Controversial approach to Santa

[Lynsey953]

My children are 2 and 3 and I have never spoken to them about Santa. I've never said anything about him and they've never asked. We don't pay for them to see Santa and I don't allow other people to make a big deal about Santa in front of them (i.e. this present is from Santa, I would rather people say "this is from me merry Christmas").

This is how I was brought up and I have lovely memories of Christmas.

My sister in law is very upset by this and is worried that my controversial approach to Santa is going to ruin the magic for her kids. She has requested that we go to my parents house for Christmas day so that my kids don't ruin Christmas for her kids (8 and 9).

I am fine with this but I hadn't realised my approach was so controversial.

Is it? It's just what myself and my siblings always had.

We've taken the exact same approach, stockings and presents. Presents are definitely from us, we just don't mention where stockings are from. I actively encourage conversations about what's make believe and what isn't. But respond to any direct questions about Santa with open questions about what my kids believe.

Tbh I'd much prefer to just tell them the truth as I find the whole Santa thing weird but I feel I can't explain to a kid that all other adults are lying to them so I just go with the open questions and definitely don't tell him he's real. Not sure why anyone else would have an issue with it, if you're happy to not saying anything direct.

Both my kids are obsessed with Santa, and due to my open questions have built themselves their own backstories they believe in strongly 😂🎅

Do people not lie to their kids the whole time 😁? I do. "Oh sweetie, we can't go to the pool today because it's shut and their cleaning it. Let's go on Wednesday". "No, you wouldn't like this cake, it's a bit spicy".

I always think on these threads, "you do you". My child believes and has a strong enough belief that others not believing would have precisely zero effect. I think he asked at one point, and I said something like "Santa only comes if the parents want him to come, otherwise kids still get gifts, but it's their parents who bring them". It's also a good reason for why Santa won't bring nerf guns or ponies - "Santa won't bring anything he knows your parents wouldn't want you to have".

My older one is becoming more and more aware that my parenting style is based on lies and deceit, but it doesn't seem to have shattered our relationship. Instead, we lie to the toddler together - "no, your brother has not just eaten two Oreos, there are no biscuits in the house, would you like an apple?"

JUST TO CLARIFY:

1. I would never allow my children to be cruel to another child (now or in the future) and tell them that they are wrong to believe something! A belief is a belief and as people living in the UK we have the right what we wish.
2. I don't think my SIL is overreacting - she is entitled to celebrate how she sees fit and if it helps her we can absolutely go to my mums🙂.
3. I don't think my PIL are overreacting - they are entitled to spend Christmas how they wish and as they enjoy the Santa thing would rather spend time with their elder grandchildren.
4. And finally - It is very clear to me now that there is no normal when it comes to Christmas and Santa. Everybody on here is describing something slightly different - to be honest I don't know how kids don't figure it out sooner. So I'll just do me and my kids 🙂.

But what does your husband think, OP?

Is he OK with being excluded from his family Christmas because your family do things a bit differently?

He's always been Santa in Ireland. What an odd thing to 'hate'.

So no tooth fairy, no Easter Bunny, no fictional characters, no Disney characters, no fantasy characters, no magic.
There is a difference between lying and giving your kids joy. I appreciate this is just my opinion and I am sure you give your children a very happy childhood but I want to add in the magic and the fairy dust x

Your approach sounds sensible, OP.

Mine is only 1yo, but I can’t imagine going to great lengths to convince them FC is 100% “real”. As a PP said, I fundamentally want them to trust us as their parents, and not potentially feel stupid or sad when they find out we’ve been insistently telling them things that aren’t true, just for fun.

I’m on board with fun rituals and traditions and telling stories, but I probably won’t be going all out to make DC believe FC is literally real and squeezes down our chimney! It also puts a lot of emphasis on getting presents, which I could do without.

Some PPs’ bullish insistence on The Magic - and for DC at the end of primary! - does make me laugh. It’s not a religion 😂

Exactly. I tell my kids that god isn't real too. It's perfectly fine for kids to have their own beliefs without worrying about other people. Parents who say "oh but you'll ruin it for my kids!" are so unbelievably selfish. Do you keep your kids away from all children from other religions and cultures too, because even others that celebrate Christmas have totally different customs and traditions that don't involve santa.

I'm scottish and it was always Santa. Never heard Father Xmas until we moved to England. Even then it was always older people that used the term, younger people having adopted the name Santa. American Xmas films talk about Santa. Perhaps that accounts for the change in England.

We did Father Christmas but my kid had worked it all out for herself by the time she was 6 and I had always said I wasn't going to lie to her if she asked me point blank whether or not FC existed. I have been very clear with her that she's not to spoil it for other kids who still believe and she understands that and hasn't.

I am a bit surprised that you're surprised at your sister in law's approach though, OP, it can't have escaped you that some people really feel very strongly about their kids enjoying the fantasy for as long as possible.

Where did this horrible phrase 'you do you' come from? What happened to 'each to their own'?

Santa is loved by many all over the world. The very idea of him beings joy and hope.
You are coming across as quite angry, so let's just agree that we have different views. 😄

I've never told my kid to lie about it to other kids, just that she's not to blurt it out. If another kid asks and she tells them the truth of course I would back her if someone tried to tell her off for it.

I applaud your sensible decision not to lie to your children

Oh come now, it’s a stretch of gymnastic proportions to assume that as the OP isn’t making a big thing of convincing her small DC that FC squeezes down everyone’s chimney on the same night, she must also ban reading fiction or watching Disney films 😂

In the US and UK, in 1773.

I think parents overthink things a bit and get a bit obsessed with ‘the magic’.
Growing up I didn’t believe but still had amazing magical Christmases.
My DC had presents in a sack from Father Christmas, their cousins the same age got small stockings from Santa and other presents from their parents. While we never woke up together we all still each other on Christmas Day, have lots of fun together and nobody had anything spoilt or magic ruined.

We don't "do" Santa either. If we Christmas in the UK, we have stockings but there's never a big fuss about Santa. Christmas is perfectly lovely without it.

I mean I understand, and can see your point.However unless you wish to live underground ,or never go shopping .How do you plan to deal with singing Santa s Elves and so on? It's October, and last week at the Garden Centre. Singing Penguins ,Christmas lights, and a full on Model Railway with a mini model of the Guy in red and his workshop!

I don’t think your approach is unreasonable, but as the children get the school age they’ll wonder who the guy in the red suit is who everyone’s so excited about! I don’t think it’s too late to introduce Santa now in a subtle way, if you want to add a tiny bit of Christmas magic. I used to give my kids stockings ‘from Santa’ and a couple of small presents under the tree, but I didn’t see why he should get the credit for all the expensive stuff!

He usually opts to work Christmas Day. He loves the way my family do it because it's more about giving than recieving which is what he thinks Christmas is about hence why he works a little of it every year - he's a paediatric doctor and opts to work on call on the 25th.

Until I had children, I didn’t realise there was so much controversy around what Santa did or didn’t do. Growing up we got a main present and stocking from Santa which appeared on Christmas morning. Otherwise gifts were from parents and other family members. I remember the excitement as they started to arrive during December and trying to guess what they were as we put them under the tree. I do the same with my own children. That way they know who has given them gifts and can thank them.

I’ve heard all sorts of different things other families do. Some talk about sending money to Santa. Others have Santa delivering gifts from other family members or leaving more gifts at Grandparents houses. It all sounds overly complicated to me. My children are usually so excited with no toys that they don’t discuss how they arrived in great detail with other children.

This is my first Christmas with 2 children in secondary school so there is much less Santa talk in our house. This will be our first year without a grotto visit.

Having just told my nearly 12 year old that Santa isn’t real, I think you’re doing the right thing. He said, “but you lied to me the whole time? I trusted you” 💔

Same thing that happened to ‘suum cuique’ and ‘to each what is due to him’.

I'm nearly 70. I still vividly remember being 7 years old and finding out that Santa wasn't real and wondering just what else my parents had lied to me about.

I know children who know full well Santa doesn't exist but pretend they think he does to please their parents, setting themselves up for a lifetime of lying about themselves to protect the feelings of others.

If I could, I'd restrict the Santa fantasy to the fairy books like Cinderella.

You are doing your children a favour.