To be stressed out about DH and his portion of the "mental load"

[avajamesbee]

I have an extremely supportive DH who is amazing - very caring, dedicated father to our DC, an all-around great person. However, he can be quite absent minded, especially when it comes to the mental load through no fault of his own. I have to add that he is extremely intelligent as well and works in an industry at a very high level where this is quite typical - think in the lines of quirky scientists that everyone accepts are very absent minded and engulfed in their own world.

He works FT, I work PT but I run my own business so there's lots to think about on a daily basis and work for me often seeps into weekends etc. However, the fact that I am PT and I am more efficient at doing the life admin means that I've taken on almost everything - cooking, laundry, appointments, gifts, playdates, planning, the lot. If he were to take more on (which we've tried), what ends up happening is we have no free time left for us whatsoever as he just takes longer to do said things.

So now he has a few areas which are his domain - for example he does everything related to the trash, dishwasher. etc but the issue is, he still often forgets to do his bit and I end up having to remind him to do it (often several times) which stresses me out or I end up doing it myself, which makes me frazzled and exhausted trying to keep up with everything.

Examples are - on bin day he would forget to empty the bathroom bins, or he would empty them but forget to put bin liner in or he would forget to empty the paper recycling bins and they would be overflowing for the next couple of weeks until the next collection comes. He would forget to empty the general bin in the evenings, which means that I would either have to spend the next day trying to stuff more trash in an already full bin or have to do it myself amongst the myriad of other things I need to do. He usually empties the dishwasher in the morning before leaving for work, but occasionally he'd be running late and not do it or just forget. He has allergies so uses a lot of tissues which he forgets to throw away (leaves them on his nightstand instead). Occasionally he forgets to put away his dirty laundry and leaves it on the ground, or he'd forget to bring down his cups and glasses from the office.

We've discussed these things numerous times and he's always very apologetic. On the other hand I don't blame him as I know that he isn't doing it on purpose, it's just how his brain works but I can't help but get stressed and feel a bit resentful that I have to do everything. What also annoys me is that when I'm at home with DC after school, I try to fit in some of the things that need doing so that we can relax a bit after bedtime whereas he says he can't multitask so he gets to be 100% focused on DC when spending time with them, and in these cases what ends up happening is after bedtime I spend all the time until I go to bed folding and putting away laundry, prepping his lunch box, tidying up etc.

AIBU to get stressed out by this? What would you do in my situation - would you just accept that this is the reality and pick up the slack or try to implement some changes? Or should I just lower my standards and turn a blind eye to the mess? I really hate to be the nagging wife as well who's constantly reminding him "remember to do this" etc but I often have to be.

Bloody hell, he's got it made hasn't he?
He has managed to get a wife who thinks he's just far too intelligent, wonderful and 'quirky' to throw his snotty tissues in the bin!
Really, he needs to set up a Ted talk thingy so other men can pay him to find out what magic he used to suck you in and be so completely under his spell....
Take it from someone who hasn't met this 'amazing' man that he is taking you for one hell of a ride and you seem happy to go along with it.

Does he "forget" to do half his job when he's at work OP? What would his employer say about that? Honestly, this is all complete bullshit and weaponised incompetence and the worse thing is you've actually fallen for it.

Having worked with some of these "quirky, gifted, intelligent" types I can tell you that they're the same as everyone else in terms of not doing what they should do and have to be forced and managed to make sure they do, when they should.

Adopt the same at home if you want things done and don't put up with their nonsense.

Do not use the word "nagging" about yourself. All nagging is, is justified annoyance at someone failing to do what they should be doing.

It sounds like he is doing so little to contribute to the household/mental load that I can't believe that this is all personality based.

I have a personality that easily forgets and I struggle to tidy up as I go but I set myself reminders, use routine and tend to do one big tidy at certain points in the day rather than tidy as I go. I'm quite chaotic and can be prone to a bit of mess and forgetfulness. Just saying, there are ways that he can overcome these personality challenges he has even if it may be a struggle for him.

Ok, practical - his chores are those he can do at the start or the end of the day, and they are inviolate. So if that means getting up 30 minutes earlier, or going to bed 30 minutes later, so be it.

DH used to be terrible at managing lunch boxes foro the kids. I got annoyed I had to spoon feed him. On plus side, now he does it fine. I just did need to get him started.

I agree with a previous poster - he can do all the cleaning up at the end of the day, put a load of washing on, on a timer, for hanging up before he leaves for work. Lunch boxes and breakfast in the morning. Bins can be done at the end of every day too. Once a week that involves putting them out for the bin men as well.

Yes, I agree, however.....my husband is 75 yo and seems overall more competent.

Well, the thing that did it for me definitely won’t work for him!

I joined the Army Cadets and then the Army. The self discipline they instil in you is amazing but as I joined in the 90s the methods are no longer in favour! Basically it was fear, shouting, drill, drill, practice, practice, practice, fear, fear, shouting, PT as punishment, shouting, fear, drill, practice.

Before I commissioned I had a female WO2 standing nose to nose with me. Yes touching! Screaming and screaming at me for a transgression by another Gunner.

I had to get a grip on my personal admin, my field admin, my battle admin, my hygiene admin, everything just to make it through basic training. I did not want to be RTUd (the shame! Returned to unit)

My personal admin is now shit hot as a result.

IMO, you have to really negatively impact men before they change.

Stop cooking for them. Stop cleaning their clothes. Stop doing things to benefit them.

My DH drove to meet me in town with our DD's. He didn't bring their coats, but he was wrapped up warm in his. I demanded he took it off and I put it in the car. If he thought it was fine for the children, it is sure as hell fine for him. I will never be on the side of these feckless men.

Why be a martyr? Get them on school dinners if they’re too young to make their own packed lunch. If they’re secondary school age, they should be doing their own lunches.
I’m interested to know what hours each of you work out of the house and at home. If he is out of the house from 7.30am til 6.30pm every day, whilst you’re out 9 - 5 3 days a week, then I think you should be doing more.

My DH is a bit like this. My DH probably has ADHD, but feels he is a it old to do much about it. As he doesn't work as much as me, he does pick up quite a ot of housework. He is completely responsible for the washing, getting our DDs' clothes for the next day and the dishwasher.

I do almost all of the admin and I do find it frustrating when he asks me things like "which day do I have to drop DD1 to school?" Because it is always the same day each week and it just feels like he can't be bothered to remember. But I think he must not see the patterns in our lives and every day must be a confusion for him.

The thing I've done recently is put an A3 plan for the week on the fridge. It shows what kit and uniforms our DDs need each day. It's in lots of detail as it has to cover things like which week is which for DD1's 2 week timetable.

This has made me realise that I don't have to manage everything for him, so much as manage the bits that I find annoying. I'd be creating tick lists or process flows for the things that are most frustrating.

Are you American? If not, the word is rubbish.

people who struggle like this SOMETIMES have executive functioning issues which are often an indicator of ADHD.

if he has ADHD he needs to learn about how his brain works and how his executive functioning is letting him down. Dr Barkley has some fantastic material on this - I listen to Spotify podcasts but there are lots of other ways to access it.

if it is an executive functioning issue then he will struggle to work out the remedial action and then on top of this he will struggle to put it into place consistently, eg he will get better for a while and then revert back to old ways.

some ADHD brains have a little voice that tells them to cut corners. This may or may not be happening in your husbands brain. you are labelling it as forgetting when it’s actually impatience and the inability to do things in steps.

the best solution I have found is a reminder on a phone with a list of steps saved in the text part of the reminder. He will have to be very disciplined to open the reminder and let it interrupt whatever he is in the middle of. Some ADHD brains cant cope with interruption.

he will be completely unaware of all the little things you do and have no idea what mental load feels like.

if he has come from a dysfunctional family he may start to belittle what you. It depends on the severity of his condition - in severe ADHD taking responsibility is a massive issue.

the other option if he doesn’t have ADHD is that hes a bit arrogant and doesn’t see mental load as important.

You know that saying “Why have a dog and bark yourself?” Your husband has decided who can do all the barking in your house. He’s far too clever and quirky to be bothered with such trivial things as putting his snotty tissues in a bin, it’s beneath him, but not apparently beneath you.

Make a list of all (if any) tasks he DOES manage to remember.

Next to those tasks, write down who benefits most from them.

If he isn’t going to step up, can you farm out some of it? Cleaner, send ironing to a service once a fortnight, maybe use a co-parenting app (designed for separated parents, but equally useful for engaging a second parent over matters like booking and attending parents evenings, doing school pick ups etc so that it takes up less headspace)?

I voted YABU. I think I pick up the slack for dh in similar ways but he equally picks up the slack for me as well in other areas, like making packed lunches, walking the dog and getting homework done. Is everything really as one sided as you think?

Does he behave like this at work?

YANBU.

Can you pick something he's supposed to do, but doesn't, that will make him uncomfortable, but won't have too much of an effect on you. And just leave it.

Let him fail.

Alternatively, "forget" to do something that's on your list.

works in an industry at a very high level where this is quite typical - think in the lines of quirky scientists that everyone accepts are very absent minded and engulfed in their own world.

This is a really untrue stereotype. Most of the very high-powered scientists I know (professors who discover important stuff like vaccines etc) are scarily business-like and organised.

Also, the things you describe aren't really mental load to me. Mental load is making sure everyone is in the right place at the right time, appointments don't get missed, and bills get paid. Putting in a fresh bin liner is not mental load.

Hotels create detailed lists for their employees to check and tick off. Get him to create the list (eg on x night empty bins in xyz rooms, place new liner in bins, take rubbish outside, put bin on road, bring bin in)

you shouldn’t need to do the list, he is capable, but check that he has not missed anything off.

Classic weaponised incompetence.

My husband is similar and what has worked for us is the opposite of what others have suggested - he does the time-sensitive tasks that can't be forgotten or ignored, because that way he can't forget or ignore them.

In our case, that means he is responsible for all the food shopping and all cooking. It's a big enough job that it relieves a lot of mental load on me, if he has to go to the shop at an inconvenient time because he's forgotten to go, well he has to suck that up and go.

Then I do the stuff that's less time sensitive or less frequent, and then it still gets done.

Yes you’re right.

This would be my natural personality (quirky scientist or “nutty professor” type, even though I’m not a scientist) and I have to work very hard not to be, both at home and work.

I’ve forced myself to be very organised at home, as otherwise it would all fall apart. It was very hard when I was married as we both had a tendency to want to be the “star” personality who was slightly above day to day mundanity. Long story short, I made the effort to do what was needed, he didn’t.

Its the same at work, I’ve had to work very hard not to be just the “ideas person” but to get into the detail of things, be organised and make things happen (not just suggest things). I’ve noticed that as you get more senior people are more accommodating of “scattiness” but I still make the effort.

It’s very annoying when people - either a partner or colleagues - sit back in the role of “nutty professor”

Edit- just to be clear, I’m not talking about actual scientists or professors, my job is not in those fields. I’m just talking about the stereotype. People of course accommodate it much more in men than women.

I'm guessing he never lived alone otherwise he would know how to run a house!

Funny that it seems often assumed that women automatically know how to do this-& bring up kids!

I think you gotta lower the standards, men care less about some of these things such a cleaning tasks because they are programmed to be better at other things. Sometime you gotta go with the flow, planning less, doing less, isn't always a bad thing.

Man alert.