ND child, mother in laws opinions

[Yukoayh]

DH and I have been married for 12 years, we have two kids 7 and 3. The 3yo is undiagnosed but quite clearly autistic (lots of issues, hard child to parent etc) he is currently on the never ending list for an assessment.

We both work for the NHS on low bands so we receive Uc top up every month. We also rent our house from my in laws.

I’ve always gotten on well with said in laws, they are the type that can never do enough for you, always go overboard at christmas and would help us out at the drop of a hat.

However my relationship with them has changed since having DS2. From the very start he was a hard baby and this put a lot of strain on my marriage. DH spend a few nights in the doghouse at theirs. Every time this happened MIL would give me the silent treatment for a few weeks (usually she texts regularly) even if it was my DH in the wrong… which it always was.

Also DS2 was always developmentally not quite where he should be, however inlaws always refused to acknowledge/believe this. They see the behaviour and you can see the judgy look on MIL face and she has even said “hes just a naughty child” we decided about a year ago to stop speaking to them about his development / asd pathway because their comments were not helpful.

Now DS2 is almost 4 we are starting to see even more ND in him and starting to think about how school will look, what extra support he might need etc, so with support of his nursery, childminder and HV I applied for DLA. To my surprise we got it, and we got high rate care. We agreed not to tell in laws as they won’t understand.

When I was out on Thursday my MIL came round to see my DH. he admitted they’ve now fallen out because he showed her we had brought a new fridge freezer and she asked “why have you got so much money” (we got a new fridge freezer and we hired a skip 🤣) to which -for some reason- he told her about the DLA.
She went mad questioning him “Why do you have to label him” “he needs stricter boundaries” etc and then she asked how does a new fridge help our son…

Apparently my husband held his own but honestly I am livid.
I now feel incredibly uncomfortable living in their house, or having anything to do with them quite honestly. AIBU to consider moving out because of this?

Nice!
Perhaps They were able to buy a fridge freezer now as they had more free money to spend on essentials. A FF is very much an essential.
DLA is a benefit that isn’t means tested, it can be awarded to a child whose parents are millionaires.

OP, I would try to build relationships with your in-laws, and help them come to understand your DSs needs better. Can you find a support group that your MIL could attend with you, or find some information about ASD that would help?

Sure, but even OP was surprised to get it, and at higher rate.

There is a challenge for the UK that the ballooning cost of these benefits has become unaffordable - and I’m afraid this post rather points towards people preconceptions about that problem.

It’s a bit of a political / social policy hot potato.

It's a good point - if someone said I am using that money to get assessments, specialist tutoring etc with their DLA money I would say - great more power to you. Money well spent.

To spend taxpayers money on buying new things for the house that don't have direct bearing on the child who the money is for is why people get so angry at the 'misuse' of this money.

What ‘additional needs’ have they been meeting so far that are £400 a month???

She probably was surprised to get it due to attitudes like yours.
The op obviously had sufficient evidence from health care professionals to warrant the dla being awarded.

Yes, but before DLA without enough money to provide for both a fridge freezer (essential item) AND the child's disability needs, the disabled child could have gone without.

Also, there could be reasons a bigger fridge freezer is required for disabled child - medication storage or perhaps they only eat very specific types of food, so when you see that food you stock up to avoid running out. I've known autistic kids to only eat one brand and type of sandwich, for example.

Surely by having DLA to support their child which they were previously having to fund from their own money this frees their own money to make those purchases. You don't know that they were not self funding his needs prior to the DLA.

The point of DLA is to spend it on things that benefit the child….I am guessing the child eats food so they’re for benefits from a new fridge freezer? 🤔 and I am guessing getting a skip in and making the house a more usable happy space by clearing rubbish also benefits the child?

The only reason why I own a dryer is because my son is incontinent. We bought it when we first started getting DLA as you get back pay because it takes so long to process.

Maybe she was surprised because so many applications are initially rejected.

Same

Yeah… I don’t think that’s what most people are imagining when families are being extra money to support a disabled child who has high rate care needs each month really.

6% of all children are in receipt of DLA vs 3% in 2013. 8% of 15 year olds claim it. The numbers continue to grow - and so people question it.

Yep.

I was surprised that I got it initially because so many people have to fight for it. It wasn't because I didn't think he wouldn't be entitled to it, I wasn't surprised at all that he was awarded high rate care and high rate mobility.

Unfortunately the population is slowly becominng more disabled it seems or quite simple these kids would of been put in a institution or left to die not that long ago, so thats why dla rates are increasing.

OP your MIL is very similar to how my parent were when my DC’s were diagnosed, as the years have gone on they have realised how bloody hard it is and how hard I have had to fight for the correct support and education for my DC’s but sadly they still think the fact my DC’s get benefits is wrong…..and the fact I get UC because I have to care for them alone. I’m often made to feel like I am a scrounger and that I’m lazy. I no longer tell them if I’m buying anything or going anywhere nice because they don’t think I should be allowed these things (basic things that people need in the home like a new kettle).

I am glad you got awarded DLA for your dc, people seem to assume it’s handed out to anyone now and that’s just not the case. There’s a huge amount of evidence needed, even more so if you haven’t yet got a diagnosis.

I'm sure the OP appreciates you telling her her probably autistic three year old would have ended up in an institution if born not many years earlier, or that she's part of an 'unfortunately' increasingly disabled population.

OP, you’re just going to get benefits bashed on here. Much of MN know nothing about disability and the extra strains it places on a household budget. Nor do they realise that, much of the time, the DLA/PIP/ADP doesn’t come anywhere near covering those additional costs. Just ignore these people.

Totally this ^^

That is one conclusion…

If the number of children suffering from a disability has doubled in 10 years that is a major public health crisis…

I don’t think most would be in an institution or ‘left to die’ (OP’s child sounds like they have some challenges that will hopefully be overcome with the right professional advice) but I do think there is a question as so what additional financial support is given for issues within the broad group of neurodiversity-related issues (noting the impact of these will vary greatly).

I think our expectations as a society on what the state will provide are increasingly disconnected from what people are willing to pay for those services - which presents a problem.

That's none of your bloody business.

I should have clarified - the dla money is currently sat in a pot minus £140 which is how much we spend per month on baby food pouches which is one of the six foods my ND child will eat.

The fridge freezer had 3 broken drawers which were dangerously sharp so we used our regular grocery money to buy a £280 replacement.

The skip is unrelated, we’d saved up for that through our own means.

I mean I’ve been told for high rate care they have to have very very obvious disability, it’s not just given out for kids with ND that just appear to be naughty. So how can she not see it?

OP please please ignore the sanctimonious posts about the FF. Of course that’s what the money is for. I’ve a child with asd and I’m a carer. People need to realise that in most families where a child has additional needs one or even both parents end up not fulfilling their initial career potential. Childcare can be difficult or not existent depending on your child’s needs so yes a bloody Fridge Freezer which is an essential item for the home should be bought out of money given to carers. Washing machines are another thing carers go through a lot of and I know from a group I go to that tvs get broken a lot from children who throw things. However I’m sure someone who apparently knows better will come along in a minute to tell me this is due to poor parenting. The money is to make your life easier which benefits the child you are caring for. Some people just don’t have a clue

That's why I said "if"