I want to start eating meals as a family but there are so many hurdles to overcome

[Rockininthefreeworld]

Please don't judge me. I'm really looking for some advice and just feel so dissatisfied with our whole set-up 😔

I have felt bad about the fact that we never eat as a family. We have two children, age 6 and 2, and they always eat separately to us. This is for a number of reasons...

1. DH is a very fussy eater, and won't eat 90% of the things I make for the children
2. DH and I both work full-time until around 6pm, making eating together quite challenging. Having said that, we both work from home a lot, so it is do-able with some planning (but then, see point 1...)
3. We have a kitchen island but no room for a dining table, which means eating together in the kitchen is just sitting in a row. This makes conversations feel a bit challenging.
4. We have a dining room (although carpeted...) and I'd love us all to eat in there, but DH gets very very funny about mess and smells. I've tried to approach the subject but he just gets annoyed and shuts it down. He uses the dining room to work, which is very annoying to be honest because I feel like that's a whole social room that we've just completely lost out on.

The 2 year old is at nursery full time which does give him "social eating" time, and I think the 6 year old is fine because we do eat out and I often go back to my parents where we sit together at the table. But, he also gets very bored if I'm not constantly entertaining him and he's not a stranger to the tablet at the table. I hate that and feel quite ashamed.

I just don't know how to handle this. I feel so dissatisfied with the whole arrangement, but DH isn't going to support me with it and it feels difficult trying to do it in the kitchen anyway. I just want us to have a nice family meal together, even just at the weekends, but even if we manage that it still has to be in the friggin' kitchen and no-one will talk to me, DS will moan for his tablet and DH will be on his phone. I've tried to implement this before (in the kitchen), and it just felt pointless in the end because I felt like I was fighting a losing battle.

Does anyone have any advice? 🙁

What will your DH eat? It does sound like he has potential issues. Does he interact with dcs otherwise.

Can you have a conversation with him about how this is limiting your children's opportunities - (my dd rang me this morning to tell me about her university formal dinner this morning).

We find this really difficult too, it's hard when you are both working and often one of us is not home until 6.30, us or the kids have sports, and DC2 is at asc 3x week and has a substantial 'tea' there so often doesn't want a proper dinner. They both have school dinners as well which is a proper cooked lunch. DH and I often end up eating at 8.30 or 9ish or separately if out/sports. I beat myself up over it a lot and my mum pointed out the reason we could all eat as a family at 6 is that her and my dad both got home at 5 20 every day.

When they were in nursery we found they didn't want a dinner at all, they had tea at 4.30 and then just wanted toast and fruit.

We do try and do a Sunday dinner if we can and someone always sits with the kids while they eat. They are also both ND and have some food restrictions which makes it trickier.

Now DC 1 is in secondary though I think we're going to have at least 3 days where we sit together. Good luck! Kick your DH out of the dining room.

Your DH is a big problem. If you eat in the dining room why don't you just open the window to let any smells out?

If he doesn't want to eat what the children like then he should make and eat his own food.
It's so important for families to eat together, it's a time for children to learn manners and an opportunity for all the family to converse together. Ban the tablet immediately and talk to your children. People used to manage perfectly well to eat with their children for hundreds of years without having to give the child a screen to look at.

Obviously with young children you won't be having long leisurely meals but children quickly learn to sit at the table and talk. If they leave the table in the middle of the meal then they're told to sit back down or no more dinner/ pudding etc, and mean it.

If you want to eat later with your husband say at weekends, then you and he should still sit at the table with them, even if you just have a cup of tea, but still talk with them, demonstrate manners etc. Don't leave them eating on their own while you hover round doing other things.

ARFID is not a single thing with a set of symptoms. it is currently three different spheres with a lot of overlap between.

Not liking the smell of certain foods or some types of meals is not ARFID is is a preference which we all have.

Diagnosing someone with a serious condition that is very difficult to manage based on some strong preferences is ridiculous.

If you wish to get a diagnosis of autism and then a sensory assessment and then work with the ED units then take that route. But do not confuse preferences with a significant diagnosis such as ARFID.

Oh ffs, So sorry for the repeated posts. Didn’t know it had posted 🙈

washable rug if possible

Hear hear.

ASD or not, he needs to learn to cope, for the sake of his children.

Echoing other posts re no screens, make it fun, even if DH eats later by himself etc but I would also add: start NOW.

The longer you wait, the harder it will be to get your kids into this habit.

This.

I wouldn't want to pass on his picky eating either.

My approach would be:

Have a serious conversation with DH about how his aversion to various foods/smells is impacting his children, you and wider family life. Tell him that this is a problem that you need to solve. Ask him for his input about how this could work. As a suggestion, you switch office spaces, you work in the dining room and DH can take your space. You can agree to batch cook stuff like Bolognese when he is out of the house and just reheat for the kids (this saves time as well as smell). I would ask him to try becoming accustomed to some foods/smells that he isn't currently; to work on his issues.

Tell DS that starting Monday there will be no more tablets at the table and stick to it. Stick to it absolutely consistently. Tell him that if he sits and eats well he may have it for twenty minutes after dinner (when everyone is finished and plates are cleared).

On the weekend eat with your children on the dining room.

During the week make your children dinner and have a small portion of whatever they're having with them (either in the kitchen or the dining room). Eat properly later with DH.

You cook for you and your children and you eat together in the dining room.

Your DH can sort himself out and eat (and work) elsewhere if he doesn’t like the smell.

And he can remind himself that he’s part of a family and that as parents you are a team.

I don’t think it’s really fair to say the DH is the problem or the issue. He’s an adult and it’s up to him how he wants to do dinner time. If his and OPs expectations mismatch they both have to decide how important digging their heels in is.. to the point you’ll get to which is divorce and don’t whatever you want in your own homes. DH obviously isn’t open or willing to compromise on this issue.

Do you cook with the children? I know it isn’t part of eating but at the weekend it might be worth getting them involved - you get screen free time together, they’re more likely to eat food they’ve helped to make, and it will make the meal process feel more sociable even if the actual eating part isn’t quite what you would like.

My ex had OCD and other mental health needs, and I really do understand how hard it is when your partner says you can’t do something. Don’t beat yourself up for slipping into bad habits.

@soupyspoon I do try and carve out other time together where everyone is "focused" (no screens for anyone!). Games like monopoly are currently very popular, so that's something. Problem is the 2 year old can't get involved, so it ends up only one of us playing with DS at the table

You have a husband problem. He's making life difficult for you and actively working against the creation of a family life.

He needs to cook for himself. Do not pander to his pickiness any more.

You can cook at weekends for yourself and the kids. Batch cook a few meals or sauces that will go on rice or pasta.

Insist on using the dining room for eating the evening meal. Put down a washable rug over the carpet. Stand up for this. Your H needs to figure out an alternative working space.

Absolutely useless now until the spring, but could you eat as a family in the garden? Less smells, less mess, a bit different so maybe tablet/phone issues might go away.

I can see how you'd be tired of managing this alone.
You have three children.

@BellissimoGecko you ask if he's inflexible in other areas...yes. 100% yes

As in, your husband doesn't like frying in the house? You can't be held to that, that's crazy.

Trying to be more constructive...

Big washable rug for the dining room.
Candles, scented if he doesn't mind, unscented if he does, to help clear the food smells.
Throw open the windows after dinner while you clean up with a fan on. Throw open the windows in the morning.

Start small - aim for once a fortnight or once a week to start with. Give up worrying about whether your husband eats with you. Get rid of the tablet at the table. Start short as well - set a timer if necessary.

Food wise, you cannot limit your children on the basis of what your husband is prepared to eat and smell. As an ex-fussy eater whose mum absolutely supported me in expanding my palette and enabling me to live a full and normal life as an adult (but without making it a terrible battle), I really feel you'd be doing your children a catastrophic disservice if you don't find a way round that.

If, as I think he is, he's saying the OP can't fry any food, and as we know he is, is saying that the OP and her children can't use their own dining room even when he's not working, then he absolutely is causing a problem.

On keeping them at the table we do a couple of things with DD (3.5) that might help:

A timer showing 10mins- she has to sit at the table for that (unless she has finished all her food) but she doesn’t have to eat if she doesn’t want to, but we continue to engage her in conversation etc. Now she knows she doesn’t get to rush off and play she is more likely to eat. And actually we only had to do it for a couple of weeks and then now bring it out occasionally.

We have started a tradition of asking everyone what there ‘best bit’ of the day was and their ‘tricky bit’ which gets conversation going and engages her, also gives an opportunity for praise and to discuss difficult emotions she might have had. She also likes to add in ‘funny bit’.

If I’m not eating with her- normally breakfast or lunch time as we generally eat dinner together, I will often read to her from a book while she eats (currently Winnie the Pooh) which she loves.

Tackle 1 thing at a time: you’re not going to be able to suddenly all sit around the table with no electronics 7 days a week.

But the tablet has got to go. I know it’s annoying having to constantly chat & entertain but it’ll only get harder the longer you leave it.

Start with 1 meal a week, at the dining table, no devices. If DH wants to join you, great. If not then bollocks to him. If it’s something simple like a sandwich, fine. But you sit there and eat and have conversations.

We all talk about our day as a family. When the kids were really little it was “what was your happy thing today” but now they’re a bit older (7&9) it’s moved on a little to “how was your day; what was the best bit; did anything funny happen”. Whoever starts asks the person to their left, and when they’ve finished talking about their day they ask the next person the questions.

But that’s a moot point really because what do you do? He’s an adult and She can’t force him to change his mind.

i have a friend who is veggie and her husband has to eat meat in the garden. It’s not something my DH could tolerate, but that’s presumably what to stay married so her husband goes along with it.

Btw my dh doesnt eat fish. When the dc were small I used to cook it when he wasn't here or pretend we didn't have enough for him and he was being lovely by having something else. He doesnt like the smell but he had to put up with it as I was determined that they wouldn't have his fish issue.

We also had a rule that you had to try everything at least three times and explained why even when they were really little. I'd also only cook one meal. I'd get them involved by rating the meal x/10 and suggesting improvements, they the had to eat it to give a rating. Also got them involved in cooking at the weekend.

I do cook from scratch (most of the time) but do plan for a week and work out the days when I have hardly any time and plan for that.

My dh works in our kitchen (where we eat most of the time) and he packs away every day. Your dh will have to do the same.

Well, you can try various options.

i had a picky eater child and I deconstructed food.

so for example you could try having an indoor picnic in the living room. Buy a picnic rug (the kind that is waterproof on one side) and buy picky bits (bread, small bits of cheese, grapes, tomatoes etc) and have an indoor picnic.

you could also look at how some other cultures eat - so maybe get naan bread and make a curry basically without any spices for your kids to try.

lots of Chinese food is also on a “sharing” basis with white plain rice as the base - many picky kids (and adults!) will eat almost any amount of plain white rice and you could add it something like eggs Chinese style.

I had quite a lot of success with my picky eaters by doing a “culinary tour of the world” where we learnt a bit about the country and tried eating some foods from it. They didn’t necessarily like the foods but they understood the idea of different cultures.

bit ambitious for the two year old maybe but possibly something your dh could get behind for a weekend meal?

So what does dh eat ?

RIP carpet up or put a big washable plastic sheet under table /under kids

screens I don’t have an issue with esp if eating /on own but when a family meal it’s a no and no tv and we talk

6yr manages at school. He will be fine at home once he know you are being firm and don’t give in

dh can sit with you even if not eating or he can eat the plain stuff he does eat

I was wondering if there was some autism going on. My whole family is and none of us like eating at the table or forced conversation. It’s hard to enjoy the meal for us.

Our POV is we’ve already spent loads of time chatting, why all sit and look at each other chewing when we could combine the meal with our interests and watch something we love. Separately, because we all like different things.

It just makes sense. If we never got together other than dinner time, fair enough. There would be a huge lack of family time. But we do and we’re all very close.