Niece and my wedding

[BeleagueredBride]

On Sunday evening my brother asked to meet me but I couldn’t but I met him on Monday.

He asked me if I was going to invite his partner’s 9 nearly 10 year old to my wedding.

I said that I hadn’t really thought about it but she could come if they didn’t have childcare. He seemed really relieved.

I had told him ‘asked his permission’ a few weeks ago that I would like to ask his ex as well as I always got on with her and wanted her to see her daughters in their bridesmaids dresses. He was fine with it. I haven’t told ex-sil that she is invited yet nor mentioned bridesmaids to my nieces.

Apparently on Sunday he and his partner were having lunch with one of his daughters and they were talking about my wedding. My youngest niece looked at partner’s daughter and asked what she would be doing that weekend while everyone else was at the wedding.

She then told her dad in the car on her own, that her sister who was not present would not be attending if his stepdaughter would be there trying to be their family.

My own daughter had a shedload of shit from her Dad’s stepdaughter.

I don’t want to upset my nieces and want them to have a good time at my wedding.

And if he doesn't?

Then his relationship with his daughters is likely to be irreparably damaged.

I can guarantee you that if my DS ever had the audacity to tell me which kids could and couldn’t come to a family event he would be told to get back in his box. Not that he would ever do this, because he doesn’t think that the entire world revolves around him, and he isn’t a bully.

I think the poster who said the daughters want a family event without the new child being involved is 100% bang on the money.

They don’t see her or her mother as family. They just want a family event without her/them. The girl and her mum already have their dad 24/7, the older girls can’t even get a meal with dad without them.

If it wasn’t ops wedding it would be another event. They feel pushed out and replaced and clearly dad isn’t doing anything to help.

The oldest is 14, dad’s got a few years left to fix this before she decides to just give up. At this age she can already refuse to go for visits and evidently is already skipping out since she did not attend the lunch.

Blended families don’t work someone will always be unhappy.

Women expecting whole families to take on their fatherless child. Men sidelining their existing children to play house with someone else’s without a care about their own child’s feelings.

The best step families and that’s loosely are Mum, step dad with no children and no shared future children, just the existing. That’s the easiest and happiest blend.

If his relationship with his daughters would be irreparably damaged because another child was invited to family events, because she’s also part of the family whether you like it or not, then that’s really on the daughters.

They really don't sound nice girls. Wanting to push out the stepdaughter all the time. You don't sound that nice either. I am sure you realise that inviting your brother's ex will just cause more drama and hurt.

It’s not about the party. It’s about their dad playing daddy to another man’s child while they feel pushed out and replaced. The wedding is just making the picture clear to everyone but the dad.

Then it looks like his daughters will stop seeing him and his sister will prioritise her nieces and relationship

which is their choice

Because in their eyes she has pushed them out

and that is on their father

Parents get divorced. He’s not abandoned them, he’s not in prison, he’s not dead, he’s not abusive. Life happens. So their parents got divorced and now they have a step sibling. Do you know what, so what. I’m so tired of some people bleating on about the children of the ‘first family’ as if their needs are the priority in absolutely any situation and as if they have suffered some insurmountable trauma. Any and all behaviour is forever excused, where it would not be in literally any other circumstance. It’s boring, and it is teaching children in this dynamic really, really unhealthy lessons for their futures. When they grow up and realise they cannot commandeer every single situation they will be so put out.

That's an awful thing to say.

Just to add a perspective for everyone saying "they are stepsisters!", "thats OP's neice!", "they ARE family!" - I'm not a step parent but I am a step child. My step dad moved in with my mom when I was around 10, and he had his own children who visited.

I always understood that his children would want time with him just them, I never expected his parents and siblings to act like I was their granddaughter/neice... we were polite if we saw each other but they aren't my family and that's fine.

The neices in this scenario are allowed to define who they see as family. All this pushiness will just make them more stubborn.

How would you all like it if every time you wanted to speak to your mother, her new friend was there holding your mothers hand and dominating the conversation? And you don't even have your own home to retreat to anymore, and her friend is cooking new food you don't like and has redecorated? And if you said "hey mom can I spend some time with you just us?" you got told no and called a brat/bitch?

These are young girls who feel pushed out of their own family and need to be reassured by their dad that they still matter to him. He's gone about this completely wrong and it's probably driven by trying to keep his girlfriend happy.

It’s the father that doesn’t seem to be acknowledging the consequences of his actions, given that he seems intent on forcing a relationship with this girl onto them despite clear signs that he’s only succeeding in pushing his actual children away.

They can very much dictate whether or not they’ll be at the wedding. They can’t be physically forced into attending any more than they can be forced into visiting their father’s home (the 14 year old at least is at an age where she can vote with her feet -and is already doing so - and the 10 year old is on the cusp of it).

This is not in any way analogous to picking a holiday destination. For whatever reasons (and for all we know this girl feels the exact same way about them) they obviously feel very strongly about not wanting to have to deal with the girl, to the extent that they’d rather not do something if she’s involved. You can of course dismiss someone telling you something they don’t want to hear about something they feel incredibly strongly about, but it probably isn’t wise if you want to maintain a long term relationship with them.

While their father is happy to risk his relationship with them, OP very much isn’t. She wants her nieces there and for them to be happy. As such she’s already said that she will tell (may have told her brother at this point) her brother that his partner’s daughter is not going to be invited.

I’m sure they can grasp the concept of being able to control some situations and not others. Most people do in fact manage to.

I agree! She could be stirring it up

I would simply go with what your nieces want. This 9yo isn’t your relative by any means and while she may be innocent, you actually don’t owe her anything to invite her. If your brother wants to choose then let him make the choice. I really hate this idea of people blending families and expecting children to suddenly play happy families with random children.

your nieces come first and if they don’t want to attend because of this other child then it’s clear what you should do.

Because he may Love & want to stand behind his new partner, who will not go to the wedding if her daughter is uninvited.

Oh, so you didn't mean "can't", you meant "doesn't want to".

That's something quite different.

It sounds like loving and standing by his new partner and her daughter rather than loving and standing by his existing daughters is something he does quite a lot.

This.

There is no way you should placate your bro who is trying to play happy new family at the expense of his first.

His family has not blended at all, it's a mangled family and he's a sly one trying to slide the invite to his partner's daughter when he knew for a fact it's an issue for his own kids. Another candidate for father of the year Not.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom I didn’t say “can’t”, I said “won’t, (or be able) to go “

Like controlling who is invited to someone else’s wedding?

There's no "be able" about it.

He is an adult. No one can stop him from going to his sister's wedding. If he doesn't go, it's because he has decided not to.

You mean like the OP's brother's partner did, when she said that she was "worried" her child wouldn't be invited, and got him to pull strings to make sure she was?

They can control whether they attend the wedding or not. Who OP invites is up to her, but she can’t demand her nieces attend and act as bridesmaids if she chooses to invite this other girl.

OP isn’t invested in inviting this girl, and hadn’t even thought about her before her brother raised the subject. She is invested in her nieces though, and isn’t willing to do something that will hurt them (whether you think it should or not). If their father decides to further alienate his daughters by prioritizing his partner over them and not attending, then at least they will see that their aunt puts them first.

I think you should be supporting your brother to do the right thing for neices, either help them resolve their issues or not bring his step child to wedding. You shouldn't take away his options by not inviting her. If partner or your brother are hurt it may cause a rift that means they wont come at all.