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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it exhausting being continuously grateful

136 replies

Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 00:33

Sorry this is long but I'm trying to give a full picture. I've always been a very independent person and have rarely asked for anything from my parents since leaving home at 18. I've generally had a drama free life. Got good jobs and financially on top of everything. My parents have always been the sort to try and help their kids and they offer a lot to my younger siblings, especially my younger brother who they help a lot and put themselves out there a lot for him, even though he doesn't make a lot of effort with them. They complain my 2 siblings live far away, especially my middle brother who has children and my mum gets jealous of the other grandma who looks after his kids a lot.

However, in my mid 30s 2 years ago I lost my job and my partner left me while I was pregnant, which left me in a vulnerable situation as I had a mortgaged house and lived a long way from my family. My mum invited me to move in with them (their idea) which was a lifeline and I was very grateful for. They were both really supportive with the birth and ever since and they forged a very close relationship with my child. As a baby, I did the bulk but they were always on hand if I needed a shower or someone to watch him when I interviewed for a new job or went to the gym classes twice a week (my mum encouraged me to get back to exercising). Because he was breastfed, I didn't do any overnights without him till I went back to work and rarely did anything socially without him.

I got a new job after a year and went back full time (my industry doesn't do part time). My son has been at nursery 4 days a week and 1 with my mum (her suggestion). Between the 3 of us we do pick ups and drop offs although my mum tends to do pick up as it's in my working hours and then I take over after he's had dinner and do bath, bed and any wake ups at night. I sometimes have to travel for work. It's quite common in my line of work, but I purposefully chose a new job where I work from home and travel less but there is some travel. I also go to the gym for an hour twice a week. After that, I just don't feel like I can ask for much more as that seems like a lot of help, so I rarely see my friends or do anything socially that isn't work. When I do I feel bad for asking and also for being away from my son. I don't mind but I sometimes feel a bit lonely as I don't get out much. I'll add I also contribute financially and I pay for nearly everything for my son and anything they've bought for him, they do the equvilant for the other grandchildren. Also they give my brother a lot of money towards his childcare since they feel they're doing a lot for me, even though they get help from the other grandparents.

Now my gripe is how much my mum complains to me and tells me I should be grateful and implies I should move out sometimes, but when I say I'm looking to move out she backtracks and says there's no rush and I don't have to. She's always saying how tired she is complaining how much she has to do. She doesn't work and my son is at nursery 4 days a week. But on those 4 days she does loads of exercise classes and is out and about all day, which she is totally free to do and I'm not saying she shouldn't, but it's also how much she expects from herself and the rest of us in the rest of the time; Every meal is complicated and from scratch and takes a long time. On the days she's not around I throw together really simple, quick meals and she complains to me about this, saying I should try harder and she managed it when we were kids on her own. If I try to cook when she's there, she never wants to eat what I'm making and complains I'm in the way/making a mess, so generally I stick to clearing/washing up after my child is asleep. She complains our rooms are a mess, but if I ask her to watch my son while I sort them out, she will complain about that too saying she's busy. When I travel for work the first thing I have to do when I get back is say thank you and how grateful I am, otherwise I get an earful for being rude. For example, one time my son was crying when I got home so I immediately took him upstairs to get him out of my parents hair, then my mum followed me and told me off for not saying thank you.

She's not like this with my brothers at all and will drop anything for them. To give an example I had a rare social thing in the calendar scheduled for after my son was asleep, I was dressed and ready to go, but then my brother was visiting and suddenly told us he needed a lift from the station. I got told I coudln't go out afterall since he needed a lift. I then had to listen to my brother talking about how he'd been out every day for the last month when he arrived at the house, which I found really upsetting.

A while ago I broke down to my parents and said I felt like me and my son are an inconvinience to them and said I felt very lonely and I couldn't go out much and my mum said she didn't intend to make it seem like it was an inconvinience and she's very happy to look after my son and then she didn't complain as much for a while, but recently it's started again.

I feel like they absolutely love my son, but I feel like they don't really want us in the house, but they do want us to live very close by.

I've been planning options to move out and where I don't have to rely on them as much as, as much as I really am grateful, I'm exhausted by it and having to feel like someone is doing me a favour all the time. This would involve moving further away as they live in a very expensive area and I'd need to free up income to pay for childcare. I tentatively mentioned this to my dad and then they cornered me and asked me why I felt like I needed to move out and said I can stay as long as I like.

I'm just very tired and feel isolated even with their support sometimes. I know being a mum of a young child is always very tiring, single or not, especially trying to balance work as well. But I feel like the treading on eggshells is adding to my exhaustion and mental workload.

AIBU to be fed up of telling my mum I'm grateful?

OP posts:
cheeseismydownfall · 15/10/2025 07:34

I fully understand how you are feeling OP and the PPs calling you ungrateful haven't read your post properly.

I had a similar situation (although not 24/7) with my DM when our DC were young. My DM had always been extremely scathing of nursery for young children and when I went back to work part time she insisted on looking after them. She absolutely adored them and of course it was an easier and more flexible arrangement for me (although we did pay her).

As time went by however I found the situation unbearably claustrophobic and endless martyrdom increasingly impossible to live with. But any mention of moving the DC to paid childcare was met with fury and tears. On the outside people thought we had a wonderful setup and I got lots of "oh, your so lucky!" But the reality is I would have paid for childcare twice over and put up with the inconvenience to be free of the endless obligation and demands to be grateful.

It finally ended when the last DC went to school. This was over a decade ago and sadly my relationship with DM never fully recovered.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 07:36

Zapx · 15/10/2025 07:10

I agree you need to move out… How old is your baby now? I’d also say that changing career is essential (I know this is not AT ALL easy) because I can’t see how the travelling for work can continue to work out unless you plan relying on your parents forever for this? I’m so sorry OP - your situation sounds really hard.

My child has just turned 2. I can't really change career - I've been doing this for 15 years and it pays well. I've already taken an option which is much more flexible - working from home means I can finish dead on 5 if needed and take over when I'm not travelling. The travel is not all the time either and tends to be within the UK. Sometimes I can go months without any. My mum herself is against me doing changing career or anything where I get paid less. I even suggested asking to cut my hours and she said she didn't think that was a good idea. I guess that's what I'm trying to say is that she has a lot of opinions on what I do (working in a good job, keeping fit, what I eat) which I tend to listen to and she says she'll help me to achieve those things, but then complains about it, which creates this sense of guilt of burdening them. If I didn't exercise or have a good job she'd also have something to same about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 08:00

I probably won't be able to reply for most of the day now but just wanted to say that I fully expected to be told by some people I was being unreasonable, because I myself feel unreasonable to complain because I know they do so much for me AND I am immensely grateful. My gripe was that my mum says she wants to help, but then proceeds to complain about it a lot and I have this sense of burden hanging over me constantly, which I hate as I've always been so independent. I also appreciate the sympathetic replies which made me feel a bit better about my feelings.

I think @RawBloomers makes an excellent point as I do feel like my mum is saying and doing what society expects of her, but actually deep down, she doesn't enjoy it that much. She lamented a lot about not having purpose in life after stopping work and was jealous of other granny's who had that opportunity to look after grandchildren, but she obviously wasn't expecting me to be so reliant on her help. Also looking after a 2 year old is exhausting for everyone involved. He's fairly typical and not particularly hard, but he's very energetic and you have to watch him all the time. We make life harder on ourselves by having zero screen time for instance.

To respond to the points about finance, I am quite well off and even when I was out of work for a year, I could have made it through with savings and I could manage on my own now easily financially but it's more the logistical aspect with work and just managing alone with a toddler. I also contribute every month to my parents financially and then get shopping in, fill up their car, pay for dinner out and bring treats back from my trips etc - which I do happily because I want to. My parents aren't badly off either and they don't have a mortgage.

To the questions about my sons father, he's not at all involved and doesn't even live in the country anymore and I have no financial help from him. The paternal family would love to help and I get on with them, but they can't easily get visas to come here and I don't want to live where they are.

Also a few people said I was ungrateful for expecting to go out socially - I did say that I don't expect that, and I go out very rarely (probably for a quick dinner with friends every other month). I was just pointing the story about my brother and summarising what they do for them in general, so you can see in general that they like to help their kids, but this thing about gratitude only seems to apply to me. I went through decades of asking for nothing and needing little help whereas my mum was doing tons for my brother and there was never of this sense of him needing to be thankful all the time, in fact I think my brother showed very little gratitude. He wasn't particularly in need either, just my parents think of him as less capable. I resent the burden of having to remember to say thank you constantly and worrying if I'm asking too much on top of worrying that I'm not spending enough time with my son, not working enough, not being thin enough, not being enough fullstop etc.

OP posts:
ConvenientLie · 15/10/2025 08:38

Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 07:36

My child has just turned 2. I can't really change career - I've been doing this for 15 years and it pays well. I've already taken an option which is much more flexible - working from home means I can finish dead on 5 if needed and take over when I'm not travelling. The travel is not all the time either and tends to be within the UK. Sometimes I can go months without any. My mum herself is against me doing changing career or anything where I get paid less. I even suggested asking to cut my hours and she said she didn't think that was a good idea. I guess that's what I'm trying to say is that she has a lot of opinions on what I do (working in a good job, keeping fit, what I eat) which I tend to listen to and she says she'll help me to achieve those things, but then complains about it, which creates this sense of guilt of burdening them. If I didn't exercise or have a good job she'd also have something to same about that.

Show quote history

It reads like you’ve both reverted back to a parent child dynamic.
You’re in your thirties, you have a child - if you want to cut your hours, just do it! You don’t need mummy’s permission. She’s giving her opinion on everything partly because you’re actively including her in your decisions but also because you’re letting her.
“That’s an interesting thought mum, but I’ve decided I’m cutting my hours for the next twelve months so I can have better flexibility. Have you spoken to nanna lately?”

LadyNorthStar · 15/10/2025 08:40

You go to the gym twice a week and go out for dinner with friends every other month. You are also ‘out’ at work without having to worry about your child.

You won’t be worrying about calls from nursery asking you to come now because he’s ill or worrying about having to take time off again when this happens, because your parents are there.

I think you have plenty of ‘me’ time to be honest. Your work trips also count - I bet you get to stay in nice hotels with dinner etc.

I bet the house is clean and tidy, your washing is done, it sounds like your mum makes dinner a lot.

You have got it really really good and of course your mum wants you to be grateful. You are both under her feet and I can’t imagine being in this position when I’m retired.

All you have to do is say thank you and show appreciation. It seems a pretty good deal to me.

NorthSouthEast · 15/10/2025 08:56

I’d make a plan to move out, don’t tell your parents about it yet.

You have the luxury of time to research what will work best for you in terms of area, nursery, commuting, community, affordability etc before you commit to anything.

You could even research gyms and see if any have a crèche, or are near the nursery so you can optimise work-gym-nursery-home journeys.

You should think about commuting time, future primary school, whether you move your child to a nursery very near home or very near work.

Once you move you will be able to use babysitters so you can go out when you want (this is a difficulty in your current set up, you can’t book a babysitter to sit in your parents home so you have to ask them for the favour, rather than doing as you please).

You will be able to organise your own meals and set up online grocery deliveries so you will get back some time and autonomy for yourself.

You will be able to host friends at your house so you don’t always have to go out to socialise.

Get it all sorted, literally to putting having a concrete move in date with deposits paid or contacts exchanged and then tell your parents. You can say you are ever so grateful for all they’ve done but it’s time to give them back the freedoms to enjoy their time and their house, and for you to set yourself up independently with your child. They can still see lots of their DGC but it will be on a more standard basis. Hopefully they would still be willing to help with overnights. I can see this is potentially an issue but it’s not the reason to keep all of your life on hold whilst you remain beholden to your parents.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/10/2025 09:00

LadyNorthStar · 15/10/2025 08:40

You go to the gym twice a week and go out for dinner with friends every other month. You are also ‘out’ at work without having to worry about your child.

You won’t be worrying about calls from nursery asking you to come now because he’s ill or worrying about having to take time off again when this happens, because your parents are there.

I think you have plenty of ‘me’ time to be honest. Your work trips also count - I bet you get to stay in nice hotels with dinner etc.

I bet the house is clean and tidy, your washing is done, it sounds like your mum makes dinner a lot.

You have got it really really good and of course your mum wants you to be grateful. You are both under her feet and I can’t imagine being in this position when I’m retired.

All you have to do is say thank you and show appreciation. It seems a pretty good deal to me.

I’ve never been on a work trip that gives me ‘me’ time.

logplant · 15/10/2025 09:05

I think your parents feel conflicted they want to help and support you but they also want their freedom and to live without responsibility for their adult child. Your life will be harder if you move out - their life will be harder if you stay. They will never ask you to leave but deep down they probably want a break

PollyBell · 15/10/2025 09:06

Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 08:00

I probably won't be able to reply for most of the day now but just wanted to say that I fully expected to be told by some people I was being unreasonable, because I myself feel unreasonable to complain because I know they do so much for me AND I am immensely grateful. My gripe was that my mum says she wants to help, but then proceeds to complain about it a lot and I have this sense of burden hanging over me constantly, which I hate as I've always been so independent. I also appreciate the sympathetic replies which made me feel a bit better about my feelings.

I think @RawBloomers makes an excellent point as I do feel like my mum is saying and doing what society expects of her, but actually deep down, she doesn't enjoy it that much. She lamented a lot about not having purpose in life after stopping work and was jealous of other granny's who had that opportunity to look after grandchildren, but she obviously wasn't expecting me to be so reliant on her help. Also looking after a 2 year old is exhausting for everyone involved. He's fairly typical and not particularly hard, but he's very energetic and you have to watch him all the time. We make life harder on ourselves by having zero screen time for instance.

To respond to the points about finance, I am quite well off and even when I was out of work for a year, I could have made it through with savings and I could manage on my own now easily financially but it's more the logistical aspect with work and just managing alone with a toddler. I also contribute every month to my parents financially and then get shopping in, fill up their car, pay for dinner out and bring treats back from my trips etc - which I do happily because I want to. My parents aren't badly off either and they don't have a mortgage.

To the questions about my sons father, he's not at all involved and doesn't even live in the country anymore and I have no financial help from him. The paternal family would love to help and I get on with them, but they can't easily get visas to come here and I don't want to live where they are.

Also a few people said I was ungrateful for expecting to go out socially - I did say that I don't expect that, and I go out very rarely (probably for a quick dinner with friends every other month). I was just pointing the story about my brother and summarising what they do for them in general, so you can see in general that they like to help their kids, but this thing about gratitude only seems to apply to me. I went through decades of asking for nothing and needing little help whereas my mum was doing tons for my brother and there was never of this sense of him needing to be thankful all the time, in fact I think my brother showed very little gratitude. He wasn't particularly in need either, just my parents think of him as less capable. I resent the burden of having to remember to say thank you constantly and worrying if I'm asking too much on top of worrying that I'm not spending enough time with my son, not working enough, not being thin enough, not being enough fullstop etc.

So why dont you move out?

Notusualnameobvs · 15/10/2025 09:22

@Bunny44 I'm in your mother's shoes to some extent but too outing to give the full details. I see both sides. You are incredibly fortunate to have so much help and you probably do take it for granted as it's your normal.
From my perspective, it's not about being constantly grateful but about your parents feeling appreciated. It seems as though your mum doesn't feel like that. Do you do anything nice for your parents to acknowledge how much they do?
You do have the choice and means to move out and be independent, although as a single parent you won't have personal freedom until your child is much older. Weigh that up against what you get now and decide whether you want more independence and responsibility or to accept you need to be more consistently appreciative of your parents' support.

logplant · 15/10/2025 09:27

NorthSouthEast · 15/10/2025 08:56

I’d make a plan to move out, don’t tell your parents about it yet.

You have the luxury of time to research what will work best for you in terms of area, nursery, commuting, community, affordability etc before you commit to anything.

You could even research gyms and see if any have a crèche, or are near the nursery so you can optimise work-gym-nursery-home journeys.

You should think about commuting time, future primary school, whether you move your child to a nursery very near home or very near work.

Once you move you will be able to use babysitters so you can go out when you want (this is a difficulty in your current set up, you can’t book a babysitter to sit in your parents home so you have to ask them for the favour, rather than doing as you please).

You will be able to organise your own meals and set up online grocery deliveries so you will get back some time and autonomy for yourself.

You will be able to host friends at your house so you don’t always have to go out to socialise.

Get it all sorted, literally to putting having a concrete move in date with deposits paid or contacts exchanged and then tell your parents. You can say you are ever so grateful for all they’ve done but it’s time to give them back the freedoms to enjoy their time and their house, and for you to set yourself up independently with your child. They can still see lots of their DGC but it will be on a more standard basis. Hopefully they would still be willing to help with overnights. I can see this is potentially an issue but it’s not the reason to keep all of your life on hold whilst you remain beholden to your parents.

I agree - because you are not presenting moving out as done and dusted they feel the need to say don’t there’s no need - you are guilting them, you might not mean to, but many parents struggle to tell their kids to move out - many of us want to though and not because we don’t love them, we just need a break from feeling responsible all the time.

Octavia64 · 15/10/2025 09:46

You need to move out.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 12:22

PollyBell · 15/10/2025 09:06

So why dont you move out?

Show quote history

To address the point about moving out, I want to move out but my parents give me mixed messages there too. They want me to move really close by so they can see my son and continue to help, they say, but obviously I'm already having the current issues. I would need to be sure that I could definitely rely on them.

I don't really want to live in this area unless they really do help out a lot, as there's not a lot else for me here, plus the houses are expensive and ideally i'd have space for a live-in au pair. I even have a work option to move abroad, buy mortgage free and have a live in nanny, but when I mentioned this in passing they really freaked out which led to a discussion with them insisting they want to help out and could help me financially to live near by. I'm a quite torn as I do really value my independence and hate feeling reliant, but they have made me feel guilty about potentially moving away, for both my parents and my son, who adores them.

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 15/10/2025 12:41

I think makes an excellent point as I do feel like my mum is saying and doing what society expects of her, but actually deep down, she doesn't enjoy it that much.

It could also be the other way round, if that doesn’t sound bizarre! I have an older friend who has done huge amounts for her grandchildren and has literally been run ragged sometimes. But she likes being “the matriarch” and she genuinely does feel that it’s a privilege to see her grandchildren every day. But sometimes it gets a bit much for her - totally understandably. But then she gets all the comments from other people - meant well - along the lines of “your kids don’t know they’re born”, “you’re like Supergran - nobody else would do what you do” and I think she then can’t help feel a bit aggrieved if things crop up which irritate her (along the lines of “everyone else thinks I’m marvellous - why are you nitpicking about bedtime” (or whatever). Could it be that with your mum to some extent?

Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 12:47

Notusualnameobvs · 15/10/2025 09:22

@Bunny44 I'm in your mother's shoes to some extent but too outing to give the full details. I see both sides. You are incredibly fortunate to have so much help and you probably do take it for granted as it's your normal.
From my perspective, it's not about being constantly grateful but about your parents feeling appreciated. It seems as though your mum doesn't feel like that. Do you do anything nice for your parents to acknowledge how much they do?
You do have the choice and means to move out and be independent, although as a single parent you won't have personal freedom until your child is much older. Weigh that up against what you get now and decide whether you want more independence and responsibility or to accept you need to be more consistently appreciative of your parents' support.

I think this is a good point about feeling appreciated. I am aware I'm very fortunate and I don't take it for granted, hence why I said I feel a bit stressed about asking for help, even if it's work related. I do lots of nice things for them, like take them for dinner, bring them treats back when I travel and do nice photo cards & presents for occassions from me and my son.

We generally all get on, but my mum and I end up arguing quite a lot as my mum can be really pushy on her opinions and sometimes I lose my patience (worth saying my brothers are much quicker to lose patience with this so she's much more careful what she says to them). Examples are she constantly comments on what I eat and will complain if I don't immediately tidy up after me and my son. I try really hard to keep on top of everything but I'm just not able to maintain the same standards of tidiness as before having a baby.

Honestly, I'm not sure how single parents cope without help. It looks impossible to me but I know lots of people do it. Hats off to them.

OP posts:
Autisticburnouthell · 15/10/2025 12:48

I can’t imagine anyone looking after my child and not saying thank you, especially free childcare and over night.

It sounds like you’ve fallen back in parent - teenage relationship with your parents.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/10/2025 12:57

I want to move out but my parents give me mixed messages there too. They want me to move really close by so they can see my son

It's not up what they want-it's about what you're going to do.

I think you need to move out and live more independently now-it's all bit very enmeshed.

Livelaughlurgy · 15/10/2025 12:57

You need to say no to your mums offers. You're putting all the responsibility on her. If she wants to offer and then complain that's her prerogative. You know she does this. So if you don't want the complaining then turn down the offer. You need to build up more independence. My mum will regularly offer to do the school run or take my kids to give me a break and I'll often say no because I don't need her to, I can do it.

You also sound like you're thinking of you as one unit instead of two. The presents you mention- photo books, taking them for dinner et, they're not gifts for your parents as people. My parents love that but also love going out by themselves and getting presents that are nothing to do with themselves as a parents or grandparent.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 13:02

Autisticburnouthell · 15/10/2025 12:48

I can’t imagine anyone looking after my child and not saying thank you, especially free childcare and over night.

It sounds like you’ve fallen back in parent - teenage relationship with your parents.

I do say thank you but imagine it's like constantly feeling like everything is a favour. Even going to work.

OP posts:
kiwiane · 15/10/2025 13:05

You need your own place and then can build a social life - I don’t see why you can’t meet other people with children. You could use a babysitter if you had your own home; I would try to stop the enmeshed lifestyle and control. Check if you can get money towards childcare; try to cut down on your mum’s support as it comes with too many strings and judgement.

peachesarenom · 15/10/2025 13:22

I think you need to move out! You need your freedom! Many years can pass this way and you'll live to regret it. I would choose the option where you are free-est! They will then be excited to see you both xxx

Starlight1984 · 15/10/2025 13:30

Shinyandnew1 · 15/10/2025 12:57

I want to move out but my parents give me mixed messages there too. They want me to move really close by so they can see my son

It's not up what they want-it's about what you're going to do.

I think you need to move out and live more independently now-it's all bit very enmeshed.

This! It seems like every decision from where you live to how many hours you work to what exercise you do is run past your mum and dad first?!?!

Just make your own decisions!!!

CordeliaNaismithVorkosigan · 15/10/2025 13:47

It sounds as though you could afford to 'stack' childcare - so nursery and au pair, for example. Your child is too young for an au pair to be the main childcare, but it might be a good addition and would give you babysitting. You have options that a lot of women don't.

What do you actually want? Do you want to carry on working full time? Where would you like to live? Where do you want your DC to go to school?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/10/2025 13:55

I was nervous if leaving when my l was in that situation.

Then l left. Ds was 2 1/2. I worried how I’d manage but l was fine. My family still babysat. But they came to my house.

That period of living with dm really affected my relationship with her for the rest of my life.

You just need to go.

Needlenardlenoo · 15/10/2025 14:01

Move out ASAP. Do not involve them in your plans. Hire a good babysitter. Stop using your mum for childcare.

Enjoy living your life!

I felt exhausted just reading your post. It sounded like an only slightly updated story from the days when single motherhood was somehow shameful. How long are you supposed to "atone" for your useless ex leaving you in the lurch?!