Niece and my wedding

[BeleagueredBride]

On Sunday evening my brother asked to meet me but I couldn’t but I met him on Monday.

He asked me if I was going to invite his partner’s 9 nearly 10 year old to my wedding.

I said that I hadn’t really thought about it but she could come if they didn’t have childcare. He seemed really relieved.

I had told him ‘asked his permission’ a few weeks ago that I would like to ask his ex as well as I always got on with her and wanted her to see her daughters in their bridesmaids dresses. He was fine with it. I haven’t told ex-sil that she is invited yet nor mentioned bridesmaids to my nieces.

Apparently on Sunday he and his partner were having lunch with one of his daughters and they were talking about my wedding. My youngest niece looked at partner’s daughter and asked what she would be doing that weekend while everyone else was at the wedding.

She then told her dad in the car on her own, that her sister who was not present would not be attending if his stepdaughter would be there trying to be their family.

My own daughter had a shedload of shit from her Dad’s stepdaughter.

I don’t want to upset my nieces and want them to have a good time at my wedding.

No, her brother asked if his partner's daughter could attend, the OP said yes OK then, then he said, "oh by the way my daughters will be upset if she comes".

Whereas if he'd said, "I wanted to check whether partner's daughter is invited to the wedding, I know she would love to come but if she does we will need to tread carefully because my daughters won't be happy about it", the OP probably would have said, "well obviously I'd rather she didn't come if it's going to cause drama".

That’s a bit of a reach from that post dint you think?

Should I deduce that you must be one of those shitty parents that prioritises your adult relationships over the feelings of any children either of you have, because you deserve to be happy and anyone who is hurt by your choices deserves to be dismissed?

Not a reach. Your post outlined that you’re happy to gang up with children against an innocent child. Shitty, as I said.

Where do you get ganging up from? Do you expect the brothers children not to have individual feelings just because there are two of them?

What’s shitty is forcing children to be in step families and expend them to neither have nor express any difficult feelings about it.

What’s shitty is to insist that your child gets invited to a wedding, so that you can pretend you have a happy blended family despite only being a plus one and knowing that it might make a special day difficult for people closely involved in it.

What’s shitty is so many people on here calling a 14 year old a brat or a bitch for normal feelings about her dad moving on ti live with new children that she has done nothing but share quietly with her own sister. She hasn’t done any of the blackmailing she’s being accused of, she just had a chat with her own sister.

If you have not asked DNs to be bridesmaids yet I would be doing that asap and making it clear to them they have a special place in the ceremony and to you. At this point you don’t really know what the strength of feeling is and they may be OK. If not and db can’t usefully sort it out then if course you should prioritise them.

Agree. This is surely the solution to all of this. And then DB needs to sit down and deal with his children and stepdaughter on his own.

I'm sorry for the 9-year-old too. The brother's behaviour in comandeering his sister's wedding in this way has been pretty devious and I'd have a choice word to say to him about that. He's been cowardly and just expected the women of the family to pick up the work he's left undone. The failure to consider any of these children is his doing.

That the OP obviously loves her nieces dearly and cares about their wellbeing shines through in her posts, and is commendable. But these girls are going to find, when they grow up, that we all have to live with others in the world who might be less willing to cede to their demands and are less susceptible to emotional blackmail. These are not great traits to have picked up by this age but again, the brother's lack of ability to meet their needs probably plays its part.

In the longer term if OP capitulates to her nieces on this issue she'll be doing them no favours.

Yes exactly. They may even be wondering if the SD will be a bridesmaid. Focusing them on the excitement of the bridesmaid role could well solve this. Anyway all that is known at the moment are a couple of private comments from little girls who have gone through a huge change. Pp calling them names like ‘catty bitches’ is pretty disgraceful.

Who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️ it all sounds very messy and immature.

He didn’t say that … the niece said her sister won’t go if the 9 year old goes … OP then changed her mind to keep her nieces happy, her words!

Likely not the first time she’s done it.

He’s lived with the women for 14 months … not really as newish partner.

All the answers are on this thread.

It’s not exactly a settled and well established relationship either considering that at least one of the three children involved is extremely unhappy about it.

There’s a chance that your brother wont want(be able) to come if his new step daughter is refused invite.
How will you feel about that ?
I think you need to have a calm talk with your nieces, without their parents, & sound the water.
Explaining you could un- invite step daughter, but that could cause a rift between you & their father.
acknowledge their feelings, but enforce this is just a party, its supposed to be a happy day. You can put them on a table with their Mum if they want, but you are trying to make everyone happy, wheras its actually “Your day” Could they do this for you?
Mention the option of none of them coming & that would make you very sad… etc etc

@BeleagueredBride Surely this should up to your brother to sort out and you should be saying

“I want my nieces to be bridesmaids - I also don’t want to leave your partners daughter out, she’s part of your family too - it would be cruel and would cause issues with your partner and also allow the nieces to keep being unwelcoming - you need to speak to daughters and sort this out. It’s not very becoming of them to be so mean and you need to understand why and sort it if you are going to have a meaningful long term relationship with current partner”

the fact that 14 yr old wasn’t at dads house for dinner speaks volumes. She’s clearly had her nose put out of joint - this is less about your wedding and more about brother getting his house in order.

@BeleagueredBride how long has it been since your brother left your ex sil?

how long has been been dating new one?

do they live together - which would explain why the little girl is at family meals with her mum that nieces are objecting to.

imagine they split up 10 years ago due to SIL. He’s has a year or 2 single then dated new sil who has a young baby. Hes been in her life since and they’ve lived together for 6 years…

is different to they split under 3 years ago and been dating new sil for 8 months.

Yes but the point is, who the fuck goes to their sister and asks her to invite a child she barely knows to her wedding, knowing that one of the bridesmaids has already said she doesn't want to go if that child is there?

Why do you think the OP should join the team of adults currently telling her nieces that their feelings don't matter?

Of course he would still be able to come, why wouldn't he?

And another thing the brother is presumably in a serious relationship with new partner if they’ve lived together 14 mths so presumably they’ve been together even longer than that.

you talk about the nieces as being more important and step- niece not being part of your family but she IS part of your family. Your brother is raising her.

you Also state your own daughter has issues with her step sibling so you should acutely understand that the way your nieces are behaving to their step sibling is not kind.

its not like he dumped niece’s mum and got some other woman pregnant either. Nieces mum wanted to move.

I think the nieces are being slightly brattish perhaps by wanting dad to themselves and pushing out the 9 year old /jealous of her.

You've invited her, that's the end of it. They don't get to dictate invitations. Also why haven't you asked them if they want to be bridesmaid but have worded it like they are going to be?

They don't seem nice. Not wanting his 9 year old step daughter present at meals and saying they won't come.

I am happy for OP to take into account her nieces likely feelings. However, children should not be dictating to adults. We don't consult children on important decisions because they are not old enough to understand the ramifications of decisions or their consequences. E.g. you don't consult your DC on a holiday destination, you choose one you can afford that will suit everyone and that fits in with holidays and other plans - DC are not competent to make input into such a decison since they won't understand that adults' holiday time is more limited than theirs, won't understand the financial costs and won't understand that some places will be unavailable/too expensive at certain times of year or will clash with other plans e.g. work commitments, other family commitments.
It's nice to ask whether they would prefer Venice or Florence (they possibly won't know), it isn't sensible to let them look through holiday destinations and choose Disney Florida, which you can't afford.