Niece and my wedding

[BeleagueredBride]

On Sunday evening my brother asked to meet me but I couldn’t but I met him on Monday.

He asked me if I was going to invite his partner’s 9 nearly 10 year old to my wedding.

I said that I hadn’t really thought about it but she could come if they didn’t have childcare. He seemed really relieved.

I had told him ‘asked his permission’ a few weeks ago that I would like to ask his ex as well as I always got on with her and wanted her to see her daughters in their bridesmaids dresses. He was fine with it. I haven’t told ex-sil that she is invited yet nor mentioned bridesmaids to my nieces.

Apparently on Sunday he and his partner were having lunch with one of his daughters and they were talking about my wedding. My youngest niece looked at partner’s daughter and asked what she would be doing that weekend while everyone else was at the wedding.

She then told her dad in the car on her own, that her sister who was not present would not be attending if his stepdaughter would be there trying to be their family.

My own daughter had a shedload of shit from her Dad’s stepdaughter.

I don’t want to upset my nieces and want them to have a good time at my wedding.

they won't all live together, she will live with him24/7 with their father while they get bit parts and even less if he has another.

this is why there is so much animosity in the first place which is HIS responsibility to rectify and work on.

Going Back to how the brother asked got his answer then threw in the comment. I wonder if he wanted to be able to go back to his rather new ish partner and go.

I asked if step child could come, she said if we cannot get child care, but changed her mind after what DD said.

So he can be the good guy asking but nasty op said firstly if she must if you have no other options, then no, ultimately being what he actually wants.

I’d prioritise my own nieces as well. They’re children who’ve been forced into this situation by their dad and are under no obligation to blend into his new set up. His partner and her daughter are not their step-mum and step-sister, and I can completely understand why these kids feel insecure and unhappy.

The 9 year old is innocent obviously but your DB was a)incredibly underhand by asking you to invite her before telling you how your niece feels and b)completely dismissive of his own daughter. It may be upsetting for the little girl but your DB is the cause of it and ultimately, she and her mum are not your family.

OP, his relationship may not last, but your nieces memories of this time will.
It is a no contest decision.
In fact perhaps you should rethink his girlfriends invitation altogether.
Family first when it comes to weddings, not newish partners, particularly when there are broken marriages.
His priorities are poor, his children should be his priority.

I’ve been that girl who was excluded whilst my dad celebrated events with his ‘new’ family. It broke my heart.

As adults you should be teaching the girls to not treat her like she’s unwanted purely just because her mum met their dad - it’s not her fault. At the end of the day, she’s just a little girl. My little girl is 8 and it scrambles my head just thinking about how something like this would make her feel.

I understand the mish mash of emotions that they will have but it’s not fair to be cruel to the little girl and make her feel unwanted. Your nieces will be surrounded by family and won’t bat an eyelid at her presence on the day.

If your nieces are not ok with it, then the other child doesn’t get to attend. I hate this assumption that just because a relative gets into a relationship with someone who already has children, that you have to treat them as your own in some way.

As you’re happy for this child to attend as long has his daughters are ok with it, then this is his issue to sort out.

How nasty of your nieces.
They, as bridesmaids, will not even notice other guests who will all be gushing at them anyway.
Your nieces will have special dressing and preening time and will be seated on display, dressed as bridesmaids and will have a very different experience to that of any other child guest.

If your brother is truly serious about having a long term relationship with his new wife, you need to show respect and invite his step daughter to the ceremony and meal along with her mother, as with any other nieces and nephews. How do your nieces feel about children attending from the groom's family etc?

Your brother needs to mediate a fair communication with all girls but remember to give his own daughters his centre of attention before, and on the day.

Decide who would be in family photos.
ie .. all extended guests in a larger group but only blood relatives in smaller groups.

Be lateral thinking,Op. Will this girl possibly invite you and your nieces to to her wedding one day?
Help your nieces not to be mean girls.

I would suggest it’s their parents not your decision on how best to handle this step sibling type rivalry, the family isn’t just blood but blended. No reason they can’t all come and the response to these children should have been, it’s not up to me it’s up to your parents.

It would destroy them? Honestly they do sound like brats then, it will not destroy them if one little girl is at the same event as them. This is an issue for your brother to solve, but you are risking your relationship with him by leaning in to this melodrama.

OP, do your nieces know that they are to be bridesmaids? In your opening post, you said that you had not spoken to them about it yet. Maybe if they know they are to be bridesmaids, but the other little girl will just be a guest, that might help the situation.

Does OP need to care about whether this girl invites her or her nieces to her wedding?

She isn’t OP’s niece, or any relation to her at all. Her nieces are the ones she has a relationship with, and they have expressed to her how unwilling they are to be forced into interacting with this girl and having a relationship with her. OP’s already very familiar about how distressing an unwelcome ‘blended family’ situation can be for a child she cares about as it’s happening to her own daughter. Her nieces are her priority, not her brother’s stepdaughter.

It's a fourteen year old being petty and jealous.
She would look back on herself as a mean girl if she were allowed to exclude a young child as a wedding guest.

The ten year old seems not worried, but is influenced by her hormonal sister.
How would the older niece react if her Dad said,
'Not coming? We'll all miss you but make up your mind so that Aunt can choose another bridesmaid and have the dress altered.'

I think it's all talk and the adults should call her bluff and make adult rules based on kindness and polite ways of being civil.

Presumably if their dad had dealt with this better, his daughter wouldn’t feel the way she does. His daughters are children, he should have made sure that his daughters felt secure and were happy before he moved in with another woman with a child. This is the fathers failing, not the childs.

Keepingthingsinteresting

The reference to their being destroyed was in response to a poster saying my brother would stay with his stepdaughter instead of coming to the wedding with his own daughters.

But it seems that the 9-year-old has already been told that she is invited. I think it would be really cruel to withdraw that invitation. I think the best approach is for her brother and perhaps the OP as well to try to address the nieces' issues in a way that avoids hurting a 9 year old child.

That may well happen to be honest.

If he’s told her that in advance of the invitations being sent out then that’s on him.

There isn’t always a way to avoid hurting someone, and it’s highly unlikely that either OP or her father are going to be able to lecture them into liking this girl they’ve been very clear about wanting nothing to do with. Building a relationship between the three girls will take time, and may not ever happen at all. Trying to force the issue at OP’s wedding won’t help anything or anyone.

OP has to choose between prioritizing the feelings of her nieces, and those of her brother’s partner’s child. Of course she’s going to choose her nieces.

What was cruel was OPs brother getting the invite for this girl secured without telling her that her niece had an issue with it. What a shit! So again, he has failed and it’s his issue to sort out. OP needs to look after her relationship with her nieces first and foremost.

I know there's a lot of dickheads around, but a man wouldn't miss his own sister's wedding where his daughters are bridesmaids, just because his partner's kid isnt invited, surely??

I think you’d be surprised, sadly.

Hes living with the child, just because they arent married doesnt matter. Hes taken her on as part of being with her mum. Maybe neither of them want to remarry???

Has he though? Op hasn’t said he considers her a daughter or acts as a father to her. If he chooses to, at the cost of his relationship with actual daughters, that’s his choice. It doesn’t oblige OP or anyone else to do the same.

Choosing not to come, is not being excluded. Its a failed attempt at manipulating the adults, in her bullying campaign against an innocent 9yr old.

How old are your nieces? Is this your brothers wife or just a partner? How long have they been together? the answers would make a difference to this problem.

This isn't about the wedding. It's about the nieces feeling their Dad has moved on and they're less important to him now