Asking partner not to eat food I’m severely allergic to ?

[mermaidproblems]

Am I BU? I didn’t think so ?!!!

MIL has lost it today over DP not being able to have fish and chips with her . I’m allergic to fish, shellfish and peanuts. We’ve always had the agreement he avoids these foods too. She has sent me a message telling me I’m too controlling and ‘you can’t tell someone what they can and can’t eat’

It's strange that mil has sent this message after 12 years. Perhaps he told her that he really misses being able to have these foods/ wishes he could have some fish/ had a bit of a whinge about it.
She shouldn't have messaged you about it but maybe something was said between them that you don't know about.

As someone with an extreme sensitivity to gluten cross contamination I can confidently say OP is most definitely not being unreasonable.

I don’t get all the people saying why does it matter what he eats or what he eats if OP is not there - fish especially is one of those things where it just having been in the room earlier that day - even wrapped up - can cause a reaction in someone with a serious allergy (I know of someone who ended up hospitalised in this very situation).

OP - have you also thought about avoiding cross contamination from doorhandles and anything else he might touch if he does have fish - even if he sleeps in another room and has no contact with you for a day or so?

Sounds like he wasn't as highly allergic as OP then considering she did react 8 hours later so it is a problem.

This with bells on

She has sent me a message telling me I’m too controlling

My response to this would be to direct her to her son, and I would tell DP to converse with his DM.

I am not taking that rage bait whatsoever.

I prefer white pudding supper myself but becoming rarer to find these days!

He's CHOSEN not to. OP isn't forcing him

Have you not read what the OP says about how it does make a difference to her? Or are you just not able to understand?

My DH has severe allergies to certain foods. I eat them when out and just don't kiss him afterwards.
It's up to him if he chooses not to eat them, not his mother.

I think this not remotely unreasonable. I had a previous partner who was deathly allergic to nuts. I never had nuts in the house and did not eat nuts at all unless we weren’t going to see each other for several days. It’s not worth the risk. MIL is an unhinged control freak.

I think how she feels about him not eating fish very much should depend on how he worded it to her - does he say “I miss fish so much, I would love to eat it with you but DW would kill me” or does he say “I’m not that bothered about having fish and I it’s not worth the risk with DW’s allergies” - either way, she can think you’re controlling but she’s crossing a line by messaging you that.

One of my sons is severely allergic to peanuts. He has an epipen. Exposure could kill him. I don't eat anything containing peanuts. He had an anaphylactic reaction when traces of a dressing containing peanut oil was brushed on the side of his plate.

When someone has a life threatening reaction to fish, peanuts or any other trigger anyone who's going to touch or kiss them must strictly avoid that trigger.

It's not controlling, it's safeguarding and common sense.

The replies on this thread are INSANE!

OP has a severe enough allergy that she carries an epi pen. No one is focusing on peanuts but just fish. I suspect because they don’t quite believe OP as it’s less common.

If we substitute fish for peanuts and OP explains (as she has) that even him if he ate them at lunch and it cross contaminated, she would become unwell (as she has previously) then asking for them not to be in the house and her DP deciding he won’t even risk eating them, seems perfectly acceptable.

But suddenly as it’s fish, everyone seems to be losing their minds

OP you are entirely reasonable and, to use that MN phrase, you MIL sounds batshit

Add to say that we never have peanuts anywhere in the house.

But it does make a difference to her? She had a reaction from a kiss. What if he had some on his clothes or hands an absentmindedly touched her? It clearly does affect her and her DP sounds like a lovely partner who is trying to avoid this happening

I think MIL is being VVU! You have a severe anaphylactic reaction- it could kill you! Your partner committed to you knowing this would mean he doesn’t eat the foods you’re allergic to (unless you’re away etc). Your DP needs to give his Mum an absolute bollocking, and if I were you I’d be giving her short shrift too.

Oh my gosh, do people on this thread and your MIL not realise that if there was cross contamination it could KILL YOU.

I’ve found that people are so weird about allergies, and get angry at other people for having them. I’ve definitely had to call people out on it before, like someone saying it was selfish of someone with a nut allergy to travel as it meant others couldn’t eat nuts on planes. WTF! I would also absolutely give up something I loved for my partner - it would be hard but what is the alternative?

I think respond to his mother saying that you are severely allergic and it could kill you and he has chosen to give this food up because he loves you and doesn’t want you to die.

The onus is very much on him to explain to his own mother and make it extremely clear that this is HIS choice not to risk eating fish, rather than something you’ve imposed on him.

And she says you’re controlling? Play the uno reverse card.

Compromises like risk hospitalisation or even death from cross-contact - from the air or from a door handle etc??

Given the severity of your allergy and the fact you've had a reaction before to something he has eaten 8 hours prior, and it was his own decision to avoid these foods to keep you safe - yanbu.

She is the one being controlling trying to insist he eats the same as her, that's the weird thing! How have you responded OP? I hope that he has messaged her back to say its his choice, and to leave you alone and stop making a huge drama over what he chooses to eat or not!

I’ve seen similar posts where people have said they should be allowed to eat what they want on a plane and the person with the allergy should have an epi pen then - like that somehow makes it ok, absolutely no understanding whatsoever of the dangers.

MIL needs educating on this. Perhaps she is ignorant of the consequences. You are definitely not controlling.

Make sure she is aware of the facts so she doesn't put you at risk.

It was his decision I didn’t tell him he had to give them up.

That's not what your OP title says

Id reply to her "Pauline, im actually really shocked that you are encouraging him to eat fish and chips when i almost died from kissing him the last time, and now youre calling me controlling. I thought we got on ok, but clearly not if you want me dead".