ND child, mother in laws opinions

[Yukoayh]

DH and I have been married for 12 years, we have two kids 7 and 3. The 3yo is undiagnosed but quite clearly autistic (lots of issues, hard child to parent etc) he is currently on the never ending list for an assessment.

We both work for the NHS on low bands so we receive Uc top up every month. We also rent our house from my in laws.

I’ve always gotten on well with said in laws, they are the type that can never do enough for you, always go overboard at christmas and would help us out at the drop of a hat.

However my relationship with them has changed since having DS2. From the very start he was a hard baby and this put a lot of strain on my marriage. DH spend a few nights in the doghouse at theirs. Every time this happened MIL would give me the silent treatment for a few weeks (usually she texts regularly) even if it was my DH in the wrong… which it always was.

Also DS2 was always developmentally not quite where he should be, however inlaws always refused to acknowledge/believe this. They see the behaviour and you can see the judgy look on MIL face and she has even said “hes just a naughty child” we decided about a year ago to stop speaking to them about his development / asd pathway because their comments were not helpful.

Now DS2 is almost 4 we are starting to see even more ND in him and starting to think about how school will look, what extra support he might need etc, so with support of his nursery, childminder and HV I applied for DLA. To my surprise we got it, and we got high rate care. We agreed not to tell in laws as they won’t understand.

When I was out on Thursday my MIL came round to see my DH. he admitted they’ve now fallen out because he showed her we had brought a new fridge freezer and she asked “why have you got so much money” (we got a new fridge freezer and we hired a skip 🤣) to which -for some reason- he told her about the DLA.
She went mad questioning him “Why do you have to label him” “he needs stricter boundaries” etc and then she asked how does a new fridge help our son…

Apparently my husband held his own but honestly I am livid.
I now feel incredibly uncomfortable living in their house, or having anything to do with them quite honestly. AIBU to consider moving out because of this?

Thankyou.
Sense at last.

There are no specific instructions on how to use disability benefits.
And if people don't like that, they can contact their MP.

I genuinely have no idea what you're trying to say here. It may be that you've expressed it poorly, as I'm confused. What boundaries do you mean? That I'm not allowed to pay bills with the money we receive because I now work less due to my child's disabilities? Is this the sort of boundary you mean? I'll work full-time & have no DLA if you can take away DS's disabilities. Our lives would be radically different, utterly carefree in comparison.

No matter if you have family in a similar situation, you have ZERO idea what it's like 24 hours a day. My sisters don't even fully understand what it's like: you need to live it.

So your MIL came around but you are living in their house?

Theres nothing wrong with spending a childs disability benefits on a fridge-freezer, the child is obviously going to need to eat!

Many people on the autism spectrum live useful employed lives. There are certain branches of sciences where to be on the spectrum would be more usual than not. My family members certainly pay plenty of tax. Other people have told me about grandparents wilfully trying to pretend there is nothing wrong. I don't understand it myself but I think they would rather pretend a child is naughty rather than different and the unpleasant to them thought that their genetic inheritance to their child possibly contributed to the autism in their grandchild. Autism is a multi gene thing with a strong genetic family component. I think your husband needs to shut up and stop running home to his parent when you have a quarrel. I don't see anything wrong in having a reliable household appliance and a tidier house. I think that the baying mothers of neurotypical children wouldn't change places with the parent of an autistic child for the amount of DLA that OP receives. Your "normal" child or a fridge-freezer?

Exactly, I know what you mean.
Here's an example for people who have ZERO idea.

Our DS (adult now and in supported living) was extremely challenging to the point where you couldn't even get out of the front door without using well planned "strategies"

We also had a DD just a little older.
After a battle with SS we managed to get occasional weekend respite.

The first respite weekend when the three of us went out together, we literally didn't know what to do!! We were STUNNED and absolutely lost, without the constant strategies, battles, upset and meltdowns.

For the first time in years we were able to look at the menu in a cafe and actually read it. We could talk to each other. We could relax and eat our meal. We could walk along the street without meltdowns.
We could stand in the foyer of the cinema and discuss films.
DD could have friends round without them being attacked.

That's when we realised the enormous strain being put on the whole family and all the DLA in the world couldn't help with that.

Obviously we love him to bits but the stress has caused long term illnesses and greatly affected DD's childhood.

She is overstepping. Massively. Your finances are absolutely none of her business and she has no place or reason to ask how you have 'so much money'. That's the first red flag.
I also had the 'need more boundaries', 'be strict', 'if they don't eat what's given they get nothing else' etc. Lo and behold my wonderful DC was diagnosed autistic. Thriving now I know what's best for them. Ignore ignore ignore all comments regarding your DC. You know them best.

I could have written this. We're in the trenches at the moment. It's school week here, I'm 2 days in & crying in the kitchen whilst his older brother games with him to try & regulate him (not his responsibility, but he's almost 19 & sees what it does to me). I'm thankful for small mercies.

We have no respite. I can't imagine him coping without us there every moment- despite loving every inch of him, the thought of retirement when he's an adult makes me so sad. How did you even manage to get an assisted living space?

Sadly, DS finally had to go into care. He was injuring too many people including DD.
Absolutely heartbreaking....

From care, he was then placed into supported living.
This was fifteen years ago. We see him regularly and there are no more injuries, although he has damaged the door to his room on occasion.

But he's doing well and a lovely young man, when all said and done.

I wish you all the best, it's so difficult

Not sure why every one is upset because you bought a new fridge/freezer with the funds.
I'm guessing your old one wasn't working properly and you needed a new one. (notice I put needed not wanted)
I have 2 autistic boys and having a decent fridge is important to our family, as we need to have the fridge/freezer to keep their favourite foods in. As I tend to buy in bulk when on sale.
Do you have to report what you spend your funds on?, but I have to send in reports of what I have spent my funds on.

Yes, think about moving but wait till you've got more info about your son's needs to help with finding the right kind of place.

You could really do with OT advice for your son. You might be best advised to aim for a large, securable garden or for a quieter area etc.

You also need to think through school options and understand when to move in the EHCP Assessment process (generally before you start it or once you've submitted an appeal to the Tribunal about the EHCP content).

Look at local eligiblity criteria for housing association properties - I doubt you'll get far with this but it should be checked.

Moving costs money, it doesn't sound like an emergency so I'd hang on where you are till you know where you want to move to.

Won't the child benefit from them having a functioning fridge freezer? The OP's H didn't that's how they got it just that they were getting it.
Frankly, yours is the kind of scattergun vacuous comment one hears from tightwad exes who don't want to support their kids. You & my ex would get on a treat!

My mum in law (ex now) was very dismissive and wouldn’t accept my son was clearly autistic. I was just labelled as neurotic. Anyway he has an official diagnosis of autism and a learning disability. He goes to a special needs school. It took a long time to get his official diagnosis so for years they wouldn’t listen but luckily saw him rarely (he didn’t want to see them much as they don’t know how to handle a Sen child) once he got his diagnosis they are accepting of it. No apology for labelling me neurotic. It used to bother me but years down the line I’m a staunch advocate for my son and won’t take any nonsense from anyone regarding him. Defend yourself to the hilt. Be “that mum” don’t tolerate anyone refusing to acknowledge your son’s struggles and his diagnoses. And tell her to mind her business of to eff off. Being a sen parent is hard enough as it it-you don’t need opinionated twits to deal with too. Also your finances are absolutely nothing to do with her.

I can't fathom why people on here have the cheek to say that the DLA money shouldn't be spent on a fridge-freezer. If the old one was in a bad way/energy gobbling/not big enough then of course it's to do with your son. He presumably eats 25% of the food in it ! Why are we presuming it's the DLA money as opposed to other money in their accounts tht was used for the ff and the skip.

Christ, there are some dreadful people posting on this.
Well, all bad things to 'em, I say - then they can show us how it's done 😈

How is it wasting taxpayers funds if they needed a new fridge? Presumably they have been meeting their DSs needs from their income so what difference does it make if they bought a fridge? Should they have gone without? Maybe not having a working fridge might have made them sick? Presumably, since they both work, they also pay tax. But feckless scroungers eh? And working in the NHS. Shame on them.

A new mantra for you OP

“Well it might look like that to them, but they’re wrong.”

Accompanied by a shrug of the shoulders and a what can you do face.

You BOUGHT a new fridge/freezer. You didn’t brought it.

My DD gets DLA too and I wouldn’t dream of spending it on a fridge/freezer! It gets spent on her and her needs!

Wow…you do not know why they got a new fridge/freezer. If the old one had had it, surly it’s a family need. They don’t sound has if they are rolling in it by renting from in-laws, and who’s bragging about shiny new things. It amazes me how judgmental people are on here.

Thank you….have been thinking the same. People are so judgemental.

i wouldn’t be spending this money on this type of thing, if he doesn’t need anything now put to one side for when he does

So if you needed a new fridge freezer you would go without to the detriment of your whole family including your child with SEN and leave the money in the bank for a hypothetical future need?

Sorry but I don’t believe you.

But you can't specifically say where the money for the fridge freezer came from. The DLA money would have been put in OP's bank account, together with any earnings and UC. She may well have spent all, or most of the DLA on items/services etc related to DC's disability, and that then left some of her own money in the bank which she used to purchase a fridge freezer.

People tend to forget/not understand how much more expensive life is if you are disabled or have a disabled child.

Do you not think the child will benefit by having a working fridge in the home? Or a less cluttered home by skipping stuff? Or do you think the child should have their own fridge and no other family members are allowed to use it?
That family are taxpayers too.

DLA very often subsides a families lost income due to one or both parents unable to work due to the care needs/ lack of appropriate school places/ lack of social care support. People on her commenting about how it should be spent will be people who have no clue as they have never been in that position.