AIBU to have asked for space?

[Pullman88]

I don't get a lot of time to myself, barely ever in fact. I work full time in a very demanding job and also share two young DC with DH. DH often works weekends so I don't get a break then either.

I found myself yesterday with a surprise couple of hours to myself when my parents offered to take our DC for some lunch with my aunt who was visiting them. I was offered to go but I'd had a headache and honestly just fancied the time alone.

It really is quite rare for me to just be able to get on the sofa and watch something just for me with a brew and relax, not be in mum or wife mode.

DSS is with us the majority of the time, he is 15. He's a good kid, we aren't massively close but we get along ok. He isn't a talker so to be totally honest even after 9 years I still find it a little awkward being around him without DH there. I find it hard work being alone with him because he just doesn't speak so you end up sat in silence or having to work to get anything out of him. It's not just me he is like this with, he's the same with all of his family.

These days he tends to prefer being out with friends or in his room. So even though DSS was there it still felt like I had some alone time.

However, I got about 10 minutes into watching a programme and DSS came downstairs and just lay on the other sofa scrolling on his phone. Now in normal circumstances I would not have a problem with this. Every now and then he does make an appearance downstairs when DC are here and he'll sit downstairs with us for a bit. But I just wanted this time alone, I didn't want to sit feeling awkward or have to turn off my programme (not something I'd really feel comfortable watching with a 15 year old boy).

So I ended up asking if he was alright, did he need anything? He said he was fine and no so I asked, politely, if he'd mind just letting me have a bit of time to be alone while DC were gone. He got up and left.

I did feel a little bad and I did mention it to DH later so he could check there wasn't anything up with DSS. DH now thinks it was mean to send DSS away.

Was I unreasonable?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You were getting a rare moments of alone time. You work full time, your husband works weekends, you have 3 kids around constantly.

If I were you, I would schedule some alone time weekly, especially since you get nearly zero.

I think your husband needs to step up with his son.

Ooof. I’d has gone to my own room rather than ask anyone to leave me alone.

Aw I think you should message him and say sorry you had a splitting headache and didn’t mean to be rude, you don’t want him to feel he can’t come near you in future. With my own kids that I have a good relationship with I could tell them quite bluntly to leave me alone but I think it is different with a step kid.

I don’t think YABU.

I live alone with my own ds who is now 21. Sometimes I sit in the lounge alone and watch tv and if he wants to watch something in the lounge he’ll ask if he can put something on and sometimes I’ll go to the kitchen or my room. Sometimes we’ll sit together.

Time alone is important for everyone.

He may have wanted 1 on 1 time with you. He may have wanted to open up to you. If he's lived with you on and off for 4 years its a shame you don't feel a connection. I'd have a sit down chat with him and explain it was you feeling like you needed some alone time and nothing to do with him. Otherwise he'll carry this with him for a long time, I'd also make more of an effort to be a more caring stepmom.

If you needed space you should have been the one to leave. Sending the kid away was a really shitty thing to do.

By sending your SS away from the living room, you signalled that you own/control that space, and he doesn't. You're telling him that he is a guest, in your space, everywhere in the house. He has no automatic right to be anywhere.

Whereas if you'd retreated to your bedroom (and asked him not to come in, if applicable) that would have sent a completely different and much better message.

Your bedroom is your space, that you have control over. The living room should be everyone's space to share, with equal importance, that everyone in the household has a right to be in.

This might sound weirdly theoretical but children do think this way.

I have been a step daughter (well my Dad has had various consecutive partners).

As a teen I've also had to stay with host families as I was an international boarder.

It is an AWFUL feeling to be staying somewhere where you are unwelcome in the communal spaces.

Why not take it as an opportunity to build a better relationship with him and next time it’s just the two of you tell him how much you appreciated his being so understanding of your needing to have time alone on the rare time without the younger children. So nice to have a more mature boy you could say these things to

This

The reason why posters have had this reaction isn’t because the thread was started about a non-biological child but because of this description:

He isn't a talker so to be totally honest even after 9 years I still find it a little awkward being around him without DH there. I find it hard work being alone with him because he just doesn't speak so you end up sat in silence or having to work to get anything out of him.

Hmm I totally get why you felt the way you do and understand for your desire to be alone but I do think you were being a little unreasonable tbh. I always go with the rule that the living room is the family room and you can’t unilaterally decide you want alone time in the family room. If YOU want to be alone and not be disrupted then I think you should have gone to YOUR room. Lay on the bed and read a book, watch something if you have a TV in your room. Maybe be different if he was being loud and your trying to watch something but It sounds like he wasn’t really bothering you just sitting quietly on his phone in the family room, which I think he’s entitled to use as a member of the family.

Totally agree. If you’re watching tv, someone doesn’t get to come in and disrupt, but he was basically told “sorry but your mere silent presence is bothering me”

Awful. Sometimes as the adult you just have to suck stuff up, and this was one of those times.

Well that went as expected then 🙄
OP comes in looking for sympathy…..and runs away when she gets told she’s in the wrong by the majority

Surely that's worse? Poor kid walks in, sits down, and step mum leaves the room and doesn't come back down?

😬
Thinking back to myself at that age, and I would have been quite hurt at being asked to leave. There was no need to engage in conversation with him if he was happily scrolling on his phone quietly. Surely you could have said hi and then continued to watch with him there? Considering you have a stiff relationship already, I don't think this has done you any favours in regard to improving it. I can't imagine he is oblivious to the fact you are not overly enamoured with him.
I'd go and explain personally. Say you are sorry if you came across as rude, you were feeling unwell.

I don’t think you were unreasonable to want some time alone, I do think the way that you went about it could have been better. You did literally send him away after all. And he wasn’t doing anything wrong and had every right to be there.

You’re getting a hard time OP. You made a mistake. It’s not the end of the world as long as you apologise and explain that you weren’t feeling great.

If your parents are ok with babysitting maybe they can do it a bit more often at weekends, so you get regular breaks. Just a thought, given your DH works weekends.

I wouldn’t have sent him away and it does sound mean. Your husband should be giving you some down time though by watching the kids so you can have some alone time.

Honestly that sounds really horrible. He wasn’t making any noise or demanding anything of you and you basically couldn’t bare his presence! You could have gone to your bedroom and said you were going for a lie down or something instead of being really cruel to a child. Imagine how you’d feel if your husband’s next wife does the same to your child.

After 9 years you still feel awkward around him. Nine years! I find that a bit odd.

You seem really cold towards him. Shouldn't he be allowed to sit downstairs too and feel at home? Would you have said the same if it was your own child? Especially without the younger child there. If you wanted space you could have gone to your room for a lie down.

What were you watching that was so inappropriate for his age? Tbh if the tv programme was that awkward he probably would have left the room anyway! I think you were very rude, I feel sorry for him.

Yes you’ve openly admitted he’s a good kid but after 8 years or so it can be awkward and then he voluntarily comes and lays down in the same room as you. I’d take that as a breakthrough and instead of being unkind and selfish I’d of enjoyed that fact he finally felt comfortable in your solo company! I feel really sorry for that kid.

Some of these responses are ridiculous. OP, it's not unreasonable to politely ask someone to let you be alone when you really need it, yes even a child! It sounds like that couple of hours was absolutely precious to you and that you thoroughly needed it. God forbid the "poor child" went back to his room, where he apparently spends most of his time anyway. It sounds like he was fine with it - it's a non issue.
He's old enough to understand, so if you're worried he was hurt by it there's no reason you can't go chat to him and clarify that it was about you, not him. The suggestion of a cinema trip from a PP sounds good as another way of spending time with him / showing him you want to spend time with him without needing to make awkward conversation.