I want to start eating meals as a family but there are so many hurdles to overcome

[Rockininthefreeworld]

Please don't judge me. I'm really looking for some advice and just feel so dissatisfied with our whole set-up 😔

I have felt bad about the fact that we never eat as a family. We have two children, age 6 and 2, and they always eat separately to us. This is for a number of reasons...

1. DH is a very fussy eater, and won't eat 90% of the things I make for the children
2. DH and I both work full-time until around 6pm, making eating together quite challenging. Having said that, we both work from home a lot, so it is do-able with some planning (but then, see point 1...)
3. We have a kitchen island but no room for a dining table, which means eating together in the kitchen is just sitting in a row. This makes conversations feel a bit challenging.
4. We have a dining room (although carpeted...) and I'd love us all to eat in there, but DH gets very very funny about mess and smells. I've tried to approach the subject but he just gets annoyed and shuts it down. He uses the dining room to work, which is very annoying to be honest because I feel like that's a whole social room that we've just completely lost out on.

The 2 year old is at nursery full time which does give him "social eating" time, and I think the 6 year old is fine because we do eat out and I often go back to my parents where we sit together at the table. But, he also gets very bored if I'm not constantly entertaining him and he's not a stranger to the tablet at the table. I hate that and feel quite ashamed.

I just don't know how to handle this. I feel so dissatisfied with the whole arrangement, but DH isn't going to support me with it and it feels difficult trying to do it in the kitchen anyway. I just want us to have a nice family meal together, even just at the weekends, but even if we manage that it still has to be in the friggin' kitchen and no-one will talk to me, DS will moan for his tablet and DH will be on his phone. I've tried to implement this before (in the kitchen), and it just felt pointless in the end because I felt like I was fighting a losing battle.

Does anyone have any advice? 🙁

This sounds like your DH is the main problem here. He doesn’t want you to eat in the dining room and he won’t eat the food you cook. What food will he eat and what food do you usually cook for the kids? Can you come up with a list of food you will all eat?

large cheap rug down under the dining room table and just start eating there with the kids. TBH your husband sounds pretty draining.

Stick some flowers or a fairy light string in the middle, buy some napkins and go for it even if it’s cheese and biscuits or tinned soup.

I would be ignoring him about the dining room, that’s what it’s made for FFS
he can sort his own food out, you sit and eat with the children so they get one parent modelling family meals

Does it have to be a full meal? We eat sandwiches all together in the lounge and chat

You start eating with the kids and DH can eat later.

What kinds of foods are the kids eating and what does DH eat.

If DH working from home then he can chuck some thing into the slow cooker so it’s ready from when the kids come home from nursery.

If you both work from home, where do you work from, and can’t you swap work rooms so that your husband isn’t working in the dining room and doesn’t have to have food in his workspace?

I would be having family meals with my children at the dining table and if DH didn’t like it he could lump it. Realistically if he won’t eat what you have he needs to either bring his own food or just sit and chat while you all eat.

If I want to eat with DH later I sometimes just have a really small portion of whatever the kids are having for dinner with them. You could do that if you really want to eat with your husband but given he doesn’t eat what you eat and he sits on his phone, I say stuff him and do your own thing with the kids. They’ll remember whether you all sat down together or not. You could even play a little game or do a kids jigsaw or something post teatime and before bed.

Yeah your dh is the one putting up barriers here. We always eat together even though it can be tricky sometimes and the one rule I have is even if you’re not eating with us - so if dh is going out for food later or if the kids have already eaten at after school club or whatever - you still have to sit up at the table with us. I actually think k eating together is really important when you’re all mega busy during the day. I think you need to tell dh how important it is to you and I suppose whatever happens next will tell you how much he cares about what you want.

Why does your 6 year old have a tablet? They are absolutely hideous for the developing brain. Tbh I think that’s more of an issue than the not eating together

If it’s his office and he doesn’t want people eating in there, then fine (I know a lot of people who wouldn’t want to eat in their office). Can you get rid of the kitchen island?

As he is the fussy one, I only hope he is making his meals as then he gets what he likes. Can he incorporate other people’s preferences or cook for him and the children so you only have to cook for yourself or eat what he eats if you don’t want to cook?

I don’t see why you all had to eat together every day. Prioritise weekends when you aren’t working.

Op despite having more time we manage to eat around dining table 3 times a week roughly because there’s after school activities or tea time with GPs. So if you can do it a few times a week that’s an achievement. Your biggest obstacle is your husband, you won’t get these years back so start using your dining room. No phones and tablet is important too so everyone is chatting about their day. Engage theb6 year old so he forgets about his tablet x

What foods does your husband eat? What do your kids eat? You need to plan things and come up with meals you all eat even if that means coming up with variations for either dh or the kids. We have a fussy child but it doesn't stop us eating together.

I'm sorry but I'm at a loss with the dining room/table thing. You have a dining room cant work out why your husband doesn't want it in a mess. Where does he eat then?

As for your son on the tablet on meals I think the solution is just to engage with him? I dont really get it not judging but we have never had screens during meals can't understand how that one started to be honest

Tell DC the rules have changed - no tablet at meal times, no arguments. End of. They’ll be used to it in a week and will stop moaning when they see you’re not budging.

Agree with PPs you have a DH problem. If he’s fussy let him cook for himself, you cook for you and the DC and eat with them or get DH to cook half the meals inc things he likes.

Insist on using the dining room- put a rug down and just use one end of the table if DH wants to keep space for his work stuff. Start off with a weekly family meal or two on weekends and build up, but it needs to be family time with no screens, everyone talking and your DH getting over himself.

I mean there's absolutely no fancy cooking going on in our house. I use the air fryer for almost everything 🤣 The kids quite like fish (like breaded cod fillets), but of course that smells and then DH will go crazy if I bring that smell into the dining room...😔 DH has issues with all sorts (sensory issues), which makes cooking generally very challenging. But I worry that DS (6) can't really sit at the table properly unless there's a tablet in front of him. I think he's fine at school though.

When at my parents (DH isn't usually there for this) we play memory type games at the table, which is great, but it takes an awful lot of effort to keep him sitting down and demonstrating something resembling table manners

@Bigpinksweater he has an Amazon fire tablet which he liked to play maths games on, like hit the button. He does watch some netflix shows on it but mostly he just likes reading eggs or hit the button. I think his brain is fine...

Came here to say cheap rug under the table but someone beat me to it. Start small with eating in there on a weekend and maybe 1 night through the week. Could you play a game at the table afterwards so that the children get excited for the game afterwards and in turn become excited for meals at the table? Just make DH an amended version of what you’re having! One of the best things I ever bought was a serving dish with 4 different parts. I load it up with salad/fruit/cheese to accompany whatever we are having and everyone helps themselves. The conversation often naturally flows from there rather than us all sat being ‘served’.
Well done for trying OP and good luck!x

Well it obviously isn’t fine as he’s unable to sit and eat quietly for a few minutes. Please, please switch it off and put it in the loft. He’s 6, he needs you to choose proper parenting over quick fixes with long term side effects.

I can really tell the difference between children who are used to sitting at the table for meals and those who aren’t (when my children have friends for tea). You sound lovely. It’ll be worth the effort for your children. You could say that every Sunday you eat a Sunday lunch at the table in the dining room or similar.

Your husband is the problem. I don't know what you do about that, but what does he actually bring to the table?

Step up and parent! You are the boss! Do you remember growing up? There was no tablet, was there? So your kids can eat without tablets too.

Your husband… well I’ve no advice there. Was he such a pain in the arse before you had children?

Read your update, ban screens at the table. it’ll be impossible to restrict once he’s older if you don’t.

You need a total reset, for everyone.

The dining room is for exactly that- dining. DH can work from there if he wants to but it will be used for it’s actual purpose, he can get used to that or work elsewhere.

Screen time for kids while eating stops immediately, and permanently, without exception. No tablet, no phone, no TV, it’s really bad for them not just their attention span but it prevents them being able to learn to eat mindfully and stop when they are full because they are distracted. It will be rough for a week or so and then it just becomes your new normal, say no, every time.

Meal plan- you can make a family activity out of this. For example maybe everyone gets to choose one meal each and you go from there.

I would start with weekends. Eat main meal Sunday together and maybe Saturday breakfast or lunch. I find a roast chicken tends to be something most adults and kids will eat. Breakfast easy too.

Then build from there. I try to make sure there will be one aspect of the meal everyone likes and tweak around that.

Even if your husband doesn't want to eat what you eat he is a father with responsibility for ensuring have all the skills they need to go out into the world. Table manners is one of them. Will he sit with you and help your children learn then perhaps eat afterwards if he's so picky. Surely he does eat. Can't he eat his different food in the same room? He obviously manages that when you eat out (and there are dozens of other people and smells in the room.

Family mealtimes with small children are hard work.

i remember my dad saying how lovely it was to eat as a family when I was wrangling my four year old twins and I just looked at him and he did have the grace to say “maybe not at this age”.

so if you want to eat in a more traditional way, it’s often easier to do it at lunchtime on the weekends.

is there a table in the dining room or is it completely set up as an office? In summer it’s often easier to eat outside and outside tables and chairs can be pretty cheap and you don’t have the smell issue.

if you do have a table in the dining room buy a cheap plastic mat or something to go underneath it (2 year olds are messy!) and maybe start with an inoffensive food - fish is notoriously smelly.