When do mothers stop having playdates for themselves?

[Tripletoad]

When does mothers going on playdates with other mothers actually stop?

When are children allowed to choose their own friends?

I used to work with a social climber. Not a maternal bone in her body but kept spitting out kids every 4 years and used them all for networking.

You'll think I'm making this up but she conceived #4 within 6 weeks of Princess of Wales (Catherine) announcing her first pregnancy in the hope her DD might go to the same Uni as them 😂.

Every playdate was careful selected with our local (very) minor celebrities e.g the family who had some connection to a national football player, family with a Dr. where the Mum was a lady who lunches, the affulent couple who appeared to have it all but were screwed when HMRC finally nailed them for not paying tax on their business for years etc.

What was more amusing though was watching it all fall apart when playdate kids went off to the private schools and hers were left behind in the council playground. Forced friendships all tailed off and now her kids are mostly grown up she's no higher up the social ladder than she was before. Her poor husband gave up in the end and moved out and kids mostly stay with him now.

😂 this is hilarious, perfect illustration. And they are always obvious

Ah you mean the children who will grow enough soon to be children of the 'school parent mafia' that is so poplular on here to complain about and stress over wit their secret meetings on how to upset other parents becasue life is not busy enough, a hobby might be better time spent

Personally once our child could walk the groups felt 50% for me and them but weirdly I did not squeeze drama out of them same as at the school gates we all just felt normal parents, some I liked some not so much like any group in life

I don't care if a mum is on benefits, single parent, disorganized, struggling or put together, amazingly well presented and opportunities beyond that never entered my head. Where the heck do you live? My main barrier for having mum friends round is my little dog is a barky maniac and my house is always upside down. Having kids round? No problem, I'm pretty sure they don't care about the mess and I can pre arrange to send the dog out for a walk with my husband or to my mil for the night. Are you struggling to make friends op or is your child?

This is a widespread myth on here, usually most strongly believed in by those who struggle to make and keep friends, and see ‘cliques’ and ‘exclusions’ everywhere,

No we live somewhere quite nice, I'm exaggerating, parents want to see where their kids will be playing and vet families for concerns because that's normal is what I mean. There are 30 kids in a class, I work so I only really meet mums who are doing pick ups the same day I'm off or that my child is particularly friends with theirs. So it's a new friend to his group of friends because P3 seems to be causing a friendship group restructure

Some time in the early part of primary school I think. At least as far as visits to each others houses are concerned.

I think we still met in the park etc sometimes in the early part of juniors, so year 3/4 (is that P4 ish)

In the holidays just gone, I did organise a day out with another family even though our boys are now aged 11 - it was so nice but haven’t done that for a few years.

This isn’t something I’ve noticed in my area. My kids made friends at nursery, and once other parents realised our kids were friends they would invite us round for a play date (and vice versa) for the sake of the kids. Some of the other mums I clicked with, others I didn’t so much. By school age they were usually solo play dates for the children (an hour or two after school usually). Now my older 2 are 12 and 10 it’s mainly just a stream of kids turning up on the doorstep.

this definitely sounds like a private school / posh area issue! In our area the houses are all pretty identical 3/4 bed semis and the parents all have similar mid-manager level jobs. Only “engineering” I’ve seen is where a couple of parents sadly don’t really parent their kids and they’ve become a bit feral as a result, so lots of parents steer their kids clear of these children as their behaviour is very difficult to manage. Nothing to do with social climbing though. They live in a similar house and have similar jobs to the rest of us!

Not something I've noticed here either,

I have parents of Ds friends who I am friends with and am happy to stay for a cuppa or glass of wine with, and some parents where I drop him off and say right see you in a couple of hours bye!

There are some children who, yes I will try to put a stop to the friendship, or not facilitate it outside of school, but this is because I know those kids have 0 boundaries around things like being online, having phones and unlimited access, being allowed to stay out until gone 8pm etc - they're 9 and these aren't values I want pushing on my child. nothing to do with the parents social status.

Have you had your fingers burnt OP? I’d say you’ve been unlucky. Most parents aren’t like this. Unless you live in Chelsea or Hampstead or something!

Reception around here. I'd make sure I knew the mother/father at least to say hello to, but then playdates were solo. If I was worried about a situation for some reason, I'd say we were busy.

That said, I did become friends with quite a few mums from primary school. As time went on though, these were mainly not the parents of my children's friends.

School age. It's lovely now as you get a couple of hours to yourself to catch up on household tasks

It’s mad you feel so strongly about someone else’s choices tbh!
DC is Yr6, playdates have been few and far between probably because they were at a school that we didn’t live locally to and everyone else did. Now at a different school that is much more local and invites to ‘hang’ are way more forthcoming, maybe a nicer group of people or maybe just less of a faff cos we are now local?
Either way, kids choose their own friends and meet ups are facilitated if it fits in with overall plans. No idea what anyone’s parents do other than the farmers (they live on a farm so that was obvious!) and the mum who is a dog groomer and drives a van with it written on the side.

Mine are at private school and it’s not something I’ve noticed! We’re probably in the bottom 5% of families income wise (and even lower status wise!) but my kids have always been invited to plenty of play dates (with me included when they were very young).
The only kids/parents I’ve avoided having round here are the ones who are known to be particularly badly behaved. Sometimes we’ve had someone round and then not invited them again because of rudeness/bad behaviour etc. Nothing to do with social engineering though.

Think you need to move house OP. It’s been a while since I had a child having play dates but not one word of this do I recognise. I guess there were families you would hope your DC didn’t become friends with, but that was because they were beyond rough, on the side of neglectful.

This thread is enlightening to me. Maybe it's being an older mum with an established social.circle but I would never have considered organising a play date for my own purposes and ensure my husband can stay with the kids of I want to socialise.
I meet up with a couple.of friends with children because theirs get on with mine but honestly it all sounds such hard work!

I guess I'm lucky not to be so isolated I need to do that.

Seriously??? Where do you live?
I mean, obviously while they are still primary school age I would have chatted to the parents before my children went there to play, but I wouldn't expect parents to stay beyond reception age really. Sometimes they would, if we were friends or hoped to become friends, but then the arrangement would be different. If 6 year old DD said "can X come to play after school" then I wouldn't be expecting mum or dad to come too (but would obviously contact them to arrange)

Some parents are just far too needy I know someone who arranges everything for her 13 year old, she was leader of playground mummy mafia and goes on all the play dates.

Yep… I was very confused when we first moved here (and a bit put out at having to unexpectedly feed the grown up/s). The first few times I assumed it was because they didn’t know me well or that it was just that particular person. But now I know this is very much the norm, so I get adult snacks in beforehand.

It's just an observation that kids often ask for playdates but mum decides which ones will be facilitated and very often it's only the ones where the mother is essentially facilitating playdates for herself, because she wants to be friends with the mother herself, because of the jobs, houses, class and other things to advance her social climbing.
Genuine friendships aren't supported, the kids needs aren't met, kids get message they aren't important. It just routinely seems to happen all around.

Assuming that the children know each other from school, then surely they're all friends anyway regardless of how many playdates are organised outside class time? The mothers aren't forcing them to play with kids they hate. You wrote yourself that it's a requested play date and the mums are simply deciding which invitations to accept or reciprocate.

Some degree of social engineering is always going to happen when kids are too young to make their own decisions. You seem to assume the only single purpose is social climbing but I think that many parents instinctively prefer their children to have friends who are happy, innocent and have all of their needs met at home. This is absolutely NOT saying that all kids from less well-off families are problematic. However in the absence of knowing more about other families aside from a few glimpses at the school gates, most parents will gravitate towards the families which have the most obvious class signifiers.

A wealthy family with both parents happily married and lots of support from grandparents and staff is most likely going to produce happier children. A family living on the poverty line with lots of trauma and abuse is an environment that may not be conducive to producing happy kids. A lot of parents may not be interested in social climbing but they are picky about who their children spend time with outside school and if that environment is safe for them.

I would argue that the "popular mums" are not the ones who have most money (although this frequently overlaps) but the ones who appear most trustworthy and eager to host their children's friends. I personally hate tracking down the "I'm too good for the school Whatsapp chat" type of mums. DD may request a playdate but it's a red flag for me if a mum can't even be arsed to let the parents of their children's friends have a way of contacting them.

This is my dream too. I mean maybe it counts as socially ambitious as I’m ambitious to be social?

To answer the OPs question, we stopped staying for play dates somewhere around y2. Once the kids are happy to be left, basically.

I think Covid skewed my experience - DD was at nursery, and we'd done maybe one or two playdates with coffee for mum, then nothing until she started school.

There are definitely children she wants to have over whose parents I don't particularly gel with, and by quiet mutual consent the parents tend not to come. And there are also children whose parents I like, so I'll see a playdate as a chance for us to have a pleasant catch-up too. I wouldn't do it if she didn't like the child, though!

The only examples I can think of where it really is more about my pre-existing friendships are when I host my good friend and her daughter - my friend is DD's godmother and I'm her DD's godmother. Luckily the children do get on (they are the same age), but frankly, if they didn't, they'd have to lump it occasionally, because we adults have known each other a good bit longer than we've had children!

I don't think it's about needy/not needy - it's about the fact that sometimes a social event is primarily for the child, and sometimes it's also for the adults. If DD didn't get on with my goddaugther, I'd expect her to cope with the odd visit she wasn't particularly enjoying, just as I've coped with the odd awkward coffee with a mum I have nothing in common with.

You've just reminded me one of my mum friends our 2 eldest were so close during COVID we bubbled with them and saw them daily, drinking coffee in the rain in freezing cold parks, we bought flasks FFS.

Our 2 youngest are also the same age, they are ,4, I've never known 2 young children dislike each other so much. I'm not talking fighting or anything just you can almost see them each role their eyes at everything the other does, it's mad

I know what you are saying, the other mothers aren't disengaged or problematic, just different in some ways or just doesn't interest them as a potential friend for the mother.

My whole point that this isn't meeting the needs of the child and such parental behaviour is actually neglectful of the needs of the child.

Their kids aren't well adjusted typically. Some start receiving therapy or pastoral support in primary school.

On a few occasion the homes although affluent but doubt the kids are yreated well and this is reflected in their behaviour yet this is overlooked because the friendship is of benefit to the other mother. They are drawn to other mothers with similar set ups, almost like it's them hiding something.

What's in the OP describes literally blatant social climbing widely witnessed and I'm not sure why try and turn it on its head and suggest my interpretation is false compared to that of strangers on the Internet and be the devil's advocate.