To find it exhausting being continuously grateful

[Bunny44]

Sorry this is long but I'm trying to give a full picture. I've always been a very independent person and have rarely asked for anything from my parents since leaving home at 18. I've generally had a drama free life. Got good jobs and financially on top of everything. My parents have always been the sort to try and help their kids and they offer a lot to my younger siblings, especially my younger brother who they help a lot and put themselves out there a lot for him, even though he doesn't make a lot of effort with them. They complain my 2 siblings live far away, especially my middle brother who has children and my mum gets jealous of the other grandma who looks after his kids a lot.

However, in my mid 30s 2 years ago I lost my job and my partner left me while I was pregnant, which left me in a vulnerable situation as I had a mortgaged house and lived a long way from my family. My mum invited me to move in with them (their idea) which was a lifeline and I was very grateful for. They were both really supportive with the birth and ever since and they forged a very close relationship with my child. As a baby, I did the bulk but they were always on hand if I needed a shower or someone to watch him when I interviewed for a new job or went to the gym classes twice a week (my mum encouraged me to get back to exercising). Because he was breastfed, I didn't do any overnights without him till I went back to work and rarely did anything socially without him.

I got a new job after a year and went back full time (my industry doesn't do part time). My son has been at nursery 4 days a week and 1 with my mum (her suggestion). Between the 3 of us we do pick ups and drop offs although my mum tends to do pick up as it's in my working hours and then I take over after he's had dinner and do bath, bed and any wake ups at night. I sometimes have to travel for work. It's quite common in my line of work, but I purposefully chose a new job where I work from home and travel less but there is some travel. I also go to the gym for an hour twice a week. After that, I just don't feel like I can ask for much more as that seems like a lot of help, so I rarely see my friends or do anything socially that isn't work. When I do I feel bad for asking and also for being away from my son. I don't mind but I sometimes feel a bit lonely as I don't get out much. I'll add I also contribute financially and I pay for nearly everything for my son and anything they've bought for him, they do the equvilant for the other grandchildren. Also they give my brother a lot of money towards his childcare since they feel they're doing a lot for me, even though they get help from the other grandparents.

Now my gripe is how much my mum complains to me and tells me I should be grateful and implies I should move out sometimes, but when I say I'm looking to move out she backtracks and says there's no rush and I don't have to. She's always saying how tired she is complaining how much she has to do. She doesn't work and my son is at nursery 4 days a week. But on those 4 days she does loads of exercise classes and is out and about all day, which she is totally free to do and I'm not saying she shouldn't, but it's also how much she expects from herself and the rest of us in the rest of the time; Every meal is complicated and from scratch and takes a long time. On the days she's not around I throw together really simple, quick meals and she complains to me about this, saying I should try harder and she managed it when we were kids on her own. If I try to cook when she's there, she never wants to eat what I'm making and complains I'm in the way/making a mess, so generally I stick to clearing/washing up after my child is asleep. She complains our rooms are a mess, but if I ask her to watch my son while I sort them out, she will complain about that too saying she's busy. When I travel for work the first thing I have to do when I get back is say thank you and how grateful I am, otherwise I get an earful for being rude. For example, one time my son was crying when I got home so I immediately took him upstairs to get him out of my parents hair, then my mum followed me and told me off for not saying thank you.

She's not like this with my brothers at all and will drop anything for them. To give an example I had a rare social thing in the calendar scheduled for after my son was asleep, I was dressed and ready to go, but then my brother was visiting and suddenly told us he needed a lift from the station. I got told I coudln't go out afterall since he needed a lift. I then had to listen to my brother talking about how he'd been out every day for the last month when he arrived at the house, which I found really upsetting.

A while ago I broke down to my parents and said I felt like me and my son are an inconvinience to them and said I felt very lonely and I couldn't go out much and my mum said she didn't intend to make it seem like it was an inconvinience and she's very happy to look after my son and then she didn't complain as much for a while, but recently it's started again.

I feel like they absolutely love my son, but I feel like they don't really want us in the house, but they do want us to live very close by.

I've been planning options to move out and where I don't have to rely on them as much as, as much as I really am grateful, I'm exhausted by it and having to feel like someone is doing me a favour all the time. This would involve moving further away as they live in a very expensive area and I'd need to free up income to pay for childcare. I tentatively mentioned this to my dad and then they cornered me and asked me why I felt like I needed to move out and said I can stay as long as I like.

I'm just very tired and feel isolated even with their support sometimes. I know being a mum of a young child is always very tiring, single or not, especially trying to balance work as well. But I feel like the treading on eggshells is adding to my exhaustion and mental workload.

AIBU to be fed up of telling my mum I'm grateful?

They want you to move out.

They did you a massive favour in the early days, but that time has passed now. You're pushing 40 and still "at home". Your parents wouldn't have expected to still be major caregivers for a toddler when their other children are well into their 30s. Expecting your parents to facilitate your twice weekly gym outings, and watching the child while you "tidy a room" are unreasonable requests.

Yes, it'll be hard to move out, and sacrifices as a single parent are required. Including finding a job in a sector more conducive to parenting.

You’ve got into the same rut I did with mine where I started feeling like I had to run things by them, check what they thought. Even when I left it was still happening. It’s remarkable how quickly a dynamic can set in. So when you leave - and you really should in my view - make sure there is little discussion. Start as you mean to go on. Tell them limited information. And just go, and when they visit be very boundaried. Habits will have formed that you need to break. For your self esteem and the sake of your relationship. Decide what YOU want for you and your son, don’t rely on anyone (I do know that’s hard) irrelevant of them and their wishes. Thank them for what they’ve done for you and move on.

you will have struggles (I did) but honestly having my own space and independence was worth its wait in gold. I was having serious mental health problems and the infantilising at mums was making me sooo much worse. I was saving myself as well as my relationship with them. Sounds dramatic but it was true

I know exactly what you mean. My mum helped me out a lot with childcare when my son was young, I was a single parent and worked night shifts so he stayed there a lot. I was so grateful and she absolutely loved having him. But 12 years on I cant disagree with her on anything otherwise its 'your do ungrateful after everything ive done for you' bla bla bla. Even if its completely unrelated. Its exhausting. Shes the same with anything, to the point where I wouldn't even let her pay for anything for me when we go out now because I know it will be used in future.
I think your only option is to move out when you can and create some distance. I sympathise.

This.
I'm quoting it because I don't want you to miss it, OP.
Your DM is struggling with having another adult in her space (in her kitchen, cooking "the wrong" food, mess that's not under her control).
And you have lost your own space altogether, and you are losing the battle to save your autonomy.
You are deferring to your DM more and more, because you are on her territory, you really need to move out.
Yes it will be a huge wrench for all of you, but the sooner you rip that plaster off, the sooner you can re-establish your own little household.
And your ds needs to adjust to the new normal. The longer you stay at your parents, the harder it will be on him when you finally move. Better to do it while he's still so young and everything is new.

Your Mum will always be your Mum, but from her perspective you wear the daughter hat, and she has other sons too, who she wants to be involved with.

It becomes a little bit more intricate when you have got the 'Mum status' too. Most people love the baby stage, but as grandparents get older, it becomes more evident that the toddler stage is quite a contrast, quickly changing, and that it's much more full on for them than they expected. It does get more demanding, for you, to balance work at that point, and then things change again through primary school (I recall looking back at the nursery years with incredulity, which were open until later in the afternoon to fit with work, and arranged summer holidays of about 2 weeks, not 6, and not realising how good I had had it).

I wouldn't try to move out 'reactively' at the moment, but I would make as much effort as you can to connect and make friends with other parents with children of your age and a bit older (primary school). Learn, learn, learn from what they found out, such as choices of a school based around some wrap-around care, or childminders who might be prepared to pick up from school and sort out a couple of hours' care (again - no provision that served the primary school I chose at all, although with hindsight this would have been a key reason for which one to go for, and more experienced parents did that). This might also show you good places you could live while that will be your & your DS's situation, and this could be a great help regarding work and a bit of time for you, even though it isn't immediate.

Honestly this whole thread is bonkers!

You are a grown adult - indeed a parent - and you choose to live with your parents in THEIR home because it makes life cheaper and easier for you. And you have done this for a long time.

But now you are carping about it. Count your blessings!

If you don't like it then set up as an independent adult, pay rent/mortgage, pay council tax, pay child carers, pay babysitters, do all the housework ........ oh, and maybe visit your parents now and again and ask what YOU can do for them.

I agree with this!

OP wants parents support with her child but then doesn’t feel like she should have to keep thanking them. Then it seems horrible to be a bit like “fine, I will move out and go to another country”. Like a threat to keep them off her case

I just want to say I resonate hard with your post. My ex-DH walked out on me and our twins who were a few months old. I was in a fortunate enough position that I could buy another property when the divorce finalised however I have relied on my parents for wraparound care (around preschool hours) and as a result I feel like I constantly have to be “grateful”. This is despite me paying my Mum the equivalent of what she was earning (low pay PT job) before she stepped in. This was so I could return to work and keep a roof over mine and my children’s heads so my life is basically children-work-children-bedtime and repeat.

I feel like I am answerable to them for a lot of my choices in life and lines have certainly become blurred. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to live with them too. If you can, move out and give yourself some space and hopefully you will feel more independent x

That's because it is! An unbelievably massive favour!
Just move out, do it all yourself, problem solved.

Not had time to reply as as I mentioned I have very little free time but I feel like everyone is projecting their own experiences onto my experience with whether it's sympathising or being unhelpful.

I've said this many times already but I AM grateful and say so and demonstrate it regularly. I AM doing everything I can to make things as easy as possible for my parents. More examples: I've hired for and pay for a cleaner, I've put him in a nursery they like and is walking distance on days my mum wanted, I try and minimise my work travel, I have no hobbies (save 2 hours gym which my mum wants me to do as she's scared I'll get fat) and very little social time. I don't even watch TV. My life is pretty much work and my baby, as previously PPs have said who were in the same position. I do not resent that at all. What I do resent is this feeling that I'm constantly having to feel indebted and grateful and my mum always complaining to me about something when I'm really trying my best. FWIW I very much think I will be the one looking after my parents when they're older. I think they assume that as well. Not because I'm now living with them, but because I've always the one who's made most effort and chosen to live closer and I've always done a lot for them. However would I expect them to constantly be thanking me? No I wouldn't, I would see it as my responsibility because we are family and we are that sort of family that if someone needs help we give it.

All those people saying I should "grow up" and how dare a grown woman rely on their parents just quite frankly can stick it and your island way of thinking. My parents are enabling me to continue standing on my own 2 feet as I have done since I was 18. Same as I would do for my children. I happen to be the one who needs most right now and temporarily. But again, I didn't ask for it. They invited me and suggested it and told me to think of this as my home and everything we've done has been their suggestion.

@Mischance I do not continue to live with them because it's cheaper - it's because of logistical reasons. I cannot do my job without my child being able to at least stay overnight with another adult.

Those saying get another job. I lost my job when I was 8 months pregnant and it took my 60 interviews/8 months to find a new one so it obviously isn't that simple, not one that covers the bills anyway. At one point my parents suggested I took a job where I would be away most of the week every week but I didn't want to do that.

Also I already pay a mortgage, council tax, bills on my own home, plus nursery 4 days a week, plus a cleaner for my parents home, shopping + £500 extra per month as a general contribution to my parents. I also organise and pay for all our family holidays (this is something I did before my child and continue to do). They do a lot and I am in no way saying that contribution covers their efforts, but I'm certainly not sponging off them and not contributing.

@wearedreamingofasummerholiday it's not a threat to move abroad, to be honest it's deep down what I want to do but I don't want to upset them at the same time and I love the bond my son has with them. I used to live abroad and I'm fluent in several other languages. I know this particular country I want to go to I could get by easily financially, so I could also afford the sort of wrap around care I need without it being miserable. I am considering near them but I'd have to use all my savings and have a sizeable mortgage to live nearby and so I'd still depend on them therefore and I don't like the feeling of being so dependent.

I am not sure in what way they make you feel you should be thanking them.
If this is explicit, then I can't help feeling that maybe it has now become too much for them and a gentle loosening of ties is needed, retaining their involvement and relationship with you and their GC but giving them their home back.

@Bunny44you are using your parents, you need to move out and allow them to enjoy the early years of their retirement. Your latest port makes me think you are being incredibly selfish, they love you but allow them their freedom - move out.

Well I think you've spun this to make it sound like it isn't.

"still "at home" - I've been here 2 years. Before then I spent 15 years living in my own homes very independently with zero financial help from my parents and minimal input. I'm not some kidult that never grew up, they've been helping an expectedly difficult period in my life. I'm not one to ask for help, it was offered to me.

"Facilitate your twice weekly gym outings" - my mum was the one who insisted that I got back to the gym ASAP postpartum and insisted she'd babysit. She has a problem with any of us not keeping in shape.

Also suggesting I change jobs: There are few decently paid job offering any flexibility - I already work from home most of the time, which offers much more flexibility than most of my friends get. The only jobs that seem offer enough flexibility to work around childcare and not depend on logistical input from anyone else, you earn so little you either depend on the financial income of your husband or the state.

There are a bunch of you on here telling me to go it alone, who I can tell have not done it themselves, saying 'loads of women do it'. Probably not genuinely completely physically and financially on their own. Do you genuinely know any women in this exact position:
-Single mother
-No CMS or support from the father or universal credit of any kind
-Full time job
-No help from family

Every other woman I know either has a partner, family support of some kind or financial support. In fact some of them have all of it and coming to think of it I'm the only mother of a child this young I know who works full time let alone the rest of it.

I agree with you OP - its unusual and bloody hard doing it alone. I did it with 4 with a useless awful husband but no friend or family support or childcare, kids with special needs, and it nearly broke me. I did have him and was so so scared about going it alone because how would I cope? - when I left I had noone and no support, and surprisingly it was considerably better. Im not saying your mum is abusive, but I honestly thing you will find things easier when you call all the shots, and you don't have someone making comments and expecting praise constantly. I really do agree with you that your mum sounds infuriating. My mum is the same, and when she starts being like that I just stop asking for or accepting offers of help. Its help with strings. Just don't accept it anymore - its really not worth it.

By the way, I am not dismissing how hard it is to do things alone, but you do have more than most - your job is well paid. You could be doing it all alone and be on minimum wage. You already have a leg up there. Honestly you've said you would rather live abroad - do it. Make the life YOU want. Make yourself happy. Im 51 and I wish I had done what I wanted more in the past. Yes there will be a fallout but people get used to new normals quicker than you'd imagine.
Go live your best life. x

Clearly you are contributing hugely to your parents but still you feel you are being made to feel beholden to them.

I really think you need to look at your quality of life options, even abroad.
Your child would have the benefit of being bilingual too.
Don't get into a discussion about it, but start looking at your options.

I think taking on a huge morgage to be near your parents would be a mistake.

You lived away for 15 years and now have needed help.
I think it is really unfortunate that your parents are making you feel like such an intrusion and inconvenience in their home and life.

I think going it alone will be very hard but ultimately you may feel better.

Take your time though and plan carefully.

You have family support.
Family support doesn’t mean living with them!

I was referring to those who said I should move out and have no support - there have been a lot of suggestions like that on this thread and people saying plenty of women do it with no support.

I was pointing out that I doubt many do it without any logistical or financial help of one form or another at all.

I do not continue to live with them because it's cheaper - it's because of logistical reasons. I cannot do my job without my child being able to at least stay overnight with another adult.

So move out and ask them to do the occasional overnight when it's needed. You absolutely don't need to live there full time because of that

Honestly a useless husband is a burden and not support. My ex would have been exactly that. He saved me a lot of effort and money by taking himself out of the picture early since we'd not yet gotten married, but were planning on it.

I should also say I love my mum very much but she's generally not the easiest person. She's nitpicky with everyone, including my dad, but he's a very relaxed person. Also I have next to zero problems with my dad. I think a lot of our arguments about gratitude come about because I try and tolerate the nitpicking but sometimes snap and then come the comments saying maybe this isn't working. The comments have been about:
-Me not sleep training strictly enough leading to me being tired
-Wanting to cook my own food and commenting on what I'm cooking and how I'm cooking it
-When he was younger, breastfeeding too much leading him not to eat enough of his meal
-Not putting things away immediately after using them (I really try my hardest but sometimes there's been a nappy emergency or tantrum which has distracted my attention)

If I pushed back then I'd get the comments about how much she's doing and how I should be more grateful. I think that's unfair as she's essentially trying to control me and making me seem unreasonable if I don't parent the way she wants.

Yes I do want to move out, I just need to figure out how. Thanks for the encouragement.

Yes but then I'd still have to live near them which as I said it also problematic.

I just want to let you know that I agree with everything you have written. I think more young women see things like this and realize it is in no way fair. No way is being the partner left holding the baby, and expected to juggle childcare and work a good deal. Why should women even take the risk in the first place? We are coming to realize that we have been socialised to be suckers.

Why do you think you would have no support if you moved out? Of course you would. Your mother loves you and your son, you just wouldn’t have live-in support.

I think you will be grateful to them if you moved out and were more independent.

Move nearby for 6 months, and if it doesn’t work out then just move home. I think you need a bit of a reality check: your relationship ended but your parents have stepped into that role and that’s not fair.

So pay for overnight childcare.

It's clear the current situation isn't working but your parents are good people and aren't going to kick you out. So you need to stop taking advantage of their good nature and make that step for yourself.

Come on, you're a grown up with a child - time to stand on your own two feet.

They're not both making me feel like that, it's mainly my mum. My dad doesn't make me feel like that at all.

The stuff about my brothers was mentioned because I wanted to highlight the difference in attitude towards them and me. My mum can be quite dismissive about me and my son even though we're quite dependent on her and drop us to do things for my brothers and doesn't demand any big show of gratitude from them - in fact my youngest brother takes anything they do for granted and apparently this is never a problem. Whereas I show gratitude but am sometimes made to feel like a burden. And she was like this all my life before, but before it didn't matter as I wasn't dependent on them.

This usually happens when you live under someone else's roof. Its a power currency that they feel they should be paid. It'll go back to normal once you move out. In the meantime try to focus on something else while your mum complains so that you avoid upset. Xx