I want to start eating meals as a family but there are so many hurdles to overcome

[Rockininthefreeworld]

Please don't judge me. I'm really looking for some advice and just feel so dissatisfied with our whole set-up 😔

I have felt bad about the fact that we never eat as a family. We have two children, age 6 and 2, and they always eat separately to us. This is for a number of reasons...

1. DH is a very fussy eater, and won't eat 90% of the things I make for the children
2. DH and I both work full-time until around 6pm, making eating together quite challenging. Having said that, we both work from home a lot, so it is do-able with some planning (but then, see point 1...)
3. We have a kitchen island but no room for a dining table, which means eating together in the kitchen is just sitting in a row. This makes conversations feel a bit challenging.
4. We have a dining room (although carpeted...) and I'd love us all to eat in there, but DH gets very very funny about mess and smells. I've tried to approach the subject but he just gets annoyed and shuts it down. He uses the dining room to work, which is very annoying to be honest because I feel like that's a whole social room that we've just completely lost out on.

The 2 year old is at nursery full time which does give him "social eating" time, and I think the 6 year old is fine because we do eat out and I often go back to my parents where we sit together at the table. But, he also gets very bored if I'm not constantly entertaining him and he's not a stranger to the tablet at the table. I hate that and feel quite ashamed.

I just don't know how to handle this. I feel so dissatisfied with the whole arrangement, but DH isn't going to support me with it and it feels difficult trying to do it in the kitchen anyway. I just want us to have a nice family meal together, even just at the weekends, but even if we manage that it still has to be in the friggin' kitchen and no-one will talk to me, DS will moan for his tablet and DH will be on his phone. I've tried to implement this before (in the kitchen), and it just felt pointless in the end because I felt like I was fighting a losing battle.

Does anyone have any advice? 🙁

I’d start by getting rid of the husband, the rest will be easy.

So again, since you didn’t answer the question , if you both work from home, which room do you work from, and why can’t you swap so you work from the dining room instead and he works wherever you do now? Surely that would solve the problem of your husband not wanting food mess or smells in his work area?
It doesn’t solve everything but it at least frees up the dining room for being able to eat from.

Small steps and don’t expect it to be instant.
The dining room is not your husband’s to control. Ask him to pack his work away on Friday at five and it reverts to dining room. Eat at the table Friday and Saturday evening and Sunday lunch. After lunch open the window to air the room.
Think about doing meals where everyone serves themselves from dishes in the centre of the table. More relaxed, more fun. Encourage the children to talk about what they enjoy about the food. Have rewards for trying something new.
It will be worth the effort.

You have my total sympathy, as we had a lot of the same issues. We got into some very bad habits around kids eating in front of the TV. We managed to completely reset this after we extended the downstairs and all meals are now eaten at the table or the breakfast bar (depends slightly on what it is, anything messy is a table job, dinners are always at the table). Without devices. So it can be done and I found my kids adapted to this very quickly. I’d start using the dining room and putting a plastic sheet or cheap rug over the carpet where the kids sit.

In terms of food, you have my total sympathy. DC1 is ND and very fussy (not quite ARFID but not far off). DC2 became very fussy as a toddler as he wanted what DC1 had rather than what we were eating. DC1 won’t eat anything in a sauce. Natural preference for beige food and suspicious of meat/fish that isn’t breaded. I think the only meal we all agree on is pizza. It’s almost impossible for us to eat together during the week and feels almost pointless as the kids won’t eat what we eat and if I eat the same as them it’s a) boring and b) won’t reheat for DH. So we focus on eating together more at the weekend and that works well. We have pancakes for breakfast some weekends, and we aim for dinner together all eating variants of the same thing if necessary.

I wouldn’t stress too much about what your DCs are eating. I realised early on food was going to be a battle and went for aiming to de-stress at the table and for food from all the main food groups to be eaten plus a multivitamin. There are some good tips above as well. A plate of chopped fruit and veg that people can help themselves to definitely works with mine.

@Rockininthefreeworld would your husband be open to having his autism formally diagnosed and getting some help?

What help do you think he would get with this?

OP, you’ve been asked a couple of times but might have missed it - what does DH like to eat?

This might help with suggestions.

In the bin with him

That is ridiculous.

If your H has sensory issues, ARFID, or some sort of actual disgnosable anxiety problem wrt food or smells or textures, or whatever, he needs to get a diagnosis and engage with therapy to limit the bad effect this has on his family.

If he refuses to accept his issues warrant medical attention, then you need to have a long, hard think about how you wish to proceed.

He can't just shut conversation down and insist you andbthe children work around him and his preferences, demands, or problems. That is not an option, and you need to make that abundantly clear to him.

I'd do this.

DC is a very slow eater and although we run out of conversation there are a few games we play (I-spy, 20 questions), but mostly once I've finished eating I read to them. I figure it's better than TV and easier to keep them at the table.

Don't see what having carpet in the dining room has to do with anything. Children only throw food on the floor if that's what's allowed. My dining room has a cream carpet and we've had it since DD was age 2 and she's 20 now and the carpet is still clean. We eat in there every night, at first dd had a high chair, we've had kids birthday parties, Christmas celebrations and she's grown up sitting at the table every night- food doesn't go on the floor! It stays on the table.

How old's the carpet? I'm guessing it predates your owning the house or if not, is older than your 6yo. My first thought would be 'Can you get rid of the carpet?' Get nice engineered wood laminate or good quality vinyl put down. Then get to work on your husband. Even if he's got sensory issues, he should understand that eating as a family and not visiting his issues on his children is important. If he won't eat with you, then you eat with the children, in your dining room. Maybe your can persuade your husband to eat some things with you?

@TwinklyStork sorry didn't realise I'd missed a question, I work from a room upstairs that also acts as our spare bedroom, and I'd be more than happy swapping with DH. I'll certainly suggest it - he'll no doubt moan I've made it too much of my "own", but that'll surely be better than sitting in a room with smells he doesn't like. I will suggest this tomorrow! I'm going to suggest a lot tomorrow...

Our area has an autism hub, nhs funded, for those diagnosed or undiagnosed and can help to find solutions for some of the problems being caused,plus work with family and the patient.

When my children were that age we didn’t do family meals during the week - just at the weekends. They needed to eat earlier than the time when DH would be home from work - by which time he was tired and hungry, so tolerance for shenanigans from a toddler was low. There is nothing wrong with feeding the kids together at 530 so they are ready for bed at 7ish and then feeding your DH after the kids are in bed on work nights.

Even as older young adults (now 17 and 20) family meals times are just a coupe of times a week, when we can usually find meals that they are all happy to eat and enjoy together. It’s far too stressful to set up the expectation of nightly family meals 7 days a week, so i’d reframe that.

I don’t know how you’ve ended up pandering to a man to the detriment of your children, but I hope you wake up to it before it’s too late.

This is so desperately sad on so many levels. You can do better than a lifetime of this crap.

He can make the spare room his own.

Another thought, does he ever cook for the family?

If he did he could choose the food, the cooking method, the smell of it and then you could eat together.

Perhaps he could start with one meal a week - Saturday lunch. He cooks, no phones no laptops, all at the dining table. Then the 'smells' can go from the room before he starts work again.

I would definitely prefer be single than have another adult tell me what rooms I'd be "allowed" to use in my own house.

I'm going to approach this with him tomorrow morning and I'll update this thread with how I get on. I suspect it won't be an easy conversation with DH but I feel really, really passionate about doing this

1. You need a space - so swap your wfh office with him. If he objects tell him it’s short term until you have installed a new kitchen put a dining table instead of island. That part can take as long it takes to be right.
2. Either he joins or he doesn’t but you can eat with children. He can clear up afterwards. If he doesn’t want to join you, eg working late he can eat alone afterwards.
3. have whole family Sunday dinner - invite family if you want. Cook food that everyone can eat or includes something for everyone.
4. encourage husband to cook a meal (even if it’s reheating something prepared earlier) and if reasonable you will clear up. Eg if you need to work late a regular evening.
5. it does not have to fancy food. But avoid ultra processed .
6. no screens at the table - adults or kids otherwise when they are teenagers you’ll all be looking at your phones and ignoring each other. When they are teens no phones not even to fact check on the spot!
7. yes ok if it doesn’t go well and you have disagreement try not to have full blown arguments but if so, be calm talk things through and the adults model how to handle difficult conversations.
8. Don’t push food - look up advice on how not to raise picky eaters.
9. 2 year old can’t do monopoly.

It’s so worth it, so persevere.

Good luck OP.

The answer is to swap rooms. It’s ridiculous that you can’t eat at your dining room. Tell your child the tablet needs charging and he will soon get used to it. Tablets at that age really not good. Especially not at meal times.

I massively disagree with those saying not to concentrate on getting your children to be less fussy eaters. As a child of a fussy eater (who wouldn't cook with garlic, mince, fish, most meat other than processed or roast chicken etc) it really impacted my later youth and early adulthood. It's so embarrassing not eating pretty standard food like spaghetti Bolognese or chicken drumsticks. And at an extreme level like someone's child I know it stops them engaging with things like school trips as they won't eat the food provided, and in adulthood it can impact relationships and jobs if you cant manage to eat a normal meal with your peers. And , as OP as shown,it's impacting family life for her and her kids because ops DH is so restricted.

We don't often manage to eat together during the week, due to hobbies/work/after school commitments etc. but if an adult is available to eat at the same time as the kids they do, at the table, without screens on average 80% of the time for dinner. At the weekend we're much more likely to manage to all eat together at dinner and sometimes lunch. The kids know if we're all eating there's no screens. Is it easy? Heck no. Keeping los at the table, encouraging them to eat , to join in with either the conversation or if we're playing ispy or something then doing so appropriately (taking turns etc). It's a lot easier to plunk them on the sofa and whack on the TV or give them a tablet (which is our choice at breakfast), but in enforcing family screen free meals where we can we're teaching them good habits for their future. Which ultimately is what parenting is supposed to be right? @Rockininthefreeworld I think it's time to get firm. Ok if your dh doesn't want to eat what you do he can sort his own food later (not eating something different at the time everyone else is eating). But the dining room needs to be for actually dining in , at least at the weekend. He needs to stop being controlling about what the rest of you eat, doing so slowly. And support you in engaging the kids without screens for their meals.
Re the carpet , cheap shower curtains down. Or accept it'll get stained and replace flooring when they're older/it's affordable.
Could you begin eating ready meal versions of things like spaghetti Bolognese, lasagna, curry etc so no need to fry to cook ? And go from there.

Edited to add, don't let your kids down because you're afraid to have a difficult conversation with your husband. And frankly if he's that controlling you're scared to do that, maybe reconsider your relationship

Honestly the fact there's another space he could work in and have control of without impacting his kids or you ,but he doesn't choose to do that is unreal.

Of course it is. Don't worry about the weird poster who claims that there's something wrong with his brain because he has a tablet 🙈 I agree with posters sho say your husband is the issue.