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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have asked for space?

111 replies

Pullman88 · 12/10/2025 08:25

I don't get a lot of time to myself, barely ever in fact. I work full time in a very demanding job and also share two young DC with DH. DH often works weekends so I don't get a break then either.

I found myself yesterday with a surprise couple of hours to myself when my parents offered to take our DC for some lunch with my aunt who was visiting them. I was offered to go but I'd had a headache and honestly just fancied the time alone.

It really is quite rare for me to just be able to get on the sofa and watch something just for me with a brew and relax, not be in mum or wife mode.

DSS is with us the majority of the time, he is 15. He's a good kid, we aren't massively close but we get along ok. He isn't a talker so to be totally honest even after 9 years I still find it a little awkward being around him without DH there. I find it hard work being alone with him because he just doesn't speak so you end up sat in silence or having to work to get anything out of him. It's not just me he is like this with, he's the same with all of his family.

These days he tends to prefer being out with friends or in his room. So even though DSS was there it still felt like I had some alone time.

However, I got about 10 minutes into watching a programme and DSS came downstairs and just lay on the other sofa scrolling on his phone. Now in normal circumstances I would not have a problem with this. Every now and then he does make an appearance downstairs when DC are here and he'll sit downstairs with us for a bit. But I just wanted this time alone, I didn't want to sit feeling awkward or have to turn off my programme (not something I'd really feel comfortable watching with a 15 year old boy).

So I ended up asking if he was alright, did he need anything? He said he was fine and no so I asked, politely, if he'd mind just letting me have a bit of time to be alone while DC were gone. He got up and left.

I did feel a little bad and I did mention it to DH later so he could check there wasn't anything up with DSS. DH now thinks it was mean to send DSS away.

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
NellieElephantine · 12/10/2025 08:53

MumoftwoNC · 12/10/2025 08:49

I think if you want alone time you should go to your bedroom rather than shoo your SS from the living room.

Now he'll feel like the living room is somewhere he isn't automatically entitled to be in, ie unwelcome in his own home.

If I were him I'd stop going to your house and spend all my time at my mum's.

This, honestly some posters absolute disregard for their step childish awful.
Thinking of the poster with the 17 yo dss who doesn't even have a bed or bedroom, and her abject horror he was in 'OUR family' living room, making it clear he wasn't included in the OUR family. #legoshrinegate

Jellybunny56 · 12/10/2025 08:54

I think you’ve been really quite cruel here. Fair enough if he was in your bedroom but you were sat in a communal area in his home, totally not acceptable to send him away.

Original poster
Pullman88 · 12/10/2025 08:55

He's been with us nearing full time for about 4 and a half years now. He does see his mum but not a huge amount and he chooses not to stay overnight there pretty much all of the time, I don't really want to go into the whys on here in case it's recognised. She isn't a bad mum at all but she has a lot of things going on which made it difficult for her to care for him.

So while I don't feel super close to DSS, I do try my best, I'm the one who takes him to the bus stop each morning for school, puts out his uniform on the radiator in the morning, buys his favourite foods when shopping and so on... I'm not a completely cold and uncaring step mother. I just struggle with his personality to feel totally comfortable around him on my own. And that's probably partly me too because I'm used to my family who like to talk, I'm not used to awkward silence and feel the need to fill it. So when he's there without DH to fill the gap or little DC, it feels like either hard work trying to force conversation or awkward sitting there not speaking.

OP posts:
DrowningInSyrup · 12/10/2025 08:57

Step children really seem to suffer, I worry for my daughter, especially now she has a baby brother.

Maybe ask if he wants to go to the cinema, he doesn't have to talk there and it will mean a lot to him after this rejection. I'm sorry you feel so awkward around him, and it's totally understandable you want some alone time though.

JMSA · 12/10/2025 08:59

MumoftwoNC · 12/10/2025 08:49

I think if you want alone time you should go to your bedroom rather than shoo your SS from the living room.

Now he'll feel like the living room is somewhere he isn't automatically entitled to be in, ie unwelcome in his own home.

If I were him I'd stop going to your house and spend all my time at my mum's.

This. You should have taken yourself off to your own room.

Whaleandsnail6 · 12/10/2025 08:59

I think you were unreasonable to feel like you would have to make awkward conversations.... having the tv on is perfect to watch quietly in silence.

I feel a bit sorry for him. You wouldn't have asked your own kids to leave the room (as you were so happy to have the tv to yourself , sounds like you wouldn't have watched TV if other kids were there and would have had them in communal area) Your house is dss main home so I don't think it would have hirt to swotch the tv programme if it really was inappropriate and spent a little time together

NellieElephantine · 12/10/2025 09:10

JMSA · 12/10/2025 08:59

This. You should have taken yourself off to your own room.

Show quote history

This, honestly some posters absolute disregard for their step childish awful.
Thinking of the poster with the 17 yo dss whoeee** doesn't even have a bed or bedroom, and her abject horror he was in 'OUR family' living room, making it clear he wasn't included in the OUR family. #legoshrinegate

Makemineacosmo · 12/10/2025 09:10

Boys his age are often full of bravado and pretend like they don't care about much at all, but I would guess that he is pretty hurt by this. I think most people would be to be honest.

SeriousShirley · 12/10/2025 09:11

Oh for goodness sake. What is with women like this, who are happy to shack up with, and procreate, with men who already have children - and then seemingly just tolerate said child.
So what he's not as outgoing as others in your family. Is he not allowed to be himself?

Poor kid who's own mum cannot cope, a dad who left and started a new family, and now not allowed to dare sit in the same room as his stepmother because she wants alone time. He wasn't bothering OP by talking, or demanding time - just purely existing and laying on the sofa. Doesn't anyone in that house consider him? Or he should be grateful because his clothes are put on the radiator.

Titasaducksarse · 12/10/2025 09:18

To you he may have just been sitting in silence but he sought you out for company, just to be in the same room and you then told him to go away.
You say in your post it's awkward when your husband isn't there...no shit as you've just burnt a huge bridge this child was trying to build with you.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 12/10/2025 09:19

And that's probably partly me too because I'm used to my family who like to talk, I'm not used to awkward silence

when your own children get to be teenagers, they too (if boys) will likely go through a silent, awkward phase. It’s completely and utterly normal behaviour due to age, self consciousness and hormones. It is not a character flaw or even much of an indicator of how his personality will be as an adult!

VickyEadieofThigh · 12/10/2025 09:22

I think it's dreadful that you asked him to leave and I am 100% certain you'd never do this to one of your own children.

BruisedNeckMeat · 12/10/2025 09:22

Yes it was horribly mean to send him away. Teens can be awkward and difficult to communicate with. Him actively choosing to come and sit with you 1:1 was telling you something, especially if he is usually a bedroom dweller. I imagine he doesn’t get much time without the younger kids around.

The update regarding his fractured relationship with his own mum makes it worse.

Try and think of a way to make it up to him.

ShesTheAlbatross · 12/10/2025 09:25

I think that in a communal area during the day, it’s the person who wants to be alone that has to leave. Totally reasonable to want some time on your own, but I’d have said “sorry DSS, I’ve got a headache and need some downtime so I’m going to go up to my room”. So I’d say YANBU for not spending the time with him, but YABU for asking him to leave a communal area in his house.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/10/2025 09:29

I think it was a bit harsh sorry. He spends most of his time in his room or with friends - he's not the reason you need space. He wasnt following you into your room or something, he was sat in a communal area in the day. So there is a damger that he takes this as telling him you can't spend any time with him because you're burnt out from spending all your time with your other kids. Or that he isn't welcome in his own home etc.

Also, most people watch TV in (mostly) silence, the feeling awkward about it is a you problem not a him problem but you made him solve it for you.

If the program wasn't suitable for a 15 year old (rather than again you feeling awkward about watching it) you could have just said 'oh sorry I'm not sure this program is suitable for under 18s' and he would probably have taken himself off (or if he stayed there you could have watched it elsewhere).

I think you think it was a bit off or it wouldn't have crossed your mind to mention it to your husband. Maybe you need to work together to figure out how you can get some more regular time to yourself though as this has shown you how much you need it

Slobberchops1 · 12/10/2025 09:29

You are so mean , sent a child away from a family area . You should have gone to your own room if you wanted space .

Sounds like you don’t like him much - because he makes you feel awkward because he doesn’t speak much

Growlybear83 · 12/10/2025 09:30

If you had a headache, why didn’t you tell your step son, and go up to bed for some peace and quiet?

Sharptonguedwoman · 12/10/2025 09:31

I feel really sad for the child, reading this. Poor boy. He came to you when you weren't busy with your won children and you sent him away.

childofthe607080s · 12/10/2025 09:33

agree you should have apologised and gone to your room not push him out

being a stepchild is incredibly difficult

just say sorry for being so rude - I wasn’t feeling well

gannett · 12/10/2025 09:37

If you're in a communal area, you're signalling to anyone else in the house that you're open to communal time. Doesn't matter who it is or what relationship you have with them. If you want alone time (obviously reasonable) you have a bedroom for that.

It would also have been totally acceptable to leave the communal room to be alone - it's weird that you'd find that more awkward than literally telling him to leave?!

Agree with PP it's a shame that you rebuffed his very teenage attempt at connection but it doesn't need to be a huge deal and you can probably make it up to him in some way (and casually drop in a "sorry for the other day, I was feeling under the weather" while you're at it).

thisishowloween · 12/10/2025 09:39

If you wanted alone time you should have gone to your room, or gone out for a couple of hours, not banished him from a communal area of the house.

CypressGrove · 12/10/2025 09:41

I don't get why the silence is awkward? With teens hanging out together and doing your own thing is pretty normal. I think of as comfortable silence not awkward.

PumpkinSeasonOctober · 12/10/2025 09:41

Poor lad!! If you can’t connect with him after this amount of time then you haven’t made enough effort.

MumoftwoNC · 12/10/2025 09:57

The update about SS not being able to stay at his mum's makes it much worse.

Poor kid. His Dad should feel guilty and ashamed for the awkward home-life he's built for his son.

He'll probably move out as soon as he possibly can if he feels unwelcome, which you might be pleased about, but statistically more likely to put him in a vulnerable situation or cut short his education.

Enigma54 · 12/10/2025 10:02

SeriousShirley · 12/10/2025 09:11

Oh for goodness sake. What is with women like this, who are happy to shack up with, and procreate, with men who already have children - and then seemingly just tolerate said child.
So what he's not as outgoing as others in your family. Is he not allowed to be himself?

Poor kid who's own mum cannot cope, a dad who left and started a new family, and now not allowed to dare sit in the same room as his stepmother because she wants alone time. He wasn't bothering OP by talking, or demanding time - just purely existing and laying on the sofa. Doesn't anyone in that house consider him? Or he should be grateful because his clothes are put on the radiator.

Yes I agree with this sadly. That boy is probably feeling rejected right left and centre. His own mum can’t parent him, his dad is busy working and step mum asked him to leave the sitting room. He could have had mates over, causing chaos and all sorts, but he was just lying on a sofa!

OP, alone time is important, but on this occasion, you should have migrated to your room.

Just to add, teens can be awkward to talk to, as the hormones kick in. Just because he doesn’t talk, doesn’t mean he’s not got a personality. My own 17.5 DS is only just starting to communicate better with us. Prior to that, it was all grunts and scowls and being rather selfish.

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