To be stressed out about DH and his portion of the "mental load"

[avajamesbee]

I have an extremely supportive DH who is amazing - very caring, dedicated father to our DC, an all-around great person. However, he can be quite absent minded, especially when it comes to the mental load through no fault of his own. I have to add that he is extremely intelligent as well and works in an industry at a very high level where this is quite typical - think in the lines of quirky scientists that everyone accepts are very absent minded and engulfed in their own world.

He works FT, I work PT but I run my own business so there's lots to think about on a daily basis and work for me often seeps into weekends etc. However, the fact that I am PT and I am more efficient at doing the life admin means that I've taken on almost everything - cooking, laundry, appointments, gifts, playdates, planning, the lot. If he were to take more on (which we've tried), what ends up happening is we have no free time left for us whatsoever as he just takes longer to do said things.

So now he has a few areas which are his domain - for example he does everything related to the trash, dishwasher. etc but the issue is, he still often forgets to do his bit and I end up having to remind him to do it (often several times) which stresses me out or I end up doing it myself, which makes me frazzled and exhausted trying to keep up with everything.

Examples are - on bin day he would forget to empty the bathroom bins, or he would empty them but forget to put bin liner in or he would forget to empty the paper recycling bins and they would be overflowing for the next couple of weeks until the next collection comes. He would forget to empty the general bin in the evenings, which means that I would either have to spend the next day trying to stuff more trash in an already full bin or have to do it myself amongst the myriad of other things I need to do. He usually empties the dishwasher in the morning before leaving for work, but occasionally he'd be running late and not do it or just forget. He has allergies so uses a lot of tissues which he forgets to throw away (leaves them on his nightstand instead). Occasionally he forgets to put away his dirty laundry and leaves it on the ground, or he'd forget to bring down his cups and glasses from the office.

We've discussed these things numerous times and he's always very apologetic. On the other hand I don't blame him as I know that he isn't doing it on purpose, it's just how his brain works but I can't help but get stressed and feel a bit resentful that I have to do everything. What also annoys me is that when I'm at home with DC after school, I try to fit in some of the things that need doing so that we can relax a bit after bedtime whereas he says he can't multitask so he gets to be 100% focused on DC when spending time with them, and in these cases what ends up happening is after bedtime I spend all the time until I go to bed folding and putting away laundry, prepping his lunch box, tidying up etc.

AIBU to get stressed out by this? What would you do in my situation - would you just accept that this is the reality and pick up the slack or try to implement some changes? Or should I just lower my standards and turn a blind eye to the mess? I really hate to be the nagging wife as well who's constantly reminding him "remember to do this" etc but I often have to be.

I used to accept this type of rubbish. Just weaponised incompetence. No reason your DH shouldn't be able to handle his share of life admin/mental load etc. Like all adults, surely he can learn whatever method works best to help him remember without you having to remind him or doing it.

What's his solution? He is intelligent. How can he minimise the times he forgets? Can't he set a reminder? If be genuinely can't multi task, whats his solution other than you pick up the slack later? Can he not spend half an hour with the kids, do a job for half an hour while they chill out watching TV or whatever then spend another half hour with them? Or get them to help for half an hour so the jobs are done before they get to do fun stuff? How can he avoid making this your problem to solve (either by sorting it out himself or by reminding him).

This would drive me completely insane.

He sounds either like a dithering, lazy teenager, or like he's using weaponised incompetence to absolve himself of completely normal, adult responsibilities.

This doesn't make sense:
"I have to add that he is extremely intelligent as well and works in an industry at a very high level where this is quite typical - think in the lines of quirky scientists that everyone accepts are very absent minded and engulfed in their own world"

Top-level scientists aren't 'quirky' folks in their own world. They're efficient, competent people which is they they're working at a very high level. Stop using this nonsense as justification for your DP's laziness.

What strategies does he use to remember things at work? He needs to use those at home. Or come up with new ones.

I think people on mumsnet make too much of the mental load. If you're better at it just do it. Drop another day at work if necessary

If your gripe is to do with sharing it then yes, you may need to accept that things take your dh longer.

I would suggest he writes himself a task list for the rubbish job, since it seems that it is multistep and once a week (ish). The task lost should include every part of doing the job correctly. Then when he does the job, he can ‘run the list’ so that none of the steps get forgotten. If he tries it for a bit and it works for him, then maybe he can take on a few more jobs that are similar and lend themselves to having written task lists as they require the same steps every time. Lists and routine are one of the main solutions to absent mindedness

what are the consequences for him not stepping up? So the bins don't get emptied..... and then you do it or the house is just a mess? If he's forgotten, when he walks through the door the next evening, why is it not understood that the first thing he does is go round, emptying all the bins and taking it all outside in preparation for next week?

Apologies are meaningless without action.

Why would he remember when he knows you'll do it OP?

What would he do if he lived alone?

Have a rejig. Take away the bathroom bin. He's responsible for his own laundry. Dirty cups just let him pile them up in his office. Stash one for yourself. He's totally responsible for his own appointments and his own ruddy lunchbox.

A big laundry hamper for all of this crap he leaves lying around. He can sort it as his leisure.

The more you do, the less he has to. It's disrespectful of your time.

Also, the "quirky scientist" thing is irritating as shit in the workplace too. I bet you there are half a dozen people in his work environment who hate him as they'r eleft picking up the pieces.

If he can't remember the jobs he needs to do then he can wrote them down/set reminders on alexa/set reminders with alarms on his phone.

Why should OP sacrifice her professional success because her husband is a twat?

From now on, when I read comments like this, I will assume that men are writing them in a sad attempt to keep women in their place.

You can’t have two versions of yourself and unless you’re willing to rule your house under a dictatorship, then he is probably never going to meet your standards.

If he can’t multitask….he can’t multitask. You can’t blame him because he can’t work the way you work.

What you have to do is assign him some areas and recognise he isn’t going to be able to do them as quick as you, especially not at first. Bite your tongue and let him get in with it. When things start to fail, let him deal with the consequences.

This is also what parents do with kids- it’s easier and faster to do it yourself and to your standards- so mums run themselves ragged and the kids learn zero life skills!

Also be prepared to drop some of the unnecessary mental load. We are approaching Xmas and I know so many people who put an insane amount of pressure on themselves. No you don’t have to write Christmas cards, Buy new wrapping every year, book various events over Dec for the kids.

Some of the Mental load is merely keeping up with the Jones, drop all that crap. Focus on absolute needs and assign half over to DH to deal with- accepting he wont do it your way, in your time frame and to your standards but as long as it meets the minimum- let him take the strain.

I think you should split the effort fairly. If he takes so long to do it that you have no time left for ‘us’ (weaponised incompetence much?) then so be it. You have fun with the kids / relax whilst he does his fair share. I strongly suspect under those conditions he will miraculously find solutions.
The key point is to remove the solution that you pick up the slack instead. Then it just becomes his choice what comes next. Leave his tissues (dirty sod), pile the rubbish next to the full bin etc. Not your job. Either he changes or eventually you will be unable to live like this any longer.

Drop the rope. Let his clothes fester. Stop doing anything that is his responsibility.

Tell him you're fed up with him ignoring his end of the bargain and you're not picking up his slack any more. Let him deal with any fall-out too.

If he literally canot remember he needs a checklist and you direct him to that each bin day or whatever
We all gave reminders calendar alerts he can set them recurring for bin days etc

This would really annoy me. Sounds like he's happy to be incompetent and a slob at home but would be sacked if this happened at work. Pay for a cleaner

yes, also this. Actually, it's a good point. DH can be a bit useless and has had to learn and, for example, I no longer feel in the slightest bit guilty when he's doing laundry at 9:30pm and i'm watching tv - he could have done it earlier he just wasn't organised enough to do it.

I don’t buy this “through no fault of his own” bollocks, if he’s capable enough to have a job, produce children and get married, he can empty a bin or wash some clothes.

Stop letting him get away with being a lazy waste of space.

He "forgets" to put his snotty tissues in the bin? No, sorry OP. That won't fly.

Tell him to set a reminder on his 'phone, which tells him what needs doing in which order. There is no reason for him to 'forget'

Do you have smart speakers? I am increasingly forgetful but I live alone so I set all my jobs up as recurring reminders on Alexa so on bin day, Alexa reminds me to empty the bins. It's set so it keeps repeating until I tell her to stop. I have reminders to pay the window cleaner, to book my car in for a service/MOT, renew insurances, etc. Takes a bit of time to set up but at least I no longer forget to do stuff.

You'll get a lot of replies telling you he just needs to get better at all this stuff and you are "enabling" it. Sometimes there is some truth in that, sometimes it's quite unhelpful.

I can't relate to all of what you describe but I can tell you how we split the load. What is the most helpful-to-you thing he can take on? The biggest bang for your buck? Bins are a poor choice difficult because it's a once-a-week job that takes about 5 mins. Which jobs do you hate most that he would be good at?

We looked at where DH could relieve the most drudgery I suppose. He clears up the kitchen every night without fail, no matter how much stuff has built up there over the day. Even if the breakfast bowls are still sat there, or I have baked, he will do it all without complaint. He finishes with a quick sweep of the kitchen floor and taking out any full bins, if needed and if time allows. The attitude makes a big difference to my mental load - no griping that I haven't cleaned as I went along or anything, just no worries, I've got this, you go and sit down. It takes a chunk of time every evening but it is not difficult. I can rest if I need to, or swipe round with a vacuum cleaner or wipe over a bathroom, or sort some washing.

He would also do most bedtimes on a similar sort of basis. He didn't see the children much in the daytime so it was time with them, and it's a job that takes up a big chunk of the evening and is more or less the same every time, so gave me "back" a lot of time (not that it was primarily ever my job, but we used to take turns).

Another job he took on was doing all the finances for school. I did the admin, but instead of me doing payments and tracking dinner money etc I just asked him to. Another fairly standard alone job which also kept him in the loop with what was happening at school.

I wonder if your system and mine are not that different. Whoever gets to the DW first in the morning does it here, because it facilitates everything else running more easily, but if neither of us manages it in the morning then the dishes just build up on the side and DH sorts it all after dinner. No shaming, no pressure, I just trust him to handle it. Try to avoid having your jobs dependent on him having done his, because that is setting things up for him to wind you up.

Tying jobs to things you already do helps with exec dysfunction. He should find things he already does every day (brushing teeth, putting keys down/taking shoes off when entering house, eating meals) and tack new habits onto the ends of these. Do it every single day for a month and it's got a good chance of sticking. Taking bins out is easier to remember when you have just filled up the kitchen bin than on a random Tuesday, so it is easier to do tacked onto a daily kitchen clearup than from thin air.

With parenting you should both be able to fly solo. If you can manage to do a party or bedtime alone with them, then so can he.

Sorry for the essay!

JFC. He is not a child. Stop making excuses and tell him to get himself a whiteboard for his list so he doesn’t “forget”

He leaves snotty tissues on the night stand for you to pick up. Ugh, I wouldn't accept it from a ten year old. Leave them fester

If you think he's really trying, the obvious solution is for him to have tasks to do which aren't time-pressured (i.e. put the bins out) or where failure to do it inconveniences him the most.

Another thing you/he can do is remove the element of judgment and make things into a routine. Dishwasher goes on every night, even if not full. Dishwasher is then emptied every morning. Bins go out every morning, even if not full. You'll use a few more bin bags, but it will get done if it's built into the routine.