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Original poster

Niece and my wedding

497 replies

BeleagueredBride · 15/10/2025 16:28

On Sunday evening my brother asked to meet me but I couldn’t but I met him on Monday.

He asked me if I was going to invite his partner’s 9 nearly 10 year old to my wedding.

I said that I hadn’t really thought about it but she could come if they didn’t have childcare. He seemed really relieved.

I had told him ‘asked his permission’ a few weeks ago that I would like to ask his ex as well as I always got on with her and wanted her to see her daughters in their bridesmaids dresses. He was fine with it. I haven’t told ex-sil that she is invited yet nor mentioned bridesmaids to my nieces.

Apparently on Sunday he and his partner were having lunch with one of his daughters and they were talking about my wedding. My youngest niece looked at partner’s daughter and asked what she would be doing that weekend while everyone else was at the wedding.

She then told her dad in the car on her own, that her sister who was not present would not be attending if his stepdaughter would be there trying to be their family.

My own daughter had a shedload of shit from her Dad’s stepdaughter.

I don’t want to upset my nieces and want them to have a good time at my wedding.

OP posts:
Caleb64 · 15/10/2025 21:50

Rachie1973 · 15/10/2025 21:42

My 14 year old wouldn’t actually get a choice to be honest. She’d go where I told her we’re going because I’m the parent.

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If OP said to 14 year old ‘that’s a shame, I really want you there, we’ll miss you so much.’ I reckon the 14 year old would change her mind.

WilfredsPies · 15/10/2025 21:51

TiredCatLady · 15/10/2025 21:43

Is everyone missing that the brother isn’t actually married to is partner therefore this isn’t a step situation - it’s Dads girlfriend’s daughter.

I can absolutely see how the Nieces are unhappy about Dad buggering off and acquiring a new daughter who is now invited to everything in just over a year of living with her.

Something tells me this is being driven by Dad’s GF and both of them will hit the roof and claim it’s cruel and unfair when they find out the nieces are to be bridesmaids.

Nobody is missing it, but they are living as a family unit when they’re at their dad’s and his partner’s house and it’s far easier to say step sister than it is to refer to her as dad’s girlfriend’s daughter.

She’s invited to family meals because her mum goes as her dad’s partner. What are the adults supposed to do? Tell a 9 yr old that her mum is invited to their family meals as their dad’s partner, but she can’t come? She’s 9 ffs, what the hell is wrong with you that you think it’s acceptable to exclude a child from the family unit that the adults have established? The two nieces may not like it. I dare say that the 9 year old isn’t loving it either. But the nieces need to take their issues up with their dad and not be allowed to gang up and bully a 9 year old. It’s disgusting behaviour.

Rachie1973 · 15/10/2025 21:52

Caleb64 · 15/10/2025 21:50

If OP said to 14 year old ‘that’s a shame, I really want you there, we’ll miss you so much.’ I reckon the 14 year old would change her mind.

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I would hope so as OP says she’s a nice girl. I would hope her affection for her Aunt would outdo her animosity toward a 9 year old thrown into a situation.

Rachie1973 · 15/10/2025 21:54

BeleagueredBride · 15/10/2025 20:21

I never told her she was invited. I said to my brother she could come if there was no childcare before I knew my nieces’ position.

Nobody has had an invitation yet.

And what if there is no childcare? What if you DB stays to look after her with his partner?

WilfredsPies · 15/10/2025 21:59

InterIgnis · 15/10/2025 21:46

Guiding and supporting them doesn’t mean forcing this other child onto them as their ‘sister’ when she isn’t. They feel strongly about this issue, and this is very unlikely something that can be ‘stamped out’ by lecturing them about how wrong they are for their feelings.

One of them is already at the age where she can vote with her feet, and the other very close to it. Trying to force it doesn’t mean they’ll come round, rather it’s likely to cement their opposition and significantly damage not just their relationship with their father, but also with their aunt.

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You’ve quoted me, but I’m wondering if you did it in error because what you’ve written bears no resemblance to what I said.

No, of course guiding and supporting them doesn’t mean the OP should be forcing them to having any kind of relationship with this child. Nor did I suggest that they should be told that their feelings are wrong or should be stamped out. How on earth did you get that from what I said? Guiding them and supporting them in this instance means getting it through to them that they’re taking out their frustrations on the wrong person and it’s bullying. It means helping them to talk to their dad (you know, the adult who made the decision to live with someone else after his relationship with their mum broke down) rather than bullying a 9 year old who is highly unlikely to have ever had any choice in where she lives or what meals she goes to.

miraxxx · 15/10/2025 22:02

Op's brother and new partner are both responsible for this situation. They have not blended their families successfully and the OP's two girls are spending less time with their father who has acquired a new child over the span of less than two years who now lives full time with him.They are allowed their hurt. It is a pity that the adults have not stepped in address their sense of displacement. They cannot wish away the new partner and her daughter but they cannot be forced to accept a new "sister" either. As for Op, she has a relationship with her nieces for many years more than the new step-niece, and she is completely within her rights to not invite the 9 year old with whom she hasnt much of a relationship.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 15/10/2025 22:04

WilfredsPies · 15/10/2025 21:51

Nobody is missing it, but they are living as a family unit when they’re at their dad’s and his partner’s house and it’s far easier to say step sister than it is to refer to her as dad’s girlfriend’s daughter.

She’s invited to family meals because her mum goes as her dad’s partner. What are the adults supposed to do? Tell a 9 yr old that her mum is invited to their family meals as their dad’s partner, but she can’t come? She’s 9 ffs, what the hell is wrong with you that you think it’s acceptable to exclude a child from the family unit that the adults have established? The two nieces may not like it. I dare say that the 9 year old isn’t loving it either. But the nieces need to take their issues up with their dad and not be allowed to gang up and bully a 9 year old. It’s disgusting behaviour.

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So well put.
I'm a bit horrified at how many people are aghast at a 10 year old being upset but not a 9 year old because she's expendable not a blood relative, so such is life.

And I'd love the posters who think it's an outrage that she's there for family meals to explain where they think she should be instead.

CherrieTomaties · 15/10/2025 22:08

Respectfully, your nieces sound like nasty, spiteful brats.

It’s not up to them who attends your wedding. It’s up to you and your fiancé.

My only advice is, if you’re going to invite your brother’s partner, then the nice thing to do would be to extend the invite to her daughter. This girl is part of your brother’s family now.

Grapewrath · 15/10/2025 22:10

the other option would be to explain to your nieces that as they are bridesmaids, they will likely be busy with their duties and photos etc so aren’t likely to spend much time with partner’s daughter anyway

InterIgnis · 15/10/2025 22:11

WilfredsPies · 15/10/2025 21:59

You’ve quoted me, but I’m wondering if you did it in error because what you’ve written bears no resemblance to what I said.

No, of course guiding and supporting them doesn’t mean the OP should be forcing them to having any kind of relationship with this child. Nor did I suggest that they should be told that their feelings are wrong or should be stamped out. How on earth did you get that from what I said? Guiding them and supporting them in this instance means getting it through to them that they’re taking out their frustrations on the wrong person and it’s bullying. It means helping them to talk to their dad (you know, the adult who made the decision to live with someone else after his relationship with their mum broke down) rather than bullying a 9 year old who is highly unlikely to have ever had any choice in where she lives or what meals she goes to.

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No, not in error.

You seem to think that talking to them and insisting on inviting the girl to the wedding, despite knowing how strongly they feel about this, will resolve the issue by changing their feelings towards her when it’s likely to do the exact opposite. This isn’t something that anyone can just stamp out by lecturing them about ‘being kind’.

Attempting this is something that could very easily cost OP her a relationship with them if they do decide to vote with their feet and are supported in doing so by their mother.

Grammarnut · 15/10/2025 22:16

Nieces bridesmaids. Fine. Step-nieces guests. Fine.
What on earth is people's problem with these things? I have been to christenings, weddings and my DH's funeral and exes, step-brothers and sisters etc have been present. I specifically told my stepson his mother was welcome at this father's funeral (seems reasonable to me). She came to my house with her husband, I fed them, I spoke to them, I made sure (as far as I was able since I was floating on a cloud of wine and gin and anti-depressants) they spoke to people.
My DS' wedding included his father and his aunt and uncle (bad blood here). At christenings all family members were present and my step-daughter came from Ireland for my DGS's christening and my ex-SiL came from India - we all spoke and were polite.
Why all the angst? Children do what they are told, end of. They do not get to choose who comes to their aunt's wedding.

WilfredsPies · 15/10/2025 22:19

InterIgnis · 15/10/2025 22:11

No, not in error.

You seem to think that talking to them and insisting on inviting the girl to the wedding, despite knowing how strongly they feel about this, will resolve the issue by changing their feelings towards her when it’s likely to do the exact opposite. This isn’t something that anyone can just stamp out by lecturing them about ‘being kind’.

Attempting this is something that could very easily cost OP her a relationship with them if they do decide to vote with their feet and are supported in doing so by their mother.

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You’ve totally misunderstood what I was saying.

MrsKateColumbo · 15/10/2025 22:25

I'd put £50 on the new partner starting a "i hate dsd" thread on here in 2 years time when she's had a new baby and wants dsd's room/saying she can't cope with her etc.

Even if i thought my kids were being a bit twattish I would step away from the relationship to guide them through their trauma.

If I were OP I would keep ex SIL and DNs close so you still have a relationship when they are NC with their dad

saraclara · 15/10/2025 22:29

Your nieces asked to her face where she was going to be while that were at the wedding, they did that on purpose to be nasty. I would be ashamed of them, especially the older one

That. I know they're your nieces and you love them. I get that they're probably struggling with this other girl seeing more of their dad then they do. But their behaviour to this girl is positively cruel, and indefensible.

She can't escape them at family events any more than they can escape her, it seems. But she's being ganged up on and bullied and that's not on. She's the youngest and she has no sibling to back her up.

You should not have been brought into this. It's down to your brother to sort this out, otherwise you're going to have to deal with the fallout, when it's your wedding.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 15/10/2025 22:30

I dont get it....

WHY specifically is your niece refusing to attend if her dads gfs child attends????

What exactly is her problem with the child?

It sounds like a teenage power play...

I'd be talking to my niece directly not handwringing about how to uninvite this other child.

Purplebunnie · 15/10/2025 22:32

The thing I keep going back to is OP's SIL left the relationship "This marriage broke down as my sister-in-law didn’t wish to carry on living where they lived" yet the sister-in-law keeps coming up smelling of roses, her daughters get to be bridesmaid and she also gets an invite to the wedding but the man she dumped who has tried to move on gets stuck in an awkward situation. Her daughters don't like the new situation with their father but he was the one dumped. How are they with anyone their mother sees?

Feel a bit sorry for the OPs brother to be honest

PhoenixReincarnated · 15/10/2025 22:32

@BeleagueredBride you need to push this back onto your brother asap. Tell him you're not impressed with what you see as his manipulative behavior in asking for an invitation for his partner's daughter, then telling you about his conversation with his youngest daughter. Tell him he needs to sort this shitshow out before the wedding.

Have you got a rough timeline of when your brother split with his ex, started dating his now partner and when he moved in with her? How often does your DB have access?

I'm not sure sitting them separately, if you do invite all three, is a good idea. Your nieces seeing their father sitting with this other little girl while they're excluded will just be rubbing their faces in it and won't improve matters.

tiresomee · 15/10/2025 22:33

Purplebunnie · 15/10/2025 22:32

The thing I keep going back to is OP's SIL left the relationship "This marriage broke down as my sister-in-law didn’t wish to carry on living where they lived" yet the sister-in-law keeps coming up smelling of roses, her daughters get to be bridesmaid and she also gets an invite to the wedding but the man she dumped who has tried to move on gets stuck in an awkward situation. Her daughters don't like the new situation with their father but he was the one dumped. How are they with anyone their mother sees?

Feel a bit sorry for the OPs brother to be honest

This is MN. The man is always in the wrong.

InterIgnis · 15/10/2025 22:36

Grammarnut · 15/10/2025 22:16

Nieces bridesmaids. Fine. Step-nieces guests. Fine.
What on earth is people's problem with these things? I have been to christenings, weddings and my DH's funeral and exes, step-brothers and sisters etc have been present. I specifically told my stepson his mother was welcome at this father's funeral (seems reasonable to me). She came to my house with her husband, I fed them, I spoke to them, I made sure (as far as I was able since I was floating on a cloud of wine and gin and anti-depressants) they spoke to people.
My DS' wedding included his father and his aunt and uncle (bad blood here). At christenings all family members were present and my step-daughter came from Ireland for my DGS's christening and my ex-SiL came from India - we all spoke and were polite.
Why all the angst? Children do what they are told, end of. They do not get to choose who comes to their aunt's wedding.

Edited

’Children do what they’re told’ - and if they refuse? Is their father meant to physically force them to go, kicking and screaming into the venue? What happens if their mother supports them?

Summertimesadnessishere · 15/10/2025 22:37

I’m going to admit I just got totally confused reading this with all the different relationships! I can’t figure it out on one read and would need to draw it out lol !

I would just invite who you want and be done with it. It’s your wedding. If people want to act like sulky stroppy immature people and not come - let them!
They need to grow up.

Grammarnut · 15/10/2025 22:40

InterIgnis · 15/10/2025 22:36

’Children do what they’re told’ - and if they refuse? Is their father meant to physically force them to go, kicking and screaming into the venue? What happens if their mother supports them?

Show quote history

Well, not their father since he is now with someone other than their mother. But a child saying I'm not going to my aunt's wedding if my step-sister goes because that's pretending she's family when she isn't needs to be told that she is out of order. It's none of her business who goes to her aunt's wedding. If she is asked to be bridesmaid that is an honour. Sounds a brat, tbh.

CJsGoldfish · 15/10/2025 22:43

I think that allowing a 9 yr old to be cast as 'the enemy' by your nieces and going along with that is nasty. To be openly willing to be hurtful, knowing you are being hurtful is nasty. It does not sound like this relationship is new, seems they've been together for a while so excluding the child of your brothers partner who are clearly an important part of his life is nasty.
Imagine being that 9 year old who lives in a family situation where everyone in the family is invited to a wedding and you are specifically excluded.
The nieces don't need to be 'backed up' by adults, they need adults who can guide them to be kind for the sake of those who love them and who will be impacted by their meaness as well. They are old enough to know exactly what they are doing. I'd wonder who is in their ear tbh, Children will usually follow our lead.
Imagine making those demands before the wedding is even finalised. They are not nice girls 🤷‍♀️

InterIgnis · 15/10/2025 22:52

Grammarnut · 15/10/2025 22:40

Well, not their father since he is now with someone other than their mother. But a child saying I'm not going to my aunt's wedding if my step-sister goes because that's pretending she's family when she isn't needs to be told that she is out of order. It's none of her business who goes to her aunt's wedding. If she is asked to be bridesmaid that is an honour. Sounds a brat, tbh.

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Lol, and of course they’ll just nod along, agree that they were out of order, and profusely apologize. Or not.

OP loves her nieces, knows they’re not brats, and is of course going to prioritize their feelings over those of an unrelated nine year old. She knows that this girl being there will hurt them, (and they’ve communicated that it will. Not thinking they should be hurt doesn’t mean they won’t be), which in turn will hurt her and spoil the wedding. Op isn’t responsible for sparing this girl’s feelings at the expense of those of her nieces.

beAsensible1 · 15/10/2025 22:54

why are children involving themselves in who is and isn't going to a wedding?

who is involving them in these adult conversations. the only people to talk to is the parents and tell them to cut it out.

cheek of all of them. she is 9

saraclara · 15/10/2025 22:58

The brother needs to make it clear to his eldest that taking her jealousy of the step sister out on her aunt by boycotting her wedding is illogical and simply not on.