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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have asked for space?

111 replies

Pullman88 · 12/10/2025 08:25

I don't get a lot of time to myself, barely ever in fact. I work full time in a very demanding job and also share two young DC with DH. DH often works weekends so I don't get a break then either.

I found myself yesterday with a surprise couple of hours to myself when my parents offered to take our DC for some lunch with my aunt who was visiting them. I was offered to go but I'd had a headache and honestly just fancied the time alone.

It really is quite rare for me to just be able to get on the sofa and watch something just for me with a brew and relax, not be in mum or wife mode.

DSS is with us the majority of the time, he is 15. He's a good kid, we aren't massively close but we get along ok. He isn't a talker so to be totally honest even after 9 years I still find it a little awkward being around him without DH there. I find it hard work being alone with him because he just doesn't speak so you end up sat in silence or having to work to get anything out of him. It's not just me he is like this with, he's the same with all of his family.

These days he tends to prefer being out with friends or in his room. So even though DSS was there it still felt like I had some alone time.

However, I got about 10 minutes into watching a programme and DSS came downstairs and just lay on the other sofa scrolling on his phone. Now in normal circumstances I would not have a problem with this. Every now and then he does make an appearance downstairs when DC are here and he'll sit downstairs with us for a bit. But I just wanted this time alone, I didn't want to sit feeling awkward or have to turn off my programme (not something I'd really feel comfortable watching with a 15 year old boy).

So I ended up asking if he was alright, did he need anything? He said he was fine and no so I asked, politely, if he'd mind just letting me have a bit of time to be alone while DC were gone. He got up and left.

I did feel a little bad and I did mention it to DH later so he could check there wasn't anything up with DSS. DH now thinks it was mean to send DSS away.

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Drowningincokezero · 12/10/2025 08:29

No I don't think you were BU. You're the adult and your already started your activity. Plus it doesn't sound like it was appropriate for his age nor something he wanted to watch himself. Id have done the same

ILikeBigBookssandIcannotlie · 12/10/2025 08:30

On the one hand I absolutely understand your that absolute desperate wish for some space, and how it can actually start to deeply affect mental health.

On the other hand, it's his home too and I think this possibly needed handling a bit more thoughtfully

Autisticburnouthell · 12/10/2025 08:31

He probably just wanted some connection. It will have been awkard for him too but it may have been just been in the room eith you was enough for him. Next time ask him for some TV programme recommendations. It feels odd that you’ve lived with a person for many years and don’t have a connection with them.

AphroditesSeashell · 12/10/2025 08:31

Tricky one. Maybe DSS was using the time when the other DC were away to get some 1-2-1 time with you. Teenagers are weird; they dont always want to talk, but just being closeby is their idea of spending time together. So, he might have taken a punt and got short shrift. He's probably thinking "I won't be doing that again".

On the other hand, you are a person aswell as a mother and you are entitled to some alone time. In usual MN style, I think you have a DH problem. If his son is coming to the home, husband should be there to spend time with him. He can't leave you to do the majority of the caring for your shared children and DSS...then give you attitude because you seeked out a couple hours of quiet time in a way that didnt meet his standards.

44PumpLane · 12/10/2025 08:33

Absolutely fine (though if it happens again maybe don't say you want some alone time, say you want to watch X that is not appropriate for him to watch).

Everyone needs some alone time sometimes and it sounds like it's a super rarity for you

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 12/10/2025 08:33

Oof. I think you could ask this of your husband but not a 15yo DSS.

Wallywobbles · 12/10/2025 08:36

I’m with you on this one. I absolutely hate DSS just hanging out in a space with me. If we are working on a task together it’s not an issue.
not sure if it’s the same with my kids mostly because they never just lie on the sofa.

Trickabrick · 12/10/2025 08:37

I totally 100% get why you did that but there’s a very good chance he could take that as a rebuff. Maybe think about what you could do to connect more with him on a more 1-2-1 basis.

Coconutter24 · 12/10/2025 08:39

Yes it was mean to send a child away, he obviously came down because he wanted the company otherwise he’d of just stayed in his room. Regardless of if he doesn’t talk a lot he is still a child. You say he was sat scrolling through his phone, I’d of just laid there watching my programme whilst he looked at his phone. It’s not like he’s being loud or demanding of your time or anything

Theoldbird · 12/10/2025 08:39

I've asked my own dc for space when I've been overwhelmed so I don't see anything wrong with this. I don't understand why women are never expected to want to be unavailable to everyone all the time. posters saying, maybe he wanted 1 on 1 time or a bit of connection with op etc. It's no bad thing for a 15 year old to learn that adults sometimes need and want some time to themselves

xxxwd · 12/10/2025 08:40

You asked him to leave a communal area in his home? Despite the fact he wasn’t actually causing any bother.

Poor kid!

Original poster
Pullman88 · 12/10/2025 08:42

I do see what PPs are saying, that perhaps he was using the time without DC for 121 time. I think I just wasn't in the space to give it right then, I needed the time myself to just be. The thought of instead spending my rare sliver of me time trying to eek out some sort of conversation from DSS or just sitting there awkwardly in silence was too much at that time.

You could say you can watch TV while he lies there but for me, it just doesn't feel the same as being alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pullman88 · 12/10/2025 08:44

xxxwd · 12/10/2025 08:40

You asked him to leave a communal area in his home? Despite the fact he wasn’t actually causing any bother.

Poor kid!

We do have other communal areas in the house with sofa / TV. I did consider getting up and moving rooms but I didn't know if that would have been worse if he'd have followed me and I'd then have had to say can I just be alone please.

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 12/10/2025 08:44

I don't think YABU to want time to yourself but I do think you should not have asked him to leave a shared space. I think you should have left to your room or a walk or whatever.

Trickabrick · 12/10/2025 08:45

Pullman88 · 12/10/2025 08:42

I do see what PPs are saying, that perhaps he was using the time without DC for 121 time. I think I just wasn't in the space to give it right then, I needed the time myself to just be. The thought of instead spending my rare sliver of me time trying to eek out some sort of conversation from DSS or just sitting there awkwardly in silence was too much at that time.

You could say you can watch TV while he lies there but for me, it just doesn't feel the same as being alone.

And I think that’s fine and valid to feel that way, your feelings count too in the house and being a step parent isn’t easy. No judgement at all! In your shoes, I’d think about what other opportunities you have to bond with him given you say he’s with you a lot of the time.

CopperWhite · 12/10/2025 08:46

Poor kid. He came and tried to have a bit of connection with you and was rejected.

It’s not his fault his Dad works weekends and had more kids, forcing him into a step family. Your reasons for wanting time alone are valid, but nothing to do with your step son. He didn’t ask to be left with someone who isn’t his parent.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/10/2025 08:47

I can see where you were coming from. You were feeling unwell and overwhelmed. However, I’d now check in on your dss. Maybe he needed connection and has a lot going on for him too. At the end of the day, he doesn’t have a choice to be in the situation he found himself in with a stepmum, who you don’t feel very close to, 2 younger siblings in the household and a dad, who’s often absent over the weekend. That could be a lot for a 15 year old to deal with if he’s not got an outlet… does he have an outlet?

It sounds as if he just wanted to be there. Could you have approached it something like: ‘Dan I’m feeling unwell and watching something I’m not that comfortable watching with you. I’m just going to focus on the tv. I hope you’re ok.’ And then basically ignore him. If he was absorbed in his phone he may not even have been aware of the programme or of you beyond your presence.

Maybe that’s the conversation to have with him today?

ILikeBigBookssandIcannotlie · 12/10/2025 08:48

CopperWhite · 12/10/2025 08:46

Poor kid. He came and tried to have a bit of connection with you and was rejected.

It’s not his fault his Dad works weekends and had more kids, forcing him into a step family. Your reasons for wanting time alone are valid, but nothing to do with your step son. He didn’t ask to be left with someone who isn’t his parent.

I agree his dad sounds like he doesn't prioritise him at all

Mine refuse to go to their dad's house if he is isn't actually there now.
What are the contact arrangements @Pullman88 and why aren't they changed to reflect dad's work patterns?

dammit88 · 12/10/2025 08:49

Honestly this was hugely unreasonable. The poor boy. He has feelings too. I can understand wanting to be alone but your actions were really wrong here.

MumoftwoNC · 12/10/2025 08:49

I think if you want alone time you should go to your bedroom rather than shoo your SS from the living room.

Now he'll feel like the living room is somewhere he isn't automatically entitled to be in, ie unwelcome in his own home.

If I were him I'd stop going to your house and spend all my time at my mum's.

DaisyChain505 · 12/10/2025 08:50

I totally get where you’re coming from but also see that it was a big deal for him to come and sit with you knowing it was just you two in the house. He didn’t have to do that but he chose to and he’s now probably feeling really rejected.

Maybe offer him to chance to go and do something one on one. Maybe watch something at the cinema, go mini golfing, go out for a quick bite somewhere you know he likes.

LaChouette · 12/10/2025 08:51

CopperWhite · 12/10/2025 08:46

Poor kid. He came and tried to have a bit of connection with you and was rejected.

It’s not his fault his Dad works weekends and had more kids, forcing him into a step family. Your reasons for wanting time alone are valid, but nothing to do with your step son. He didn’t ask to be left with someone who isn’t his parent.

Agreed.
And there is no need to force conversation while watching TV. He wanted company and maybe feels he rarely gets adult time without annoying younger half siblings around.

Shrewsbury247 · 12/10/2025 08:51

Totally understand your point of view but I also feel sad for your SS.
it’s his home too and he obviously felt content to come down and chill with you, which I think is very endearing, says something about how he views the relationship with you.
Would you have said this to DD if he came into the room or could you see yourself saying this to your own DC when they’re older.
I do get that we all need time alone to decompress.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 12/10/2025 08:52

Honestly, I think you were really mean to him. Unintentionally I know, but still mean

Makemineacosmo · 12/10/2025 08:53

Sorry, but although I understand that you wanted space, and I really do understand that, the poor lad would have felt shit about that.

I think that was a really crappy thing to do.

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