Niece and my wedding

[BeleagueredBride]

On Sunday evening my brother asked to meet me but I couldn’t but I met him on Monday.

He asked me if I was going to invite his partner’s 9 nearly 10 year old to my wedding.

I said that I hadn’t really thought about it but she could come if they didn’t have childcare. He seemed really relieved.

I had told him ‘asked his permission’ a few weeks ago that I would like to ask his ex as well as I always got on with her and wanted her to see her daughters in their bridesmaids dresses. He was fine with it. I haven’t told ex-sil that she is invited yet nor mentioned bridesmaids to my nieces.

Apparently on Sunday he and his partner were having lunch with one of his daughters and they were talking about my wedding. My youngest niece looked at partner’s daughter and asked what she would be doing that weekend while everyone else was at the wedding.

She then told her dad in the car on her own, that her sister who was not present would not be attending if his stepdaughter would be there trying to be their family.

My own daughter had a shedload of shit from her Dad’s stepdaughter.

I don’t want to upset my nieces and want them to have a good time at my wedding.

There’s a lot of assumptions being made here about the brother. Based on what the OP has posted the girls sound like unpleasant brats. “What will you be doing when we’re all at the wedding” and then a bratty tantrum when the answer doesn’t suit them. I also feel sorry for the 9 year old

Personally I don't think you should be enabling your DNieces to be cruel to this 9 year old. Loving someone isn't just about giving them what they want, it's also about encouraging them to be good people. These 2 girls are in a difficult situation with their dad and it's anyone's guess as to how things will work out for their relationship longer term but they are going to have to live with how they have behaved during this period.

I don’t think she should be enabling her brother to continue to foist his this situation onto his daughters (and using her wedding to do so!). He’s going to have to live with the consequences of his actions, and those consequences may very well be the long term loss of his relationship with them.

Loving someone means listening to them, and prioritizing them when they desperately need to be prioritized. Her nieces are communicating to her how deeply unhappy they are by their father attempting to force a blended family onto them for his benefit (and I’m sure they’ve already been on the receiving end of many ‘be kind’ lectures). If OP joins in on this she won’t be helping them, but further hurting them.

Besides, if the nieces are bullying this other girl then it’s hardly kind to force her into this position either. Either she’ll be there in the company of two hostile girls that will make sure she knows how unwelcome she is, or she’ll be blamed as being the reason why they didn’t attend their own family’s event.

TBH I think not inviting her is a kindness to her also.

I'm not convinced that OP making a kind of stand and not inviting this 9 year old is going to make her brother re-think the consequences of forcing a blended family on his daughters. That's his decision and I don't think that the OP has that kind of influence over him.

My experience of weddings is that they have all sorts of hangers on anyway and this child wouldn't be too out of place. If the brother and his partner were throwing a fit about the 9 year old not being a bridesmaid or included in all the same photos as the two nieces that would be different.

I don’t think the OP is uninviting though merely saying that he needs to work on this because if it comes down to her nieces being comfortable is her priority

Yes the net outcome of that could be her not coming but that is on her brother not her

it would be making a stand for her nieces, and showing them that while their father may not be listening to and prioritizing them, their aunt is. OP doesn’t get a say in what her brother does, but she does get a say over whether she’s going to allow him to (selfishly) use her wedding in his attempts to force blending. He’s actively alienating himself from his daughters, and getting OP to help him is likely to result in them becoming alienated from her as well.

The child being there likely means her nieces wouldn’t be. The nieces being there and being happy is important to OP. They’re important to her and to her wedding. This other girl is not. Op hadn’t even considered this girl before her brother spoke to her, why on earth should she be expected to die on this hill on her behalf?

I'm not sure that it's anyone's place to make that sort of stand. The forced blending has already happened, I'm not convinced it will do any good.

It absolutely is OP’s place. It’s her wedding, and her relationship with her nieces. The brother dictates neither.

The blending hasn’t happened, and all the attempts at forcing it have been at the expense of all the girls involved. They’re already spending less time with their father, and by the sounds of it being openly hostile to the girl when they are forced to be in the same place. If he doesn’t stop it’s likely to result in them voting with their feet and refusing to see him at all.

The OP isn't the saviour here and these girls, whilst in a difficult situation, are displaying some very ugly behaviour here. I couldn't in good conscience go along with their manipulative behaviour.

She’s not her brother’s savior, nor the savior of his partner’s daughter.

OP is showing her nieces she’s in their corner when they need her to be. They’re clearly deeply unhappy, and adding to that unhappiness by inviting this girl (who isn’t even anyone to OP) won’t help anything or anyone.

The person being manipulative and showing ugly behavior here is OP’s brother. He’s the one that’s been underhand when they’ve spoken very plainly on the situation.

Why exactly don’t your nieces want their dad’s partners daughter there? If it’s that she’s actually horrible to them they may have a point. However, we’re talking about a 10 and a 14 year old as a pair, against a nine year old on her own so I find it very hard to believe she’s managing to bully them. You need to get to the bottom of this. If it’s just a case of them resenting this child sharing in their dad’s attention then I’d say that yes they are being brats. They get to be bridesmaids, not her. It’s pretty nasty to insist she can’t be there at all. I’d try to get to the bottom of it first, but if it’s just a case of not wanting to share their dad’s attention then I’d say they just need to let you know whether or not they are going to be bridesmaids so that you can make other plans if they decide not to come. I don’t think you should give in to a couple of children trying to dictate who you can have at your wedding.

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine no it isn’t being a brat it is a Dad failing to deal with the blend properly

in essence he has become the 9 year olds permanent father figure it would be unusual for them to just go that’s fine - having negative emotions, feeling resentful, feeling angry isn’t in this situation being brat it is having a perfectly normal response

then in terms of dictating they are presumably lashing out and trying to control what they can

the person who is at fault is the dad/brother who has handled none of this well and needs to step up at handle this

The nieces feel how they feel - and one of them at least is old enough to start determining her own future direction. Their attitude to their father's partner's daughter is cruel and superficially this isn't something I'd want to encourage if I were their aunt. But it's evidently coming from a place of intense hurt - and hurt people hurt people. There are now three little girls who have unmet needs and are likely harbouring all manner of simmering resentments - all because the brother and his partner failed to put their children needs over their wants. In OP's shoes I'd not be impressed with him for foisting his fucked up family dynamic onto my wedding and expecting me to sort out the mess he's created.

By this point in the thread it's immaterial anyway. OP is gone. She's already made her position clear: she will be prioritising her nieces and is not prepared to compromise her relationship with them. The nine-year-old clearly has a mother who is willing to prioritise her interests; the other girls' father is not doing the same with theirs. That's unfair; the girls' resentment of their de facto step-sister is unfair: that, unfortuntely, is life. Whatever your views about the nieces' behaviour - and it admittedly isn't great - childhood jealousy is a natural emotion, it hasn't been handled well, and the forthcoming wedding seems to have brought the situation to a head. What happens now might determine how a potential family schism plays out from here, and OP is clear as to where her loyalties lie.

Rhetorical and equally futile question, but why must adults do this to their children?

The biggest manipulator here, with the least excuse, is DB! Trying to get the invitation for his DSD in before OP could find out how upset her nieces would be.

You traditionally invite people's partners to weddings and if you are inviting non-family children then it would not be out of place to invite the partners child. It's possible that the brother may have done this purely to shit stir here, I don't know, he might have just been seeking clarification.

Wouldn't say it was shit stirring, as it doesn't look like he intended to cause trouble. Rather he's realised that the trouble exists whatever he does. But it's manipulative alright.

DB knew his DSD hadn't been invited, that no mention had been made of such an invitation and that his 2 DDs didn't want her there. He still decided to ask for the invitation anyway, without giving OP the benefit of knowing the full picture about her DNs. If he wanted clarity, the way to get that was through honesty. His actions led to the opposite, since OP initially agreed and has now changed her mind.

Basically, DB and DNs both made an attempt to control the sitution, but he was less honest than them.

Since when was it ugly behaviour to have a moan to your sister and say you don’t want to go to an event because you don’t want to be around a particular person? Adults make that choice for themselves all the time. This child hasn't spoken to any adults about how she feels, so she can’t be accused of trying to manipulate or dictate anything. She didn’t know her sister was going to blab to her Dad.

The younger daughter also did nothing wrong. She asked what the other girl would be doing because she probably genuinely believed that she would be somewhere else that day. The only ugly behaviour came from the two adults present who allowed a discussion about the wedding at the dinner table when they already knew family relations were difficult, but they didn’t know if one of the children was even invited. They should have steered the conversation elsewhere.

Even if these children had been intentionally unkind, it would come from their own hurt. Happy people who feel safe, content and secure in their don’t need to be unkind to others. It’s hurt people that hurt people, and they have been hurt by their father who has put them in this position.

It's nasty behaviour to take out your hurt over your dad's shitty behaviour on a child that hasn't harmed you. I'm not saying that they should be condemned as bad people, for all I know they may have plenty of other redeeming qualities, but I wouldn't be condoning that behaviour by giving them a say over wedding invitations.

Yes, you've said. But apparently you find it acceptable to condone manipulation when it's doled out to a greater degree, by an adult who, however you want to slice it, has much less excuse. The conscience only works one way.

There are reasonable arguments on both sides here, notwithstanding that OP has already made her position. This is not one of them.

I don't think that anyone should be behaving manipulatively. I don't condone the brothers behaviour here at all but I don't see what's unusual about extending wedding invitation to his partner and her child.

This isn't about whether it's unusual.

If your point is that nobody should behave in a manipulative way, it doesn't make any sense to frame your argument around not condoning manipulation. Because the DB was being manipulative, less honest and with less excuse.

Also since when is asking for clarification on who is invited to a wedding manipulative?

Do you mean you would not invite your brother's partner's daughter if his children have issues with it?

I think it depends on their ages and the issues they have. Most likely it boils down to attention seeking from their parents and blaming the other child for taking "their father away from them", so poor parenting. If they are young, like under 10, I would try to reconcile them.
Teens... I feel for you! That can be a proper Pandora's box.
If adults, then I presume there is an actual reason or dislike there.
But, same as you, if they cannot be civil to each other for one day, then I would have my own blood at my wedding.

They probably don’t even realise that they are feeling negative towards another child because of the hurt they are feeling over their father. This is stuff that fully grown adults have therapy to discover about themselves. They are entitled to feel how they feel.

Considering their feelings and wanting happy bridesmaids on your wedding day is not the same as ‘condoning their behaviour’. The OP isn’t bothered about this extra child being there. She doesn’t owe people wedding invitations to be used as misguided discipline techniques.

Since it involved a course of action that isn't accurately described by what you just wrote.

He knew already that his own DDs didn't want DSD there, and by his own account was nonetheless worrying that OP wouldn't invite her. Even if you're going to pretend to think it's credible that it wasn't clear he actively wanted an invitation, he chose not to share the relevant information about OPs DNs thus denying her the ability to make an informed decision.