Was it wrong of me to tell my mother about MIL’s diagnosis?

[Amariel13]

My MIL has sadly been diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma in her brain. She had RSV about 2 months ago and just never really got better, then about 3 weeks ago she was having excruciating headaches that were so bad she couldn’t sleep through the pain. When she finally admitted this to one of my SIL’s, she took her to the hospital to be checked out. They did some scans and found the growths. She had surgery to remove a couple and has started immunotherapy. It’s very early days but we’re hopeful.

I happened to speak to my mum on the same day MIL was first taken to hospital and mentioned it. Just after the diagnosis, I was chatting with mum on the phone again and she asked how MIL was doing. I told her about the cancer diagnosis. Not in any huge detail, but we did discuss treatments a little (note: my mum battled breast cancer earlier this year, so is familiar with the options). DH knew that I’d told my mum and appreciated her plain English explanation of a couple of the possible treatments. At some point in the week after that, mum told both my sisters about MIL’s diagnosis (unbeknownst to me). We had dinner at my mum’s last week with one of my sister’s and BIL; DH told them about his mum and went into even more detail than I had.

Over the weekend, I asked DH whether he had told any of his friends what was going on or whether he was planning to. He’s a pretty private person and said no. I said that he might appreciate the support, he said that he wanted to be able to have an escape where he didn’t have to talk about it. I said I understood that, and that he’s very close with BIL (basically best friends) so he did have someone he could talk to if needed. DH made a face, then said he only told them because he’d already received a message from my other sister’s boyfriend to say he was sorry to hear the news. DH realised either I or my mum had told my sisters, so figured he’d just get it all out in the open. The way it was said was very accusatory and it was obvious he was mad at me for telling my mum.

While it’s true that I didn’t tell mum not to tell anyone (I didn’t think to), I also didn’t realise this was a secret. They’re his family too, they’re understandably worried about him (and MIL, she’s a wonderful person), and want to support him. On top of that, DH told my step mum about everything the day after I told my mum (before my sisters knew) because he happened to be on the phone with her. She has most definitely told my dad, and I imagine a few other people now know too. I just don’t know why he was okay with me telling my mum and then suddenly wasn’t. Should I not have told her?

YABU - I shouldn’t have told my mum
YANBU - It was fine to tell her, especially as DH knew and even appreciated some of her insights

It was fine to tell her, especially as DH knew and even appreciated some of her insights

I too have had breast cancer. I can tell you that I did not care for anyone else's ie. other cancer patients, even those with breast cancer - insights. And by your own admission, your mother has a different cancer anyway, so it really is not comparable. Mostly though, it was not your diagnosis to share. You did the wrong thing.

This isn’t your news or business to spread!! You and your mother are grief vampires and thrive on other people’s misery and lives that have nothing to do with you!! Your sisters boyfriend messaging your poor husband 😳😳😳 he should have been told he well and truly crossed the line!! He shouldn’t even have known about someone else’s medical diagnosis who he doesn’t know and isn’t related to!! The fact he had the nerve to message your poor husband and tell him he knew is so far off the scale of normal acceptable behavior it boggles the mind! You aren’t close to your mil clearly as haven’t seen her in a month so are just dining out her news and frankly you and your mother are gossiping! Tell your mother not to tell anyone else and don’t tell her anything about anyone else again that is nothing to do with her!!!

Some pretty outlandish assumptions from someone who doesn’t know me or my MIL. How would you know if we’re close or not!? I have not seen or spoken to her in close to a month because she has been recovering from BRAIN SURGERY for 3 of those weeks, and was sick with excruciating headaches the week prior to that. She was in hospital for close to a week, and then has been at home. She barely wants her own children to visit at the moment, why on earth would she want her children in law there? She spends most of her time in bed - she’s not using her phone or anything. I would love to see her but it’s not about me so I’m staying away until she’s ready to have visitors beyond her immediate family. I have been sending meals over with DH and am standby to do anything else she may need during her recovery, as the only support I can really offer her at this time.

I agree with this. You do seem to want to tell people and talk about it and seem disappointed that your husband doesn’t. Just stop. This is real life not some game to gossip about,

Yep.

I have to agree. You and your side of the family sound like gossips. And then go post all the detail on here. Awful.

I don't want to pile on but you're being a bit hypocritical here.

You're giving MIL a wide berth because you're 'beyond immediate family' and 'why on earth would she want her children in law there?'.

Yet you argued the other way to justify telling your mum about it in the first place - They’re his family too, they’re understandably worried about him (and MIL, she’s a wonderful person), and want to support him.

In my family, I’d tell my mum because MIL is her grandchildren’s grandmother - but I’d have to insist she not tell anyone else. The thought wouldn’t occur to her.

If it were the other way round ie my mum had the diagnosis, my MIL would ring all her sisters with the “news” before the day was out, and they’d all talk about it between themselves. We don’t tell her anything until it’s unavoidable.

@Amariel13. Whatever you said or did you would be wrong. In many adverts we are told it’s good to tell about our worries and concerns except that others won’t support that when it doesn’t suit them, as you have found out. They aren’t cutting you much slack for your worries because they don’t know how they are going to cope and their mechanism at the moment is to stay silent and not talk. You just have to leave them to it and explain that you have different needs and did want to talk through your concerns. Some people wear their cancer well and others don’t want to open up. Maybe you have to listen to the room a bit more and certainly just keep it between you and DM. Anyway - you know where you stand in the future. It’s DHs rules and feelings first!

DH did this to me once, sharing something about my mum’s health with his mum. I felt truly betrayed. It was something that my family were dealing with and it was not for him to tell his mum. And it wasn’t that he told her because he needed support, he just told her because he thought she should know.

This is not your news. He’s the one going through it and it’s your job to support him, not tell others just because.

And I agree with others, your attitude here is poor. You’ve posted, set up a vote that is designed to try and get support for you, and argued with posters who have told you you were in the wrong. It’s really poor behaviour from you.

You need to focus on supporting your husband, not trying to prove yourself right.

Your MiL is a person in her own right, so its not up to your DH to gatekeep who gets to know about her illness and who its kept private from. The only person you should have checked with is her. However I appreciate you may have thought it unnecessary if they don't see her/know her well. Your H has the right not to have to talk about it with people, but all he needs to do is tell them, surely?

Except it doesn’t sound like she told her mum because she needed support. She told her mum simply because her mum asked.

And her mum then went on and told other people. And they then told other people.

And of course it’s DH’s rules and feelings first - his mum has got stage 4 cancer and he needs his wife to support him. Men have feelings and emotions too, you know. They’re not being controlling dicks because they expect their partners to have their backs.

How is it hypocritical? I have already said that I would love nothing more than to go visit MIL and look after her, but I am staying away at her request. She has been spending most of her time in bed, she is groggy and having issues with her memory (completely understandable - she had brain surgery after all) and does not want us all there. She is tolerating having her children around because she knows they will turn up regardless and she needs someone there with her. She has asked them to leave multiple times because she doesn’t want them to see her like this. I am not going to add to her distress by imposing myself on her. If she asked for me, I’d be there in a heartbeat. She has been in my life for over half of my life - she is a second mother to me and I hate that this is happening to her.

In the same vein, my parents view DH as a son and my sisters view him as a brother. My younger sister was only 4 when DH and I started dating - she doesn’t actually remember a time when he was not part of our family. So yes, they want to know that he is okay and want to support him in his time of need.

My sister’s boyfriend was absolutely far too forward in sending DH a message - I have already spoken to my mum about that this afternoon and she was mortified, as she knows how DH is. She said she told my sisters because she knew I would need support and may need some help with the kids. She knew they’d probably tell their partners but never thought the boyfriend would reach out like that, and apologised that he did and she didn’t prevent it.

WOW!
Totally out of order. Be careful how you respond to people!
Aren't you unpleasant.

Discussing someones private medical issues, you should have asked first if it was ok to share the news with your family.

Telling your mum was one thing but for her not to keep it to herself is pretty bad. It’s personal information of your MIL’s.

If you have a medical issue are you happy for your MIL to discuss it with anyone she sees fit?

The person is unwell is the one to choose, no one else gets that choice.

People deal with bad news differently. Some talk while others prefer to partition dealing and others prefer not to talk. Sometimes if you are not a talker feeling like you have people approaching from all sides to express their feelings is overwhelming and leads you to regret talking about it in the first place even though logically there were people you have to tell.
In this case your mum’s initial input was welcome, the conversation seems to have taken place in person so your husband was mentally prepared for it. however, when your sister’s boyfriend contacted out of the blue via text it was a different scenario. The message while well intentioned possibly came through at a bad time and emotionally and mentally your DH was not open to that.
All you can do is be there and listen and act as a buffer for well meaning people by suggesting they contact you before messaging your DH

Your DH ‘seemed to be mad’, ‘seemed to be annoyed’, ‘made a face’

Stop making assumptions and just talk to him.

I’d be annoyed if I was your DH.

My MIL has form for sharing personal stuff, so DH asked her not to share that I had cancer until I was ready. 2 days later I bumped into her with a friend, who she said she had just told.

You are totally out of line too. It's completely unnecessary and unfair to call OP's mum a bitch.

I do see why he’s upset to be honest and like a pp it’s hard to choose the right option. YANBU to want to tell your mother but she absolutely shouldn’t have been telling other people. And that’s on you so YABU. This is your DH‘s emotional territory not yours and he should’ve been able to control the information flow.

I don’t think it’s totally unreasonable that you told your mum. My SIL’s mother is in late stages of breast cancer and my mum / SIL speak about it all the time. She is family after all. I guess where you were wrong was in not telling her to hold off telling anyone else as you know your DH is very private. Obviously your mum meant well and some of these comments are ridiculous. Your family clearly care very much about your DH and she was just thinking practically about you needing help with the DC, not going around gossiping to everyone. You’ve apologised, presumably you’ve told your sister and her bf not to mention again in front of DH. All you can do now is support them both as much as possible.

This post is a disgrace, you should be ashamed for having written it.

I'm so puzzled by this whole thread and feel awful for the poor OP who was just reaching out to her family for support - not for gossip. Weve recently experienced serious illness and friends and family need support as well as the ill person. Its bloody hard and will be for OP as she picks up slack and emotional support. When friends and family told others about our situation I felt nothing other than love and care. I get her DH is different but should that remove her right to gain support from her close family.