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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have asked for space?

111 replies

Pullman88 · 12/10/2025 08:25

I don't get a lot of time to myself, barely ever in fact. I work full time in a very demanding job and also share two young DC with DH. DH often works weekends so I don't get a break then either.

I found myself yesterday with a surprise couple of hours to myself when my parents offered to take our DC for some lunch with my aunt who was visiting them. I was offered to go but I'd had a headache and honestly just fancied the time alone.

It really is quite rare for me to just be able to get on the sofa and watch something just for me with a brew and relax, not be in mum or wife mode.

DSS is with us the majority of the time, he is 15. He's a good kid, we aren't massively close but we get along ok. He isn't a talker so to be totally honest even after 9 years I still find it a little awkward being around him without DH there. I find it hard work being alone with him because he just doesn't speak so you end up sat in silence or having to work to get anything out of him. It's not just me he is like this with, he's the same with all of his family.

These days he tends to prefer being out with friends or in his room. So even though DSS was there it still felt like I had some alone time.

However, I got about 10 minutes into watching a programme and DSS came downstairs and just lay on the other sofa scrolling on his phone. Now in normal circumstances I would not have a problem with this. Every now and then he does make an appearance downstairs when DC are here and he'll sit downstairs with us for a bit. But I just wanted this time alone, I didn't want to sit feeling awkward or have to turn off my programme (not something I'd really feel comfortable watching with a 15 year old boy).

So I ended up asking if he was alright, did he need anything? He said he was fine and no so I asked, politely, if he'd mind just letting me have a bit of time to be alone while DC were gone. He got up and left.

I did feel a little bad and I did mention it to DH later so he could check there wasn't anything up with DSS. DH now thinks it was mean to send DSS away.

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Pezdeoro41 · 12/10/2025 10:09

I TOTALLY get where you are coming from - I absolutely need alone time too - but I think I would probably have done it differently, said something like 'I was just going to take to my bed for a couple of hours while the young kids are out, can I set you up with anything before I grab a bit of rest?' and then snuck the iPad upstairs :)

ComfortFoodCafe · 12/10/2025 10:12

Yabu. He sought you out for company and you banished him from the living room, honestly poor boy would be best just spending time at his mums house than bothering to come on the weekend to where hes clearly not wanted. what a nasty thing to do.

bigageap · 12/10/2025 12:50

If you want you time you need to sort this with your husband. Not kick the poor existing child out of a room in his own home!

this weekend has been full of threads from awful step mothers!

Whoevenarethey · 12/10/2025 12:56

I think he probably wanted to be in the room with you but not interrupting you in anyway.
You say he is with you most of the time, perhaps he also wanted to enjoy a weekend where his step siblings weren't around (possibly being annoying towards him, I am not sure if you have put how old they are only that they are young) so maybe he was also appreciating some space in the home and felt it was more grown up, hence coming out of his room.
If they are a lot younger he probably hides in his room because they irritate him (in the same way you wanted a break from them). He was likely to be happy to sit in a companionable silence and I agree it was rude to send him out. You should have gone to you own room if you wanted space and time away from everyone.

TY78910 · 12/10/2025 13:17

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 12/10/2025 08:33

Oof. I think you could ask this of your husband but not a 15yo DSS.

I agree, he probably just wanted to be around you to build a connection. Not sure why that bothered you though? You could still have a brew and watch your programme. It’s not like he was asking you questions and was being needy…

Enigma54 · 12/10/2025 13:22

Just re read your thread. You were being mean to DSS. Maybe he wanted some company? He was doing nothing wrong and he was on the other sofa.

Cadenza12 · 12/10/2025 13:23

No wonder things feel awkward between you, because they are. If it had been one of your own children can you imagine sending them packing? He's not chosen to be in this position, unwelcome in his own home.

Enigma54 · 12/10/2025 13:24

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 12/10/2025 08:33

Oof. I think you could ask this of your husband but not a 15yo DSS.

Love the user name @ChildrenOfTheQuorn brilliant!
That film in the day was creepy !

tsmainsqueeze · 12/10/2025 13:28

I absolutely know what you mean , i crave space which i very rarely get ! but i think you shouldn't have asked him to leave even though i would have felt the same .
I think i would have to explain myself to him and i would also do a bit of sucking up to him maybe with a big block of his favourite chocolate or something else he loves , it would play on my mind if i thought i had hurt his feelings .
Total empathy for you though, i would sell my soul sometimes for just a little time for me!

WallaceinAnderland · 12/10/2025 13:29

Oof that's quite the rejection, poor kid.

WallaceinAnderland · 12/10/2025 13:30

Ooo, I used oof without reading the pp's oof. Must be picking up on the kid vibes

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 12/10/2025 13:34

Wait, does your husband work seven days a week?
You are either at work or solely in charge of DC including his. What’s he doing?

Ddakji · 12/10/2025 13:34

I think if you’d explained that with 2 younger children you really needed some time completely alone and wanted to watch TV, there’s no reason for it to cause any upset - and although your DH is saying you were mean I can’t see anything to say that the DSS was bothered by it.

At 15 I think it’s fine for kids to know that being a parent can be exhausting and you’re entitled to some space.

2 hours isn’t much - either as down time for you or for the DSS to be asked to leave you be.

Maybe in passing just mention to him that you’re grateful he let you be as you really needed that break.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 12/10/2025 13:35

Your DH probably needs to give you a night off a week, so you aren’t burnt out by the weekend.

Arglefraster · 12/10/2025 13:37

I totally understand you wanting time to yourself but a 15 yr old who doesn't normally hang out with you choosing to sit by you when everyone else is out screams of a teen reaching out.

they're like toddlers & always pick the moment you are most needing peace to need you!

Despite the fact you don't feel close to him you've been a constant presence in his life plus he probably sees your relationship with your kids & finds that missing from his life.

ishimbob · 12/10/2025 13:40

I totally understand wanting time to yourself and that someone sitting there with you, even if they aren't bothering you isn't the same

But I think it's not ok to tell a family member to buzz off when you're in a communal living area.

My kids are younger but if either of us want time alone, we go to our bedroom

InBedBy10 · 12/10/2025 13:42

Nothing wrong with wanting time to yourself and i think you should sit down with your DH and work out how to carve some regular time alone going forward. But you should have said you were watching something that was not appropriate for him. That would have been less harsh.

Also your need to fill every silence is a YOU problem. Just because you find silence awkward doesnt mean everyone else does or they should have to work at filling the silence for you. I'd find you hard work in the same way you find your step son hard work.

nomas · 12/10/2025 13:46

I do think it’s important you get time to yourself.

Does DH spend any time with any of the kids? When are his days off?

I think if you can say to your own kids to play in their room for a bit for a bit of peace then it’s ok to say to DSS as well.

I probably would have said I’m watching a programme for adults so would appreciate some time alone and then you’ll call him down later.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 12/10/2025 13:57

MumoftwoNC · 12/10/2025 08:49

I think if you want alone time you should go to your bedroom rather than shoo your SS from the living room.

Now he'll feel like the living room is somewhere he isn't automatically entitled to be in, ie unwelcome in his own home.

If I were him I'd stop going to your house and spend all my time at my mum's.

< this >

and what a way to send a message to an awkward teenager that he’s not welcome in his own home (or that it’s not even his home)

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 12/10/2025 14:09

@Pullman88

If you were to split up with DH - and let’s face it it, there’s a 42% chance it will (well, 42% of marriages in the UK are ending in divorce - how would you feel when your now awkward teenage children are told by your ex’s partner that essentially they’re not welcome to sit in the same room as her?

LatteLady · 12/10/2025 14:19

I totally understand why you did this... I would now speak to him and explain how grateful you were that you could talk to him like an adult and say you needed some alone time, adding not all of my mum friends can do this, and I know that on occasion the sound of me or your dad breathing will drive you up the wal, and I will have your back when that happens... then, maybe offer a coffee or a burger out sometime during the week, just the two of you.

MumoftwoNC · 12/10/2025 15:09

LatteLady · 12/10/2025 14:19

I totally understand why you did this... I would now speak to him and explain how grateful you were that you could talk to him like an adult and say you needed some alone time, adding not all of my mum friends can do this, and I know that on occasion the sound of me or your dad breathing will drive you up the wal, and I will have your back when that happens... then, maybe offer a coffee or a burger out sometime during the week, just the two of you.

I totally agree that OP needs to make some kind of friendly reaching out to her SS, to make up for this.

The problem is that SS will almost definitely decline. He doesn't want to have an awkward cafe outing with his step mum. He just wanted to sit in companionable silence in front of the TV with her.

The best thing for op to do (in my opinion) is to engineer another situation where dh takes the younger ones out, and invite SS into the living room to watch The Traitors or something.

Roobarbtwo · 12/10/2025 15:21

Pullman88 · 12/10/2025 08:25

I don't get a lot of time to myself, barely ever in fact. I work full time in a very demanding job and also share two young DC with DH. DH often works weekends so I don't get a break then either.

I found myself yesterday with a surprise couple of hours to myself when my parents offered to take our DC for some lunch with my aunt who was visiting them. I was offered to go but I'd had a headache and honestly just fancied the time alone.

It really is quite rare for me to just be able to get on the sofa and watch something just for me with a brew and relax, not be in mum or wife mode.

DSS is with us the majority of the time, he is 15. He's a good kid, we aren't massively close but we get along ok. He isn't a talker so to be totally honest even after 9 years I still find it a little awkward being around him without DH there. I find it hard work being alone with him because he just doesn't speak so you end up sat in silence or having to work to get anything out of him. It's not just me he is like this with, he's the same with all of his family.

These days he tends to prefer being out with friends or in his room. So even though DSS was there it still felt like I had some alone time.

However, I got about 10 minutes into watching a programme and DSS came downstairs and just lay on the other sofa scrolling on his phone. Now in normal circumstances I would not have a problem with this. Every now and then he does make an appearance downstairs when DC are here and he'll sit downstairs with us for a bit. But I just wanted this time alone, I didn't want to sit feeling awkward or have to turn off my programme (not something I'd really feel comfortable watching with a 15 year old boy).

So I ended up asking if he was alright, did he need anything? He said he was fine and no so I asked, politely, if he'd mind just letting me have a bit of time to be alone while DC were gone. He got up and left.

I did feel a little bad and I did mention it to DH later so he could check there wasn't anything up with DSS. DH now thinks it was mean to send DSS away.

Was I unreasonable?

Yeah. You've said enough in this first post to make it clear that you have negative feelings towards DSS in my view.

FunMustard · 12/10/2025 15:27

YANBU, I've said similar to my own children before.

Sometimes I just want some time alone. And it not be while I'm sitting down waiting for the kettle to boil, or while I'm doing some other mundane chore which is when it tends to be.

I suspect that's a telling comment about a step child though. Funny how it's not "telling" that OP wanted to spend time without her own children but the second it's a non-related child it shows how she really feels.

Children have their own time and their own rooms. Adults wanting the same for a couple of hours is not wrong. And it would seem that the DH is getting offended on behalf of his child here - pray, why wasn't daddy spending time with his child if it's that important to him?

(Yes I assume he was working but still).

Whaleandsnail6 · 12/10/2025 15:51

FunMustard · 12/10/2025 15:27

YANBU, I've said similar to my own children before.

Sometimes I just want some time alone. And it not be while I'm sitting down waiting for the kettle to boil, or while I'm doing some other mundane chore which is when it tends to be.

I suspect that's a telling comment about a step child though. Funny how it's not "telling" that OP wanted to spend time without her own children but the second it's a non-related child it shows how she really feels.

Children have their own time and their own rooms. Adults wanting the same for a couple of hours is not wrong. And it would seem that the DH is getting offended on behalf of his child here - pray, why wasn't daddy spending time with his child if it's that important to him?

(Yes I assume he was working but still).

For me, its not that she didn't want to spend time with him (or her own kids)..its that she asked him to leave a communal area of the home.

For an awkward teen, who isn't related to her, but has to have this as his home due to the set up, that feels unwelcoming and hurtful. He chose that moment to come to a communal area, when his little siblings or dad were not around, and was asked to leave. Can you not see how that might feel to a teen?

I think op got this wrong and it wouldn't hurt to have switched tv programme and watched tv together.