Niece and my wedding

[BeleagueredBride]

On Sunday evening my brother asked to meet me but I couldn’t but I met him on Monday.

He asked me if I was going to invite his partner’s 9 nearly 10 year old to my wedding.

I said that I hadn’t really thought about it but she could come if they didn’t have childcare. He seemed really relieved.

I had told him ‘asked his permission’ a few weeks ago that I would like to ask his ex as well as I always got on with her and wanted her to see her daughters in their bridesmaids dresses. He was fine with it. I haven’t told ex-sil that she is invited yet nor mentioned bridesmaids to my nieces.

Apparently on Sunday he and his partner were having lunch with one of his daughters and they were talking about my wedding. My youngest niece looked at partner’s daughter and asked what she would be doing that weekend while everyone else was at the wedding.

She then told her dad in the car on her own, that her sister who was not present would not be attending if his stepdaughter would be there trying to be their family.

My own daughter had a shedload of shit from her Dad’s stepdaughter.

I don’t want to upset my nieces and want them to have a good time at my wedding.

It’s a question that obviously came with a massive implication of what was wanted, but you’re right. It’s not that bad for the question to be asked as long as it wasn’t followed up with the information that one of the bridesmaids had confided in her sister that she doesn’t want to be around the person you’ve just asked for clarification about.

WTF?

You want a 9yo to be excluded from a family occasion because a 10 and 14yo are being brats?

Jesus fucking wept.

I agree that the second bit was pretty dumb. In an ideal world the OP would be able to include everyone in an invitation while the brother made a sensible decision, he sounds an arse so that's unlikely.

I think I'm thinking about how I'd handle this if my own children were being treated like this by their dad. I take a bit of a Malory Towers view on this and for me the most important thing is encouraging my children to be good people. I don't think that you can just focus on happiness because you can't really be happy without being a decent person. I like to think I'd find a way to affirm their feelings of hurt but not condone whatever behaviour comes out of it.

It’s not a family occasion for the step child though. The bride and groom don’t consider her family or they would have been enthusiastic about welcoming her like they are their actual family. Instead they have said she can come if they can’t get childcare. That might not be as welcoming as a response as it could have been, but it’s a clear indication that this isn’t a child who is being excluded from their family.

I'm not sure it constitutes dumb. Given that DBs intention was evidently to get his DSD invited, and prioritise that over his own DC, not telling her the full story before she'd agreed was probably his best shot. Dick behaviour, but that's different. It's true OP has now changed her mind, but that was a gamble he had to take if he wanted DSD there.

The thing with framing this in terms of your own DC is that it's very 'wouldn't start from here'. But if you're already in the middle of someone else's mess, and none of the kids involved are yours so you don't have the same level of influence, that's quite a different setup.

The OP does seem quite close to these girls which why I'd argue that it's worth trying to teach them some good morals where you can.

I wonder what their mother would think if she read this? She may not share your view that trying to persuade her DDs they ought to ultimately prioritise their manipulative father's convenience over the impact on them of his shit parenting amounts to 'good morals'. After all, it's likely she'll be picking up the largest share of the pieces if that goes badly.

The good morals are the not using your own hurt feelings to treat an innocent person badly and I stand by that.

@BeleagueredBride

As someone who was constantly excluded from weddings and other family occasions on both my stepmum's and stepdad's side when I was growing up, please please please invite your brother's stepdaughter to your wedding.

Actually that is a good point - the OPs brothers priority knowing how his daughters were feeling (and probably didn’t come as a surprise) was to ensure an invite for his step daughter

given that is a surprise they don’t want her there

Then maybe you could consider the position of the Brothers partner. She could graciously step back and remove any of the expectation that her child will be at the wedding. That way, she wouldn’t be putting her own feelings of wanting to be included ahead of two children’s feelings of being forced into a step family they don’t want.

Good morals and good manners would be to graciously stand aside when you know your presence would create tensions at a wedding, and you have no reason to be there for the couple.

Brilliant post

And please, although I am very much on the side of the 9 year old and feel the nieces may be being unkind can we stop calling them brats

I don't know how much influence the OP has over this woman.

That shouldn’t make a difference because it’s not her place to counsel her nieces over the consequences of her brother’s parenting choices. That is not what her wedding is for.

No but it sounds like they are close. In her position I'd be inclined to say something like, "no I won't be banning this 9 year old from the wedding. I get that you are in a difficult situation with your dad's decisions but banning this child from the wedding isn't going to make anything better for you".

What it would teach them is that OP is another family member they can’t trust not to hurt them by prioritizing this random 9 year old over them. A girl she doesn’t know and isn’t at all bothered about inviting anyway.

I’m sure their father has already given them many a lecture about ‘being kind’, for all the good it’s done him. OP joining him in dismissing their feelings won’t make them be nice to this girl, if anything it will both ramp up and cement their hostility towards her.

And yet it actually would make things better for them, whether you want to acknowledge that or not.

Being ‘kind’ and ‘inclusive’ to this girl would hurt the people she loves and cares about, and potentially cost her the relationships.

I don't think giving into a child's mean behaviour does make things better for them longer term.

That being said it is only one event in these girls lives. If they grow into nice adults despite this then no harm done. If they grow into horrible adults the OP can always distance herself later. No point making it into a bigger event than it needs to be.

Inviting this girl is what would make things worse. It may not suit your idea of what constitutes good optics, or your beliefs as to how people and the world ‘should’ work (or perhaps your idea of what an outwardly good and moral person looks like), but that’s the reality of the situation.

The issue runs far deeper than the ‘mean behavior’. Listening to them, understanding them, and showing them that they are a priority is what they need from their father, and he’s not doing that. Instead he’s trying to force a miserable situation onto them because it’s what works for him.

OP thankfully is stepping up for them, and that won’t just benefit them in the short term, but in the long term too. The one most likely to face negative long term consequences is the father.

There's also the nuclear option of disinviting the brother and inviting the girls via their mum who the OP also has a relationship with.

I thought it was just me! 🤪

Actually I don't think allowing these girls to experience schadenfreude by excluding the 9 year old is going to be of benefit to anyone.

This 9 year old not going the wedding will benefit the nieces as well as OP (who didn’t even think to invite her in the first place).

Did you misunderstand the meaning of schadenfreude? I.e. allowing the older girls a fleeting sense of pleasure and self-satisfaction by excluding the younger girl is not going to provide any long-term resolution to the issues they might have about their parents' marriage breakdown.