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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Pure rage - toxic colleague has job in my new place

122 replies

Lotsnlotsoflove · 14/10/2025 21:34

Excuse the long post.

My previous job to my current one was a step up in terms of leadership and responsibility and I was excited to take on a new challenge, leading a team and creating a shared vision in a top organisation in my sector. As soon as I began the job, it was obvious all was not well in the team I had been employed to lead, colleagues refused to talk to each other or collaborate, nobody understood their role, and hugely inexperienced people had been given management roles way above their qualifications and experience. For example, it is standard in my industry that senior leaders have a PhD or equivalent and people had been employed in leadership roles with UG degree and barely two years of industry experience. One of these particular people was difficult from the start, she kicked up a huge fuss when I asked to meet all members of the team one on one (I was the line manager) to get a sense of individuals and set shared targets as we moved forward, and refused to meet me without another colleague present. I found this odd, as I had never met her ahead of working in the company and certainly hadn't had any negative interactions. In our one on one she got very angry and began to cry when I brought up that a budget line she had some responsibility for (though my predecessor was the overall budget holder) was overspending due to a misunderstanding about the allocation of funds available for particular things. It later transpired she had been hired by my previous role holder, who she was very fond of, and who had appointed her without the requisite qualifications and 'mentored' her in her role, which had meant doing all of the leadership tasks on her behalf. This could not continue under my leadership and I made it clear everyone with leadership responsibilty (and therefore salaries of £60k plus) would need to do their role.

The whole job was extremely difficult, with the management of interpersonal conflict and staff grievances happening from day one. The member of staff I allude to above was hugely central in this culture of formal grievance making and in the first six months I was there took out grievances against staff as well as complaints about our customer base on a more than monthly basis - all on the grounds of racism against her. The organisation I was in had a huge anti-racism policy and took a 'no holds barred' attitude to investigating and rooting out racism — investigations took place and inevitably there was no evidence of racism, or in one case evidence that some bias may have impacted decision making, although this could not be proven (as a senior leader I saw all the independent investigation reports, all of which cost the company many thousands of pounds). About half of the people investigated found the process so stressful that they went on long-term sick leave and then resigned from the post.

As an aside, and because it is relevant, this colleague was not the only person of colour in the organisation, or my team, although she was the only Black senior woman on my team. It is also relevant that our industry is hugely invested in anti-racism, and part of every institution includes specialist EDI and anti-racist departments (which I think is necessary, and do not in any way object to - simply to say, being cast as racist is a reputationally damaging way beyond what it might be in even most reasonably progressive workplaces).

It became obvious that she did not have the experience to carry out the role on her own, which wasn't surprising given her lack of skills, experience and qualifications. HR worked with me to support her development through coaching and leadership training, including one-to-one mentorship with an external Black leader of her choice, costing over £15k. At year's end her department had massively underperformed and an organisational traffic light system (arranged and operated by the exec board, not me) highlighted every aspect of her performance as 'red' (required urgent change).

Anyway, about a year into the role I got pregnant. During this time, my colleague's behaviour escalated. She stopped attending meetings against company policy, took out yet more grievances against colleagues and refused to meet one-to-one with any of her direct reports. Meanwhile, I was very ill with gestational diabetes, anemia and other pregnancy complications. On the day I went on maternity leave, she took out a grievance against me for racist harassment, it was completely vexatious and full of out and out untruths or completely misrepresented the facts. My company insisted I undergo the investigation process on mat leave, so two weeks postpartum I had to participate in a long round of meetings, intrusive interviews with external investigators and evidence gathering that took the entire six months of my maternity to conclude. Fortunately, I had evidence to refute every point and witnesses to corroborate my statements. The investigation found no case to answer and recommended any record of the process was struck from my record. No action was taken against my colleague (who I get is free to make accusations, and the employer is duty bound to follow them up).

It goes without saying that this was hugely stressful. I left the organisation soon after and began a case for constructive dismissal on the basis of the handling of my case, which they settled ahead of a tribunal for tens of thousands of pounds. I found a new job at the same rank in a much nicer company soon after, am thriving here and have moved on. Two years have passed. However, the toxic colleague who was let go from the last place earlier this year has somehow managed to get a job here. As I understand it from a friend at the last job she was given a severance package that included a glowing reference. I am horrified I will have to work in her proximity, and today, when I bumped into her in the staff canteen, I was overcome with emotion. I am so shocked, and seriously considering leaving a job I love, so I don't have to be near this person. Is there anything I can realistically do to move on psychologically from this? Part of me feels that I need to let it go and accept she has a different perspective on the events of our last job to me. I am not in her team at this place, so contact will be minimal. AIBU to feel so angry and upset that I need to work with this person?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/10/2025 21:41

Does your current employer have some sort of employee assistance scheme?

Lotsnlotsoflove · 14/10/2025 21:42

RandomMess · 14/10/2025 21:41

Does your current employer have some sort of employee assistance scheme?

Yes, I believe so.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/10/2025 21:45

Get onto them ASAP you need emotional support. Don’t rush to give up a job your love if you won’t be directly working with her.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/10/2025 21:48

That is tough but I think you shouldn’t let it sour your job. As you don’t need to work with her I would minimise your interactions with her. You have already built a strong reputation in your new place so focus on that and leave her to show her true self to the organisation.

Did you get any counselling after your appalling treatment by your last employer. I would consider it to help with dealing with feeling triggered.

You don’t need to accept or see anything from her point of view. You are allowed to be hurt and upset just as she may feel hurt and upset. You are not responsible for her feelings only for handling your own.

The only point I would make is she may have initiated the issue but she wasn’t responsible for the bloody awful way your employer handled it. It might help if you can separate your feelings about her and your feelings about your employer.

Don’t be drawn into any conversations about her if anyone realises you worked together. Just keep it bland about how you were in the same company some time ago. Don’t mention you know her if people haven’t realised.

Just focus on yourself and your goals and leave her to walk her own path.

SewingWarriorQueen76 · 14/10/2025 21:50

I’d be suggesting to HR that they run an in-depth review of her references.
I would also try to explain to them how much of a hospital pass she is, if they will listen.

Also if she is on a probation period , perhaps she will shoot herself in the foot?

Cardinalita90 · 14/10/2025 21:50

I would ask for a 121 with your manager asap and make them aware of the vexatious allegation she made against you. Not because you expect them to do anything but to pre-empt any nasty spin she may put on it when she tells people, or in case she lodges another.

Lotsnlotsoflove · 14/10/2025 21:54

Cardinalita90 · 14/10/2025 21:50

I would ask for a 121 with your manager asap and make them aware of the vexatious allegation she made against you. Not because you expect them to do anything but to pre-empt any nasty spin she may put on it when she tells people, or in case she lodges another.

I have considered this, but I also think it could seem like drama creating and I have worked really hard to stay drama-free and get on with the job at this place.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/10/2025 21:56

SewingWarriorQueen76 · 14/10/2025 21:50

I’d be suggesting to HR that they run an in-depth review of her references.
I would also try to explain to them how much of a hospital pass she is, if they will listen.

Also if she is on a probation period , perhaps she will shoot herself in the foot?

I wouldn’t do this. I could be twisted by her into evidence that her previous allegations were justified as you are trying to undermine her fresh start etc etc etc.

Stay well out of it

Lotsnlotsoflove · 14/10/2025 21:57

SewingWarriorQueen76 · 14/10/2025 21:50

I’d be suggesting to HR that they run an in-depth review of her references.
I would also try to explain to them how much of a hospital pass she is, if they will listen.

Also if she is on a probation period , perhaps she will shoot herself in the foot?

I don't think I can do that to HR as she is not in my department, so it would look very odd for me to start making allegations against someone in a different team. I have seriously considered it, but if she had a good reference from our last job, that would count for a lot due to the (undeserved) reputation of the place. I can't see them taking my word for it the reference is a 'golden handshake', and I could easily come off as trying to sabotage a colleague for nefarious reasons given HR don't know the background and it would be my word against hers, effectively.

OP posts:
Lotsnlotsoflove · 14/10/2025 21:59

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/10/2025 21:48

That is tough but I think you shouldn’t let it sour your job. As you don’t need to work with her I would minimise your interactions with her. You have already built a strong reputation in your new place so focus on that and leave her to show her true self to the organisation.

Did you get any counselling after your appalling treatment by your last employer. I would consider it to help with dealing with feeling triggered.

You don’t need to accept or see anything from her point of view. You are allowed to be hurt and upset just as she may feel hurt and upset. You are not responsible for her feelings only for handling your own.

The only point I would make is she may have initiated the issue but she wasn’t responsible for the bloody awful way your employer handled it. It might help if you can separate your feelings about her and your feelings about your employer.

Don’t be drawn into any conversations about her if anyone realises you worked together. Just keep it bland about how you were in the same company some time ago. Don’t mention you know her if people haven’t realised.

Just focus on yourself and your goals and leave her to walk her own path.

Thank you, that's good advice. I probably do need to speak to someone, because this is really affecting me. I don't think it helps that my DD who I was pregnant with is unwell with some chronic things at the moment and I have a lot of guilt about the stress of my pregnancy and postpartum and how this affected DD due to this issue.

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 14/10/2025 22:00

I would not let her ruin this for you.
Hopefully, this company is more professional than your last and will deal with her if her antics start again.
Stay away from her best you can.

ThinkMuchMore · 14/10/2025 22:01

Poor you. How dare they ruin your mat leave. No wonder you were triggered. I would have nothing to do with her. From my experience in the NHS, people who take out grievances, end up doing so in every job. She will probably do the same thing but with a different team this time but just keep quiet till she leaves.

She is not a happy person. You are better than her.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/10/2025 22:01

Lotsnlotsoflove · 14/10/2025 21:54

I have considered this, but I also think it could seem like drama creating and I have worked really hard to stay drama-free and get on with the job at this place.

Did you sign an NDA / Confidentiality agreement as part of your settlement if so you may not be able to say anything that direct.

At most I would say something more neutral about differing work styles meaning you would prefer not to work with X in the unlikely event it was suggested l.

parietal · 14/10/2025 22:05

If you trust your boss to be discrete and sensible, I'd start by asking your boss about what this person's role in the company is and whether you will need to work with her. explain that you had some difficult interactions with her at previous company, and would prefer not to work with this person in future.

At this initial stage, you wouldn't need to give any detail about what the previous interactions are, but you are just giving a signal that there is some history here.

Lotsnlotsoflove · 14/10/2025 22:06

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/10/2025 22:01

Did you sign an NDA / Confidentiality agreement as part of your settlement if so you may not be able to say anything that direct.

At most I would say something more neutral about differing work styles meaning you would prefer not to work with X in the unlikely event it was suggested l.

I did sign an NDA of sorts, but it was not in regard to her specifically, it was that the terms of the settlement had to remain confidential, that I agreed my employer could waive legal responsibility and I also agreed in the NDA not to take any further legal action against the company and certain named managers (she was not included in the named persons list). I don't think I would be permitted to give evidence of her actions to my new employers, though, as documents such as the investigation report and my tribunal claim paperwork contain sensitive information about my previous employer and other named individuals.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 14/10/2025 22:07

You know what’s she is capable of so take steps to protect yourself. She will show her true colours but she isn’t yours to manage now.

Lotsnlotsoflove · 14/10/2025 22:09

parietal · 14/10/2025 22:05

If you trust your boss to be discrete and sensible, I'd start by asking your boss about what this person's role in the company is and whether you will need to work with her. explain that you had some difficult interactions with her at previous company, and would prefer not to work with this person in future.

At this initial stage, you wouldn't need to give any detail about what the previous interactions are, but you are just giving a signal that there is some history here.

Yes, this is a good idea. I get on with my boss and she is very supportive. I won't have to work with this person in my department but there are lots of interdepartmental things that senior leadership have to attend and it is likely/possible we will have to work together or at least be in the same room from time to time at those. My manager wouldn't really be able to do anything to stop that - or at least it would negatively affect my career if I decided I couldn't attend them.

OP posts:
anonbum · 14/10/2025 22:12

Surely if she pulls the same stunts here it will not be tolerated. It sounds like she was woefully unqualified for her last job and if she’s not up to scratch here it will be clear by the end of her probation period. If she starts with the complaints and drama early on she will also get herself a reputation as a trouble causer.

Steer clear of her, don’t gossip, remain professional and she’ll dig her own grave unless she has learnt to behave properly.

RogerR4bbit · 14/10/2025 22:15

I would use any back channels I had to make sure people around her know the type of person she is, that way they’ll hopefully pick up on any early warning signs that she’s problematic and she won’t last her probation.

By that I mean if there’s anyone you trust that you can have an off-the-record chat with, who can pass on your knowledge that she makes false allegations about colleagues without naming you, then do that. The people she now works with need to be aware of her background of lying and manipulation before she becomes unsackable, but you need to try and keep your name out of it - a difficult situation for sure 😞

Lotsnlotsoflove · 14/10/2025 22:15

anonbum · 14/10/2025 22:12

Surely if she pulls the same stunts here it will not be tolerated. It sounds like she was woefully unqualified for her last job and if she’s not up to scratch here it will be clear by the end of her probation period. If she starts with the complaints and drama early on she will also get herself a reputation as a trouble causer.

Steer clear of her, don’t gossip, remain professional and she’ll dig her own grave unless she has learnt to behave properly.

Thanks. Yes, I keep thinking how it's like when you have a toxic boyfriend and worry he's going to become the perfect partner for the next woman, but invariably repeats his established pattern....I guess a little of me resents that she put me through what she did and may still come out smelling of roses. But a PP who said I need to focus on the company's appalling treatment of me and seperate it from her is probably correct.

OP posts:
declutteringmymind · 14/10/2025 22:22

I’d lie low and carry on. If your new place has a better culture then she will soon be ratted out. Maintain your dignity. Do not bad mouth her and speak factually. Don’t get drawn into anything.

I would also get the facts of the matter lodged with HR in case she decides to kick up a shit storm.

Obimumkinobi · 14/10/2025 22:40

I wouldn't say anything to anyone at work and definitely don't ask HR to review her references, that's a very unwise suggestion. Don't try to "warn" anyone, even unofficially as this can inevitably be traced back to you - "why were you triple checking Sue's work?" "Er, because we heard she might be incompetent ....."

She'll either repeat her past behaviours, which will soon speak for themselves, or she'll have learned her lesson and there will be no further issues.

To effectively "gossip" about her now will cast doubts over your reputation and the findings of your previous investigation, even if it won't materially change the outcome. Stay removed and don't let yourself be implicated, especially as you don't have to work with her.

I'd get some support outside of work so you can offload if it becomes too much though.

Are you senior to her in this organisation?

Lotsnlotsoflove · 14/10/2025 22:49

Obimumkinobi · 14/10/2025 22:40

I wouldn't say anything to anyone at work and definitely don't ask HR to review her references, that's a very unwise suggestion. Don't try to "warn" anyone, even unofficially as this can inevitably be traced back to you - "why were you triple checking Sue's work?" "Er, because we heard she might be incompetent ....."

She'll either repeat her past behaviours, which will soon speak for themselves, or she'll have learned her lesson and there will be no further issues.

To effectively "gossip" about her now will cast doubts over your reputation and the findings of your previous investigation, even if it won't materially change the outcome. Stay removed and don't let yourself be implicated, especially as you don't have to work with her.

I'd get some support outside of work so you can offload if it becomes too much though.

Are you senior to her in this organisation?

Edited

I am senior to her in rank, but I'm not directly above her in a chain of command if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Obimumkinobi · 14/10/2025 22:57

Lotsnlotsoflove · 14/10/2025 22:49

I am senior to her in rank, but I'm not directly above her in a chain of command if that makes sense.

Yes, I just wondered if she'd managed to bag a job even further from her experience/qualifications than the last one and had somehow ended up outranking you! That would have been even more of a nightmare!

Lotsnlotsoflove · 14/10/2025 23:02

Obimumkinobi · 14/10/2025 22:57

Yes, I just wondered if she'd managed to bag a job even further from her experience/qualifications than the last one and had somehow ended up outranking you! That would have been even more of a nightmare!

It would have! But thankfully not, we both have roles the same rank more or less as previous jobs, she is sort of one below me in the order of hierarchy, but it doesn’t mean much except indicates a broad pay range within the grade.

OP posts: