When do mothers stop having playdates for themselves?

[Tripletoad]

When does mothers going on playdates with other mothers actually stop?

When are children allowed to choose their own friends?

that's great you are able to see the benefit of allowing your child to choose their friendships and be in control of who they want over.
This is what you'd expect as it's in the bestinterest of the child but some do the opposite.

Give over those saying they've never witnessed it.

For example, 75% ethnic minorities at school yet at their smaller birthday parties for close friends of children of such social climbing mothers it'll be just something like 5% if that.

What do you mean ‘give over’? Why are we expected to accept your experience as true, but you won’t accept ours as true?

Also, are you the OP? Have you name changed?

Because read the OP, it doesn't answer it and it isn't helpful, rarely is it done in good faith.

Nobody says your experience isn't valid. May be you are the one doing it so have never seen it.

Well I know that’s not the case, so try again. I spent many a play date when mine were younger making polite conversation with parents I had nothing in common with because my children got on with theirs. Mine also have friends from all different backgrounds.
I haven’t witnessed what you describe. If you don’t believe me, then 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also, why have you name changed mid thread?

Good to know it happens.

No idea where you live, but I don’t know any Mums who arranged play dates around their ‘Social ambitions’. I’m not sure I know exactly what that is supposed to mean.

My sons play dates were based around his own friendships at school and neither Mums or Dads attended. I would just message the Mum of his friend and say ‘Does Charlie/James want to come round to play at ours after school on Friday’

I knew what some of the Mums did for a living and those who didn’t work or were stay at home parents, but that never had any bearing on which child got invited and which ones didn’t. Not a brag, but I didn’t need to use any of the Mums for any kind of social ambitions - I had a better paid job than all of the Mums I knew (again - the kids weren’t invited round based on what their parents did for a living).

The only place I knew this kind of silliness went on was with the ex-pat (immigrant) wives in Abu Dhabi and Dubai where my sister worked as a teacher. Some of the Mums would ensure they made friends with the other Mums whose husbands had the best paid jobs or the most senior roles.

Did that happen the other way round too. (Not being today - just asking about your experiences.)

If an child from an ethnic minority background had a party, did they invite mainly other kids from an ethnic minority background.

In my sons primary class, there was one child whose family were originally from Bangladesh and one from China. They always got invited to parties (big or small) because they were my sons friends. He is still friends with them now - lovely lads.

However, senior school was very different, unfortunately. His school was 50% white British and 50% Asian/ethnic minority background. I was hoping that everyone would mix, but both groups stuck to their own background groups.

That should have said ‘not being goady’ rather than ‘today’ 😂

I do think you’re right. In Y3 we had a play date with most kids in the class as almost everyone was new and came from different schools. All the parents did this. As parents we got to see if the child was a good fit for ours. Nothing intense, but I didn’t want rude, naughty children back. I went along with what my dc decided. By Y4 the kids had found their little friendship groups.
I think a big part of it was the parents as well. Anyone who just was on a different planet to me (best way to describe it), I could see our kids not building solid friendships.
i look at the friend groups in my dc class and they seem to be very well suited. The parents are friends too.
I do weekly coffees with my dc friends mums too. It helps when you’re all aligned in the same parenting styles as well.

Honestly, I am surprised you think this is unusual. It isn't.

Around Year 2 for us, which has made me sad.

I used to enjoy playdates as it was social interaction for me as well...as an introvert the school gates are a little overwhelming but one-to-one I like chatting to the other parents. But I invited my DDs best friend round a few weeks ago and his mum dropped him off then went out shopping so I was left looking after 2 lively, excited 6 year olds for a couple of hours. I hated it as I don't like having to control other people's misbehaving children 😆 So we haven't done another playdate since. And I can't leave my DD at someone's house as she has a medical condition. I might just stick to the out and about so the parents have to go type thing.

I still stay with my older child at playdates unless I know the hosting parent well because quite frankly my kid can be a pain in the arse and I don't want to leave him with anyone who isn't capable and happy to deal with that. I have started leaving him with parents I know well who are able to squish him without too much bother with the caveat "Call me if he's being a nuisance and I'll be round asap to pick him up".

Personally I don't find playdates particularly enjoyable as a parent and I'm certainly not doing them to advance my social life. I smile politely, make friendly conversation and am grateful for a cup of coffee. Hopefully I have sufficient social skills to make it seem like I am enjoying the company of the other adult(s) and more than occasionally, since the parents of my children's friends are mostly very nice people (it's just that I'm naturally introverted), I do find myself enjoying their conversation and having actual fun.

My DC has been at school for a number of years now, we have attended and hosted countless class parties, attended school plays, other school events, volunteered for school fairs and class trips and attended and helped with fundraising events. I know most of the other mums, and quite a few of the dads, very well by this stage. We help each other, pick up each other' kids, give lifts, share information.

I know it's usual on MN to deride other parents outside the school dates as "school mums" and not important and not real friends and all that, but at the stage we're at in life with our kids, these people are our "peer group" in much the same way as their children are our DC's peer group. Like all peer groups, there are those we like more and those we like less but we share a bond with all of them.

Let's put it this way - my "real" friends (from BC ("before children")) aren't queuing up to drop my kid home when I'm running late or trek out to some godforsaken soft play to celebrate his birthday on a Saturday morning.

Kids are fickle and our children's friendships are up-and-down. But regardless of who's playing with who that week, there are some parents who are reliable, always turn up and offer help if you need it. And even if our kids aren't presently best buddies, it's always nice to have a coffee and a chat with those parents.

What!? A year 6 kid can't go round to a friends or play out without a parent also being there?

Have i read that correctly? A dc who is almost secondary school age?

I think you need to rethink your social groups OP. There are very few people in the world like this and you presume all women do this!? Don't you know any genuine nice people? Yes if the mother wants to befriend another mother she is engineering the child's social life a bit, then so what, this lasts for about 2 years only. If I'm going to sit and chat to another woman in my house for 2 hours I'm going to invite someone I want to hang out with. Once they are about 5 parents have little influence and it's usually a drop and collect situation.

My children knew to tidy up before getting everything out not that they couldn't play but tidy bits first, we have had friends around with children who break things and didn't have them around again or told my children we can only have x toys out today. Can the children play in your living room maybe instead.

Wow, playdates around "social ambitions"...that is where I was going wrong! I should have been asking what kind of house they had rather than deciding fake tan and stilettos at the school gates probably meant they weren't my bag.

Many years ago in the 90s after they age of about 6 , the other parent just picked them up from school and then we would pick them up after tea, so about 6pm.
Mind you all the parties were drop and run then, l can't think of anything worse than sitting in a house making small talk. Surely the joy of playsates is you get some peace and then give the other parent the same the next week?

This started to happen in reception/ year 1 for my kids and their class mates. Just text the parent asking does your DC want to come and play on X day? If you want to drop them off at 10 and collect at 2pm that would be great

I think you've watched too much Amandaland: this is an incredibly cynical perspective on it.

Sure, there are some sharp elbowed people who do this. But ultimately young children need some supervision on playdates. That requires the parents to socialise with other parents. Over time parents will naturally gravitate towards some parents who they more in common with than others. If that means that sometimes there's a degree of self-interest in playdates, that's showbiz. Parents of primary age children are usually tired and often crave adult friendships. You're not going to willingly spend hours with people you dislike or find tiresome.

Ultimately though children will choose their own friendships and as they get older the connection between child friendships and adult friendships weakens.

There's always a degree of self-interest in most socialising. People don't do it out of pure altruism. Whether you're making friends because you're a social climber or because you're bored and lonely, ultimately there has to be something in it for you. I don't see that trying to strike up friendships with compatible parents is any worse than people trying to build networks at work.