AIBU to have asked for space?

[Pullman88]

I don't get a lot of time to myself, barely ever in fact. I work full time in a very demanding job and also share two young DC with DH. DH often works weekends so I don't get a break then either.

I found myself yesterday with a surprise couple of hours to myself when my parents offered to take our DC for some lunch with my aunt who was visiting them. I was offered to go but I'd had a headache and honestly just fancied the time alone.

It really is quite rare for me to just be able to get on the sofa and watch something just for me with a brew and relax, not be in mum or wife mode.

DSS is with us the majority of the time, he is 15. He's a good kid, we aren't massively close but we get along ok. He isn't a talker so to be totally honest even after 9 years I still find it a little awkward being around him without DH there. I find it hard work being alone with him because he just doesn't speak so you end up sat in silence or having to work to get anything out of him. It's not just me he is like this with, he's the same with all of his family.

These days he tends to prefer being out with friends or in his room. So even though DSS was there it still felt like I had some alone time.

However, I got about 10 minutes into watching a programme and DSS came downstairs and just lay on the other sofa scrolling on his phone. Now in normal circumstances I would not have a problem with this. Every now and then he does make an appearance downstairs when DC are here and he'll sit downstairs with us for a bit. But I just wanted this time alone, I didn't want to sit feeling awkward or have to turn off my programme (not something I'd really feel comfortable watching with a 15 year old boy).

So I ended up asking if he was alright, did he need anything? He said he was fine and no so I asked, politely, if he'd mind just letting me have a bit of time to be alone while DC were gone. He got up and left.

I did feel a little bad and I did mention it to DH later so he could check there wasn't anything up with DSS. DH now thinks it was mean to send DSS away.

Was I unreasonable?

Still not as bad as telling a step kid they aren't welcome in communal areas of their dad's house.

I agree with this. YABU.

You have now quite possibly made him feel unwelcome in his own home, which is a pretty unpleasant thing to do. It could well be interpreted as you making it clear this is YOUR home and he is merely allowed to be there. Teenagers in general, and teenage boys in particular, can be quite sensitive but not want to show it- so they can appear nonchalant or as though they don’t care, when in fact they are quite hurt or upset.

I am not trying to be harsh towards you- but I think you also know that you didn’t do the right thing, deep down, or you would not have brought it up with your DH or on here. You would not have given it another thought. I think you wanted your Dh to reassure you that what you did was fine so you could stop feeling bad about it, and when he said he thought you got it wrong, you have now come on here to seek the same reassurance. I’m sure you’ll get some people saying you are right to ask him to leave as you need time to yourself. I agree that you are entitled to some time to yourself- and that it was disappointing that the plans you had were interrupted- but I think if the “time to yourself” has to be alone (rather than doing what you want, even if other people are around) then you to do that in your own private area within the house and not in a communal space. I would never ask everyone to leave communal spaces because I want some peace and quiet- if I need that, I go to my room or my study- or out of the house completely if that is suitable for what I want to do. If I’m watching something and they are being noisy, I’ll ask them to be quiet or leave, but that’s not the same thing.

This boy is the child of the man you supposedly love. He is as deserving of a loving family environment as your DC. It is clear from the way you talk about him that you tolerate him, even though you do some “caring” things for him, that you would rather he was not living with you. The things you mention are all fairly superficial and some of it (taking him to the bus, for instance) you actually do to help your DH with his parental duties. Would you say that looking after or fulfilling parental duties for your children is being doing “to be kind to them”? He is not your child, but he is a child living in his family home and should be treated as such. He is not a guest. That said, your DH is more to blame as he should not have blended families before he was sure it would be good for his son, and that his intended partner was able to be a positive part of his child’s life.

The awkwardness you describe when you are with him is as much down to you as it is him- why is his quietness the issue, rather than your need for easy chatter? And i think it is more on you than him that even after 9 years you haven’t found a way to build some rapport, to the point you feel awkward unless someone else is there. He was 6 when you met him, and you could not find any way to bridge that gap, even a little bit, in all this time? I’m not saying you make an effort to be actively cruel or are outrightly hostile, because I don’t think you do- but you do sound rather indifferent and unintentionally unkind towards him. Which is not a pleasant environment for a child to grow up in. And he does not even have a stable home with mum to retreat to either. I feel quite sorry for him, really. I’m sure you’ll say he is fine, happy, no significant issues- but if the way you write about him is an indication of how you feel and your attitude towards him, then he will pick up on it even if he doesn’t let you or his Dad see it.

On a more general point, I will never understand why on earth adults choose to enter a relationship, and then move in with and marry a partner with a child if you don’t want to be a part of the child’s life in anything but a superficial way? And certainly don’t want really want them around much. Even if your SS did not live with his father when you met, or when you decided to enter a committed relationship, or even when you got married, you must have realised that it was always possible that he might want (or have) to live with his Dad at some point in the future. I feel sorry for some stepchildren- they have no choice in the family they become blended into, are expected just to get on with it, rather than them being the primary focus.

oof. Poor little guy. He sounds socially awkward and didn’t need this.

I totally 100% get why you wanted to be alone and why you felt you deserved this alone time with your show. I still never would have put this on a teenager who is probably quite sensitive.

it would have been better to say the show wasn’t age appropriate and could he veg out upstairs until it was over. But to tell him you didn’t want to be around him is quite brutal IMO.

If your dh wants you to fit 121 time with his son into your day he can enable you to have a tiny sliver of time on your own first so you have some headspace. Tell him that, and how dare he assume you have no right to any time solo ever, it’s a good husbands job to support you.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. I sometimes ask my own kids to vacate the living room if I’m watching something unsuitable. They have their own spaces in their rooms with everything they need and spend the majority of their time with me so I don’t feel guilty asking. Don’t overthink it. You’re entitled to time to yourself in your home.

This is a real leap.

there are a lot of possibilities for alone time that don’t involve telling a teenage step child that his silent presence isn’t welcome in a communal family room.

no one is saying that OP doesn’t need alone time. I think they are saying she went about it in the wrong way.

That’s a separate answer actually. She could have said it differently although I don’t think it’s unreasonable to tell a child you need some space. My response is about her dh. You have a busy mum full time parenting and he works weekends too so she’s parenting non stop including his older son. That’s a tough schedule mentally, and her parents facilitated her getting a tiny bit of time, it wasn’t her husband facilitating, but then his son came in and would have taken up the time and she rejected that. he’s not recognising her position - he’s expecting her to be perfectly on for the kids 24/7. He can find the time to check in on his son and also to give her a break and maybe once he’s done a tiny bit of the home load then he can criticise.

If the son was demanding her attention I would be sympathetic to this view.

but he was literally minding his own business, looking at his own screen, in the family room with her. Making no noise, asking for nothing.

He wasn’t taking her time or energy at all.

Yanbu for wanting to be alone.
Yabu for asking him to leave a communal space in his own house.

Its not about how you felt, it's about how you acted on your feelings. It's a territorial move and its controlling.

If you want alone time, go to your own private space.

Poor kid, he now feels unwanted and in the way in his own house.

Agree with crappy comments. A very selfish thing to do.

No one is saying that the OP shouldn't have solo time, including her husband. He hasn't asked her to spend 121 time with her stepson either.

All anyone is saying is that if you really want solo time, you should go to a non-communal area of the house for it. And if someone joins you in a communal area, you don't get to tell them to bugger off.

If you want solo time in the house, go to your bedroom or office and shut the door. That's it really.