Niece and my wedding

[BeleagueredBride]

On Sunday evening my brother asked to meet me but I couldn’t but I met him on Monday.

He asked me if I was going to invite his partner’s 9 nearly 10 year old to my wedding.

I said that I hadn’t really thought about it but she could come if they didn’t have childcare. He seemed really relieved.

I had told him ‘asked his permission’ a few weeks ago that I would like to ask his ex as well as I always got on with her and wanted her to see her daughters in their bridesmaids dresses. He was fine with it. I haven’t told ex-sil that she is invited yet nor mentioned bridesmaids to my nieces.

Apparently on Sunday he and his partner were having lunch with one of his daughters and they were talking about my wedding. My youngest niece looked at partner’s daughter and asked what she would be doing that weekend while everyone else was at the wedding.

She then told her dad in the car on her own, that her sister who was not present would not be attending if his stepdaughter would be there trying to be their family.

My own daughter had a shedload of shit from her Dad’s stepdaughter.

I don’t want to upset my nieces and want them to have a good time at my wedding.

Why is it unreasonable of them to want to have their dad the themselves sometimes without always having to share him with an unrelated child?

His new partner might be delighted to have found a replacement daddy for her 9 year old after making a poor choice first time round, but she can't expect his existing daughters to be equally delighted about it.

The "other child"?!?! You mean their step-sister? Who (presumably) lives with them?

That poor child. You, your brother and your nieces all sound awful. She's a 9 year old girl.

He did say that.

The discussion about the nieces boycotting the wedding happened when he drove them home on Sunday night.

He spoke to OP on Monday to ask if partners daughter was invited.

It sounds like some assumptions have been made, the niece assumed the partners daughter wouldn't be invited so made a catty comment to her asking her what she would be doing n that day instead while they are all off celebrating, only to find out actually, she'll be going with us, which is what has led to the boycott.

Bit of a silly discussion to have in fairness as NO ONE has been officially invited yet, hence the OPs brother ringing up to clarify the next day.

OPs nieces don't know that she knows about the boycott discussion.

It sounds like some assumptions have been made, the niece assumed the partners daughter wouldn't be invited so made a catty comment to her asking her what she would be doing n that day instead while they are all off celebrating, only to find out actually, she'll be going with us, which is what has led to the boycott.

She didn't "find out" that her dad's partners daughter would be going as well.

She assumed that her dad's partner's daughter would not be invited.

It sounds like her dad and his partner assumed that her daughter would be invited.

The OP's niece was actually correct in her assumption because she says herself that she had not considered inviting this child, who is not her niece. She said they could bring her if they had no childcare, before her brother mentioned that bringing her would cause friction with his own daughters, who don't want her to be there.

It would have been far more mature of the OP's brother and his partner to decide between them that it was probably best if her daughter didn't go to the wedding, if she is invited, rather than specifically asking for her to be invited and then dropping the bombshell on the OP that her presence will cause tension and drama.

I will be telling him that it’s his to sort out but my nieces will have priority over the other child as innocent as she is.

What?! That's a complete fucking contradiction.

OP you've made it absolutely clear you don't want your brothers step-daughter there. You and your brother both sound like nasty pieces of work towards this 9 year old who - unless I've missed something - has done absolutely nothing wrong apart from move into a house that she had no choice about.

What is your brother going to do if he gets married to this woman if his daughters demand that their step-sister isn't at her own mums wedding? Leave her out of that too?!

It’s one day at a wedding …

It’s a wedding so obviously it’s not about having their dad to themselves on this occasion. It’s actually about them just wanting to hoof the poor 9 year old girl, and make sure that she knows just how irrelevant she is to everyone, and that as ‘real’ family they have the power to exclude her if they have enough of a tantrum about it.

You love your nieces and so this is a good opportunity for you to help them with a bit of a life lesson in not being fucking horrible.

Barely know … they live together??? And the niece kicked off after she was invited!

The OP's nieces also had no choice about their dad going to live with another child. It doesn't sound like he or his partner have taken their feelings into consideration at all.

Obviously she can't be excluded from meals in her own home, but what is the OP's brother doing to give his daughters the quality time with their dad they need and deserve?

It was not unreasonable to assume that she wouldn't be invited to her mum's boyfriend's sister's wedding. The OP's brother is not her step-dad and the OP is not her aunt. It sounds like the OP's nieces were looking forward to some family time with their actual family, without anyone else muscling in.

Because the fact is, neither this child nor her mother are related to them, by blood or by marriage. They don't have to consider these people to be part of their family, and trying to force them to is only going to be counterproductive.

If the OP's brother insists on considering his partner and her daughter's feelings over the feelings of his own daughters, who are probably still feeling bruised by their parents' divorce, they are going to feel replaced in his affections by these two strangers, and of course they are going to resent it.

If the OP's brother does marry his partner then of course all the children would need to be there. It would be their parents' wedding. Not the wedding of their mum's boyfriend's sister, who they barely know.

With some of the responses on this thread, I have wondered about the rationale. Multiple posters calling a 10 year old a brat, bitch, spoiled, nasty and various other insults for being a child who's struggling with her father's behaviour. Obviously such posters don't have the self awareness to understand just how bad that makes them sound, but interesting to ponder where exactly those emotions came from. We can't have a child visibly suffering because one of their parents prioritised a live in shag above their emotions, must make it shut up!

The OP barely knows the child.

And the OP's niece expressed her feelings to her father, who then expressly disregarded her feelings and asked the OP to invite the child. He did so in the full knowledge that this would upset his daughters, but didn't tell the OP that until after she had reluctantly agreed to invite a child she had no intention of inviting.

Why is it unreasonable of them to want to have their dad the themselves sometimes without always having to share him with an unrelated child?

it's not unreasonable for the nieces to want their dad to themselves sometimes, but you don't know that they don't get that time with him already, and if they don't that is a deeper problem that should be addressed by him, it has nothing to do with OP or the wedding, her wedding shouldn't be used as a battleground for attention/affection, and it is mean to play 'pick me' and to purposely isolate one person from it just to make a point that they will never be part of your family, it is also cruel for the adults to allow that.

Besides, we are talking about one event here, I think if the nieces knew they were bridesmaids and the step sister was being invited as a guest it would probably be a bit different, but ALL the adults in the situation (OP included) have completely failed to navigate this situation sensitively and now the children have made assumption and got upset when no one actually knows for sure what is happening anyway, complete shit-show of bad communication all round.

OP hadn't even thought about the partners daughter until her brother asked her!! Not even asked the nieces to be bridesmaids yet? Not sending invites till Christmas for an April wedding, this should have all been thought about in advance.

They aren’t being horrible- they are dealing with a tricky situation that clearly hasn’t been handled well by the adults involved.

Honestly who would at that age cope well with parents separating and Dad moving in a new partner with a new daughter who doesn’t see her Dad.

Answer is not many of us. It would need care and reassurances time spent apart and separately rather than forcing the situation.

blending families takes time and commitment and understanding that it isn’t going to be easy

I can’t stand this notion that we shouldn’t have negative emotions because being human is about having those whst the nieces are feeling is normal given how I suspect it has been handled from how he has handled this.
all 3 girls have been let down and this is clearly the result

Children can ‘express their feelings’ all they like. They aren’t their parent’s line managers, although this seems to be the way the world is going in some families. My DS expresses his little feelings to me all the time about wanting a later bed time or not to go to his clubs or not wanting to do chores and it’s my duty as his parent not to acquiesce to his every whim.

What has the OP done wrong, exactly?

The invitations have not yet gone out.

She had no particular plans to invite this child, with whom she has no real relationship.

After being put on the spot by her brother, she agreed that the child could come if they had no childcare, which is absolutely not the same thing as wanting her to come.

She then learned that her nieces are very unhappy about the idea of this child being at the wedding.

And now she's asking Mumsnet, "What do I do?"

It's really difficult to see how she can be criticised for anything yet.

Her brother and his partner have put her in a really awkward position by putting pressure on her to invite his partner's daughter to the wedding, without giving her all the relevant information beforehand. He should have said to his partner, "Look, I don't know whether she will be invited or not, but perhaps it would be better for her to be doing something else that day if she is invited. My daughters have not adjusted to our new blended family situation as well as we had hoped, and they need more time. Let's not turn my sister's wedding into a source of conflict."

Yes about little feelings about can I stay up late, have macdonalds for tea, stay out late

Not about the impact of a new stepmother and stepsister and if they did so the I am the adult you will step in line it is clear why this hasn’t worked

Exactly this.

If the brother carries on like this his daughters will end up hating his partner's daughter even more than they already do.

There seem to be a number of posters on this thread talking about how their children would have to do what they're told. I'm guessing, but suspect most of you don't have DC who are struggling because your partner's child gets more of you than they do?

This. If my teen DSD "refused" to come to an event based on someone being there that she didn't like (which she would never do to be fair as she's actually a nice person!) she'd be told in no uncertain terms that it isn't up to her.

Although in this instance it sounds like the OP doesn't want the step-niece there anyway so she's happy to jump on board with her nieces bitchiness in excluding her.

It's the wedding of someone who is a close family member of his daughters, and a pretty distant connection of her daughter.

Looking at it from a different perspective, chances are that the step-niece actually lives with the OPs brother and partner full-time. And the actual nieces don't.

So if she is inviting her brother and his partner then it would be absolutely fucking cruel to not invite the 9 year old child when everyone else in her household is going.

Be honest.

If someone who already had a plus one to your wedding asked for a plus two, and that plus two was someone you barely knew, and then after agreeing to it you realised that two people you love and care about very much would be upset if the plus two was there, you wouldn't want the plus two there either.

No one would.

It's not a plus two for fucks sake! It is a child!

If you have a wedding where children are invited then they generally attend by default with their parents.

Any wedding invites we have had have either being explicitly "no kids allowed" or addressed to "Mr and Mrs Starlight and family".

Looking at it from a different perspective, chances are that the step-niece actually lives with the OPs brother and partner full-time. And the actual nieces don't.

Well yes, that's probably what her nieces are so bloody upset about, isn't it?

They probably feel like their dad loves this other little girl more than he loves them right now.

But he can't expect the OP, who has known and loved her nieces for their entire lives, and has met this other child a handful of times, to feel the same way.

The OP's relationship with them is not based on who lives where, because she doesn't live with any of them.

The brother needs to accept that he has chosen to make a new family with another woman and her child, but nobody else has chosen to make a new family with them. If he wants it to actually work in the long run he needs to behave with more emotional intelligence.

I don't see the relevance of the weddings you have been to. The couple can invite who they like.

It's quite normal to invite children you are actually close to but not others.