Niece and my wedding

[BeleagueredBride]

On Sunday evening my brother asked to meet me but I couldn’t but I met him on Monday.

He asked me if I was going to invite his partner’s 9 nearly 10 year old to my wedding.

I said that I hadn’t really thought about it but she could come if they didn’t have childcare. He seemed really relieved.

I had told him ‘asked his permission’ a few weeks ago that I would like to ask his ex as well as I always got on with her and wanted her to see her daughters in their bridesmaids dresses. He was fine with it. I haven’t told ex-sil that she is invited yet nor mentioned bridesmaids to my nieces.

Apparently on Sunday he and his partner were having lunch with one of his daughters and they were talking about my wedding. My youngest niece looked at partner’s daughter and asked what she would be doing that weekend while everyone else was at the wedding.

She then told her dad in the car on her own, that her sister who was not present would not be attending if his stepdaughter would be there trying to be their family.

My own daughter had a shedload of shit from her Dad’s stepdaughter.

I don’t want to upset my nieces and want them to have a good time at my wedding.

How would your daughter feel if she was excluded from a family event her Dad and his partner were invited to? If her step sister had thrown a wobbly about it?

I would potentially meet with ex SIL then nieces (separately)to unpick the reasoning here. The blending sounds too quick for all the children involved, I imagine your nieces feel like they have been tossed aside for the child of the new girlfriend.

So tricky, out of interest, how often does BIL see his daughters?

OP hasn't given us nearly enough information for you to disagree with her as to the nature of her family relationships.

Also, if we're speculating about future issues, no reason to work on the assumption that this fairly new relationship is going to progress to marriage. Perhaps they'll have split up instead, and he's managed to find someone else with daughters similar age to his that he's spending more time with instead.

The Op hasn’t said this is a new relationship. She’s not said how long her brother has been with his partner. Only that they have lived together for 14 months.

Whilst I'm no fan of forcing badly thought out blended family situations on young people that have no say I don't see why this girl needs excluding. In a big wedding you get all sorts of people with even more tenuous links to the couple invited. It's not making a statement about her position in the family if she's invited to attend your wedding, it's just like including the child of a family friend.

I get why your nieces aren't happy but I don't think that they should be dictating this.

Your nieces arent brats or nasty pieces of work. They are children unhappy with their newly created household. They dont have better tools to express themselves. It sounds nobody really talks with them about how they feel about it.

Im just trying to make the OP see that by excluding a child will/could have a huge impact on the family dynamics in the future.

She’s not as good as a niece though. Not yet, and maybe not ever.

This new relationship that the brother wants everyone to accept is still in its very early stages. Considering the ages of the children involved and the obvious upset a young teen is going to fell when her Dad moves in with a new little girl, wouldn’t it be more gracious for the new partner to remove herself and her child from the situation and wish the bride and groom well? What sort of people think their relationship is so important that they have to do everything together from the outset, even if it causes further hurt to children?

If the brother married the new partner in future and excluded OP from their wedding, it would show them up as self centred and petty. There is a big difference between prioritising your bridesmaid and nieces validation feelings on a special day by excluding someone who has no relation to the couple, and excluding a grooms sibling because of invalid grudges.

I said 'fairly new' and if they've lived together only 14 months that's exactly what it is. One would hope it existed for at least some time before they began cohabiting, but clearly it wasn't that serious. DB is evidently not the sort of person who'd delay moving in for the sake of his children's welfare, after all!

Although either way, it still wouldn't be for the poster I was talking about to decide someone is 'as good as' a particular relationship.

I'm sure I've read this exact scenario before on here.

I can see your point but im sticking with what Ive said. However I fail to see if hypothetically, they get married and exclude the OP, how that would be self centred. The partner would showing her daughter that her feelings are also valid and were valid on being hurt at not being at OPs wedding.

Rejection as a child will be remembered!

Its called reap what you sow.

As could/will not doing, thanks to the position OPs DB has kindly put her in.

I wouldn't be choosing not to invite anyone at this stage, I'd rather talk to DB first. It doesn't sound like something that needs to be decided this very second. But if you're arguing for an approach that's least likely to impact future family dynamics, that would be OP prioritising her nieces. It's more likely that a fairly new relationship will end than it is that she'll stop seeing the children of her brother, whose DM she's also close to.

Wait, your niece was at dinner with her father, her father’s partner, and the partner’s daughter (so an adult couple, plus each adult’s daughter) and she said “why is she always at our family dinners??”

How is that group of four people a family dinner for her that the other child is intruding on?

She’s cross at her dad for having a new partner, and for that new partner having a child. And she’s taking it out on the child. Her dad needs to sort that out. She can be cross at him, but it isn’t ok to be unpleasant to the other child.
“Why is she always at our family dinners”
”what will you be doing while we’re all at the wedding”
”I won’t come if she comes”

Its not nice.

Surely, it’s for your brother to sort this out with his kids and partner. You invite all three kids via your brother and if there are issues between them, he’ll sort it out how he sees fit.

I’d have invited upfront a brother, his partner and her daughter (who he lives with). I’d want them to feel welcome in our family and (if affordable) IMHO the more, the merrier.

Why are the nieces being spiteful to the 10 year old? Has she been unkind to them or are they jealous that she lives with their dad full-time? Is it being discouraged by their mum?

Your brother (and his partner) seem very reasonable people if neither appear uncomfortable with his ex being at your wedding.

I hope they all end up choosing to be there together, to help you celebrate, wish you well and make the occasion happy and fun.

But parents dont think of children when they blend families, in an ideal world everything children want to go to will magically happem and no child should ever be left out of anything but real life doesn't work that way, not every child will be treated the same but as long as it works for the adults that is all that seems to matter

Edited because I responded to the wrong poster.

I agree, it’s for the brother to decide what’s best for his kids and discuss that with his partner and (ideally) their mum.

But, IMHO, OP shouldn’t be making the decision for him by not inviting his partner’s child.

Your nieces literally are emotionally blackmailing you to exclude their step-sister.

How often do you see the girls, including the stepdaughter

How often does your brother see his daughters?

It's a bit stereotypical but this has all seemingly come about because, as is often the case, the girls know they come first with their mother, but their father's priorities land with whoever he is shacking up with. If it were the other way round would they care if their mum's SC came to a wedding? Probably not because most kids know their mother's loyalties lie 100% with them.

Tbh maybe tell your DBro and partner not to come, he's caused this drama!

Your nieces don’t want what could end up being their step sister at your wedding because they don’t see why she is always at family meals. Presumably they will all live together one day. It sounds like your nieces aren’t coping with the breakdown of the family and are taking it out on the other child. This is your brothers mess to sort out. He needs to create a stable and reassuring atmosphere to help all the kids with the transition.

Your revoking the invite and ostracising the non-related daughter is only going to fuel the fire and make it harder for all of them to have a meaningful relationship in the long term. (Assuming the new relationship lasts)

I agree but saying "you sort it but I will always choose my nieces" is not giving him a free hand to sort it.

How old is your stroppy niece that is so offended by the presence of a 9 year old at family meals?

Poor step niece. She probably will feel really unwanted .

It would be self centred of the new partner because the brother is unlikely to want to disinvite his sister., but she would be doing it to be spiteful, not to prevent someone being hurt.

The only way it would send the message to her child (the grown up step child) would be if that child was given the impression that she was entitled to a wedding invitation from her mum’s partners sister. She could be taught that there are other children to consider who might feel understandably jealous of her living with their Dad, and this wedding is an important occasion for them, while it isn’t as important for her because she doesn’t have a close relationship with her Step Aunt.

Reap what you sow works both ways, and the brother’s daughters will grow up to remember how he made them feel when he got a new family too. It probably won’t work out well for him. He will always love his children more than his step child.