Was it wrong of me to tell my mother about MIL’s diagnosis?

[Amariel13]

My MIL has sadly been diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma in her brain. She had RSV about 2 months ago and just never really got better, then about 3 weeks ago she was having excruciating headaches that were so bad she couldn’t sleep through the pain. When she finally admitted this to one of my SIL’s, she took her to the hospital to be checked out. They did some scans and found the growths. She had surgery to remove a couple and has started immunotherapy. It’s very early days but we’re hopeful.

I happened to speak to my mum on the same day MIL was first taken to hospital and mentioned it. Just after the diagnosis, I was chatting with mum on the phone again and she asked how MIL was doing. I told her about the cancer diagnosis. Not in any huge detail, but we did discuss treatments a little (note: my mum battled breast cancer earlier this year, so is familiar with the options). DH knew that I’d told my mum and appreciated her plain English explanation of a couple of the possible treatments. At some point in the week after that, mum told both my sisters about MIL’s diagnosis (unbeknownst to me). We had dinner at my mum’s last week with one of my sister’s and BIL; DH told them about his mum and went into even more detail than I had.

Over the weekend, I asked DH whether he had told any of his friends what was going on or whether he was planning to. He’s a pretty private person and said no. I said that he might appreciate the support, he said that he wanted to be able to have an escape where he didn’t have to talk about it. I said I understood that, and that he’s very close with BIL (basically best friends) so he did have someone he could talk to if needed. DH made a face, then said he only told them because he’d already received a message from my other sister’s boyfriend to say he was sorry to hear the news. DH realised either I or my mum had told my sisters, so figured he’d just get it all out in the open. The way it was said was very accusatory and it was obvious he was mad at me for telling my mum.

While it’s true that I didn’t tell mum not to tell anyone (I didn’t think to), I also didn’t realise this was a secret. They’re his family too, they’re understandably worried about him (and MIL, she’s a wonderful person), and want to support him. On top of that, DH told my step mum about everything the day after I told my mum (before my sisters knew) because he happened to be on the phone with her. She has most definitely told my dad, and I imagine a few other people now know too. I just don’t know why he was okay with me telling my mum and then suddenly wasn’t. Should I not have told her?

YABU - I shouldn’t have told my mum
YANBU - It was fine to tell her, especially as DH knew and even appreciated some of her insights

When my mum got cancer she was adamant she didn’t want anyone to know except us. We respected her wishes although I did need to tell Pil in the end as we were needing childcare (Pil knew not to tell anyone and are not connected to my mum)
if your mil or dh didn’t want anyone to know they should have said, it’s a normal thing to tell immediate family. And the fact you dh told some of your family himself suggests he’s okay with people knowing.
He’s having a rough time I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and let it go. He’s probably just taking it out on you.
But no it doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong.

You really messed up. It wasn't your news to tell.

its a fluid situation
it will be tough for DH whatever
and you have told them now
so just be there for your DH

When people get terrible news like this, managing how and when to tell people can be a way of feeling that they still have some control, autonomy and privacy in a situation that feels uncontrollable. It really matters, even if it’s hard to see that from the outside.

You did the wrong thing.

Sharing someone else's private information without their permission is a kind of theft.

OP I get why you spoke to your mum and it's unfortunate she told so many people. All you can do now is apologize and some damage limitation. I just wanted to add a bit that might help you understand your DH's perspective.
I've recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, I am a talker, I need to talk about it or it feels like my head is going to explode. There are others who want to keep that info private as that's their way of coping. Both ways of coping are fine if the person experiencing the illness is in control. One aspect of being open about a diagnosis that I hadn't anticipated is having to deal with other people's reactions to your diagnosis, it's draining. I know how contradictory that sounds but when there's a lot of emotional turmoil sometimes you just are contradictory.
Your DH is possibly feeling out of control because his mum is seriously ill, has been through a horrendous operation, and this is horrendous for the family as well. My mum had a brain tumour and was operated on twice and it's bloody awful whilst they are in surgery and whilst you are waiting to see if there are any personality changes as a result afterwards. To cope with that and then have an unsolicited message that you didn't want nor expect can just light an already shortened fuse. Please note I am not blaming the boyfriend here, he thought everything was out in the open and it was appropriate (and kind) to send a message. You need to ask your family to stop talking about it and you need to take a breath and see what your DH needs from you and try to be there for him in the way he needs going forward.

Thank you to all the constructive posters, whether you’ve agreed with how everything has gone down or not. I do not think I’ve been argumentative in my responses (maybe a little defensive, but I don’t appreciate having my character - or my mother’s - assassinated by people who do not know me). But it is very frustrating when people continue to harp on about the same things despite repeated comments that their version of events is false.

I want to stress again that DH knew I was telling my mum when it happened - and he was okay with that. And then 2 weeks later he seemed to do a complete 180 and was coming across as annoyed/upset that I’d told her (along with the added annoyance of her having told my sisters, and one of their partners reaching out to DH - which I did understand and apologised for). I was second guessing whether telling her at all was the right move even with DH’s “blessing”.

I have just spoken with DH and there were things going on with MIL yesterday that I was not aware of, and I think this has been the catalyst for his anger/upset. I knew that he was going to spend today with MIL, what I did not know is that SIL took her back to hospital yesterday afternoon due to another excruciating headache that medication couldn’t touch. He had been on the phone a bit yesterday but whenever I asked if everything was okay he said it was fine. So he has been in at the hospital all day when I thought he was at MIL’s house. I asked him why he didn’t tell me, and he said he just sort of shut down - SIL was panicking and thinking things were really bad, and was talking about palliative care. MIL is doing a lot better today, they’ve given her a new medication that is working for her pain and she’ll be seeing her oncologist shortly for a plan moving forward so everyone has calmed down a bit. I apologised for coming across pushy about telling his friends yesterday, and again for my mum telling my sisters. He said we could’ve been talking about anything and he probably would’ve snapped; he’d not long gotten off the phone with SIL and was very stressed and on edge. He said while he doesn’t want to talk about it, he really appreciates how much my family cares and understands that there are people who have to/should know (but that he still doesn’t want our friends to know unless necessary, which I will continue to respect). And he apologised for keeping me in the dark about this new hospitalisation. I’m a bit hurt that he didn’t tell me but also can’t imagine thinking my mum was going to need palliative care. We’re going to do our best to navigate this situation as a more united front.

I have seen very similar threads before where MIL has been told medical news and the poster has been distraught about private news concerning her being shared with someone outside her family. It does seem on MN that posters can be really insensitive about their MILS but their own mothers have to be protected at all costs. It is always, always important to remember not to share other people’s medical news. You were out of order, OP and there may come a time when you don’t want your husband to share something about you or your family. Apologise and be led by him in future.

With hindsight , you should have asked DH if you could tell your mum and at the same time asked if she was allowed to tell anyone else. But you didn’t think of that and it’s too late now. Apologise to DH And support him now.

Thank you for your comment; I’m so sorry about your diagnosis and wish you all the best.

I don’t know if you caught this in my OP, but my mum actually had a breast cancer diagnosis and underwent treatment earlier this year - it wasn’t as serious as MIL’s diagnosis, as it was caught early, but was still incredibly stressful and scary at the time (and I was the one going to all appts with her). So I have somewhat been where DH is, and also wanted to keep it very private - but that did not extend to MIL and SILs, and I was happy for them to know (which DH knew, he told them so I wouldn’t have to). MIL was actually a wonderful support to me during this time, which my mum knows and is hugely appreciative of. My mum didn’t think the boyfriend would reach out and was so apologetic when she found out, she said she didn’t think to ask him to keep it quiet because DH is very private. And my conversation with DH today has revealed he isn’t actually upset about that, which is why he didn’t say anything when it happened. I know that we all cope with things differently and am doing my best to support DH, part of the problem is that he doesn’t seem to know what he needs.

When a close relative had bowel cancer, I didn’t want anyone to know until after the pathology tests post op to establish staging and post op treatment. It is upsetting to find people have been gossiping about a cancer diagnosis without knowing the full picture

I would immediately tell MIL or DM when they were both around as they spoke regularly and would absolutely want to know. Someone not knowing could be put in a really awkward position.

Look, we're a close family as well on both sides but I simply do not speak to my mum and sisters about personal stuff on DH's side and vice versa. I keep that boundary because it's respectful to both sides. Only when it's absolutely necessary (eg. Childcare needed) and having discussed with DH first. Maybe you need to adopt a similar approach.

@Irenesortof DH knew I was telling my mum and had ample opportunity to say if he didn’t want me to. He was fine with me telling her. Yes, in hindsight I should have asked if it was okay for her to tell my sisters or asked her to keep it quiet for now, which I have apologised to him for.

In our family it would be completely normal to share the news of the diagnosis and would be bafflingly strange not to share it. My mum always asks after my MIL and vice versa, it would so odd to lie and say oh yeah she’s fine, when she isn’t.

Glad to read that you've had a further conversation with your DH and have sorted things somewhat. Don't be upset that he didn't tell you he was at the hospital. Firstly, he was distracted and secondly, after how quickly the initial news spread, he was understandably cautious. I think from here onwards you need to keep details of MILs situation and treatments to yourself and if your mum asks, advise her that it's not your place to share any more details of MILs treatment. Be honest with her and let her know DH was shocked at getting a call from your DSis BF and realising how quickly the information was spreading. It was so inappropriate of her to be telling your sisters.

Edited to add: I don't think your DH is annoyed with you for telling your mum per se, he's probably more irritated that she then went on to spread the news within her family. It's your mum he's annoyed at and you just caught the brunt of it.

YADNBU. It's not even your DH's information, it's his mother's information. Sheesh.

I imagine he's lashing out because he's upset about the reality of the situation.

You can’t do more than that. He’s probably directing his upset about his mum to other things.

Your DH was ok about it two weeks ago, because at that point it was a passing thing, without the bigger implications, and it wasn’t lots of people talking about him and his mum behind their backs.

He’s now much more stressed, it’s got much more significant implications, and it’s become very apparent people are talking about the situation without him, and also bringing it into the centre of what could have been a relaxed social evening.

The context has changed hugely. That’s why his response has changed.

For future, if you need support, use your mum. But ask her not to make it a wider discussion. And cut your husband some slack.

Sounds like he’s just overwhelmed.
Don’t overthink it. Just apologise, say what he needs to hear, and be supportive. It’s a tough time. xx

Personally I wouldn't talk about peoples health issues to anyone. So many people I hear saying "ohhh do you know so and so has cancer... such a shame.."

Its gossip and it gives me the ick. Medical notes are confidential for a reason.
So I would be annoyed

This. Just apologise and be supportive to DH and your MiL.

Honestly @Amariel13 I’d step back from the thread now. You know why DH was upset, and you’ve taken steps to sort things with your mum, so your OP doesn’t reflect the situation anymore. Posters won’t read your updates and you’re going to continue to get all sorts of accusations and comments from people that want to stick the boot in.

It’s good that you spoke with your husband, have your answers and cleared the air. I’m sorry that there was more bad news though. Now is definitely the time to focus on MIL and each other, not defending yourself on MN. Best wishes

I think telling your mother anything needs a warning for her to keep it quiet if she is capable of that.

Her blabbering to your sisters and then her boyfriend contacting your husband is in the poorest of taste.
I do not consider that normal behaviour.

You haven't seen your MIL in a month, so hardly sounds a close relationship.
Keep her medical business private, especially as your family have no idea how to keep news quiet.

There is something so distasteful about people who see serious illness as gossip fodder.

Your husband has every right to hope you would be discreet with his mothers medical news.

Learn from this.

How would you feel if someone you thought you could trust, shared your private medical information without asking? You have acted without a shred of discretion or professionalism. Your MIL has every right to be upset. You've used her very scary & private diagnosis as a juicy bit of gossip. That's horrible.

Agree. I'd be so angry. You had no right.