Was it wrong of me to tell my mother about MIL’s diagnosis?

[Amariel13]

My MIL has sadly been diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma in her brain. She had RSV about 2 months ago and just never really got better, then about 3 weeks ago she was having excruciating headaches that were so bad she couldn’t sleep through the pain. When she finally admitted this to one of my SIL’s, she took her to the hospital to be checked out. They did some scans and found the growths. She had surgery to remove a couple and has started immunotherapy. It’s very early days but we’re hopeful.

I happened to speak to my mum on the same day MIL was first taken to hospital and mentioned it. Just after the diagnosis, I was chatting with mum on the phone again and she asked how MIL was doing. I told her about the cancer diagnosis. Not in any huge detail, but we did discuss treatments a little (note: my mum battled breast cancer earlier this year, so is familiar with the options). DH knew that I’d told my mum and appreciated her plain English explanation of a couple of the possible treatments. At some point in the week after that, mum told both my sisters about MIL’s diagnosis (unbeknownst to me). We had dinner at my mum’s last week with one of my sister’s and BIL; DH told them about his mum and went into even more detail than I had.

Over the weekend, I asked DH whether he had told any of his friends what was going on or whether he was planning to. He’s a pretty private person and said no. I said that he might appreciate the support, he said that he wanted to be able to have an escape where he didn’t have to talk about it. I said I understood that, and that he’s very close with BIL (basically best friends) so he did have someone he could talk to if needed. DH made a face, then said he only told them because he’d already received a message from my other sister’s boyfriend to say he was sorry to hear the news. DH realised either I or my mum had told my sisters, so figured he’d just get it all out in the open. The way it was said was very accusatory and it was obvious he was mad at me for telling my mum.

While it’s true that I didn’t tell mum not to tell anyone (I didn’t think to), I also didn’t realise this was a secret. They’re his family too, they’re understandably worried about him (and MIL, she’s a wonderful person), and want to support him. On top of that, DH told my step mum about everything the day after I told my mum (before my sisters knew) because he happened to be on the phone with her. She has most definitely told my dad, and I imagine a few other people now know too. I just don’t know why he was okay with me telling my mum and then suddenly wasn’t. Should I not have told her?

YABU - I shouldn’t have told my mum
YANBU - It was fine to tell her, especially as DH knew and even appreciated some of her insights

I suspect you’re getting the brunt of some misguided hurt and anger, given he was telling people - but this is now something else he’s lost control of and that’s likely to stir up some emotions.

However, my DH family treat other people’s medical episodes like a news story. I am always cringing about MIL relaying a practical stranger’s (to us) latest diagnosis to us.

I’m much more private and as a result I’m much more explicit to DH about what he can and can’t tell his mum about my and my family’s health because I know she’ll be telling her neighbour and SIL and I actually can’t bear that - I think health matters should be on a need to know basis or communicated by the person with the health issue themselves.

Yes, thank you - I’ve stopped following the thread and plan to ignore any notifications from now. I’m fairly new to MN and am kind of astounded that people don’t read updates before posting? Anyway, I just wanted to post my final update of having cleared the air with DH and will continue to focus on him and the rest of my in-laws, as well as our kids who keep asking to see grandma and don’t understand how sick she is. I’m waiting for him to get home from the hospital so we can talk about what’s happening - they’ve seen the oncologist now and it sounds like something has changed.

I think it was fine to tell your Mum, however it was not your news so your should have insisted on her not sharing the information.

It doesn't matter what your DH thinks, it is his mother's news to tell about herself. Both of you needed to hold the news closer. I can see how your DH is very upset on a few levels. Upset with you, with himself and mostly for his mother.

You all should have been more careful and protective of another person's intimate news.

If ever I am told such news, I would never spread it or act like I knew about it when seeing MIL. Your mother and you repeated heresay; that is not respectful.

I am not sure why you are on here posting about it. You did something that you thought would be the right thing to do and it wasn't. Accept it, apologise and shut up.

Yes. It was not your news to share. Going forward, don't discuss any of it without explicit permission.

I can understand why you confided in your own mother as you could need someone to talk to yourself. As you now know though (and regret not doing), you should have told her to be discreet and not spread it to others until DH himself did so. You won't make that mistake again.

So other than not telling her to keep it to herself until further notice, you did nothing wrong. It was also very indiscreet and insensitive of other family members to begin messaging your DH about MIL. Though it was probably kindly intentioned.

Good god, the level of detail and updates you’re still putting on here about your MIL going back to hospital, and the way that you’re going on at you’re husband for updates and making it all about you being upset that he’s not keeping you up to date. In his position I would just want anyone doing this to stfu. You need to shut up about it, including here.

I actually think it’s weird & pointless keeping this sort of stuff a secret??

YABU

Not your story to tell. You could have kept it vague with your own DM saying MIL was in hospital without going into detail about the full diagnosis.

Your DM is also 100% in the wrong for speaking about this with others. It’s not gossip. Cancer is never gossip. Your DM has no reason not right to speak about it to your extended family, who would then bring it up to your DH who is understandably directly affected by this diagnosis.

In all your DH does have every right to be upset with you. This isn’t about you, nor is this about your “need to talk/vent” either. Your DH was put in an anwkward, uncomfortable and upsetting position while still trying to come to terms privately with his mother’s diagnosis. He shouldn’t have had to speak about it to your family until he was ready. Accept responsibility and apologise.

It’s not about secret - it’s about giving the people directly affected enough time to accept the news and come to terms with it it before they have to discuss it publicly and answer questions.

My DH was just diagnosed with testicular cancer and he wanted at least a week to gather himself and tell his own family and friends before it was being spread around and before he had to deal with anyone texting/calling him about it. A close friend did not respect this and told another and he felt completely out of control in a circumstance he already felt out of control.

If you aren’t supporting the person directly then surely you can kindly shut up. It’s not your news to tell.

You were very unreasonable.

Your MIL and DH should have been in control of when to share this information, to whom and in what detail.

Both my parents were very private people and did not want their cancer diagnosis shared with anyone. Giving a family member palliative care and they wider family have no idea. I disagree, it is not up to me.

Maybe because one put of two of us will get cancer, people think information is best shared for the public good. It is not. A lot of people did not want to share medical information.

I had major surgery this year, and this is exactly why I didn’t tell parents, siblings, or in-laws; your medical history becomes gossip. No thank you.

Fuck cancer.

I hope your MIL gets what's she needs. Sending positivity across the universe for her, your DH, our DC and rest of the family. X

I had a very similar situation when I was diagnosed with cancer.

My DP told his family. I hadn't spoken to my family and wanted to do it in person. But I was rushed into having to do it over the phone because I had to tell them before the gossip created by his family got back to them.

I was furious with him. Livid.

It wasn't your information to pass on. It's so bloody obvious I think you're being deliberately obtuse refusing to see that.

So your poor MIL has had some awful, deeply upsetting news, so you decide to spread gossip between your entire family and everyone on mumsnet. Your poor DH having to deal with you on top of his mothers diagnosis.

My take on it would be your DH knew you had told your mum, you told her for a “ good reason” she knows your MIL presumably cares about how she is and also your mum went through her own cancer experience so understands how difficult it can be.
Your mum then told your siblings who then told their boyfriends and goodness knows who else, your DH probably thinks this was not for a good reason and that his mum’s illness has now become a topic of gossip for all and sundry. I think he’s right to be upset.

This is quite odd - I don’t understand why you’ve not seen her in a month! Surely the one person who might need some support is your MIL.

This

I think this is a bit mean. OP is asking for advice as to why people think her DH is upset with her now, when he seemed OK with it at the time. I don’t think it’s about proving him wrong with a poll, I think it’s more about the next steps as OP isn’t clear on how to handle it.

Next steps, she needs to shut up.

To be honest, when I had cancer treatment I was advised to limit the number of visitors because of the risk of infection. Treatments can wipe out your immune system so it’s not wise to mix with others any more than necessary.

Which is a very unkind thing to say to an OP posting for genuine advice. No wonder so many OP’s abandon their threads.

Unless your MIL expressly asked you not to, I don’t think you did anything wrong.

I have melanoma, not of the brain, though close, thankfully mine looks to be curable and treatment has been successful so far. It’s incredibly early days for MIL so far, but it’s a completely normal thing to talk about what’s going on in your family to the people close to you. If she asked you not to say anything to anyone, okay, fine, don’t. But otherwise, this is what people talk about.

Your dh might not appreciate it now, but it actually helps so much when other people do the spreading of the news. I am so grateful for Dh and family and friends who had those conversations so i didn’t have to. Blurting out, oh I have cancer in every conversation is a real drag. I hate having to do it. I’m so glad everyone just knows now. Sure, it’s my health information, but I’m not sure that trumps, say, dh’s need to tell people to get support, for example.

But the really great thing about everyone knowing is that people can ask how you are. I find it really hard, over a year in now, when people ask how I am, to be like, okay, fine ish but this cancer thing is shit. Or I’m so tired because cancer. Or great, but I can barely walk because my feet are rubbed raw with a rash from the treatment. I feel like no one wants to talk about cancer. But the more people who know, the more will actually ask about it.

Your Dh may feel like he doesn’t want to talk about it with his friends. But in 6 months time, when MIL is really ill from the immunotherapy and everyone is anxious about her scan next week, he will be grateful if Darren down at the pub says, actually how are you doing with everything with your mum? How are things going for her? It’s so nice to be invited to talk about it and not feel like a burden bringing up the sad cancer stuff all the time. That can only happen if people know.

Beyond that, ultimately, this is about your MIL who is actually living with a cancer diagnosis and going through treatment, not about your Dh. She will also likely be very grateful that people know and she doesn’t have to have the same conversation 16 times and people can check in on her. The people who turn up to support you are not the ones you think, but they need to know before they can give support. As someone who has been there, more people knowing can only be a good thing I think.

I think this is the most likely scenario.

Genuine advice? The level of detail and the need to tell people here the update about her MIL going back into hospital, this is just an example of grief vulture culture. As a pp said, I feel sorry for her husband dealing with his mother being poorly and then having a wife like this on top. She should take pressure off, instead she is adding to his stress.