Niece and my wedding

[BeleagueredBride]

On Sunday evening my brother asked to meet me but I couldn’t but I met him on Monday.

He asked me if I was going to invite his partner’s 9 nearly 10 year old to my wedding.

I said that I hadn’t really thought about it but she could come if they didn’t have childcare. He seemed really relieved.

I had told him ‘asked his permission’ a few weeks ago that I would like to ask his ex as well as I always got on with her and wanted her to see her daughters in their bridesmaids dresses. He was fine with it. I haven’t told ex-sil that she is invited yet nor mentioned bridesmaids to my nieces.

Apparently on Sunday he and his partner were having lunch with one of his daughters and they were talking about my wedding. My youngest niece looked at partner’s daughter and asked what she would be doing that weekend while everyone else was at the wedding.

She then told her dad in the car on her own, that her sister who was not present would not be attending if his stepdaughter would be there trying to be their family.

My own daughter had a shedload of shit from her Dad’s stepdaughter.

I don’t want to upset my nieces and want them to have a good time at my wedding.

Of course it is. He sorts it with the people he would like as his plus one and two, and OP gets on with sorting it as she was always planning to with her bridesmaids.

OP didn't know the back story when she said she could attend.

I won't comment on the nieces but I will call out the op for bullying an innocent 9 year old by excluding her. How anyone could do that is beyond me.

Ah, so you’re one of those shitty parents that raises their children to bully others under the guise of some form of innocence or oppression? Shitty.

YANBU. You said you should come without having any idea as to what the dynamic between them all really is. Now you know, you’ve reasonably changed your mind. Your priority is your nieces (and his partner’s child is indeed not your niece, and nor will she be even if your brother marries her mother), and by following your brother’s lead and trying to force ‘blending’ you run the very real risk of alienating them.

OP, having been somewhat on the other side of this at some point I just want to point this out:

little step niece = innocent

other child members of the family = innocent but in their hurt/upset/potentially brainless/indifference (hard to say) = also innocent but with all the sway

Why oh why would you be considering excluding this innocent child?

It will actually push back family blending by many of years and you’ll be on the wrong side of it. It’ll literally be you, obviously unintentionally, joining in with bullying.

They are nice girls genuinely

They don’t sound like nice girls. I hope that the way they’re behaving is down to upset and anger with their parents and increased hormone levels, but that doesn’t mean they get to bully another child by excluding them from everything. And you’re facilitating them treating a nine year old in the same way that another child treated your daughter. I know that they’re your priority over a child you barely know, but you’re their aunty. You have a responsibility to guide them through life, support them when you can and tell them that they’re doing something really bloody cruel when they’re pulling stuff like this.

I get that they don’t like her, they don’t want her at family meals or at any other family occasions. But she’s nine years old. How much choice do you think she’s getting in where she goes and when? Maybe she doesn’t want to be there. Maybe she doesn’t want your brother or your nieces at her maternal family’s occasions either. Your nieces need to be taking their unhappiness up with their father, not an innocent child. And you need to refuse to allow them to do it. Put them on different tables if you have to, but this is nasty behaviour on the part of your nieces and it needs stamping out.

I can’t follow this? A 9 year old said she wouldn’t go if another person went? Bullshit - my youngest is 8 and it wouldn’t even occur to her that she can refuse to go somewhere that she’s been told we’re going!

The little girl is at family meals because she lives with her mother, just as your nieces are (sometimes?) with their father, OP. To say your nieces ‘do not understand’ this is simply not true.

They obviously dislike it. Intensely, to judge by the cruel comments you have related. They may be nice in general but they are not at all nice to their stepsister.

The stepsister lives full time with your brother. Do your nieces? If not, jealousy may be the root problem but that is hardly the little girl’s fault. The irony is that she would probably prefer her own father’s involvement to your DB. I am rather shocked that a 14 yo cannot extend some grace on this point.

No, the 14 yr old told the 10 year old that she wouldn’t go if the 9 year old step sister went, and the 10 year old told her dad, and said that they didn’t understand why the 9 year old had to attend family meals. Like her mum should just put her in a cupboard with a sandwich until they got back.

Terrible behaviour from the nieces.

I feel so sorry for the 9 year old. Doesn't see her own father and her step dad's family want nothing to do with her. None of this is her fault.

Please don't exclude your brother's step daughter. Would you exclude her if she was your brother's biological daughter and the 14 year old didn't like her attending family events because she wasn't a full sister? This 9 year old could remain in your lives forever more. Your brother does need to step up and sort out his family mess but if it were my wedding I would be inviting all 3 girls. Your actual nieces get the preferential treatment by being bridesmaids so it would be petty and cruel to ban the 9 year old.

No, she’s changed her mind as niece has said she won’t go if girl is there … very nasty.

Oh diddums! A 14 year old is old enough to understand why, and a 10 year old will be feeding off her sister.

Oh my gosh, this is awful behaviour. She’s a NINE year old child!! How damaging do you think that will be to her, to be excluded from this? Your brother lives with her and she is part of his family too. I understand that you don’t want to upset your nieces but unless there’s a huge backstory where she’s murdered their pet, it’s just plain bullying and you’re enabling it.

This is literally a trauma and will have major consequences for that innocent child. I work with young people and we lovely we they can be, fourteen year olds can also be selfish and mean. It takes an adult to step in and put a stop it. Your behaviour and lack of insight is absolutely shocking.

No 14 year old niece won’t go if dads new partners daughter goes, she’s 9.

I think I understand it all now. You can’t win here. Maybe uninvite them all. I’m not being shitty. Someone (a child) will get hurt here regardless and your brother will resent you for not extending a common courtesy to his step daughter. Hopefully he can speak to his own child in the meantime and see why she is so affected by his step daughter - it’s pretty obviously jealousy and completely understandable if the split is fairly recent. If he can build that relationship then she might see things differently. Of course the child is there though, where else would she be? She lives with her Mum, who lives with their Dad! 14 is a tricky age though, it’s all a big fat mess. Cancel the wedding? Elope?

My 14 year old wouldn’t actually get a choice to be honest. She’d go where I told her we’re going because I’m the parent.

The lot of them sound awful tbh.

Yeah I’ve got it now - the only solution that doesn’t end in someone being hurt is that the Dad sorts out the relationship so that the 14 year old isn’t so bitter.

Is everyone missing that the brother isn’t actually married to is partner therefore this isn’t a step situation - it’s Dads girlfriend’s daughter.

I can absolutely see how the Nieces are unhappy about Dad buggering off and acquiring a new daughter who is now invited to everything in just over a year of living with her.

Something tells me this is being driven by Dad’s GF and both of them will hit the roof and claim it’s cruel and unfair when they find out the nieces are to be bridesmaids.

Your nieces are your priority here. They will
always be your family.
Your brothers partners daughter has been on the scene a year and there’s no way of knowing if it will even go the distance, especially with all the drama . It would be different if db had been married to her mum for years.
The child’s mum can make an excuse up or choose not to go herself. I’m sure the child won’t be that bothered about the wedding of her mums boyfriend’s sister? It’s up to her Mum to manage this situation and any fleeting disappointment, not you

Guiding and supporting them doesn’t mean forcing this other child onto them as their ‘sister’ when she isn’t. They feel strongly about this issue, and this is very unlikely something that can be ‘stamped out’ by lecturing them about how wrong they are for their feelings.

One of them is already at the age where she can vote with her feet, and the other very close to it. Trying to force it doesn’t mean they’ll come round, rather it’s likely to cement their opposition and significantly damage not just their relationship with their father, but also with their aunt.

What’s being driven by the GF? She’s barely even been mentioned by the OP! Sounds much more like the nieces behaviour and words have come from another adult. Most likely their mum or other family on mums side. Especially the part where a 10 year old child is talking about another child ‘trying to be in their family’. These are not words from a 10 year old. Someone has said that to her.

I think leaving out the 9 yo from the wedding would be terrible. But OP doesn’t have a personal relationship with her - no need to make her a bridesmaid.

How has he behaved appallingly?? The relationship broke down, op didn't mention any cheating. He's allowed to move on as is the girls mother. I think it is bloody cruel not to invite her. Your nieces are bridesmaids they are a big part of the day. The child is 9 for goodness sake. Imagine this poor kid doesn't see her own dad and she's made to feel unwanted by the step sisters and the rest of the extended family. It's not her fault their parents relationship broke down. Your brother needs to spend 1-1 time with his children of course but also explain to his girls that the other girl is also part of the family. Is she expected to hide away when they visit? Perhaps they need to facilitate some activities so the girls can learn to get along, slowly and over time. I'd be cross if I was your brother's partner I'd tell you to stick your invite if you are going to treat my child like she's gone off meat.