ND child, mother in laws opinions

[Yukoayh]

DH and I have been married for 12 years, we have two kids 7 and 3. The 3yo is undiagnosed but quite clearly autistic (lots of issues, hard child to parent etc) he is currently on the never ending list for an assessment.

We both work for the NHS on low bands so we receive Uc top up every month. We also rent our house from my in laws.

I’ve always gotten on well with said in laws, they are the type that can never do enough for you, always go overboard at christmas and would help us out at the drop of a hat.

However my relationship with them has changed since having DS2. From the very start he was a hard baby and this put a lot of strain on my marriage. DH spend a few nights in the doghouse at theirs. Every time this happened MIL would give me the silent treatment for a few weeks (usually she texts regularly) even if it was my DH in the wrong… which it always was.

Also DS2 was always developmentally not quite where he should be, however inlaws always refused to acknowledge/believe this. They see the behaviour and you can see the judgy look on MIL face and she has even said “hes just a naughty child” we decided about a year ago to stop speaking to them about his development / asd pathway because their comments were not helpful.

Now DS2 is almost 4 we are starting to see even more ND in him and starting to think about how school will look, what extra support he might need etc, so with support of his nursery, childminder and HV I applied for DLA. To my surprise we got it, and we got high rate care. We agreed not to tell in laws as they won’t understand.

When I was out on Thursday my MIL came round to see my DH. he admitted they’ve now fallen out because he showed her we had brought a new fridge freezer and she asked “why have you got so much money” (we got a new fridge freezer and we hired a skip 🤣) to which -for some reason- he told her about the DLA.
She went mad questioning him “Why do you have to label him” “he needs stricter boundaries” etc and then she asked how does a new fridge help our son…

Apparently my husband held his own but honestly I am livid.
I now feel incredibly uncomfortable living in their house, or having anything to do with them quite honestly. AIBU to consider moving out because of this?

I can't answer the poll. YANBU for wanting to move out of their property, but YABU for your reasoning.

Stop involving them in your marriage and stop the relegated to the "doghouse" situation. Move out and have a normal relationship with them. Perhaps consider therapy for your marriage.

Good to see we have moved on as a society from saying everyone on receipt of benefits is using them cigarettes and wide screen tv's. Now we get to blame people for wanting to access refrigeration!

Just a thought. As Autism is often genetic do you notice any traits in your mil or any of her kids . This might explain her severe reaction as it may be touching a nerve.
As for the fridge etc ...for goodness sake people cop on! This is a total red herring that people are jumping on.

Yep.

We have 2 fridges. 1 is especially for my son due to his disability.

I’m still amazed at landing higher level DLA, for a 3 year old, at first try ..

He must have significant care needs, both day & night, to get that - you do wonder how she couldn’t notice.

But washing machines don't last long. We're on 4th, and yet are still on our first fridge. Sounds as if the new fridge freezer was a luxury.

OP has already clarified that the old one had broken drawers and it wasn't used with DLA money anyway.

I am surprised that you decide unilaterally that your husband has to leave his house and go home to his Mummy and Daddy if you consider that he has misbehaved. His parents own the house and you don't think this is unwise on your part? It sounds like a child being sent home from a play date. Not a fully grown man.
Are you always the Boss? You write that you are always right? It can't be nice to be around someone who is always the boss.

Do NOT send him to ILs when you’ve had a row! So much wrong with this! Main thing being it involves them in your marriage and gives them an opinion. My cousin used to do this all the time and it led to his mum and his wife not speaking. Not a good idea, please stop!

as for your son, yes time to keep contact with ILs to a minimum until they educate themselves and accept his diagnosis. If this means moving elsewhere then that would be a good idea if you can afford it.

It's none of your MIL's business what you spend your money on or how you parent your child.

However, this really stood out for me:

DH spend a few nights in the doghouse at theirs. Every time this happened MIL would give me the silent treatment for a few weeks (usually she texts regularly) even if it was my DH in the wrong… which it always was.

Can you seriously not see why constantly throwing your husband out to stay with his parents every time you had a disagreement. and insisting that you were never the one in the wrong, might make your MIL annoyed and impatient with you? Ultimately, you're essentially saying 'I am never wrong and your son is an arsehole, so you deal with him instead', repeatedly, so I'm not surprised that affected your relationship with her.

Exactly. This is the same as men seething that their ex’s are getting their nails done with child maintenance when they finally pay up. As if that mother isn’t also funding feeding and clothing and housing and caring for the child, often alone and for years before getting help.

As the parent of a child with significant learning disabilities, thank you for saying this. Nobody knows the life you live - or why a bigger/better fridge freezer might be to the great benefit of a child. For example, my son only eats three kinds of food - and is currently in a place where leaving the house with him is extremely challenging. Buying his foods in bulk and storing them safely makes caring for him 1000x easier and means my days can be spent working in my job and dealing with the mountain of appointments and admin rather than rushing back and forth from Tesco. I use his DLA to buy the continence wear that he needs at 11 years old - and regularly replace his communication device when he smashes it. Not having to pay for that out of my own money means that I can then pay for things like new appliances when needed. I'm sure the OP isn't using DLA money to buy herself fancy things and leaving her child to go without.

She probably doesn't believe in autism or she is in denial. It sounds as though they stopped talking to her about concerns with his development too and I imagine she isn't around at night much, if at all.

Why is the adult in your life being told to leave the family home and ho and stay with his parents for a period of time. Sit down and discuss the issues then move forward. You both adults.

Please don't feel you have to justify yourself.

Your DH is the go between with the gossip.
Definitely look into finding a different home.
Has he no filter? Otoh why is he leaving after an argument? Who's choice is that?

Some of the posts criticising this family about spending money on a fridge freezer don’t really understand money and what DLA is for

I spend approximately £150 per month just on my autism and ADHD so I can function, hold down a job etc Could spend more as I would like therapy to help with my neurodiversity. If I got £150 per month through DLA that would be solely spent on my ND. That means I would have an extra £150 that could be spent on other things.

If I was Neurotypical then I wouldnt get DLA but I wouldnt have to spend £150 per month just to be able to put one foot in front of the other and be able to function.
The fact that I forgot my meds last week and after a single day working at a new place I was unbooked from all the shifts I had been confirmed for there

Wrong.

We spent ours on one.. know why? Because DS has ARFID, which meant buying his 'safe foods' which needed to be refridgerated/frozen, in bulk, but the fridge freezer we had was already full of the rest of the households food.. so we bought a second one just for his food/drink.

Keep your damn ignorant ablism to yourself.

DD1 was 2 years 9 months when I first applied for DLA. Until that point I had been told I was neurotic and paranoid, 'reading the text books' and forgetting that all children develop differently.

When I got her award of HRC, I remember being overwhelmed with emotions. I couldn't believe we'd been awarded without a fight, I couldn't believe we'd been awarded HRC without a fight, then it dawned on me that she must be 'bad' if they had worked it out from our form and didn't make us fight.

They were right, and so was I. DD1 has significant disability and still can't be left at home alone, or go out alone, at almost 20.

@Yukoayh a fridge freezer is a perfectly reasonable and sensible use of DLA.

Thanks for this, my son also has Arfid.

I don’t understand why anyone is wasting their energy explaining why a Fridge Freezer or a skip is a necessity because it’s bloody obvious and I don’t even have any experience with ND. The OP has not booked a trip to Vegas FFS.

The only red flag I see in the OP is the part where you state that the arguments are always your husband’s fault.

fuel to get kids to appointments + upkeep as more wear/tear on the car because they don't/can't walk far.
specialist/particular food.
clothes & shoes bought at a higher replacement rate because they chew/pick/destroy/ruin/walk through them at a higher rate, or lose stuff at nursery/school.
bedding because they thread pick, or wet the bed, or refuse to sleep in it if its slightly damp, so it needs changing more often
the extra electric to run the laundry/dryer because of the quicker overturn of the laundry
extra utility cost because they're sensitive to the cold, so the heating needs to be on more
extra water, because they insist on showering 2 times daily rather than having a bath
extra electric to run night lights & sensory equipment

Thats just a quick 'off the top of my head' list of the added cost of my DS's disabilities. Would you like me to continue? I have more.

@Yukoayh

You both work for the NHS doing - I expect - a vital job but underpaid. With regards DLA - I think your DH has explained this poorly. Yes you may now be able to afford a new fridge (this is a family need, also for your DS) - but you do not know what your future holds. My DS’s school and the council have been woefully inadequate in terms of delays with EHCP’s, LA agreeing with a school to refuse placement, I’m pretty sure school advised their breakfast club provider not to give DS a placement - which led to me changing my career. I’m on a significantly lower wage now - but I can also claim carer allowance with DLA. This mean I can put DS’s needs first and do school drop off/pick up. I also do a great deal of extra provision outside of school (which my son’s school are supposed to do but can’t/wont) and use DLA for private speech therapy. I’ve also had to become an expert on SEND law, as the LA (and school) frequently break the law and I need to fight. This has taken a lot of time and persistence.

Your in laws are using the wrong term ‘naughty’ and I think - gently - educating them may help.

However I do agree with them that clear boundaries are important and confident, assertive parenting is needed with a child with behaviour needs. I’d watch Supernanny - I think she gets it right.

DD1 gets Universal Credit. Right now, I'm not using it for living expenses. I'm saving it for a power assist device for her wheelchair, because although wheelchair services provided the wheelchair, they won't do anything about the fact that she can't self-propel it. They have told me that really she needs a powerchair, but the NHS will only supply one if she needs hoisting. So we'll save her UC and get a power assist device.

Yes yes yes.