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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strip Club

187 replies

MahoganyGrain · 12/10/2025 10:48

Husband went to a strip club whilst away on a work trip.
Spent a ridiculous amount of money (over £1000).
Didn’t admit where he had been until confronted with proof.
His story:
he took some clients and paid for them to have private dances, while he sat in the bar area, having a drink whilst waiting for them.

I'm inclined to believe him, AIBU? Or just a complete fool?

OP posts:
NannyOggsScones · 12/10/2025 14:15

What line of work is he in? I’d be staggered that in the UK in 2025 and company would be allowing staff to blow £1k on strippers to entertain clients. This sounds like the tip of a very toxic iceberg.

andthat · 12/10/2025 14:16

MahoganyGrain · 12/10/2025 10:48

Husband went to a strip club whilst away on a work trip.
Spent a ridiculous amount of money (over £1000).
Didn’t admit where he had been until confronted with proof.
His story:
he took some clients and paid for them to have private dances, while he sat in the bar area, having a drink whilst waiting for them.

I'm inclined to believe him, AIBU? Or just a complete fool?

Absolute fool.

DrowningInSyrup · 12/10/2025 14:18

AutumnWreath · 12/10/2025 13:35

If his work are reimbursing him you want to see evidence of it . Highly unlikely story .

Even if they did it doesn't mean he wasn't fumbling with a stripper and it doesn't mean he hasn't done it before.

I just feel sad that OP is probably having a good old weep and if she hasn't told anyone in RL then she is alone.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 12/10/2025 14:26

MahoganyGrain · 12/10/2025 12:57

It’s his own personal credit card so his spending doesn’t impact on family bills, etc. in theory it’s his money to do what he likes with (within reason, he knows i wouldn’t be happy for him to spend it on strippers!)

I will also add, our relationship has not been good for a while, mainly because we argue a lot about sex (he wants it a lot more than me). He gets really angry and shouts and says horrible things when he is stressed, but recognises this is an issue. He thinks I am in perimenopause and that is affecting how I treat him.

We have been to counselling which didn’t really help much, but I’ve never had any reason not to trust him.

It’s the other way around. He has massive paranoia/ jealousy about me going out without him. To the point that he checks my location frequently while I’m out and when I come home he always questions whether I’ve been speaking to any men and searches social media photos to look for “proof” I am lying to him when I say no.
He also regularly accuses me of flirting with any men i do speak to when he’s there, including his friends, my brother in law, the delivery guy, etc. If I deny any flirting and say I’m being friendly, he says I must do it without realising.

You have bigger issues than him going to a strip club…

ArkaParka · 12/10/2025 14:28

A friend of mine used to have no difficulty at all with her husband going to strip clubs. She used to say things like ‘if the only thing between your marriage and infidelity is another woman’s clothes, you have far bigger problems’. He had an affair and left her.

Delphiniumandlupins · 12/10/2025 14:28

SENsupportplease · 12/10/2025 13:00

This would be projection / guilty conscience
he expects you to behave as he would

Show quote history

Absolutely. She's not a cheat so is finding it difficult to accept this of him. DH, on the other hand, is jealous and suspicious of her...

Manxexile · 12/10/2025 14:28

What job does your husband do that requires him to spend over a grand on strippers and "private dances" for clients?

He's a pimp, right?

OneFineDay22 · 12/10/2025 14:30

People who regularly accuse others of infidelity generally have a guilty conscience of their own.

So sorry you’re going through this, but I wouldn’t believe anything he said.

Driftingawaynow · 12/10/2025 14:35

Here to say that a large part of you wants to believe him for obvious reasons but what you have described stinks on multiple levels.
And a promise- life beyond this relationship would be sweet OP.
Not being monitored, shouted at, lied to, hassled for sex. Breaking up hurts but there is joy and contentment beyond this

FartyPants9 · 12/10/2025 14:39

TheExcitersblowingupmymind · 12/10/2025 11:21

Unfortunately Mumsnet own all posts and us posters have no control where subject matter end's up.

Show quote history

It might end up on an episode of Amandaland lol.

Swiftie1878 · 12/10/2025 14:44

MahoganyGrain · 12/10/2025 13:21

@DownThePubWithStevieNicks I’m not here to debate whether strip clubs are acceptable.

My reason for posting was to get some outside opinions, because my husband gave me an excuse, that I agree sounds completely ludicrous, but he has also managed to convince me that it’s true!

I would consider myself to have some intelligence, I have a degree and a professional job yet I’m questioning my own judgement here, and he’s making it all seem perfectly reasonable.
i can’t discuss this with anyone in real life because frankly, who wants to admit to anyone else, that their husband has just dropped a grand on naked women?! Whether for himself or someone else!
It’s humiliating and the last thing I would’ve expected.

You are right to question your judgement here. It’s way off. He is spinning you a line, and it’s highly unlikely this is the first time either. A £1,000 spend is by a seasoned client of the strip club. And it doesn’t just include private dances; there are ‘extras’ in there.

It would end my relationship if I were in your shoes. Up to you what you decide to do, and I understand that you WANT to believe him. He’s your husband after all. However, if you do forgive and move on, it won’t be the end of it. In future he’ll just be more careful to hide it from you and more confident knowing he’s got away with it before.

Maxme · 12/10/2025 14:46

Might be he is an defence contractor dealing with dictators out of a 1980s film?

Or he is just full of lies.

Even More concerning is your later post on the arguments / controlling ways. This is not healthy or normal.

NoBinturongsHereMate · 12/10/2025 14:51

MahoganyGrain · 12/10/2025 12:57

It’s his own personal credit card so his spending doesn’t impact on family bills, etc. in theory it’s his money to do what he likes with (within reason, he knows i wouldn’t be happy for him to spend it on strippers!)

I will also add, our relationship has not been good for a while, mainly because we argue a lot about sex (he wants it a lot more than me). He gets really angry and shouts and says horrible things when he is stressed, but recognises this is an issue. He thinks I am in perimenopause and that is affecting how I treat him.

We have been to counselling which didn’t really help much, but I’ve never had any reason not to trust him.

It’s the other way around. He has massive paranoia/ jealousy about me going out without him. To the point that he checks my location frequently while I’m out and when I come home he always questions whether I’ve been speaking to any men and searches social media photos to look for “proof” I am lying to him when I say no.
He also regularly accuses me of flirting with any men i do speak to when he’s there, including his friends, my brother in law, the delivery guy, etc. If I deny any flirting and say I’m being friendly, he says I must do it without realising.

Ah, so he's not just a lying, cheating, gaslighting, misogynist.

He's a lying cheating gaslighting, controlling, sexually harassing, jealous, verbally abusive, aggressive misogynist.

Call M&S, they'll want him for their Xmas campaign.

Or alternatively bin both the couples counselling and him, and make a new and better life for yourself.

UnemployedNotRetired · 12/10/2025 14:52

Just a thought, but presumably if you're in a strip club some of the transactions are going to be in cash on top of anything on cards?

UnemployedNotRetired · 12/10/2025 14:53

Don't think any of my recent employers would let me expense a shandy let alone anything stronger.

Greenwitchart · 12/10/2025 14:55

No one is going to spend £1000 on drinks. Your partner is lying to you.

More generally, It is mind-blowing that in 2025 businesses/clients think going to a strip club is an acceptable form of corporate hospitality.

Your partner should have simply declined to go and pointed out that going to a strip club is against his principles.

Any company who thinks this is OK should be named and shamed.

TalkToTheHand123 · 12/10/2025 14:57

Oh come on girls, stop being so prudish. I loved being a personal dancer. Easy money and sent husbands home to their wives relaxed, albeit a few ££s lighter.

Kittyberry · 12/10/2025 14:59

I feel your misery here.

He is utterly gaslighting you.

The reality is he found himself footloose and fancy free, and either googled the local nightlife or had the club recommended by someone and set off in pursuit of a bit of 'frivolity'.

He has then woven a story around that...even if it is the first time hes made such a visit, it wont be the last. If I were you, I would use this as a starting point, and with all the other not insignificant issues you mention, I'd make a decision about your future with him. However I doubt it is the first time he's been to something like this as it would be rare to reach middle age and try it out for the first time.

You have my sympathy but it is all a load of rubbish. The only thing is- and its a sliver of 'defence' - that he didn't turn off his location - or did he think that you wouldn't be up and looking at it in the small hours?

I would also add, and in my memory of the City (financial area) many men I knew of 20 years ago (no longer) would go to such a place and get a 'takeaway' - usually a girl met at the club who would go back to a hotel room for the right price.....so it may be worth checking his hotel bill for 'room service'

Sorry but be aware, and don't think this was a one off or will never repeat....he's clearly looking for what he isn't able to enjoy at home. Its all on him. His bar is exceptionally low.

Best Wishes.

RafaFan · 12/10/2025 15:08

MahoganyGrain · 12/10/2025 11:02

I AM fuming.
I absolutely do not agree with exploiting women. It’s sickening to think of any men leering over women, let alone my husband. He knows I would not be happy with this.

He said he was in a position where he felt he had no choice and will be getting this back on expenses.

It’s all lies isn’t it?

The company cannot claim that as a legitimate business expense, so it's highly unlikely he'll be "getting that back on expenses."

Luckyingame · 12/10/2025 15:09

😂
Sure.

AnnaMagnani · 12/10/2025 15:15

OP I think the only reason you believed him, when a bunch of strangers could instantly see it was ludicrous lies, is that you have lived with him gaslighting and controlling you for so long he could tell you white was black and you would agree with him.

Nothing in your relationship sounds any good and you stay with him. He has absolutely done a number on you and your mental health.

Please get support in getting away from him.

Wrenjay · 12/10/2025 15:15

Client(s) + hubby + drinks + private dance = more than £1000. I suspect this was just "his share" of the bill.

canchewcashew · 12/10/2025 15:17

His over the top fear that you're cheating sounds like a guilty conscience at work. People who are up to no good themselves often suspect or accuse others of the same. There's no way he wasn't getting something for that money. I'd guess that the people he was supposedly treating to private dances weren't there at all.

OchreRaven · 12/10/2025 15:20

Well it’s easy to see if his story is true…ask to see the expense return sent to his work and the corresponding payment whether on its own or added to his wages at the end of the month. Tell him if he is lying and it’s not true it will destroy your trust in him. Your relationship will be on hold until he proves his story true.

In reality what company would authorise that type of payment? It would get them into huge trouble. And he can’t think you would believe that he would personally pay £1k for some colleagues to have private dances while he sat there on his own. It’s laughable.

Christwosheds · 12/10/2025 15:21

DrowningInSyrup · 12/10/2025 13:25

You want some outside opinions, you've had them in spades. He's a lying, conniving bastard (fact not opinion) and after your last update he is also a manipulative, abusive one. How much he has lied none of can us say, but I am guessing a lot. Strip clubs galore.

No one here has backed him up.

This.
Men who are obsessively jealous and assume you are up for meeting other men are just projecting their own behaviour and deception onto you.
As a pp said, it’s 2025, companies don’t drop a thousand pounds for clients to have naked women writhe on their laps. He is talking absolute nonsense. He sounds horrible, and too stupid to realise that you won’t believe his lies.