming out every term. We’re doing it now so wouldn’t really make much of a difference next year but I just feel we could be doing more with that money and saving for our future. This is where I’m torn as I know DD is happy and we could potentially put her though senior school with a little more cuts here and there but that’s not really living if we’re having to watch every penny when we actually earn a lot between us. Plus I’ve heard all the kids in the private secondary get tutored as pressure mounts up so why are we spending so much on fees plus having to tutor when we could save this money. I’ve heard from lots of people saying this is true, DD is very able at the moment but I don’t know how she will perform with even more academic students joining in year 7 from other schools. It’s just a really tough decision. Her school is super selective and I feel we by passed the 7+ and 11+ as she gets a place guaranteed. So maybe we should just continue for next 5 years at least till GCSE’s are done but then I’m thinking what we could do with the extra money we won’t be spending in fees. I feel it would be a huge burden off us of not constantly worrying if it’s worth it.

sorry for huge post, I just need to process and can’t chat to people in real life for obvious reasons

I think moving earlier is easier than later. My oldesr went all the way through and would have been devastated to leave at sixth from. On the other hand, he’s the one who is out of touch of what a normal family can afford on cars, houses, holidays etc 😂

The headteacher was telling us that they’ve had to say goodbye to lots of families and 6th form is half of what it usually is. Lots of kids left 6th form so they are focussing on the international students and trying to get more to join (it’s also a boarding school).

I think this is what has made me consider whether to move them. Of course life would be so much easier if they went to state as I wouldn’t have to work so much and we could save up and go on holiday, it’s just little things. I just don’t know truthfully what the right decision is.

There are loads of geeky, nerdy kids at state schools. It's interesting because people all worry about their smaller private school children being potentially bullied at state school, and yet when it comes to university, it's the other way around - people worry about the private school kids bullying the state-educated ones. Somewhere between the ages of 11 and 18, there seems to be a sea change....

I will get shouted at by private school parents but frankly if the state schools are decent I wouldn’t bother. We didn’t neither did the majority of our friends (middle class professionals) and coming out the other end one Dd now at RG university one in 6th form both girls said how much they’ve enjoyed their school years their results are brilliant and they have lovely friends. Genuinely don’t know what we would have been paying those vast sums for.

But it’s subjective and depends what the state option is like there are variations.

There are good state schools and bad state schools. Where I grew up there was a state school (one of the best in the country) that sent a third of their leavers to Oxbridge each year.

I personally don't see much value in private education when there are bad private schools and some really excellent state schools. But personally I would choose a good state school to send my DC to - I wouldn't send them to a badly performing state school or one with bullying etc problems. There's lots of academic/geeky kids in state schools also, so that shouldn't be a worry

If you don’t have enough to fund private school
but do have some extra to play with, then maybe think about the extra-curriculars that your daughter could pick up to feed any interests not met at the new school and to widen her circle if friends. If she started a couple of clubs now then she’d have some new friends out of school by the time she changes schools, this might give her a stronger foundation to feel confident about whilst making the transition.

@MsCactus but how would you know if there’s bullying? I’ve been researching reviews but as expected they are mixed. I’ve asked neighbours and most are positive but some tell me it’s really bad school as they witness the kids walking to and from. I e looked at the data and it seems okay. Te results are above average compared to England schools overall (that’s the government website I looked on and it had average for England compared to school) sorry not making much sense! I’m so tired, spent hours looking online at the data

That’s a really helpful suggestion, thank you. Yes and she might meet other kids potentially going local school and make friends before she starts

But if you think about it your worry isn’t reasonable.

Why should children who attend state school be more inclined to bully than those who can afford private?

Change is often daunting but just think how it sounds to the parents of your DD’s soon-to-be classmates that you worry that their kids will bully yours.

I hope your Dd settles quickly and finds friends.

Have you looked round the schools to compare them? For my DC there was a state school with better academic results but the culture didn't seem nice - I was surprised to visit one with not as good results (but still above average) with a really lovely encouraging culture. Personally I'd ask to look round to get a feel for the culture and directly ask them about their bullying policies etc

However most of my family went to private schools and there was certainly bullying in those schools too. I went to an average state school and there was very little bullying, so again I think it depends on the individual school rather than private Vs state.

I gave them loads, as did other parents. There was a very active PTA which raised 10s of thousands each year. None of that could change mismanagement by the head and staff who spent more time on sick leave than at work.

Private is increasingly a waste. My best friend sends her children to private and every year she complains about it more and more. Online bullying, parents going at eachother on WhatsApp groups, kids not excelling academically and zero support for SEND.

My children go to what I can only describe as a borderline failing comp and they get amazing results, no problem with bullies and have the benefit of a huge pool of friends. Also they mix with a wide variety of kids, from all walks of life and.... that's real life. It's preparing them for the real world.