To be stressed out about DH and his portion of the "mental load"

[avajamesbee]

I have an extremely supportive DH who is amazing - very caring, dedicated father to our DC, an all-around great person. However, he can be quite absent minded, especially when it comes to the mental load through no fault of his own. I have to add that he is extremely intelligent as well and works in an industry at a very high level where this is quite typical - think in the lines of quirky scientists that everyone accepts are very absent minded and engulfed in their own world.

He works FT, I work PT but I run my own business so there's lots to think about on a daily basis and work for me often seeps into weekends etc. However, the fact that I am PT and I am more efficient at doing the life admin means that I've taken on almost everything - cooking, laundry, appointments, gifts, playdates, planning, the lot. If he were to take more on (which we've tried), what ends up happening is we have no free time left for us whatsoever as he just takes longer to do said things.

So now he has a few areas which are his domain - for example he does everything related to the trash, dishwasher. etc but the issue is, he still often forgets to do his bit and I end up having to remind him to do it (often several times) which stresses me out or I end up doing it myself, which makes me frazzled and exhausted trying to keep up with everything.

Examples are - on bin day he would forget to empty the bathroom bins, or he would empty them but forget to put bin liner in or he would forget to empty the paper recycling bins and they would be overflowing for the next couple of weeks until the next collection comes. He would forget to empty the general bin in the evenings, which means that I would either have to spend the next day trying to stuff more trash in an already full bin or have to do it myself amongst the myriad of other things I need to do. He usually empties the dishwasher in the morning before leaving for work, but occasionally he'd be running late and not do it or just forget. He has allergies so uses a lot of tissues which he forgets to throw away (leaves them on his nightstand instead). Occasionally he forgets to put away his dirty laundry and leaves it on the ground, or he'd forget to bring down his cups and glasses from the office.

We've discussed these things numerous times and he's always very apologetic. On the other hand I don't blame him as I know that he isn't doing it on purpose, it's just how his brain works but I can't help but get stressed and feel a bit resentful that I have to do everything. What also annoys me is that when I'm at home with DC after school, I try to fit in some of the things that need doing so that we can relax a bit after bedtime whereas he says he can't multitask so he gets to be 100% focused on DC when spending time with them, and in these cases what ends up happening is after bedtime I spend all the time until I go to bed folding and putting away laundry, prepping his lunch box, tidying up etc.

AIBU to get stressed out by this? What would you do in my situation - would you just accept that this is the reality and pick up the slack or try to implement some changes? Or should I just lower my standards and turn a blind eye to the mess? I really hate to be the nagging wife as well who's constantly reminding him "remember to do this" etc but I often have to be.

Or how about men raise their standards. Yuck.

What a load of bollocks.

You say he is a good husband , a good father works and has a good job. He does not appear nasty but does not do mundane things without constant reminder, he does not appear to get unpleasant when you remind him.
let me tell you no one’s life is perfect and there are many women who would be pleased to only have these imperfections. If you cannot change him you can change yourself. Resolve not to get stressed about issues that are insignificant in the scheme of things and tell him to pay for a cleaner to ease your workload

Lowering your standards really isn't the answer here.

I struggle with a lot of these tasks. Should I lower my standards and go easy on myself if it means that -

• My child gets sent to school without a snack because I cba to put one in their bag.
• My child is sent to school without PE kit on PE day because I cba to get the kit dry in time.
• My child comes home upset because it was Own Clothes Day or they had to wear something spotty or yellow etc., but I didn't know because I cba to read the school newsletter.
• Bed linen is changed monthly, if that, because, you know, cba.
• There's no bread and milk in the house for breakfast because I cba to make a list so I don't forget stuff at the shop.
• The bins are routinely overflowing and the bags split because I cba to take them out. So there's rotten food waste over the floor for someone else to clean up.

The thing is... Even doing the basics to keep a household running can be really tough. If the OP's husband isn't managing these, lower standards isn't the solution.

I simply respond to the ones that have had similar experiences and understand
the root of the issue - that it's a matter of how DH's brain is wired rather than him doing it on purpose. It's difficult to explain it unless you've experienced it, which is why I also understand where the "angry" posts are coming from as I can see how this reads from the outside.

I don't discount that others may have had similar experiences with their DHs which came from a lack of respect, disregard for their time etc but this is not our case which is why I don't comment on them.

I do have to mentioned that I accept that I too have had a role in permitting this by picking up the slack and doing these things for him, but this is my issue and not his. As I wrote in my original post, he's otherwise a kind, caring and amazing DH who has changed massively already and I was looking for advice, tips on managing this or simply a reality check if I was being unreasonable.

This is spot on, thank you for sharing.

Just do it yourself. You could have done it in the time it took you to write this post. Or ask DH for solutions. We have bin days in our shared iPhone calendar.

@avajamesbee if it’s “how his brain is wired” then how does he manage to hold down a job? How did he get his qualifications and get through university?

You’re making excuses for him and I say that as someone who’s DH is formally diagnosed as having ADHD, and who is autistic themselves.

He can do it, he just doesn’t care enough to make the effort because he knows you’ll do it for him if he acts incompetent enough.

“Weaponised incompetence “ and “learned helplessness” are really useful concepts to remind you that it’s not you, it’s him.

Exactly, and it’s funny how it’s only fully grown men who leave snotty tissues everywhere because of how their brains are wired 🙄

Make it inconvenient for him. Put his dirty laundry, the unlined bin and tissues on his side of the bed or on his work bag so he has to deal with them. Let the dirty dishes pile up until he deals with them. His memory will magically improve.

But probably not at work though.
Somehow his executive disfunction manages there OK.