To find it exhausting being continuously grateful

[Bunny44]

Sorry this is long but I'm trying to give a full picture. I've always been a very independent person and have rarely asked for anything from my parents since leaving home at 18. I've generally had a drama free life. Got good jobs and financially on top of everything. My parents have always been the sort to try and help their kids and they offer a lot to my younger siblings, especially my younger brother who they help a lot and put themselves out there a lot for him, even though he doesn't make a lot of effort with them. They complain my 2 siblings live far away, especially my middle brother who has children and my mum gets jealous of the other grandma who looks after his kids a lot.

However, in my mid 30s 2 years ago I lost my job and my partner left me while I was pregnant, which left me in a vulnerable situation as I had a mortgaged house and lived a long way from my family. My mum invited me to move in with them (their idea) which was a lifeline and I was very grateful for. They were both really supportive with the birth and ever since and they forged a very close relationship with my child. As a baby, I did the bulk but they were always on hand if I needed a shower or someone to watch him when I interviewed for a new job or went to the gym classes twice a week (my mum encouraged me to get back to exercising). Because he was breastfed, I didn't do any overnights without him till I went back to work and rarely did anything socially without him.

I got a new job after a year and went back full time (my industry doesn't do part time). My son has been at nursery 4 days a week and 1 with my mum (her suggestion). Between the 3 of us we do pick ups and drop offs although my mum tends to do pick up as it's in my working hours and then I take over after he's had dinner and do bath, bed and any wake ups at night. I sometimes have to travel for work. It's quite common in my line of work, but I purposefully chose a new job where I work from home and travel less but there is some travel. I also go to the gym for an hour twice a week. After that, I just don't feel like I can ask for much more as that seems like a lot of help, so I rarely see my friends or do anything socially that isn't work. When I do I feel bad for asking and also for being away from my son. I don't mind but I sometimes feel a bit lonely as I don't get out much. I'll add I also contribute financially and I pay for nearly everything for my son and anything they've bought for him, they do the equvilant for the other grandchildren. Also they give my brother a lot of money towards his childcare since they feel they're doing a lot for me, even though they get help from the other grandparents.

Now my gripe is how much my mum complains to me and tells me I should be grateful and implies I should move out sometimes, but when I say I'm looking to move out she backtracks and says there's no rush and I don't have to. She's always saying how tired she is complaining how much she has to do. She doesn't work and my son is at nursery 4 days a week. But on those 4 days she does loads of exercise classes and is out and about all day, which she is totally free to do and I'm not saying she shouldn't, but it's also how much she expects from herself and the rest of us in the rest of the time; Every meal is complicated and from scratch and takes a long time. On the days she's not around I throw together really simple, quick meals and she complains to me about this, saying I should try harder and she managed it when we were kids on her own. If I try to cook when she's there, she never wants to eat what I'm making and complains I'm in the way/making a mess, so generally I stick to clearing/washing up after my child is asleep. She complains our rooms are a mess, but if I ask her to watch my son while I sort them out, she will complain about that too saying she's busy. When I travel for work the first thing I have to do when I get back is say thank you and how grateful I am, otherwise I get an earful for being rude. For example, one time my son was crying when I got home so I immediately took him upstairs to get him out of my parents hair, then my mum followed me and told me off for not saying thank you.

She's not like this with my brothers at all and will drop anything for them. To give an example I had a rare social thing in the calendar scheduled for after my son was asleep, I was dressed and ready to go, but then my brother was visiting and suddenly told us he needed a lift from the station. I got told I coudln't go out afterall since he needed a lift. I then had to listen to my brother talking about how he'd been out every day for the last month when he arrived at the house, which I found really upsetting.

A while ago I broke down to my parents and said I felt like me and my son are an inconvinience to them and said I felt very lonely and I couldn't go out much and my mum said she didn't intend to make it seem like it was an inconvinience and she's very happy to look after my son and then she didn't complain as much for a while, but recently it's started again.

I feel like they absolutely love my son, but I feel like they don't really want us in the house, but they do want us to live very close by.

I've been planning options to move out and where I don't have to rely on them as much as, as much as I really am grateful, I'm exhausted by it and having to feel like someone is doing me a favour all the time. This would involve moving further away as they live in a very expensive area and I'd need to free up income to pay for childcare. I tentatively mentioned this to my dad and then they cornered me and asked me why I felt like I needed to move out and said I can stay as long as I like.

I'm just very tired and feel isolated even with their support sometimes. I know being a mum of a young child is always very tiring, single or not, especially trying to balance work as well. But I feel like the treading on eggshells is adding to my exhaustion and mental workload.

AIBU to be fed up of telling my mum I'm grateful?

Are your parents sharing the burden of looking after you and your dd? Or is it mostly your Mum? Does your mum do most of the cooking and cleaning?

I can see this from your Mums point of view really. She knows it’s best for you and your kid to be living with them but would prefer it if that wasn’t the case. She is doing a huge amount for you and you should be very grateful, as you are! I can see why she fusses over your brothers kids. She is doing so much for you that she must want to make it clear to her sons (and her DiLs) that she wants to support all of you. Look at how posters talk about their MILs on Mumsnet. It’s not suprising you Mum wants to go out her way to help your sons.
The most important thing in all of this is your child and it’s in their interest to stay living with your parents. They have got three loving adults in his life and they have a nice relaxing life. So you can either try and change your Mums personality or you can decide to accept it! Honestly, I’d go with the accepting. She definitely means well but she almost certainly has mixed feelings about it all. Throw in the fact she is a bit of a snippy person then the result is what you are experiencing and what you are feeling. You feel trapped in the situation but I bet she does too.

Are there any other things that you can do to lesson her load. Perhaps pay for a babysitter to take your kid to nursery or pay for a cleaner if you aren’t already.

OP, these comments from your mum would really not sit well with me, particularly around breastfeeding and your child’s sleep. You’re the parent, not her! You also mentioned your mum is “scared you’ll get fat” or something along those lines. Ugh. This sounds like a difficult living situation in many ways, sadly.

No specific advice, but I can see many PPs being pretty harsh to you! All I can say is your mum would have a field day with me, I breastfeed and bedshare with my 1yo, and have zero intention of sleep training 😂 I sleep really well so all good there. I’m lucky in that my mum is very supportive of these choices.

My mum lives very near us and is happy to entertain baby so I can do some quick chores, or we do them together with baby - don’t know why a PP wanted to make that sound unreasonable 😂

(edited for typo)

Emotions can run high in intergenerational homes.
Your mum does a huge amount for you so it does seem unreasonable that you should feel aggrieved when she sometimes "drops" you to do something for your brother, since she is doing things for you all the time. I think you should let that gripe go. If you grumble at her about this then I am not the least bit surprised she might have commented that you should be grateful for all she does!
I think it is reasonable that your mum might have a view on the things you do in the home ... it is her home and your decisions impinge on her day to day. If you lived apart then you could make all the decisions you wanted, but living in her house everything you do becomes part of her life.
You find her snippy and irritating and your Dad laid back, but I'm willing to bet she is the one who does more round the house ... she cannot become a scapegoat in her own home.
Your feelings towards her are entirely normal for a grown adult, but what is not normal is that you are having these feelings in what is her house.

For people that nit-pick you and decide that whatever you do is wrong, the best thing you can do is to do what works best for you as whatever you choose is up for criticism anyway.

You're in a position where you have choices, and it sounds like the best thing to do is to return to independence in a location that works for you.

I'm getting a vibe of DM having a lot of internalised misogeny and inconsistent standards between her male and female children (I have one of this model and it has dented our relationship- ultimately mine and my DCs' needs come before satisfying her arbitary expectations)

I get what you're saying, but saying whether I know other women in your situation is broadly irrelevant.
You're the one who came on here complaining about your situation, and virtually everyone has said, in one way or another, that the best and probably only solution is to move out.
I ask in complete curiosity, what other answers were you expecting? If you don't like your current living situation, then leaving is most obvious answer. Especially for a woman with a child, who is pushing 40, who says she has plenty of money.

I think you should move out if possible.

never had to live with my parents and they have been pretty handy over the years helping out on an adhoc basis with the children (now older) but every time it felt as if they were making me feel like an inconvenience despite them offering the help. It was always how exhausted they were after having the children for a couple of hours, or how much they needed a rest after taking one of them to an activity etc. My children are genuinely easygoing and I never asked too much (eg they all went to nursery when I worked) but my god you’d think they’d looked after devil children for a fortnight after every trip to the cinema that they had offered in the first place!

You seem to be determinedly insisting that all is well, and that everything you are doing is fair/at your parents’ insistence/instigation.

But all is not fine. Your parents are waving huge ‘we’re unhappy’ flags, and you are clearly feeling the pressure of eternal gratitude. Everyone is miserable, but paralysed by their part in the situation.

Time to grow a pair, move out, and get yourself sorted with a new routine that everyone is happy with and is non-gratitude sapping.

Moving out doesn’t mean losing your parents’ support, physical or financial. You will just need to be more deliberate, purposeful and organised about when you need them and to what end.

Stop whining and being a victim in the situation. Grow up, get a grip of your life (you’ve done it before - you’ve just lost confidence, so you need to grab that back by proving to yourself you are not some feeble single mum who can’t cope), and create an amazing future for you and your kids! They are learning everyday from you, and you are not a good role model right now. That should be motivation enough, surely?

typo

Honestly I really would be looking at moving out.
Your mother may be helping you but christ at what a price.
Her comments are awful, manipulative, controlling and belittling.
I don't blame you wanting to get away from her.

Some mothers are like that though, conditioned to put themselves out endlessly for their sons, but their daughters should just get on with it.

My friend was in that very situation and it made the decision to move the family away for her husbands job much easier.

Her mother had a complete tantrum when she heard, but the truth was she was all about her son and his children.

My friend never regretted it and when it came to caring duties 20 years on, as a nurse, she wouldn't be guilted by her parents or brother.
He had 20 years of free childcare on tap to repay while she juggled it all including shift work.

I’m not sure what you want from this thread OP. You feel hard done by but don’t or can’t do anything about it. Even if your Mum is a difficult person she is still doing a lot for you. If she was being really honest what do you think she would write if she was posting on Mumsnet?

You are ‘blaming’ your Mum for the fact you go to the gym twice a week. Do you realise how silly that sounds. If you want to go then go but don’t make out as though you had no choice in the matter.

Honestly op. In a nutshell if you want the help she gives you , ( and it sounds like you do) then you're going to have to take the strings that come with it. It's as simple as that. You need to make your peace. with that. She is going to be a bit resentful. She is going to bitch about you to your brothers and probably others but that's the price you pay for their support I'm afraid. Calling her out on it will only sour things between you more.