Niece and my wedding

[BeleagueredBride]

On Sunday evening my brother asked to meet me but I couldn’t but I met him on Monday.

He asked me if I was going to invite his partner’s 9 nearly 10 year old to my wedding.

I said that I hadn’t really thought about it but she could come if they didn’t have childcare. He seemed really relieved.

I had told him ‘asked his permission’ a few weeks ago that I would like to ask his ex as well as I always got on with her and wanted her to see her daughters in their bridesmaids dresses. He was fine with it. I haven’t told ex-sil that she is invited yet nor mentioned bridesmaids to my nieces.

Apparently on Sunday he and his partner were having lunch with one of his daughters and they were talking about my wedding. My youngest niece looked at partner’s daughter and asked what she would be doing that weekend while everyone else was at the wedding.

She then told her dad in the car on her own, that her sister who was not present would not be attending if his stepdaughter would be there trying to be their family.

My own daughter had a shedload of shit from her Dad’s stepdaughter.

I don’t want to upset my nieces and want them to have a good time at my wedding.

Not when they all live in one household!!!!!!!

You know who has done nothing wrong.. the step daughter.

The brother hasn't put OP on the spot, he hasn't put 'pressure on her' he hasn't asked OP to invite her.. that is all made up, he rang to 'ask if she was going to be invited' following what sounds like an awkward dinner discussion the day before, after OP said she could come he has relayed the information about what happened the day before, OP weirdly hasn't said what her response was to that.

His daughter assumed the step daughter would not be coming, so directly asked her what she would be doing while they all at the wedding (bit mean IMO), unclear what was actually said, but it must have been mentioned that she may actually be attending and his daughter has then told her dad that her sister 'would not be attending if his stepdaughter would be there trying to be their family'. It's second hand so may have just been a flippant comment said without real meaning.. could be sorted out amicably before the wedding with sensitivity.

But the daughters are trying to punish the step daughter for existing here, it is cruel to allow it and 'choose' sides over it.

OP had the presence of mind to ask her brother weeks ago if she minded her inviting his ex to the wedding, but she hasn't given one second of thought as to whether to invite his 9 year old step daughter who lives with him??

The person who should not be going to the wedding is the SIL ex-wife/partner of the OPs Brother. I would put money on her winding up her daughters about all this. Doesn't matter that she was the one who ended the relationship, she can still feel upset that he's moved on

@sandyhappypeople we don’t know how she has reacted at all and how innocent she is in all of this back about the fact that she now lives there full time.
we don’t know if it was a 3 bed house and suddenly they are sharing beds, whether it was the home they were living in etc

what we can infer from this is that the brother given how he has handled this he hasn’t handled it well! The girls are 9, 10 and 14 so fairly close in age

She's not his step daughter. They're not married. I don't know why everyone keeps describing her as his step daughter.

She is a child that he has been living with for a little over a year.

And of course asking if your partner's child will be invited is angling for an invitation. Otherwise, why wouldn't you just wait until the invitations go out and see what they say?

The OP gave what sounds like a pretty lukewarm response to the question. She didn't say, "Of course she's invited! I wouldn't dream of not inviting her!" She said, "She can come if you don't have childcare."

At that point, the sensible thing would have been for the brother to think, "Hmm. My sister, the bride, doesn't particularly want her there. My daughters, the bridesmaids, REALLY don't want her there. This whole forcing everyone to be one big happy family thing isn't really going that well. Perhaps it would be better if she didn't go to the wedding while we continue to work on our family relationships." And to communicate that to his partner.

Once again, just because the OP's brother decided he no longer wants to be a family with woman X and is going to make a new family with woman Y and her daughter Z, that doesn't mean that everyone else in his life has to feel the same way.

The OP has her own relationship with her ex SIL. If she wants her at the wedding, there's absolutely nothing wrong with inviting her.

Yes, people need to understand that they can only blend and dissolve the familial relationships they're in charge of.

At that point, the sensible thing would have been for the brother to think, "Hmm. My sister, the bride, doesn't particularly want her there. My daughters, the bridesmaids, REALLY don't want her there. This whole forcing everyone to be one big happy family thing isn't really going that well. Perhaps it would be better if she didn't go to the wedding while we continue to work on our family relationships." And to communicate that to his partner.

Honestly @MissScarletInTheBallroom the more you post the worse you sound.

The 9 year old child LIVES with her mum and her mum's partner. Her mum, partner and partner's children are all invited to a family wedding but it's fine to leave her out so they can all "work on family relationships" without her?!

What the actual fuck.

No, you misunderstand me. They need to work on their family relationships with her and with the OP's nieces, in their everyday lives. So that they can become the kind of happy, functional blended family that can all attend a wedding together without anyone getting upset.

The OP's nieces clearly are not in that headspace yet, and if their father and his not-wife insist on trying to force them to be in that headspace before they are ready, it will only backfire.

I don't understand why people can't see this.

The OP's brother has ballsed this up completely, prioritising his desire to live with his partner and his partner's desire for him to be a replacement daddy for her daughter over the feelings and wellbeing of his own daughters. He needs to hit pause, slow things down, actually listen to his daughters and reassure them that they have not been replaced in his affections, and refrain from bringing his family drama to his sister's wedding.

Or he could carry on doing what he is doing and have a great relationship with his partner's daughter but a very toxic relationship, or no relationship at all, with his own.

And once again OP's brother didn't decide he didn't want to be in a relationship with woman X, woman X made that decision and buggered off and her daughters are the ones who are unhappy and everyone blames OP's brother for it.

As I said in a previous post ex SIL keeps coming up smelling of roses Perhaps OP should ask ex SIL to have a word with her daughters

He didn't decide he no longer wants to be a family with his daughter's mum.. maybe you should actually read OPs posts before making assumptions.

Regardless of how the previous relationship ended, there's only one person who chose to cohabit with a partner who had a child of similar age and same sex to their own, and who would be living with him all the time.

No, I don't misunderstand you at all.

But you can't exclude a CHILD from a wedding as you think it will help family relationships. It will in fact make everything worse. Because the nieces will think that that they can dictate what events step-niece is invited to and step-niece will feel massively excluded and hurt.

The ship has (rightly or wrongly) already sailed on "blending families" and moving in together so right now, the situation is what it is. Not allowing her to come along to the wedding is cruel. Excluding her from family dinners is cruel. She already lives with them so she's part of the family.

What the OPs brother CAN do is sit down with his daughters and talk to them about how it isn't nice to leave someone out and they wouldn't like it if it was them. And he can also spend more time with his daughters on his own so they don't feel jealous or that she is taking their dad from them.

But now they all live together, they can't just pick and choose who is included in what. They are a family.

Why?

This is not the OP's circus, not her monkeys.

Already the nieces' father has said to them, "I am making a new family with woman Y and child Z whether you like it or not, I am moving in with them whether you like it or not, and you've just said to me that you don't want child Z to go to your auntie's wedding so what I'm going to do now is speak to your auntie and make sure child Z is definitely invited because I don't care about your feelings."

And their father's partner has said to them, "Child Z and I are your father's family now whether you like it or not, and I know perfectly well that you don't want child Z to be at your auntie's wedding so instead of discreetly finding something else for her to do that day or even suggesting that she and I have some mother-daughter time instead of going, I'm going to put pressure on your father to speak to his sister and make sure that child Z is invited even though I know it will upset you, because I don't care about your feelings either."

And what you're saying is that the OP, their aunt, who loves them, should speak to their mother, who loves them, and ask her to speak to them and tell them that their feelings don't matter and that they need to "be kind".

Frankly, I think it is a very good thing that at least one adult in this scenario agrees that their feelings matter.

I think the nieces are painfully aware that they can't control anything at all. If they could, their father wouldn't have moved in with his partner and her child in the first place.

It sounds like they were just looking forward to one thing, one nice family event that wasn't going to be hijacked by these people that they don't consider to be their family, and their dad and his partner have tried to arrange things so that they can't even have that.

There's no solution here that isn't going to result in someone feeling hurt. Either the OP's brother's partner and her child are going to feel hurt, or her nieces are going to feel hurt.

If the OP's brother wants his daughters to barely speak to him when they're adults, he's going the right way about it. His 14 year old is already opting out of family dinners because she can't stand to be around his partner's daughter. Insisting on her being present at the wedding will only make things worse.

It sounds like they were just looking forward to one thing, one nice family event that wasn't going to be hijacked by these people that they don't consider to be their family

Wow.

Anyway, I think we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one as you obviously have your (very strong) views and aren't going to let the feelings of a 9 year old child be any factor in them.

I'm just so glad I have a family that is inclusive of everyone (married or not) and would never leave anybody out.

If only there were multiple things DB could have done to protect the feelings of the 9 year old, 10 year old and 14 year old children involved...

I think I would elope!

You. Can't. Force. People. To. Feel. Things. That. They. Don't. Feel.

They are not related to this girl, either by blood or by marriage, and they clearly don't like her.

The fact that their father has chosen to live with her and her mother does not make her their family.

If your family is "inclusive of everyone", that means one of two things. Either you don't have a difficult dynamic in your family like the one the OP's brother has created, in which case your family is irrelevant, or anyone in your family who doesn't agree with you is silenced and told their feelings don't matter.

So, if the OPs brother and his partner get married but the nieces are STILL not happy about their (at this point) step-sister being there then what? Then it's tough shit because they're married? Or they still are allowed to not have her there?

Do they even know her? How many times @BeleagueredBride have you met his new partner and child

over how many years relationship with her nieces and ex SIL

there is a lot of missing info, the relationship broke down due to not liking where they lived. How long it has been and how it has been handled.

What we do know is the 14 year old feels very strongly about this and it is fairly easy to understand why. The chances are she has lost her bedroom has to share and now has someone in her life.

the evil villain and innocent princess doesn’t hold up in real life (and even Disney gave one of the ugly stepsisters a redemption arc) and the chances are due to the adults involved none of the 3 girls has handled this well.

because big feelings are involved you can’t just move a 9 year old and step mum in and expect it to all be alright

@BeleagueredBride is also allowed to be angry at her brother who is basically bringing his shit to her wedding

If your family is "inclusive of everyone", that means one of two things. Either you don't have a difficult dynamic in your family like the one the OP's brother has created, in which case your family is irrelevant, or anyone in your family who doesn't agree with you is silenced and told their feelings don't matter.

Almost every family has difficult dynamics! We have a male relative (related by marriage) who most of the family dislike (for a number of very valid reasons) but he still gets invited to events because his wife is our blood relative and she would be hurt if he wasn't invited. So we grit our teeth, smile and make polite conversation.

We also have family related by "step" or "half" siblings. They too get invited. Nobody is silenced and told their feelings don't matter😂We just have decent morals and don't exclude anybody. And this includes teaching our kids that they don't exclude anybody either.

Jesus, even our dogs get included in family get-togethers (where they are allowed obviously).

You should watch Lilo and Stitch sometimes.

And the feelings of a 9 year old can go to hell!! She can be told you are not going to this wedding and we are

I bet the nieces have made it very clear to her they don't like her. Witness the question at the dinner table, that was said to a 9 year old. Where are you going to be the weekend of the wedding? Hint, hint you're not going to the wedding because we will make sure you don't

They don't have to like her and they can't be forced to. They are also children.

Perhaps they would dislike her less if it hadn't been made abundantly clear to them that their feelings don't matter and that they are to accept and include her in everything whether they like it or not.

If the OP's brother has got any sense at all, which it doesn't sound like he has, he will slow things right down and wait until his daughters have actually accepted this woman and her daughter as a part of their family before he even thinks about getting married.