Was it wrong of me to tell my mother about MIL’s diagnosis?

[Amariel13]

My MIL has sadly been diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma in her brain. She had RSV about 2 months ago and just never really got better, then about 3 weeks ago she was having excruciating headaches that were so bad she couldn’t sleep through the pain. When she finally admitted this to one of my SIL’s, she took her to the hospital to be checked out. They did some scans and found the growths. She had surgery to remove a couple and has started immunotherapy. It’s very early days but we’re hopeful.

I happened to speak to my mum on the same day MIL was first taken to hospital and mentioned it. Just after the diagnosis, I was chatting with mum on the phone again and she asked how MIL was doing. I told her about the cancer diagnosis. Not in any huge detail, but we did discuss treatments a little (note: my mum battled breast cancer earlier this year, so is familiar with the options). DH knew that I’d told my mum and appreciated her plain English explanation of a couple of the possible treatments. At some point in the week after that, mum told both my sisters about MIL’s diagnosis (unbeknownst to me). We had dinner at my mum’s last week with one of my sister’s and BIL; DH told them about his mum and went into even more detail than I had.

Over the weekend, I asked DH whether he had told any of his friends what was going on or whether he was planning to. He’s a pretty private person and said no. I said that he might appreciate the support, he said that he wanted to be able to have an escape where he didn’t have to talk about it. I said I understood that, and that he’s very close with BIL (basically best friends) so he did have someone he could talk to if needed. DH made a face, then said he only told them because he’d already received a message from my other sister’s boyfriend to say he was sorry to hear the news. DH realised either I or my mum had told my sisters, so figured he’d just get it all out in the open. The way it was said was very accusatory and it was obvious he was mad at me for telling my mum.

While it’s true that I didn’t tell mum not to tell anyone (I didn’t think to), I also didn’t realise this was a secret. They’re his family too, they’re understandably worried about him (and MIL, she’s a wonderful person), and want to support him. On top of that, DH told my step mum about everything the day after I told my mum (before my sisters knew) because he happened to be on the phone with her. She has most definitely told my dad, and I imagine a few other people now know too. I just don’t know why he was okay with me telling my mum and then suddenly wasn’t. Should I not have told her?

YABU - I shouldn’t have told my mum
YANBU - It was fine to tell her, especially as DH knew and even appreciated some of her insights

I understand you did it from a good place but it wasn't your tale to tell. You've pulled the rug from under your husband a bit. Tell mum and co to zip it now.

My husband would have been the same his mum had a brain tumour, slow growing. He wouldn't discuss it with anyone so I didn't , she actually died of a heart attack.

I think you need to cut your DH some slack, considering the news he's recently received. Perhaps he felt he'd like to have told people, perhaps he felt blindsided by having someone he didn't realise knew text him about it out of the blue.

YABU for feeling aggrieved that he's told people yet seemed annoyed that you'd told people. Just apologise, forget it and move on.

You've manipulated the voting so I can't vote.

If you hadn't, I would have said YANBU to offload onto your mum but you should've told her to keep it to herself for now as the diagnosis is so new.

With regards to you going on at your husband about how he should tell others, that's not your place.

I can understand if he thinks you're overstepping and getting too involved in what is essentially his mum's cancer diagnosis.

You seem to be going at 1 million miles per hour here.

I think you should have checked with DH about telling your mum first and your mum should have checked with you both before telling your sisters.
You owe your DH an apology.

I was diagnosed with bc a few years ago and took one of my dsis along to the meeting with the surgeon to help take notes.

She started telling all & sundry about my diagnosis that afternoon. It was all I could do to stop her putting it out on Facebook. I haven't told her anything since.

How would you feel if someone you thought you could trust, shared your private medical information without asking? You have acted without a shred of discretion or professionalism. Your MIL has every right to be upset. You've used her very scary & private diagnosis as a juicy bit of gossip. That's horrible.

You should not have said anything. It’s not your news. I’m not surprised your DH is angry with you. Apologise and learn your lesson to keep things to yourself and stop sharing private and painful news.

I’m not aggrieved at all, I’m just confused. He knew I’d mentioned the hospital trip to my mum - none of us had any idea there was going to be a cancer diagnosis as a result of this at that time - and we both figured she’d ask how things were going at some point. He originally had no issue with my having told my mum and really appreciated her simplified explanation of a couple of possible treatments being discussed for MIL (his sister is handling all of the dr stuff so he has not been there to ask questions and has to go off whatever she says); he sent my mum a message to say thank you.

I did apologise for her spreading the news to my sisters, as I hadn’t realised she’d done that. And I also apologised for not thinking to tell her to keep the news to herself. He just seemed to be mad I’d told my mum at all, which is the complete opposite to 2 weeks prior.

this might not seem very helpful but it’s done now, what’s the point of beating yourself up over it.
Just explain and apologise to your husband, it was your mum who told everyone not you, and she probably didn’t realise how much upset it could cause.
There isn’t much else you can do so stressing over it won’t help anyone.

Don't go down this rabbit hole.

It's not about you, it's a distraction from the bigger stuff. He needs your support more than you need to win this argument. Apologise and move on. My very best wishes to your MIL. I hope her treatment is effective and the side effects not too brutal.

Sorry, no “manipulation” intended - just wanted to make it clear what people were voting on.

I do regret not asking her to keep it to herself, it just honestly did not occur to me at the time. If someone had’ve told me the same news, I’d possibly have told DH but then kept it to myself - I need to remember that not everyone operates the same way I do. As mentioned above, I did apologise to DH for this.

I also don’t see how I was going on at DH to tell others? We had one conversation (less than 5 minutes) about it. I accepted his answer and pointed out that BIL knew so if he did feel the need to discuss it with someone who’s not me, he could be that person.

I think you need to reread my OP - my MIL is not upset, it’s DH.

Just dial down the drama a bit.

Ok so you offloaded onto your mum and should've told her to keep it to herself.

Then you 'advised' your DH about opening up to others when it was his decision.

Now you've made a great big post on Mumsnet to discuss it all.

This is your husband's mother's cancer diagnosis. Just back off and be quietly there when he needs you.

And in the meantime, maybe find something else to occupy yourself with?

Does your MIL know yet?

My dm has cancer for the second time in 3 years. I am.close to my mil but I hadn't told her.
I did the first time, I was able to talk about it. But this time feels different, heavier.

My DH told his mum, and it forced me to have to talk about it to mil. Mil was only being caring asking how my dm and usually there's no reason I wouldn't talk to mil about anything.

But this time it just felt so hard, I want to keep it in.

I wasn't annoyed with DH because I never said not to tell anyone, in fact I probably didn't realise I didn't want to talk about it until I had to.

Your DH might not be annoyed at you it's ALL of it and everyone copes differently at different times.

Again you've just said that your husband, whose mum has just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, is upset.

Your response to this is to post in AIBU, essentially looking for validation for your opinion that he is being unreasonable.

I know it's upsetting for you too but please just concentrate on looking after him, not "proving" him wrong with a poll.

This had not even occurred to me, but makes complete sense - DH has form for getting upset at me/kids when other stressors in his life have set him off (usually work). I’ve been second guessing myself since this went down, I was just so confused about what had changed from 2 weeks ago. I now realise that he knew for well over a week that at least one of my sisters knew but he didn’t say anything to me until yesterday (I’m guessing because he was either annoyed but knew it hadn’t been me that had told or because he wasn’t actually that annoyed). I’m doing my absolute best to support him and get stuff sorted with kids/at home so he doesn’t have to worry about it, as well as support my SILs and their families. My MIL is an absolutely amazing person - she’s been in my life for 18 years (DH and I are high school sweethearts) and I’m devastated that she’s going through this.

Also want to add, this is not the time to be right or wrong.
You've asked for mn opinions, for them, then spent your time doubling down, re-explaining, justifying etc

Just stop.

Regardless of who said what to whom, why are you being so defensive?

Your DH is hurting. Your mil is hurting.

Apologise to your dh and say you didn't realise what would happen by telling your mum.

You don't need to justify it, you don't need to say you didn't realise it was a big secret etc

I have no idea, I haven’t spoken to her or seen her in close to a month. She’s recovering from brain surgery and going through cancer treatment, why would I impose myself on her? I believe she’s aware that quite a few people know the situation - her in-laws, her workplace, her children’s workplaces (as they’re all taking time off), etc so it wouldn’t be outside the realms of possibility that her children’s partner’s families are somewhat aware.

I’m seeing a lot of comments about me needing to be right or wrong. I’m not sure if I just worded my OP poorly, but this is absolutely not what I am asking. As soon as DH told me, I apologised - both for my mum telling others and for not thinking to ask her to keep it to herself. That is on me, and I completely accept responsibility for that.

What I was confused about is that DH seemed annoyed that I’d told my mum at all - but he was well aware of the fact I had told my mum when it happened 2 weeks ago and was not upset about it then. I have been second guessing myself and every action/comment I’m making. I would normally talk to my best friend about this, but as DH is private and doesn’t want our friends to know at this stage (which I am respecting), my options for a sounding board are pretty limited.

I feel like I’m navigating a minefield - I don’t know what is going to set DH off and what isn’t. I don’t know if what I say/do today is going to continue to be okay with him in a week or two, or if he’s going to suddenly be upset by it. I’m trying to support him as best I can while working and keeping our children’s lives and the house running. Upon reflection, I think AIBU was probably the wrong board - the more I delve into my thoughts, the more I realise it’s not about the fact that I told my mum or not, it’s that I’m struggling to know how to best support DH and I don’t think he knows what he needs either.

Sounds like what he's really annoyed about is your sister messaging him out of the blue - it probably caught him off guard to have the topic brought up, at a time he wasn't thinking about it, by someone he wasn't aware was involved at all.

TBF it probably was a bit forward of her to contact him directly, having heard the information third hand, without checking she was 'supposed' to know and that her approach would be welcome. Assuming she knows him well enough to know he's a private person as you say.

ETA: sorry it wasn't your sister was it, it was her boyfriend - yet another level removed from your DH so even worse.

He’s going through a difficult time. It’s going to be hard for him.

it’s not possible for you to have a “this is ok this isn’t” type of guide to it.

sorry.

when my dad was ill sometimes the smallest thing would set me off. I remember crying at a concert when the choir sang a song about the future.

just try to be there for him.

That is a very good point, it probably did catch him off guard. And yes, it was very forward of the boyfriend, although I’m sure it came from a good place as he looks up to DH a lot (my sister and her boyfriend are about 10 years younger than us). I’ll have a word with my mum and my sisters about not spreading the news and that DH will come to them if he wants to talk about it.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this, and I’m sorry you’re hurting, but I’ve been in your DH’s position and I was (and remain) really pissed off about it

Mum had lung cancer. DH told his mother before I got the chance to stop him. I don’t want to project, but MIL is a nosey cunt who dines out on news like this, gossiping to all and sundry about things that really aren’t anything to do with her

DH insisted that, once told, he would need to keep her up to date. She was specifically told not to ask me about it, so instead she asked DH in front of me - neither of them could see that it wasn’t appropriate. I walked away

Anyway, the point is that it wasn’t your story to tell. And it really wasn’t your mum’s place to tell everyone else

I am sorry for what you’re all going through though - it’s shit 😢

I’m so sorry that happened to you.

For all my mum’s faults, being nosey or a gossip she is not, fortunately. She won’t have told anyone else other than my sisters, and she’ll have told them because she’s big on the family rallying around each other in times of need. My mum also knows how DH is and has not brought it up with him once. When he messaged her to say thank you for the info, she responded that she was so sorry to hear the news and that he and MIL would be in her thoughts and prayers. When he spoke about it at dinner last week, she just said to please let her know if there’s anything she can do to support us/his family and moved on. She’s not fishing for info and would never dream of doing that.