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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Controversial approach to Santa

507 replies

Lynsey953 · 15/10/2025 06:50

My children are 2 and 3 and I have never spoken to them about Santa. I've never said anything about him and they've never asked. We don't pay for them to see Santa and I don't allow other people to make a big deal about Santa in front of them (i.e. this present is from Santa, I would rather people say "this is from me merry Christmas").

This is how I was brought up and I have lovely memories of Christmas.

My sister in law is very upset by this and is worried that my controversial approach to Santa is going to ruin the magic for her kids. She has requested that we go to my parents house for Christmas day so that my kids don't ruin Christmas for her kids (8 and 9).

I am fine with this but I hadn't realised my approach was so controversial.

Is it? It's just what myself and my siblings always had.

OP posts:
TheBlueHotel · 15/10/2025 06:56

So your kids won't have stockings? That's fine for your family but you must know it's unusual and I'm not surprised people wouldn't want to spend Christmas morning with you if they have children who will be getting them.

Bumbun · 15/10/2025 06:57

I mean, it’s completely up to you. It isn’t criminal nor cruel and you said yourself without necessarily knowing/centering Christmas around Santa it didn’t make it any less special.

This is the main thing I think, as long as Christmas (if you celebrate it) is magical in one way or another then I don’t see the issue.

Having said that though, you will probably be in the minority and a lot of people will ask ‘why not?’ and I can totally see your SIL’s concerns if she, like myself, takes the magic of Santa fairly seriously! You just both need to respect eachothers wishes here I think, OP.

GoodGollyMissDolly · 15/10/2025 06:57

Your kids, your rules! The only difficulty I can foresee is if your kids started to tell other kids that ‘Santa wasn’t real’ as that could be tricky for them (both yours and others) to manage at a young age, but I don’t think your approach is controversial. I had a colleague who very starkly told her children Santa categorically wasn’t real as she ‘didn’t want to be party to lies to children’. So, each to their own!

PegDope · 15/10/2025 06:59

It’s not controversial, it is weird though.

Original poster
Lynsey953 · 15/10/2025 06:59

We give them stockings from us 🙂. It's not Christmas morning, it was just Christmas lunch so from about 2:30pm onwards. Honestly, I know a lot of people who have so many different approaches to Christmas that I wouldn't say it was entirely unusual. We have presents, stockings but I just never mention Santa.

OP posts:
40andlovelife · 15/10/2025 06:59

Your approach is your approach. Personally I do feel you have massively missed out on the magic and your children will too. You don’t know what your kids are missing out on because you never had it. In terms of your sis in law I get where she is coming from. I have never heard of anyone take the approach you are so I get why she is shocked. You best keep up the magic for her kids and play along with the Santa magic if you are expecting her not to mention Santa to yours!

autienotnaughty · 15/10/2025 07:00

Your kids are too young to fully understand Santa, they may get in to it a bit more when they go to school. If they ask about Santa what do you plan to say?
Your sils kids are coming to the end (most kids know around yr 4/5) it’s highly unlikely your kids will spoil it for them if anything it’s more likely your kids will get caught up in it.
i wouldn’t let anyone tell me where to spend Xmas.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/10/2025 07:02

How will you manage it when they go to school? Are they the only kids Santa doesn’t bother with? Or are you happy for them to ruin Santa for their classmates?

Autisticburnouthell · 15/10/2025 07:02

Everyone has different approaches which is why kids figure it out. Stockings only from santa in this house. At 8 and 9 will be able of the differences and probably don’t believe or are in the last year of believing anyway.

Original poster
Lynsey953 · 15/10/2025 07:03

GoodGollyMissDolly · 15/10/2025 06:57

Your kids, your rules! The only difficulty I can foresee is if your kids started to tell other kids that ‘Santa wasn’t real’ as that could be tricky for them (both yours and others) to manage at a young age, but I don’t think your approach is controversial. I had a colleague who very starkly told her children Santa categorically wasn’t real as she ‘didn’t want to be party to lies to children’. So, each to their own!

I was never told he wasn't real or he was real. It just wasn't spoken about 🤷‍♀️. I remember him coming to school and me telling my mum he was real because I'd seen him and she just said "really? Okay then". That was definitely my original plan 🤷‍♀️.

I absolutely would never want to ruin anyone else's Christmas plans so I'm more than happy to go to my parents 🙂. I am not a Scrooge! Honest 🙂.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 15/10/2025 07:03

You can approach it how you want but I do think as your children get older they will become aware of Santa and you need to make sure they know not to say things that make other children not believe.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/10/2025 07:05

Lynsey953 · 15/10/2025 07:03

I was never told he wasn't real or he was real. It just wasn't spoken about 🤷‍♀️. I remember him coming to school and me telling my mum he was real because I'd seen him and she just said "really? Okay then". That was definitely my original plan 🤷‍♀️.

I absolutely would never want to ruin anyone else's Christmas plans so I'm more than happy to go to my parents 🙂. I am not a Scrooge! Honest 🙂.

Show quote history

You were unusual, most kids will ask and the world has changed since you were a kid. So what happens when they ask?

Greggsit · 15/10/2025 07:06

What are you going to say when they're older and come home from school asking "Why doesn't Santa come to our house?"

Underthinker · 15/10/2025 07:07

The kids will likely go to school with loads of non Christians who don't believe in santa. No one will find kids who do xmas but not Santa very weird.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/10/2025 07:07

Underthinker · 15/10/2025 07:07

The kids will likely go to school with loads of non Christians who don't believe in santa. No one will find kids who do xmas but not Santa very weird.

What do you base that on? Santa isn’t a Christian thing…

Runssometimes · 15/10/2025 07:08

We did this. Still did stockings and presents (why wouldn’t we) but DS knew they weren’t from Santa. We initially never told him there was a Santa but people would talk about it and curiously he never asked us. Then when he was maybe 4 we spoke to him and told him Santa was make believe but some children really thought it was true so not to tell them. He never did. Hilariously he’d do a comedy wink at me when adults asked him about Santa.

i find the whole Santa thing weird to be honest. I don’t think it’s magical and very much see it as lying to your child, when they should trust everything you say. Plus how do you reconcile that some kids have Santa and some for whatever reason don’t. I also hate the whole naughty kids don’t get presents thing as there’s a multitude of reasons why they don’t (poverty, different faiths)

I think Christmas can be special and fun without it. We still do advent calendar even though we’re not religious and do all the other trappings of Christmas - stockings, presents appearing overnight etc. But he just knows those presents are from us. he’s 13 now and says he doesn’t feel like he missed out.

Magik01 · 15/10/2025 07:09

In our family, we do that stockings are off Santa with them being little gifts like chocolate, toy cars, that type of thing. All the other things are from us which Santa has delivered. By doing that they still have the magic of Santa, but also the gratitude that presents don’t just appear Christmas morning and a man in a red suit!

Original poster
Lynsey953 · 15/10/2025 07:10

I am not a monster so no I would never tell a child anything there parents weren't comfortable with 🙈.
The world has changed a lot since I was small but more so in terms of internet access - do children Google this question? I don't know 🤷‍♀️.
As I plan to not answer either way, I imagine they will eventually believe to some extent 🤷‍♀️.
But if I was a Jehovahs witness I wouldn't celebrate Santa and that would be my religious freedom to do so I suppose to me it's the same thing 🤷‍♀️.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lynsey953 · 15/10/2025 07:10

Magik01 · 15/10/2025 07:09

In our family, we do that stockings are off Santa with them being little gifts like chocolate, toy cars, that type of thing. All the other things are from us which Santa has delivered. By doing that they still have the magic of Santa, but also the gratitude that presents don’t just appear Christmas morning and a man in a red suit!

This sounds lovely 🙂

OP posts:
GaspingGekko · 15/10/2025 07:10

We did the same - I'm not overly bothered about santa and DH's family don't celebrate Christmas.
You absolutely can make Christmas magical without santa, I find the obsession I see on here a bit surprising if I'm honest.

However, DC1 started to pick up santa from school. We did a play along to an extent, but didn't try hard to keep them believing once they started to question it (at age 6). Didn't say outright he's not real, but just allowed him to think about it.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/10/2025 07:11

Lynsey953 · 15/10/2025 07:10

I am not a monster so no I would never tell a child anything there parents weren't comfortable with 🙈.
The world has changed a lot since I was small but more so in terms of internet access - do children Google this question? I don't know 🤷‍♀️.
As I plan to not answer either way, I imagine they will eventually believe to some extent 🤷‍♀️.
But if I was a Jehovahs witness I wouldn't celebrate Santa and that would be my religious freedom to do so I suppose to me it's the same thing 🤷‍♀️.

How can you just ignore their questions? That’s not healthy regardless of what they ask about.

Original poster
Lynsey953 · 15/10/2025 07:12

Runssometimes · 15/10/2025 07:08

We did this. Still did stockings and presents (why wouldn’t we) but DS knew they weren’t from Santa. We initially never told him there was a Santa but people would talk about it and curiously he never asked us. Then when he was maybe 4 we spoke to him and told him Santa was make believe but some children really thought it was true so not to tell them. He never did. Hilariously he’d do a comedy wink at me when adults asked him about Santa.

i find the whole Santa thing weird to be honest. I don’t think it’s magical and very much see it as lying to your child, when they should trust everything you say. Plus how do you reconcile that some kids have Santa and some for whatever reason don’t. I also hate the whole naughty kids don’t get presents thing as there’s a multitude of reasons why they don’t (poverty, different faiths)

I think Christmas can be special and fun without it. We still do advent calendar even though we’re not religious and do all the other trappings of Christmas - stockings, presents appearing overnight etc. But he just knows those presents are from us. he’s 13 now and says he doesn’t feel like he missed out.

This sounds lovely. Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds like you handled this really well - and love that your son grew up with such a lovely respect for other children 🙂❤️

OP posts:
Greenwave · 15/10/2025 07:12

We had Santa but kept it minimal. The children got a stocking form Santa with little gifts like chocolate and socks. The main presents were from us. I don’t want Santa getting all the credit!

Kids do enjoy believing in Santa and the visits at Xmas time can be really fun. You don’t have to be so strict with it , you can still have a little bit of Santa fun without him being the main thing about Xmas.

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 15/10/2025 07:12

When did Father Christmas start being called Santa?

We never made a big deal of FC either. Not to the point of not having him visit but it was very low key, daughter knew by 3 (old soul) son maybe made it to 5. If they asked I answered truthfully in the spirt they asked.

Christmas was still special, we still did stockings (still do as adults).

Not my job to get my kids to lie to maintain a fantasy of other kid’s parents!

Ifailed · 15/10/2025 07:12

The only people who believe in santa are small children who've been lied to by their parents.