To be stressed out about DH and his portion of the "mental load"

[avajamesbee]

I have an extremely supportive DH who is amazing - very caring, dedicated father to our DC, an all-around great person. However, he can be quite absent minded, especially when it comes to the mental load through no fault of his own. I have to add that he is extremely intelligent as well and works in an industry at a very high level where this is quite typical - think in the lines of quirky scientists that everyone accepts are very absent minded and engulfed in their own world.

He works FT, I work PT but I run my own business so there's lots to think about on a daily basis and work for me often seeps into weekends etc. However, the fact that I am PT and I am more efficient at doing the life admin means that I've taken on almost everything - cooking, laundry, appointments, gifts, playdates, planning, the lot. If he were to take more on (which we've tried), what ends up happening is we have no free time left for us whatsoever as he just takes longer to do said things.

So now he has a few areas which are his domain - for example he does everything related to the trash, dishwasher. etc but the issue is, he still often forgets to do his bit and I end up having to remind him to do it (often several times) which stresses me out or I end up doing it myself, which makes me frazzled and exhausted trying to keep up with everything.

Examples are - on bin day he would forget to empty the bathroom bins, or he would empty them but forget to put bin liner in or he would forget to empty the paper recycling bins and they would be overflowing for the next couple of weeks until the next collection comes. He would forget to empty the general bin in the evenings, which means that I would either have to spend the next day trying to stuff more trash in an already full bin or have to do it myself amongst the myriad of other things I need to do. He usually empties the dishwasher in the morning before leaving for work, but occasionally he'd be running late and not do it or just forget. He has allergies so uses a lot of tissues which he forgets to throw away (leaves them on his nightstand instead). Occasionally he forgets to put away his dirty laundry and leaves it on the ground, or he'd forget to bring down his cups and glasses from the office.

We've discussed these things numerous times and he's always very apologetic. On the other hand I don't blame him as I know that he isn't doing it on purpose, it's just how his brain works but I can't help but get stressed and feel a bit resentful that I have to do everything. What also annoys me is that when I'm at home with DC after school, I try to fit in some of the things that need doing so that we can relax a bit after bedtime whereas he says he can't multitask so he gets to be 100% focused on DC when spending time with them, and in these cases what ends up happening is after bedtime I spend all the time until I go to bed folding and putting away laundry, prepping his lunch box, tidying up etc.

AIBU to get stressed out by this? What would you do in my situation - would you just accept that this is the reality and pick up the slack or try to implement some changes? Or should I just lower my standards and turn a blind eye to the mess? I really hate to be the nagging wife as well who's constantly reminding him "remember to do this" etc but I often have to be.

Thank you so much for sharing this, this is exactly the type of solution I was looking for. It did occur to me that the chores split isn't right in how it's done but I didn't really know how to fix that. You are also spot on about my jobs being dependant on his - this is exactly where the resentment builds as I can't do mine if he doesn't do his.

Ask him what would happen if he was this incompetent at work or had a colleague who was?

Tell him you expect him to find a way to ensure he completes his assigned tasks and that if it means that he misses out on family or couple time then so be it. And mean it. No more doing his jobs for him. When yours are done, you relax.

He should be embarrassed. Emptying the bins correctly is not that hard

“quirky scientists that everyone accepts are very absent minded and engulfed in their own world”

Do you live at Kirrin Cottage?

They CAN change. but they have to WANT to. Mostly men like this don’t see the effect on you of their inability to function normally and even if they do, they don’t really care about it because they can’t see how it affects them.

There are solutions. He (probably with support from you, sorry) needs to find ways of adapting his brain to fix the things that bother you.

Tissues - easy, put a bin right beside the place where piles of tissues congregate.

things like that. Make it easy for him not to fuck up.

As a teenager I was scatterbrained (told things like, you are very intelligent but you’ve no common sense OR you’d forget your head if it wasn’t screwed on) and I had to develop a whole range of coping strategies and tools to operate sensibly in daily life.

Seems like your DH needs to add to his brain toolbox. Present it as an academic challenge and I bet he’d rise to it.

My husband is also a 'quirky scientist' but he applies the same focus to tasks at home as he does to work and does his fair share. I'm sure your husband is perfectly capable of doing the same, he is just outsourcing the effort to you.

I'm currently going through some health issues and my DH is doing almost all the domestic stuff. You need to ask yourself how your DH would manage if you needed him to.

What do you mean you are "prepping his lunchbox?" Is he going on a coach trip with the Boy Scouts?

I’d say I can’t make you remember these things. But I am falling apart with the load and furious that you do so little for our kids but treasure your protected focus time with them, while totally not recognising that I get none of that quality time as I’m overloaded. I’m going to leave one evening a week for a while and stay with a friend and you do everything and if it impacts your focus time I don’t give a flying fuck. I am also going to take the focus time opportunity once a week and you do all the house load I do. I don’t care if you have to stay up till 4am to complete it, that’s up to you, I’m not talking you through methods or any of that shit. I will write a tick list, treat it like a mandatory work task and don’t go to bed till it’s done. and maybe then I’ll slowly start to recover. If you just leave the place in a mess with it not done though I will need to increase my time away to balance the load you choose not to carry.

You are absolutely right since you know exactly the issue I'm talking about. He has changed massively since we're together and he does want to change further to ease my mental load as he hates to see me stressed. If you can share more tips about how you've "adapted your brain" that would be very helpful.

Sorry I meant DC's lunchbox!

Being a scientist is all about using your considerable brain power to find creative solutions. He knows this is important to you, he knows it stresses you out and upsets you. What solution is he coming up with to manage things better and ensure he doesn't forget in future.

To be honest all these solutions like setting alarms, writing lists, leaves yet another thing to OP to manage. And stuff like not doing his stuff and dumping his things in a hamper to sort later just leaves OP having to tolerate living in a bomb site and opts him out of family life.

As they say “if he wanted to, he would”.

Personally I feel that if you have left a domain of household management to your husband you need to leave it to him even if this involves standards-lowering. I am the equivalent of your DH in my marriage though.

Thanks OP. With the "can't multitask" thing I would suggest agreeing a pre-dinner to do list so whoever's home ticks off "lunchbox - check washing, fold or tumble as needed - stack DW" or whatever. He doesn't need to multitask, but would he commit to spending 10 mins doing this list tied to some trigger like coming in the door, or a 5pm alarm? On your days you do these things too.

If he doesn't like the idea, talk about why and see what other solutions he has. I'm not convinced this one is really about multitasking but intent and prioritising.

I have adhd and autism and find task management absolutely impossible a lot of the time.

I need visual reminders like a whiteboard on the fridge with tasks and days they need to be done on.

Then I use the eat the frog method to get them done. Do the worst tasks first then move on to more palatable tasks as it makes the transition to relaxing much easier.

Obviously some things need prioritising. You can't put bin bags in a full bin.

I do also sometimes stack bin bags though in smaller bins. Like 5 bin liners ready to go and the top full one just gets removed to leave a ready to go bin liner already there. Only works in bins you don't put wet things in though so theres no risk of leakage.

Just leave him to be messy and stop cleaning up after him. There shouldn’t be that much to do after bedtime with 1 dc anyway.

How does he do things at work? Does he have the sort of job where he gets told what to do all the time and just has to complete those tasks? Some science jobs are like this, especially the more junior positions.

If no, there must be a method he uses that works for him there which he could employ at home? Putting entries in the calendar reminding him to do things? Doing things on a set day? Making a checklist.

Agree why needs doing, pick the ones each of you would be better at and then leave it to him to manage. It won’t be immediate and you’ll have to just leave things as they are in order to show the consequences. But ultimately he needs to come up with a system himself so it works for him. I highly doubt he would be able to get away with this sort of thing at work unless he’s micromanaged and genuinely has no consequences if his work isn’t done!

So because he's intelligent (supposedly) he forgets to take the trash out??

Give me a break

The problem I have as a woman with executive dysfunction is that no one has my back. If I fail, we're late for school, the kids don't have the stuff they need, we live in a tip and we're all miserable. Hence why I've started threads several times on this site asking for advice to make our routines work better.

The problem your DH has as a man with executive dysfunction is that, like many men, he has a partner who'll catch him if he falls and remedy his failings. So the only person he's pissing off if he doesn't sort things out is you. And in his mind, although I'm sure he's very apologetic about it, that's not the same as pissing off his work or his colleagues - men like him tend to be very motivated by external validation outside the family.

Hence why it's you on this site starting this thread about how you can implement changes to make things better.

If he's really serious about making your lives together easier, what he needs to do is identify all things that he's forgetting to do/not managing to do at the moment, and put in place strategies to embed them so deeply in his day-to-day routine that they become second nature, he just does them automatically. He needs to wake up and think "Dishwasher", if that's one of his jobs. It needs to be the first thing he does in the morning. He needs to programme his mind to think "bins downstairs" when he's brushing his teeth at night, and every time he leaves the house, he should be thinking "take bins out". Eventually, this will become second nature.

Tell him to tape a picture of the bins and the dishwasher to the back of your front door so he sees them as he goes out in the morning. It might take a few weeks, but it'll eventually seep in.

I have a 19 year old son with ADHD.

He deals with stuff like the bins by having a phone reminder to empty his bedroom bin the day before bin day. He also has phone reminders for other things like laundry (he does his own) so his clothes don’t turn smelly in the machine. He has come to learn that routine is the key to him getting everything done. When he was a young teen he saw it as boring and controlling but now agrees that things are better.

This. If he can repeat experiments at a high level in order to cure cancer ( or whatever) he can empty the bin and flush his tissues down the loo.

He’s pulled the wool over you eyes and made you think the “quirkiness” is him but it’s not it’s you being gaslighted and controlled into thinking he is incapable of putting a bin out but working at a high level of intelligence? Tell him straight you aren’t stupid so stop making out you are!! Get the bloody jobs you need to do done when they need to be done as we all know you are perfectly capable!! The only reason he stops doing them is because he knows you will take over!!

YABU for the ‘no fault of his own’. It is his fault, he’s a capable adult, and if he chose to there is lots he could do about it.

I agreed with my husband what tasks he'd take responsibility for and got him to set a series of reminders on his phone. He once cancelled an alarm without doing the task, and I went so full-metal-jacket apeshit, I put the fear of God into him and he didn't do it again.

If I see things slipping these days, and now I'm perimenopausal and dont have an ounce of patience remaining, I take the approach of saying "Is there a reason why you think you can take the piss out of me and not sufficiently pull your weight?"

I think it is a good idea to have areas that he is 100% in charge of, as you are describing.
My suggestion would be checklists / alarms on his phone:

• on bin day: are the bins out? are the bathrooms bins empty? Are liners back in? Etc
• every morning before leaving the house: is the DW empty? Are there tissues on my nightstand? Etc

But stop doing things for him! For ex when the bins are full, just use a plastic bag for what doesn’t fit during the few hours until he is back from work. Hopefully, seeing a bag with rubbish in should be enough a clue.
Same with the liners, don’t you think he would remember it if he had to clean the bin because it was used with no liner in?

It is easier to remember things when you have experienced the consequence of not doing it.

Routine is absolutely crucial. It's much easier to have a routine which you've become acclimatised to than to rely on noticing that things need to get done. It takes a lot of the mental stress off. So rather than thinking "Does the bin need to be emptied?", it's much easier to think "I pop the bin bag out on the way out with the kids every morning". No judgement or thought involved.