To find it exhausting being continuously grateful

[Bunny44]

Sorry this is long but I'm trying to give a full picture. I've always been a very independent person and have rarely asked for anything from my parents since leaving home at 18. I've generally had a drama free life. Got good jobs and financially on top of everything. My parents have always been the sort to try and help their kids and they offer a lot to my younger siblings, especially my younger brother who they help a lot and put themselves out there a lot for him, even though he doesn't make a lot of effort with them. They complain my 2 siblings live far away, especially my middle brother who has children and my mum gets jealous of the other grandma who looks after his kids a lot.

However, in my mid 30s 2 years ago I lost my job and my partner left me while I was pregnant, which left me in a vulnerable situation as I had a mortgaged house and lived a long way from my family. My mum invited me to move in with them (their idea) which was a lifeline and I was very grateful for. They were both really supportive with the birth and ever since and they forged a very close relationship with my child. As a baby, I did the bulk but they were always on hand if I needed a shower or someone to watch him when I interviewed for a new job or went to the gym classes twice a week (my mum encouraged me to get back to exercising). Because he was breastfed, I didn't do any overnights without him till I went back to work and rarely did anything socially without him.

I got a new job after a year and went back full time (my industry doesn't do part time). My son has been at nursery 4 days a week and 1 with my mum (her suggestion). Between the 3 of us we do pick ups and drop offs although my mum tends to do pick up as it's in my working hours and then I take over after he's had dinner and do bath, bed and any wake ups at night. I sometimes have to travel for work. It's quite common in my line of work, but I purposefully chose a new job where I work from home and travel less but there is some travel. I also go to the gym for an hour twice a week. After that, I just don't feel like I can ask for much more as that seems like a lot of help, so I rarely see my friends or do anything socially that isn't work. When I do I feel bad for asking and also for being away from my son. I don't mind but I sometimes feel a bit lonely as I don't get out much. I'll add I also contribute financially and I pay for nearly everything for my son and anything they've bought for him, they do the equvilant for the other grandchildren. Also they give my brother a lot of money towards his childcare since they feel they're doing a lot for me, even though they get help from the other grandparents.

Now my gripe is how much my mum complains to me and tells me I should be grateful and implies I should move out sometimes, but when I say I'm looking to move out she backtracks and says there's no rush and I don't have to. She's always saying how tired she is complaining how much she has to do. She doesn't work and my son is at nursery 4 days a week. But on those 4 days she does loads of exercise classes and is out and about all day, which she is totally free to do and I'm not saying she shouldn't, but it's also how much she expects from herself and the rest of us in the rest of the time; Every meal is complicated and from scratch and takes a long time. On the days she's not around I throw together really simple, quick meals and she complains to me about this, saying I should try harder and she managed it when we were kids on her own. If I try to cook when she's there, she never wants to eat what I'm making and complains I'm in the way/making a mess, so generally I stick to clearing/washing up after my child is asleep. She complains our rooms are a mess, but if I ask her to watch my son while I sort them out, she will complain about that too saying she's busy. When I travel for work the first thing I have to do when I get back is say thank you and how grateful I am, otherwise I get an earful for being rude. For example, one time my son was crying when I got home so I immediately took him upstairs to get him out of my parents hair, then my mum followed me and told me off for not saying thank you.

She's not like this with my brothers at all and will drop anything for them. To give an example I had a rare social thing in the calendar scheduled for after my son was asleep, I was dressed and ready to go, but then my brother was visiting and suddenly told us he needed a lift from the station. I got told I coudln't go out afterall since he needed a lift. I then had to listen to my brother talking about how he'd been out every day for the last month when he arrived at the house, which I found really upsetting.

A while ago I broke down to my parents and said I felt like me and my son are an inconvinience to them and said I felt very lonely and I couldn't go out much and my mum said she didn't intend to make it seem like it was an inconvinience and she's very happy to look after my son and then she didn't complain as much for a while, but recently it's started again.

I feel like they absolutely love my son, but I feel like they don't really want us in the house, but they do want us to live very close by.

I've been planning options to move out and where I don't have to rely on them as much as, as much as I really am grateful, I'm exhausted by it and having to feel like someone is doing me a favour all the time. This would involve moving further away as they live in a very expensive area and I'd need to free up income to pay for childcare. I tentatively mentioned this to my dad and then they cornered me and asked me why I felt like I needed to move out and said I can stay as long as I like.

I'm just very tired and feel isolated even with their support sometimes. I know being a mum of a young child is always very tiring, single or not, especially trying to balance work as well. But I feel like the treading on eggshells is adding to my exhaustion and mental workload.

AIBU to be fed up of telling my mum I'm grateful?

I worked full time. Very little family help. I had some but not loads. And never what l really needed.

You make it sound like I've always relied on my parents when I lived without them for half my life... They also go away not infrequently for a week or so at a time so I have been on my own and it was very hard. That's why I'm so conflicted about my options. Not really sure what your point is.

Well done for continuing your well paid career despite difficult circumstances. I agree that you need to move out and become independent for your own sanity as much as anything. It will need to be presented as a fait accompli.

I expect your mother is finding it harder looking after your DC now she is older than she was when looking after DB’s children. As well as the inbuilt misogyny and different expectations for sons and daughters. You are never going to be able to do things to her perfect standard. Even if you get close, the goalposts will change. She does sound like she enjoys being a martyr. Cognitive Analytical Therapy for you would be helpful in understanding and changing the relationship dynamics, if you can make the time to have it. It has helped me change my relationship with my mother.

Could you up nursery to 4.5-5 days in the interim while you plan moving out? Could you afford a nanny when you work away? Could you pay for a cleaner or someone to do your ironing to make those tasks easier? It’s really tough when your child’s father disappears back overseas, leaving you with no respite and no child maintenance.

You can do this! Good luck! 💐

What do you want? You won’t move out because it would be too hard. Your parents love you but they are tired and probably want a break from rearing kids. You can’t change your parents, they aren’t getting any younger and they can’t ask you to move out because you may go too far. You must know you are being a burden, so if you won’t kovf out stop expecting more, it really isn’t on. Your poor parents.

OP, I've read all your posts and I cannot adequately express how much I can relate. My situation was a little different in that we didn't live under the same roof, but my DM provided childcare for our preschool DC and I'm afraid it marred our relationship for nearly a decade after.

I became deeply resentful of how one-sided the situation appeared from the outside, for having to be endlessly grateful (including for going to work, snap) in the face of her tight-lipped, stubborn martyrdom. As time passed I felt more and more trapped by the bond between my DM and my DC. I wished we'd made a different choice and would have happily paid nursery fees twice over but my DM became distressed if this was every suggested.

In the end a forced relocation ended the situation, but not before a lot of damage had been done and of course it was incredibly hard for my poor DM (I'm not a monster).

My advice would be to move out as soon as you possibly can. It will be hard, but this situation will get worse. Your resentment will increase and your parents will get older far faster than your young child will grow up enough to reduce the practical demands of caring for him.

Good luck. And ignore the posters who are implying you are selfish and entitled. I've walked in your shoes and from your posts I am certain you are neither.

Honestly OP, yours is a thread anyone thinking about having a baby alone should read.
Sadly so many young women have no idea how hard, lonely and exhausting it is, and you have great support.

Your parents are great, especially your mum, but is undoing it all by constantly badgering you.

Asap I think you need to schedule a sit down and be 100% honest about how grateful you are but how awful you feel.

I think do the prep work to move out and tell them you are looking into it.
Look at a Move to where suits you, not them, even if it is abroad.
Then hear what they have to say.
They cant say they want you to stay and then be so unkind about it.

Cancelling your night out for a lift for your brother was plain nasty, no excuse for that whatsoever.

You need to think about what you really want.
You get to the gym living at home, think about how living alone will work before you sit down but one way or another you need to sit down and be honest.
Good luck.

I think if you’re doing it on your own you get an au pair as you suggested or some afternoon help once a week till 8pm. In your shoes I’d cook something I want once a week and say to your mum but I like this and I want to cook it, is that really so awful?? Can’t I cook what I feel like one day a week? Get snappier about the complaints. Really mum, this again??

It’s not unfair at all. I don’t know any single parent who has as much help and support as you do - you live with your parents, they do childcare and school runs and look after your toddler so you can go to the gym twice a week.

Whether they wanted to help or not is irrelevant as well - they’re your parents, of course they’re going to offer to help but as a grown up it’s your responsibility to turn round and say “don’t be silly, you’ve done your share of parenting” and sort it out for yourself.

You need to grow up, move out and be a parent on your own.

To me it sounds like you have to move.
You said you had the option to move somewhere with a live in nanny, for work?
Obviously it would be far but if you could save enough to get a space big enough for a nanny or au pair when you're back it might be worth it and a huge adventure. I'd be considering it. Very seriously. Because like pp, I don't think this situation will get better soon enough.
Also, making you feel guilty about moving far away is just not on.

I’m getting super triggered by your post OP - I can relate hugely. Different situation but I moved into my folks at 47 due to some serious trauma. In many ways they were lovely / in many they were not. V quickly it fell into a parent/child dynamic and I was spoken down to, they made intrusive comments about my life and decisions, and wanted lots of praise and appreciation for doing everything for me - when I was utterly desperate to do it myself. I couldn’t even make a sandwich!

anyway where I think it relates to your situation is I took stock and could see our relationship wasn’t going to survive if I didn’t leave. I lasted 7 mths! I could tell I was about to explode and may say something we’d never come back from and I was really beginning to loathe them. I wasn’t ready financially or emotionally due to certain issues but I absolutely had to go. I did it, but the dynamic had changed - even in just 7 mths - and the boundary crossing continued for some time until I firmly put my foot down. 2 years now and it’s better but it’s still there. I see it as such a lack of respect for me, disguised as concern, yet my brothers are treated completely differently. I don’t think our relationship will ever completely recover from that and I now believe people should never live with their parents as adults unless they have absolutely no other choice.

I can hear it in you where you say ‘mum thinks this’ ‘mum thinks that’ - IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT THEY THINK. You are a grown up and a mother and you do you.

if I was you I would make plans move out and barely discuss it with your parents. Give minimal details just ‘this is what we are doing now’. Don’t react to any tears or fury. Just calm and matter of fact. ‘Thanks for your help but this is what we are doing now’. Then do it!

never rely on them again.

Half of your life but not half of your child’s life.

I think my point is why does it matter if you are getting these mixed messages about moving out? You don’t want to feel like this anymore, grateful to them, and the solution to that is moving out. I think while you are living there and they are doing all of these things, you are going to feel this way.

I think they are possibly ready for you to move on but feel guilt and that’s why they are complaining about the things that they do for you.

İf you're financially well off why don't you just drop your child with a babysitter on the nights you want to socialise so that you're not getting it in your ear from your parents?

I had the same lack of respect from my dd when she moved back in after graduating. I was too keen to make her feel welcomed. She criticised and laughed at everything I did. I sat her down and was quite blunt about how she made me feel and told her if it didn’t stop the only option was for her to move out because I was done putting up with shit in my own house. Happily she did turn it around and very quickly. I don’t think it’s ideal having your adult kids live with you but the boomerang generation never seem to move out.

Several times you have said how hard it is to go it alone and you have made the choice not to do so.
You can't have everything.
You don't like the hard things of going it alone and you don't like the hard things (as you see it) of being in the family home.
You must simply take a decision and suck it up when it comes to the hard things. This is all part of life and its imperfections.

But what you cannot do is resent your Mum for her imperfections. You resent her having an opinion about what you should do but feel free to resent her choices about how she relates to her wider family.

If you choose to go it alone .... which I probanly think you should .... this needs to be done gently and without rancour and with strenuous efforts to maintain relationships for the sake of your son.

If you choose to stay you must do so on your parents' terms ... it is THEIR home.

This is a teenager at home scenario only further down the line.

Just to add that I am grandmother age and had a similar scenario for a time to help my DD, her OH and their baby over a very difficult period in their life.
What I can say is that at no point did I feel I had to encourage my DD to be grateful because they quite simply were, and said so. They would not have dreamt of doing otherwise.

Haven’t read all the posts but just wondering what YOU want. Not what your parents say you should want. But what will work best for you.

Support is great but I bet you’ll feel a weight lifted when you’re in your own space with your own rules and can make your own life. It will soon start getting much easier as your son gets older and more independent. Don’t let them guilt you into staying if it is becoming so oppressive.

It would give you the space to make arrangements that work for you all / then when they see your son it can be something less intense and they can enjoy him rather than feeling obligated (even if they are the ones offering).

I think your home set up sounds quite difficult tbh. I couldn’t cope with living with parents like that. 3 generations under one roof is not good.

Everyone needs their own space. Your mum is obviously struggling a bit even though she denies it. Adults need their own homes.

Realistically you need to move out. That's the only way to resolve the situation. Ideally it would be somewhere nearby so that you can still lean on them for infrequent work travel and they can maintain a close relationship with your child.

You could buy nearby somewhere that won't have all the bells and whistles you can afford further away, and trade up when funds allow. Buyers market at the moment with whatever Rachel Reeves has planned so it's a good time to buy but also sensible to keep it lean until you see what she's going to do to capital gains etc.

Or you can suck it up while accumulating enough cash so that you can buy nearby in time for your child to start school and maintain all of the pro's. That gives you 2.5 years to be in catchment.

To address the point about moving out, I want to move out but my parents give me mixed messages there too.

They’re not giving you mixed messages.

They are telling you they want you to move because they are exhausted and want their space back but they’re not kicking you out on the street.

They have to backtrack because by your own admission you cry and ask if you’re an inconvenience or threaten to move away, even to a different country.

You need to move out.
Surely you can find somewhere within an hours drive that you can afford and therefore still have regular contact and help with your parents.

Theres a big difference between babysitting and having a child live with you 24/7.

When you couldn’t go out, why didn’t you get a taxi like you would have to if you lived alone? This is what people do. They live their lives using taxis and babysitters etc. I only say this because you say money isn’t a problem.

I do feel you are wanting to live your life as if it’s your house and you’re independent whilst your Mum’s at a stage in her life where it is her house and she is independent and should be able to do and cook whatever she likes, how she likes.

This is a choose your hard situation and then suck up the bits you don’t like.

Also I know you’re struggling with the situation but you shouldn’t need your parents took after your son so you can keep your rooms tidy. That’s a crazy stretch. Most people have to tidy with a child into dying as they go. If you can’t manage that then spend 5 minutes every night tidying and 30 minutes once a week cleaning once he’s gone to sleep,

Some of your complaints do sound quite teenagerish.

@Noiamnotalison it wasn't the taxi that was the issue. She couldn't go out because her parents were giving her brother a lift so there was no one to look after her son (I think).

I think there is a difference to being in your parents house alone for a few weeks, and living in your own home.

When they come back from holiday the onus will probably have been on you to keep everything "as it was", so they don't walk into to a house that needs cleaning, or your washing taking over the washing machine/tumble drier. You will always be putting their needs first - it is their house after all.

But when you live on your own, you will develop your own routines that will work for you, but may be totally different to what happens now. You may end up with different meal times, different routines around clearing up. I am more of a morning person and will often leaving clearing up until the morning, and I can whizz through it more efficiently at 6 a.m. than 9 p.m. But I can totally understand that is fine in MY home, but not if I was living in someone else's home.

Living on your own will be harder in many respects, but also a lot simpler in other respects.

@Bunny44 it sounds like this period of your life living with folks has run its course.

stop discussing your future plans with parents.
make the plans. Enact the plans. Tell parents when the ball is in motion.

if you can afford a nanny or something you can also afford a cleaner to help make life simpler? ;)

if you moved abroad your parents could have extended holidays there and regular video calls.

if you moved out of the area your folks can still visit.

you need some freedom and emotional distance as it sounds like you are in limbo and being stilted. You need your space where you can meet friends and be an independent adult again.

All of this ⬆️

Your parents were kind enough to help you out when you were in a tough spot but now it’s time to stand on your own two feet.

I would be so embarrassed to need my parents help so I could tidy my room or go to the gym. You’re a grown adult and a parent - time to stop acting like a teenager and grow up.