To be stressed out about DH and his portion of the "mental load"

[avajamesbee]

I have an extremely supportive DH who is amazing - very caring, dedicated father to our DC, an all-around great person. However, he can be quite absent minded, especially when it comes to the mental load through no fault of his own. I have to add that he is extremely intelligent as well and works in an industry at a very high level where this is quite typical - think in the lines of quirky scientists that everyone accepts are very absent minded and engulfed in their own world.

He works FT, I work PT but I run my own business so there's lots to think about on a daily basis and work for me often seeps into weekends etc. However, the fact that I am PT and I am more efficient at doing the life admin means that I've taken on almost everything - cooking, laundry, appointments, gifts, playdates, planning, the lot. If he were to take more on (which we've tried), what ends up happening is we have no free time left for us whatsoever as he just takes longer to do said things.

So now he has a few areas which are his domain - for example he does everything related to the trash, dishwasher. etc but the issue is, he still often forgets to do his bit and I end up having to remind him to do it (often several times) which stresses me out or I end up doing it myself, which makes me frazzled and exhausted trying to keep up with everything.

Examples are - on bin day he would forget to empty the bathroom bins, or he would empty them but forget to put bin liner in or he would forget to empty the paper recycling bins and they would be overflowing for the next couple of weeks until the next collection comes. He would forget to empty the general bin in the evenings, which means that I would either have to spend the next day trying to stuff more trash in an already full bin or have to do it myself amongst the myriad of other things I need to do. He usually empties the dishwasher in the morning before leaving for work, but occasionally he'd be running late and not do it or just forget. He has allergies so uses a lot of tissues which he forgets to throw away (leaves them on his nightstand instead). Occasionally he forgets to put away his dirty laundry and leaves it on the ground, or he'd forget to bring down his cups and glasses from the office.

We've discussed these things numerous times and he's always very apologetic. On the other hand I don't blame him as I know that he isn't doing it on purpose, it's just how his brain works but I can't help but get stressed and feel a bit resentful that I have to do everything. What also annoys me is that when I'm at home with DC after school, I try to fit in some of the things that need doing so that we can relax a bit after bedtime whereas he says he can't multitask so he gets to be 100% focused on DC when spending time with them, and in these cases what ends up happening is after bedtime I spend all the time until I go to bed folding and putting away laundry, prepping his lunch box, tidying up etc.

AIBU to get stressed out by this? What would you do in my situation - would you just accept that this is the reality and pick up the slack or try to implement some changes? Or should I just lower my standards and turn a blind eye to the mess? I really hate to be the nagging wife as well who's constantly reminding him "remember to do this" etc but I often have to be.

This is so true. I have severe ADHD and have spent my entire adult life building habits to try and stay on top of things. It’s not easy but I feel so ashamed when our house turns into a tip or I miss a bill and I find the chaos upsetting.

There are so many strategies your husband could try but he’s chooses not to. How much of that is a conscious choice vs socialisation, I don’t know, but it’s a choice. He’s not incompetent or he’s not have the job he does.

Mine is shit at most (not all) mental load stuff due to ADHD.

The way we manage it is to not fight it, play to our strengths and ensure it is included in the division of labour. I also require that if I'm in charge of something due to the ADHD, he does exactly what he's told, and generally immediately because we both know he will otherwise forget.

Not a chance in hell I'd be tolerating stuff like the tissues though. Mine is quite big on respect for my role. Life is also a bit easier in that sometimes a big cleaning task will become the hyperfocus, so he does that quicker than I would whereas I'm more day to day.

Yep!

Sounds like executive function issues which can be viewed as lazy. Look at ADHD books and resource for ideas. He needs routines. Don’t let him get away with stuff. He needs to step up.

He needs to tackle these tasks like he would at work and you need to leave him to it.

If there isn't time in the morning to empty the dishwasher, he should do it at night.

He needs to sort the rubbish out at the weekend so it is ready to go or go to the tip.

He needs to clear the tissues off the nightstand and put them in the bin immediately he wakes up and goes to the bathroom. That is rank.

I don't agree with this idea that people are incapable of becoming more organised as adults. Before I had kids I regularly left dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher, turned up late constantly to the extend you'd have assumed I was time blind, left my washing for 10 days, etc - then I had two kids, realised this didn't work anymore and adjusted my lifestyle so I constantly tidy up around myself, wash clothes regularly (mostly theirs) and the flat is probably tidier now than beforehand / I'm definitely much more on time than beforehand. You need to get him to get onboard with improving his contribution - its like a muscle, the more you exercise it the more it becomes instinctive.

I have ADHD. I could be a bit scatty when it came to doing household tasks/being on time for things/getting on top of laundry etc.

Then I became a single mum to five school-aged kids. And I KNEW that if I didn't shape up I ran the risk of losing my kids. There was simply no question of people smiling and saying 'oh, she's so absent minded' if my kids were continually late for school with no lunchboxes in filthy uniforms. It would have been Social Services. So I shaped up. I wrote lists, I set alarms, I stayed up late to catch up with things that needed doing. There was nobody to catch me and everything to lose.

It is perfectly possible even with ADHD, to remember things, to do things in order and to keep up with stuff. It's just that a lot of men (particularly but not uniquely) know that someone else (usually but not uniquely a woman) will pick up the slack

I'd create a task list / rota for him, or with him. Print off, laminate and stick in a prominent place he'll see multiple times a day.

My advise would be for you (and us) to not solutionise this for him. If he has end to end responsibility for few and so minor / trivial / mundane tasks and he can’t even manage them what is his way forward to be an equal partner in your relationship…. Or perhaps he doesn’t see himself as your equal partner in which case it’s a different conversation.

Hmm. Sometimes it's less stressful if I do it all. I like having control over everything because I know it'll get done. If I rely on him for stuff I get more frustrated. Doesn't make it right, but it's less of a hassle in many ways.

As a result I don't work many hours and let him bring the money in.

and in these cases what ends up happening is after bedtime I spend all the time until I go to bed folding and putting away laundry, prepping his lunch box, tidying up etc.

Why can’t he do this, though?

I think he (not you) needs to make a weekly ‘to do’ list, broken down by day, and stick it somewhere prominent like the fridge. Then he needs to check it every day, at the same time. It should be tied to something that he has to do, like brushing his teeth (so stick it on the bathroom cabinet) or making a coffee (stick it on the required cupboard). And then he does that day’s tasks. Every day. No excuses.

IMO this is the best post on this thread.

I was married to someone like this (I worked FT and earned more money than he did) and I tried reasoning, explaining, shouting and crying. Nothing improved.

So I thought "sod this for a game of soldiers" and "downed tools" I let his shirts go un-ironed, his socks/pants fester on the bedroom floor. I even moved out into another bedroom because I couldn't stand 'the smell of his stinking socks and skid-marked pants.

I cooked and shopped for myself, and when he asked what was for tea I said "whatever you'd like to cook for us".

Eventually he had an affair, and I divorced him. I hope she's enjoying being a sexual house-keeper !

Sadly there are always females who will accommodate these type of men 🙄

OP, why are you only responding to the posters who are accepting your "quirky scientist" excuse and not the ones who know that it's bullshit and he's like this because he knows that you'll sort stuff out if he doesn't.

Mine has OCD, so is weirdly scrupulous about somethings but oblivious to whether his hair needs washing🙄. will empty& put bins out endlessly …even those that don’t need it so poor bin men have wasted journey to our unfilled bin🤷‍♀️.
I make signs or stick postitnotes everywhere, saves shouting.
maybe the cat will start to understand a special kind of sign 😊.

This.
You can bet if he did half a job/a shit job at work his manager would have something to say.

If he knows he struggles to remember everything that "doing the bins" entails then he can write a list on his phone and check it, and set an alarm to go off every week on the evening before the bins get collected. It's not rocket science.

And leaving used tissues on the side of the bed you share is just gross.

Please tell me that when you say "prepping his lunchbox" you mean the dc, not your husband?

Things like leaving his dirty clothes on the floor I'd just kick onto the floor of his (side of the) wardrobe -up to him to sort out or stress when he cant find them. I know it's probably easier to do a job lot of washing rather than getting him to do his separately but washing is all I'd do - once it's dry I'd chuck his stuff on his side of the bed - up to him to put away/decide what needs ironing and do it etc before he can go to sleep.

Other than that if the everyday chores that require doing often and "noticing" what needs doing are what he struggles with, you do more of those and he dedicates 2 evenings a week/sat morning or whatever to doing a load of the "big jobs" - hoovering the whole house, cleaning the bathrooms, batch cooking, mowing the lawn, etc. If it takes him absolutely ages to do it then tough luck - shut the door and watch a TV programme you like/have a bath/take the kids to their swimming lesson etc. The more he does it the faster he'll get.

I don't have a problem reminding hubby, it's a man thing based on majority of males in my extended family to. The reason I don't have a problem reminding or telling don't forget your cups, chuck your laundry in the wash, is the bin out is because in other things he is brilliant and if I didn't get sorry love omw or just nastiness back then I would view it differently but ye doesn't bother me

I don't know if my definition of the mental load is different to others, but what you are asking him to do is the basics. Things you can see with your eyes! Clear up your dirty tissues. Empty the dishwasher / empty the bins properly etc. You literally see it and do it kind of stuff. If he fails to empty the bins properly, thats him giving up sometime to take it to the rubbish tip. Would he leave dirty tissues around at work?

For me the mental load is about organising the stuff you can't always see. Kids dental appt, house insurance renewal etc, pay bills.

You are asking him to do the basics not the mental load (in my opinion).

And no, don't lower your standards!

Yep! And I also bet the vast majority of quirky high performing female scientists are able to perform basic household chores without being constantly reminded by their partner.

I hope my Army post made clear it’s his responsibility to learn. It’s called SELF discipline for a reason. Failing that we’ve been recommended something called goblin tools for my DD.

Look it up, it’s ace. Wish I’d had it as a teenager.

I cannot believe people argue about bins in a marriage.

My husband Is a bit like that and like you I get fed up with doing it all so I no longer pick up everything. Anything which is time dependent like putting bins out, sorting bills/insurances/birthday cards etc I do as if I have to remind him constantly it is still taking up space in my head. The rest like laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning if I don’t feel like doing it I won’t. Eventually he gets the message and steps in to do it but his standards are not like mine so I turn a blind eye. I cannot be bothered with the nagging any more. I also sometimes just let him sort out his own meals and don’t buy the stuff he likes not to be petty but because I don’t want him to assume I will always run round after him. Take today. I have been on an 8 mile hike and he has been at home all day. The kitchen needs wiping over and there is nothing in the fridge or freezer for dinner so I have got myself a cup of tea and will just have a baked potato with tuna and salad which he hates so he will need to go shopping. I guess he will remember about 6ish. It is weaponised incompetence but constantly running round after them just makes you resentful and they have no consequences to their laziness/incompotence. He is ADHD which can affect executive function so your DH may be the same especially if quirky. Being ND doesn’t give you an opt out from adulting though.

Outsource as much as you can, don't do pack lunches and let him put whatever he likes on his night stand

@avajamesbee just keep forgetting to wash his pants then apologise just like he does.

@avajamesbeeAs I read the list of ‘forgets to’, I wanted to replace each one with ‘doesn’t’. I suspect ‘ I forgot’ is his go-to excuse.

If a bathroom bin has a liner in it, that you remove to empty the rubbish, how can a functioning adult ‘forget’ to replace the liner? Answer - he can’t be bothered to go and get the new liner, so he doesn’t. But ‘I couldn’t be bothered’ is a step too far as a response for him, so he ‘forgets’.

If he used a smidge of his brain power, he would get the new bin liner and take it with him so the job was complete when he jettisoned the rubbish.
I’m sure every example of ‘forgetting’ could be reframed thus - might be more likely to happen if you withdraw your services for laundry etc.
I hope you manage to effect change.

How does he manage at work?

He needs to take some responsibility. What is HE doing to help manage the issue? He needs to have reminders on his phone as an example.