ND child, mother in laws opinions

[Yukoayh]

DH and I have been married for 12 years, we have two kids 7 and 3. The 3yo is undiagnosed but quite clearly autistic (lots of issues, hard child to parent etc) he is currently on the never ending list for an assessment.

We both work for the NHS on low bands so we receive Uc top up every month. We also rent our house from my in laws.

I’ve always gotten on well with said in laws, they are the type that can never do enough for you, always go overboard at christmas and would help us out at the drop of a hat.

However my relationship with them has changed since having DS2. From the very start he was a hard baby and this put a lot of strain on my marriage. DH spend a few nights in the doghouse at theirs. Every time this happened MIL would give me the silent treatment for a few weeks (usually she texts regularly) even if it was my DH in the wrong… which it always was.

Also DS2 was always developmentally not quite where he should be, however inlaws always refused to acknowledge/believe this. They see the behaviour and you can see the judgy look on MIL face and she has even said “hes just a naughty child” we decided about a year ago to stop speaking to them about his development / asd pathway because their comments were not helpful.

Now DS2 is almost 4 we are starting to see even more ND in him and starting to think about how school will look, what extra support he might need etc, so with support of his nursery, childminder and HV I applied for DLA. To my surprise we got it, and we got high rate care. We agreed not to tell in laws as they won’t understand.

When I was out on Thursday my MIL came round to see my DH. he admitted they’ve now fallen out because he showed her we had brought a new fridge freezer and she asked “why have you got so much money” (we got a new fridge freezer and we hired a skip 🤣) to which -for some reason- he told her about the DLA.
She went mad questioning him “Why do you have to label him” “he needs stricter boundaries” etc and then she asked how does a new fridge help our son…

Apparently my husband held his own but honestly I am livid.
I now feel incredibly uncomfortable living in their house, or having anything to do with them quite honestly. AIBU to consider moving out because of this?

I'm so happy to hear that your boy is doing so well, & the rest of you are at peace. Thank you for your best wishes. 🙏

It would be quite difficult have nothing to do with your in laws- you rent a house from them, and your DH clearly spends quite a lot of time with them, and obviously has a close relationship with his mother -otherwise he would never have revealed such private things about your finances.
I suggest you have a talk to your MIL and tell her gently but frankly that you are not comfortable with her criticism of your parenting or how you organise your finances- these are private matters between you and your DH. Suggest she stops commenting, and if you get any push back you will have to look for somewhere else to live- this kind of interference in your private life is unacceptable, either you MIL accepts that, or you go minimum contact.

OP don't let all these 'the DLA is for the kids' comments drive you to panic about the expenditure of your DLA.

One, they are never going to come and ask for a break down, thats not how DLA works. It would only be in a case where social are involved and you aren't providing for them which is clearly not going to happen cos you sound like good parents.

Two, it doesn't need to 'sit in an account' the DLA is to compensate for all the other costs of having a disabled child. That's wear and tear of the house, if they are still in nappies when older, the cost of having an extra person because it takes two of you, the cost of specific foods, baby monitors, more expensive holidays that meet needs etc not just medical equipment! It's also to do with loss of earnings.

Have you told your UC you get DLA now as that could increase your payments (and either way they need to know)

Don't let husband slump off to MIL when you have an argument, thats why she feels involved and its understandable that she is going to feel disgruntled in some way about that especially as 'her baby' is going to come home and tell HIS side of the argument. Parents struggle to be objective. Adults stay in their homes and deal with it.

Would it be helpful if MIL had a chat with HV?

No they don't!

No more than, say, if I buy my daughter a picture then I get to say where she puts it.
Ridiculous!

BUT if the ILs are acting as if they have a right to criticise how OP and DH use their money, then, yes they might be better getting their own place and paying market rent.

Oh the comments. It's family money. Who says the disability isn't to do with the fridge? And even if it isn't I'm sure you've spent X from wages on ds.

This times a million.

I did, and my mil thinks he's just in a phase or perfectly normal. She's the incredibly nice version of OPs mother in law.
If you want to act suspicious go and read the criteria first.

I have a 30 year colleague who says is autistic and has DLA ...he works full time also and has a driving license, speaks with no issues to all of us, makes a lot of sense, has physical and manual labour skills and is very funny and gets social cues much better than many other men I work with

No you don't. Children get DLA. Not adults. I mean he might be autistic - I have colleagues who have a diagnosis of ASD and who manage humour and social situations well as far as they do but I don't see what happens in other settings because they are used to us all.