ND child, mother in laws opinions

[Yukoayh]

DH and I have been married for 12 years, we have two kids 7 and 3. The 3yo is undiagnosed but quite clearly autistic (lots of issues, hard child to parent etc) he is currently on the never ending list for an assessment.

We both work for the NHS on low bands so we receive Uc top up every month. We also rent our house from my in laws.

I’ve always gotten on well with said in laws, they are the type that can never do enough for you, always go overboard at christmas and would help us out at the drop of a hat.

However my relationship with them has changed since having DS2. From the very start he was a hard baby and this put a lot of strain on my marriage. DH spend a few nights in the doghouse at theirs. Every time this happened MIL would give me the silent treatment for a few weeks (usually she texts regularly) even if it was my DH in the wrong… which it always was.

Also DS2 was always developmentally not quite where he should be, however inlaws always refused to acknowledge/believe this. They see the behaviour and you can see the judgy look on MIL face and she has even said “hes just a naughty child” we decided about a year ago to stop speaking to them about his development / asd pathway because their comments were not helpful.

Now DS2 is almost 4 we are starting to see even more ND in him and starting to think about how school will look, what extra support he might need etc, so with support of his nursery, childminder and HV I applied for DLA. To my surprise we got it, and we got high rate care. We agreed not to tell in laws as they won’t understand.

When I was out on Thursday my MIL came round to see my DH. he admitted they’ve now fallen out because he showed her we had brought a new fridge freezer and she asked “why have you got so much money” (we got a new fridge freezer and we hired a skip 🤣) to which -for some reason- he told her about the DLA.
She went mad questioning him “Why do you have to label him” “he needs stricter boundaries” etc and then she asked how does a new fridge help our son…

Apparently my husband held his own but honestly I am livid.
I now feel incredibly uncomfortable living in their house, or having anything to do with them quite honestly. AIBU to consider moving out because of this?

This is odd OP, if you don’t want anything to do with in-laws, why send your DH to spend the night there when you’ve argued? You’re literally sending him there to bitch about you. Also a very immature way to deal with that situation. They have got a point, DLA money should not be spent on a new fridge. The highest amount should go to children with very high needs, not to brag to your friends and family about shiny new posessions. Many parents with children with severe needs go without.

She is overstepping by commenting on your child and parenting. Renting from then doesn't give them any more right to comment, however you might want to think about getting your own place it you think that contributes so them thinking they have the right to comment.

My understanding is that DLA should be spent on the child and supporting their needs, however that still doesn't give her the right to comment.

It obviously muddies the waters if your husband is having to spend nights there, therefore it is affecting them as well. If you want them to keep out then you should think about separating yourselves from them a bit.

If you don’t want them involved in your marriage don’t involve them. Keep your arguments to yourselfs equally don’t tell them about your finances. He could have fobbed her off saying it was on sale or display model.
The ignorance around disabilities is down to lack of knowledge. Explain the benefits of diagnosis interms of support in school, ensuring you are parenting is right for him and for him to better understand himself when he is older. Be clear it’s not a negative he is who is and diagnose doesn’t change that but it helps you understand better.

The purpose of DLA isn’t to purchase a fridge freezer or hire a skip OP.

It’s to spend on your child.

Are you renting at normal rate for the property or are they, or at least feel they are, doing you a big favour by charging them less? If you think the arrangement is giving them too much influence then yes, get your own place.

DH shouldn’t be slinking off to his parents when the two of you fall out. Be the adults you are and sort things out between you rather than involving other people. Like renting from them, it’s possibly infantilising you as a couple.

Exactly. This is why welfare benefits need to be looked at again. People wasting taxpayers funds. Makes me sick.

So did he tell her you bought the fridge freezer and hired the skip using the DLA money? Is that true?

I mean surely you see that disabled child money isn't for a skip or white goods?!

All these sanctimonious comments about DLA being "for the chiiiiiild".

Well, obviously.

Here's a thought for the pearlclutchers among us. OP and her DH have been meeting their ASD child's needs from their income right up to now. The DLA will now be covering those costs, leaving them with more of their non-DLA income available to spend on whatever the fuck they choose. Including a fridge or a skip.

And, shocking thought - even kids NEED fridges for all the bloody yoghurt and berries they scarf.

FML.

If they are subsidising the family through the low rent then they have the right to question finances.

Perhaps they are now able to use dla money to provide for the child's needs and have can use the money that they were spending on a ff? People are always so quick to judge (as it seems are your ils) sending dh there after a row is crazy though.

Why are people concentrating on the fridge? Look at it that op can afford the fridge out of her own income because the dla is used for the child.
It is a bit odd that ops dh goes to his parents after a row that definitely needs to stop.
I don't think you need to move unless they keep throwing it in your face. Just tell mil you will have to agree to disagree about your son and you're not discussing it any more.

Your MIL is being daft, I’m probably older than her so won’t blame her age but has she had opportunities to learn about developmental differences and more up to date understanding of the issues families face?
I might try to have an open conversation with her/ your family though if she’s being bloody minded don’t bother.

re the fridge/freezer: if OP has been managing with an old fridge with a tiny freezer compartment a new one with more space for bulk buying or batch cooking can make all the difference by cutting down on the frequency of shopping trips etc.
All this then freeing up the time parents have to spend with both their children.
We have to always be aware that not all lives are the same.

Both of you need to make sure MIL isn't involved in your marriage.
Going forwards this means she doesn't know when you have had a row, doesn't know your income or what you are going to spend money on.

If she can't see your DS as other than naughty I'd limit her updates about him to stuff an outside professional has said.

You don't know they are though.

Tell that to people who burn through washing machines because their disabled child is doubly incontinent, drools constantly, and goes through multiple outfits, bed pads and sheets a day, and also need a dryer for the same laundry because there is just too much to feasibly dry otherwise.

It's always best to think before you speak.

Exactly this. You're both involving them unnecessarily.

Also, you sound like a good, attuned parent to your younger child. Best wishes with the diagnosis pathway etc.

The people are far too enmeshed in your private business. Keep your marital issues between the two of you, finances private.
Find housing that means you're not dependent on them, and your husband can take his kids to see his relatives if he wants, no need to give it a moment of thought.

Your MIL is ignorant, and of the generation that thinks admitting any developmental issue is something to be ashamed of.

You've done the right thing, ceasing to discuss your ds with her. Your dh needs to learn to field her queries with non-committal answers too.

I'd be wary of allowing her to care for your little one. She doesn't have the understanding to do so competently.

Dla is for the disabled childs needs like therapy, or replacing items they have broken etc… which might be why theyve questioned it? That said if you dont want them involved maybe its time to move out of their house?
Long as your renting for them, you will always be dependent on them.

Well renting from them does mean boundaries are easier to cross but mostly this is an information issue - and your DH is the leak.

Dh stopping over with them after a row - it gives them information there are issues and a chance to get involved.

I would correct idea your splashing cash on home improvements - and correct that to saying we getting help with DS needs now so our finaces are less stretched than prior. In future don't explain money and do not invite comments and get DH on side with that.

Moving out will cost money - so if you do that make sure you are not cutting off your nose for a short term issue. Otherwise in regards to ND I'd say the experts who've seen him say - x and just repeat - broken record.

This is difficult. It does sound like MIL does not understand ND and her input on your son’s behaviour and needs is unhelpful.

But you are very enmeshed in their lives and you live in their house so it sounds like you do benefit from being close to them in other ways.

I would try to just accept that they can’t offer much support and understanding regarding your DS and try and compartmentalise. There is some support they are able to offer and other support they are not able to offer and you and DP need to accept that.

If it really doesn’t work then you might find you have to move.

Wow once again ridiculous ableist posts aplenty on this thread! Why the hell should OP and her husband not buy a new fridge or hire a skip?
They will have been meeting their DS’s additional needs out of pocket from birth until now. Do any of you know how fucking expensive having a disability can be? Not to mention the fact that the DS most likely does benefit hugely from a fridge freezer and a tidy home!

If you haven’t got something constructive to say shut the fuck up and go educate yourselves.

Op sorry you’re getting such a shit time of it on here. I would go back to giving her minimal information. Is it possible to move and rent privately? That way at least you won’t feel any obligation to give her a shred of information.

I would argue the child who claims DLA benefits from a fridge freezer that works properly and a house that isn’t cluttered with crap (the purpose of the skip presumably). It just so happens the rest of the family also benefit from those things too. It’s hardly akin to spending the DLA money on blackjack and hookers.

Regarding your in-laws, I would make it my aim to not live in a home that is connected to them going forward. It’s always messy involving family with things like loans, money and a roof over your head. Best to separate those things completely. I don’t think other people have a right to comment on your parenting, but when they have a hold over you like your in-laws do, they think they have that right.

Good luck with the assessment pathway going forward. It’s not fun.

Agree with everything you’ve said. The lack of empathy or basic understanding some people have is depressing but not surprising.