I want to start eating meals as a family but there are so many hurdles to overcome

[Rockininthefreeworld]

Please don't judge me. I'm really looking for some advice and just feel so dissatisfied with our whole set-up 😔

I have felt bad about the fact that we never eat as a family. We have two children, age 6 and 2, and they always eat separately to us. This is for a number of reasons...

1. DH is a very fussy eater, and won't eat 90% of the things I make for the children
2. DH and I both work full-time until around 6pm, making eating together quite challenging. Having said that, we both work from home a lot, so it is do-able with some planning (but then, see point 1...)
3. We have a kitchen island but no room for a dining table, which means eating together in the kitchen is just sitting in a row. This makes conversations feel a bit challenging.
4. We have a dining room (although carpeted...) and I'd love us all to eat in there, but DH gets very very funny about mess and smells. I've tried to approach the subject but he just gets annoyed and shuts it down. He uses the dining room to work, which is very annoying to be honest because I feel like that's a whole social room that we've just completely lost out on.

The 2 year old is at nursery full time which does give him "social eating" time, and I think the 6 year old is fine because we do eat out and I often go back to my parents where we sit together at the table. But, he also gets very bored if I'm not constantly entertaining him and he's not a stranger to the tablet at the table. I hate that and feel quite ashamed.

I just don't know how to handle this. I feel so dissatisfied with the whole arrangement, but DH isn't going to support me with it and it feels difficult trying to do it in the kitchen anyway. I just want us to have a nice family meal together, even just at the weekends, but even if we manage that it still has to be in the friggin' kitchen and no-one will talk to me, DS will moan for his tablet and DH will be on his phone. I've tried to implement this before (in the kitchen), and it just felt pointless in the end because I felt like I was fighting a losing battle.

Does anyone have any advice? 🙁

Just solidarity I’m afraid. I have a fussy particular DH as well as being fussy and particular myself (although willing to eat far more of the kids friendly stuff than he is) along with an autistic ADHD 5 year old and an adventurous but highly strung 4 year old and finding a single meal everyone is willing to eat feels like a form of torture. Not to mention DH is a doctor on and off shifts and never hungry at the same time as anyone else. For a long time I felt like this was us because of DS’s high needs SEN but this same conversation recently broke out at one of my daughters school parties and all the other mums without any SEN involved were saying the exact same thing so I think it’s actually just really common. X

@Bigpinksweater okay yeah, perhaps you're right there. I got a bit defensive because honestly I just need a break sometimes, so I give in with the tablet...but it is another thing I feel quite guilty about.

Eat with your DC. They'll remember these times. Get chatting together. Use the dining table. Your DH can eat on his own.

Apart from breaded fish what else do you make them? Will everyone eat normal family meals like spaghetti bolognese, chilli and rice, pasta bakes, fajitas, baked chicken with potatoes and veg? Would your DH eat those? If not then maybe he needs to make his own food and you sit down and eat a proper meal with the kids.

@Octavia64 that's actually the most annoying thing about all of this - we have a lovely sized dining table in that dining room. It's primed ready for dining, and instead just gets DH and his laptop

Is your DH on the autistic spectrum? Sensory issues are really common in ASD. Fish nuggets do not smell that bad.

I totally get it, I have 2 small children and no family help, but honestly it will create more issues than it solves

You can buy a wee desk for your DH to sit in the dining room tucked away at the side for his work laptop.

Dining table from now on will be FOOD ONLY OP's DH, do you hear?🤨

What will your DH eat?

Sounds like your DH has marked the dining room as his space when in fact it’s a family space. Food smellls will not linger if you ventilate the room after eating.

Is it possible for him to work elsewhere?

As pp’s have said a cheap rug is a good bet with small kids and frankly your DH is going to have to work out some coping strategies around his sensory issues because that’s what good parenting involves.

Could you try a family breakfast every weekend instead? Pancakes won't stink the room out and are pretty good for fussy eaters as everyone can have different toppings. Make sure you have a no devices rule and maybe involve your eldest in the prep.

Have I missed it ? How often does your husband cook for the family ?

@Overthebow DH wouldn't eat any of those meals.

DS is also quite fussy (no guesses needed for why), and he doesn't like anything with sauce. DH also doesn't like any frying...

Foods I've managed to get into my children are: breaded chicken, broccoli, sweetcorn, plain pasta, fish and rice, chicken sausages...I think that's probably the most I've managed. Continuing on this journey of making meals that involve zero frying (and no onions, garlic, mushrooms...). Spag bol is a big no...

It's ok to have sensory differences, we all have preferences. But, the world cannot stop because of that. Your DH needs to take responsibility for his own needs, he can open the window, light a candle whatever, but dictating is not healthy.

You are pandering to him which is modelling pandering to your children. Sometimes 'no" is a whole sentence. A firm no. A nothing doing no. A you can't manipulate me out of no. It can still be a kind no.

In allowing your DH to run the whole world in your home everyone is pandering to him and that is unhealthy, it reduces you, and your children are watching and learning.

To me, it sounds like your DH may have ARFID?

if that’s the case, then it’s not his ‘problem’ as others have said, it’s an eating disorder and even if he doesn’t have ARFID, it’s clear he has significant disordered eating.

Could you eat with the children in the lounge and DH eat in the kitchen or wherever his safe place to eat is?

I think overall, I’d probably look at it as a 3 month “project” and try a few things- eating in the kitchen, getting one of those weaning sheets under DS and eat in the dining room, a few times a week or maybe Saturday Sunday lunch. One time Try just you and The kids and don’t worry about DH.
Try a few things and see what works?

I don’t think it matters who is fussy. Ear different things if you want, presumably you so all eat dinner now so this is an irrelevant problem.

dont put too much pressure on yourself to get it right/ perfect straight away.

Your husband needs a reset. He can't expect to be pandered to like a child when there are actual children in the household.

We all eat together at home (me, DH and kids aged 5 and 2) most of the time. What does help us is that, on weekdays, we all have a hot meal for lunch (whether at home, work or school/nursery) so for dinner we have sandwiches, crisps, fruit, yoghurt etc, basically swapped the meals. Quicker to prepare and no smells. Also everyone can have different things. Would that be doable for you?

We have dinner at 6 as a family nearly every day of the week. We cook enough for 2 meals on a Saturday and Sunday so we start the week with at least two meals for the week. We also make use of tumble down meals. A large joint of meat on a Sunday with the left over meat going into quick pasta or curries in the week.

My daughter has a limited diet due to allergies and is a fussy eater we base the food we make around what she can and will eat so that we can eat together.

We have a hard floor under our table but when we were weaning we had a washable drop cloth under my daughter chair to catch spilt food.

The smell in the dining room is there an issue of lingering smells in the room you currently eat in so likely to happen or is it a perceived worry that might not actually happen? I'd start with a meal once a week that you can all eat and that is a low smell risk and see how you go.

What are the sort of foods that make up the 10% of things your husband will eat?

Is there somewhere else DH can work? It makes no sense for him to have a whole downstairs room when you obviously need it.

in terms of meals, a slow cooker and meal planning is your friend. You can always chuck something on the floor to protect the carpet (rug or similar) and a tablecloth for the table.

Your DH sounds fucking awful.

His food issues are controlling the WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY.

let him eat plain toast or whatever the fuck it is he eats, and just cook dinners and eat them. He can sort himself out.

Get him moved out of the dining room and just have meals there. He can work from somewhere else.

Well as I think others have said, its about being creative and not thinking necessarily about 'eating dinner together'

You can have a protected dedicated time that you sit at the table as a family, that may or may not involve food and if it does, it doesnt have to be a 'dinner' in the traditional sense. Perhaps it means a number of bowls with things that are easy to eat and enjoyed by all, even if it means its a bit samey.

You might also have a night where its not eating dinner or eating, but its table time, time to play a game at the table, talk at the table. Doesnt have to be a long time either.

It doesnt have to be every night, or even a night, you just need to almost 'book in' the time

A mat in the room or perhaps even lose the carpet and get some lino/vinyl put down. Sounds OTT perhaps but I think houses need to be designed around the needs of the family, not the family working around the decor of the house.

Your h is the issue. Is he ND? He needs to put in place some strategies so that he doesn’t pass on his fussiness to the kids.

Where else in the house can he work? the dining room is for eating, and the family should take priority.

He’s going to have to compromise.

Is he so rigid and inflexible in other areas of your life too? It sounds exhausting - for you.

And your dc need to be able to sit nicely at the table without tablets! You will be doing them a huge favour to model this behaviour.

@Dragonfly909 that's a very good idea, thank you. Lots of good ideas on this thread, I definitely have things I can work with here!