Was it wrong of me to tell my mother about MIL’s diagnosis?

[Amariel13]

My MIL has sadly been diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma in her brain. She had RSV about 2 months ago and just never really got better, then about 3 weeks ago she was having excruciating headaches that were so bad she couldn’t sleep through the pain. When she finally admitted this to one of my SIL’s, she took her to the hospital to be checked out. They did some scans and found the growths. She had surgery to remove a couple and has started immunotherapy. It’s very early days but we’re hopeful.

I happened to speak to my mum on the same day MIL was first taken to hospital and mentioned it. Just after the diagnosis, I was chatting with mum on the phone again and she asked how MIL was doing. I told her about the cancer diagnosis. Not in any huge detail, but we did discuss treatments a little (note: my mum battled breast cancer earlier this year, so is familiar with the options). DH knew that I’d told my mum and appreciated her plain English explanation of a couple of the possible treatments. At some point in the week after that, mum told both my sisters about MIL’s diagnosis (unbeknownst to me). We had dinner at my mum’s last week with one of my sister’s and BIL; DH told them about his mum and went into even more detail than I had.

Over the weekend, I asked DH whether he had told any of his friends what was going on or whether he was planning to. He’s a pretty private person and said no. I said that he might appreciate the support, he said that he wanted to be able to have an escape where he didn’t have to talk about it. I said I understood that, and that he’s very close with BIL (basically best friends) so he did have someone he could talk to if needed. DH made a face, then said he only told them because he’d already received a message from my other sister’s boyfriend to say he was sorry to hear the news. DH realised either I or my mum had told my sisters, so figured he’d just get it all out in the open. The way it was said was very accusatory and it was obvious he was mad at me for telling my mum.

While it’s true that I didn’t tell mum not to tell anyone (I didn’t think to), I also didn’t realise this was a secret. They’re his family too, they’re understandably worried about him (and MIL, she’s a wonderful person), and want to support him. On top of that, DH told my step mum about everything the day after I told my mum (before my sisters knew) because he happened to be on the phone with her. She has most definitely told my dad, and I imagine a few other people now know too. I just don’t know why he was okay with me telling my mum and then suddenly wasn’t. Should I not have told her?

YABU - I shouldn’t have told my mum
YANBU - It was fine to tell her, especially as DH knew and even appreciated some of her insights

Im sorry to hear this news. I think you should have kept it to yourself until your husband was ready to share.

@Amariel13 everyone reacts differently to news like this some find it helpful to talk about it others need time to come to terms with the news. Your DH maybe in the latter category.

What you have to remember is your DH is facing up to the reality his mum is dying. It is an absolute certainty that each and everyone of us will die; we all know this but when it becomes more tangible due to illness you may start to go through the grief cycle:

Denial: A temporary state of shock and disbelief where one might try to continue as if nothing has happened.

Anger: A natural reaction to the unfairness of the loss, which can be directed at the deceased, oneself, or others.

Bargaining: The stage where one might make "deals" or promises in an attempt to change the situation.

Depression: A stage of feeling the reality of the loss, which can manifest as sadness, lack of energy, and other physical or emotional symptoms.

Acceptance: Coming to terms with the reality of the loss and learning to live with the new reality.

Your DHs reaction is perfectly normal and he will switch between the 5 stages. This does make it difficult for you in terms of judging what is right but also because you will also be going through the 5 stages- not necessarily at the same time.

You cannot undo what has been done, what is important is you give your DH space and time to decide who and what he wants to tell others. You do need to tell your sister’s boyfriend not to tell anyone and not to mention it. I can understand your DH may want a space where he can socialise and doesn’t have to think or talk about his Mum.

Hmm my mother told mil that she was at mine because I was in hospital having surgical excision of a miscarriage. I was 12 weeks. It was not mother's news to tell. I didn't wish to discuss it with MIL who hadn't been told I was pg and already had form for implying my side wasn't as robust as hers.

Yr SH is in early grief. Grief is not rational and your actions have removed one of his options fkr dealing with it.

I agree with others. This is about your DH not you. Move on and apologise and have words with your mother about spreading news/gossip that isn't hers to spread.

If you're mum wasn't in your circles e.g. she lives hours away and you don't see each other in person very much, she doesn't know people you know etc, I wouldn't have thought this too bad.

But it sounds like you're in the same circles. Because of this I don't think you should have told your mum because his private news will feel visible when he didn't choose it to be and he's potentially got to have conversations with people that he doesn't want to have.

I appreciate that this news can't be hidden forever and something will have to be said at some point but think it's good to give him some control over this and have a conversation about what he's comfortable with.

Agree. I wouldn't go about discussing my haemorrhoids with all and sundry (if I had them) but if I was dying of cancer I'd find it strange not to talk about with everyone who knows me, and I wouldn't mind at all if they told other people.

”Spread” the info, is a rather dramatic description?
Cannot believe that, should friends & family; in the light of such info, would make contact to discuss in-depth details or be deliberately unpleasant?
More likely some will not know what to say & either avoid or never say anything, always possible most would simply pass on gentle, thoughtful & kindly commiseration.

AnnaFrith, 18yrs ago my best friends only child(20yr) best friend of 1 of mine, died very suddenly in an unexplained accident. Best Friend could only talk about child & all to do with accident, for a few years.

This shows a basic lack of understanding of the situation and how some would feel in these circumstances. It has nothing to do with being deliberately unkind. As I explained, my DH received this month the news he has cancer and he was not ready to talk until he was ready. That meant he was not ready for people - specifically people he had not opened up to - to approach him with their well meaning pleasantries and sympathies. He needed time to process alone.

The DH has expressed exactly this sentiment. He was approached with well meaning but unexpected communication about the situation by people he had no idea knew and he felt pushed into making a further announcement and to talk more in depth about it. He was not ready and did not want to sit around a dinner table discussing his mother’s prognosis and he was entitled to that.

Cancer is not gossip. Some basic respect is the least people deserve.

Agree with PPs that this absolutely wasn’t your story to tell: you’re clearly enjoying the drama.

I'm so sorry, that's absolutely tragic.

1. You are 100% in the wrong to tell your mum about this the same say as mil got her diagnosis. What on earth were you thinking even of calling her on the day of diagnosis when you should have focussed on supporting your dh? Did he go to his mum the same day as your mum was diagnosed with breast cancer?
2. You are more wrong for not calling your mum and telling her she was wrong to he gossipping about mil’s diagnosis with your sisters. She needs to be told she was wrong so she doesn’t repeat this mistake again. The last thing you want her to do is repeat this shit when mil is actively dying.
3. It’s done now. After telling your mum she was wrong you need to stop talking to your family about this and begin to focus on dh and his family. Do something nice for them.

That is genuinely vile. “Enjoying the drama” of her much loved MIL being seriously ill? Would you dare to speak to someone like that in real life or do you just behave like that when you’re protected with the anonymity of a keyboard?

Unfortunately some people really do treat others’ illnesses as gossip fodder.

Which is clearly not what the Op was doing and if you’d bothered reading the thread you’d realise that even her DH recognises that and was happy with her sharing it in the first place. There is absolutely no need at all for comments like that.

I think the thing to take from this is that your mum is a gossip. Couldn't wait to tell your sisters about it when it wasn't her place. Either don't tell her things in future or if you do, tell her to zip it.

I think the point you are missing is A will only tell.B and B will.only tell C and D they will.tell... you get my drift. This stuff spreads . You were distressed and well intentioned but if you are ever in a similar situation try and keep it inside.

He is hurting just stand by him.

There is a lot of information in your OP (and subsequent replies) but by telling your mum this has also meant that your sisters and their partners now know.

That's 5 people.

Yes it may not have been a secret but it wasn't your mum's info to share.

Sounds like your DH isn't massively close to your sisters BF either so I can imagine he was quite rankled to receive a message from him?

It's all just noise really as of course the main thing is your MIL but yes you were unreasonable to tell your mum (I imagine she's prone to "sharing info" and this wasn't a one off?)

This

Unless your MIL expressly asked you not to, I don’t think you did anything wrong.

I think it is unfortunate that someone has to explicitly ask and say to people not to tell others about their medical situations. I would think it would be the other way around and someone giving permission instead.

I would tell my own mum before I would tell my MIL because I know my mother won’t tell anyone unless I say it is ok whereas I would be getting text messages from others if I told my MIL. DH is unfortunately the same way as MIL so have to explicitly tell him not to tell my private medical information to his family.

His family is like that and there are medical things I rather not know about other family members when they have not told me themselves and I doubt they wanted me to know in the first place!

Some of us rather have the choice and tell people ourselves than find out others have knowledge of our medical issues without our consent.

Exactly this. And in fact telling people about others' medical conditions is a breach of confidence in civil law, harm ( incl psychological harm) has to be proved for any legal case and of course families don't generally go down this route.

But it doesn't take much imagination to understand that this is not ok, there can be employment implications, relationship implications, all sorts.
Some diagnoses carry extra sensitivity implications too.

@Amariel13
As a cancer survivor, just to give my point of view (and my daughters too). When I was first diagnosed, stage IV, I didn't want anyone to know, not even our daughters. This was in spite of the fact that I knew I was going to lose my hair. There was this odd feeling of shame, dread, terror and the overwhelming fear of people knowing.

Close friends and family were wonderful. But the more casual the acquaintance, the more they wanted to know. People would stop me in the street, what type of cancer, what the doctors had said, what is the treatment, there was almost a ghoulish frenzy of interest. My DDs had some friends would ask how I was and then in the next breathe relay horror stories of cancer sufferers they knew until my girls both became adept at shutting people down. I too developed a thick skin to stories, 'does this have a happy ending, otherwise I don't have the capacity to listen'. It could well be that your DH has had his fill of 'interested' friends and it is unfortunate that some of the people you told contacted him off their own back. But you weren't to know they would do this, you have apologised to him, now just be supportive and let him come to terms with what is happening to his Mum.

Happily (and amazingly) four years on I am under surveillance only and fine, and I hope very much that treatment is similarly successful for your MIL.

I think this only has legal implications where there is a professional relationship. For a family members to have grounds for civil action I think they would have to prove that consent was explicitly withheld, as well as resulting harm.

Not necessarily.
Quoting from a legal text:

'The duty of confidence arises whenever there is a relationship between the parties which implies such a duty. So, for example, the common law duty of confidentiality exists between husband and wife, priest and penitent, employee and employer and nurse or patient and client.'

And yes, as I said resulting harm has to be proved and it must be harm that is compensable at law. So distress, embarrassment would be tricky but employment implications could be relevant, breakdown of a marriage etc.