To wish this mum would give it a rest?

[jane331]

My DC started school last year and, since then, I've got to know quite a few of the mums from the class. One of them in particular, "Emma" (not her real name) is really starting to grate on some of us. At every possible chance she gets, she goes on and on and onnnnnn about "needing" an ADHD diagnosis for her DS. This little boys is in trouble at school most days, my DD tells me all sort of stories about his behaviour in class and in the dining hall etc.
But the mum goes on so much, relentlessly infact, about him having ADHD, although adds on that it's "undiagnosed".
Why not pursue a formal diagnosis from CAMHS or privately, instead of making her own diagnosis and spending hours per week boring the other mums or anyone who's polite enough to listen? I've never heard her going on about "his ADHD" in the local corner shop when I was behind her in the queue. The sales assistant was smiling politely but clearly felt uneasy. Not to mention this mum was holding up the queue.
Who goes on so publicly and relentlessly about their DC health or any medical concerns? Maybe i'm just old-school but any health or ND concerns with my children, I wouldn't want to talk endlessly about to anyone who listens.

Maybe she is embarrassed about his behaviour and is looking to explain it.

I guess just dont engage?

She sounds very worried about her son.

I have no problem with people being open, and it is especially helps if.you are asking or expecting others to accept certain behaviours or adapt their own.

I would be irritated shes not doing anything abou it and would be asking how the process of assessment is going.

She sounds terribly anxious and worried. You sound quite nasty.

It is not that easy! A friend just got a diagnosis for her son at 16 having had a hell of a time with him and the system and trying for a long time
You sound naive about how it works and how overstretched it all is and really even if there was a diagnosis what that would change
some EHCP aren’t worth the paper they are written in terms of support

Your privilege is showing, OP. Unlike your empathy!

She probably feels her child's behaviour is judged by other parents as being "naughty" despite her trying her best as a mum and not being any worse / different from other parents, and is trying to explain it as she feels embarrassed and ashamed.

Perhaps she also has ADHD and her current hyper focus is on her son's condition, that would make a lot of sense as to why she can't stop talking about it, or maybe she's just really anxious about it and it's on her mind.

You do know the waiting list for a diagnosis is about 3 years long in most places AND you can't get diagnosed until 6 at the earliest - so by definition it would be undiagnosed? And CAMHS has nothing to do with it?

It's bloody stressful having a ND kid and waiting for assessments, knowing their kids are telling their parents about their 'naughty' classmate and getting the judgey looks meantime.

I feel sorry for her.

CAMHS won’t accept a referral until a child turns six, maybe she is waiting for that?

Pretty much this.

stop being so nasty

Some parents make their ND child their whole personality ( i have two ND dc btw)

Because she’s anxious and wants to explain the child’s ‘bad’ behaviour in a way that doesn’t make it her fault or the child’s fault.

The extreme rise in diagnoses at the moment suggests that within 5 years that neurotypical will be actually atypical!

It’s so concerning for parents and children alike. I imagine she just can’t stop worrying.

Why doesn't she " just" pursue a diagnosis? Ahahahahahahaha my sides. Yeah " just". Tell her OP, she hasn't thought of it yet

In my experience, I think it’s very clear that it’s this - she’s obviously worried people think his behaviour will reflect badly on her parenting, so wants it known that she thinks he has ADHD to almost excuse it. I totally understand this tbh, it’s so draining when it’s always your kid. She’s probably exhausted dealing with his behaviour most days, and is worried about him. I’d just let this one go and hope she gets the help she needs.

Maybe i'm just old-school but any health or ND concerns with my children, I wouldn't want to talk endlessly about to anyone who listens.

I bet you would if all the kids were telling their parents about her poor behaviour.

I'd say she's very anxious as being seen as the bad mum with the naughty child, so feels the need to over explain at every opportunity.
I have an autistic son who is now an adult, and while I was private generally about DS diagnosis (at 4), I can understand the panic about trying to justify the way your child behaves.
DS wasn't "naughty" but he did do things like lay on the floor if upset, flap and jump when excited and he had a period of school refusal when he was 7 where he would try to run away, cry and just flop. So many people just stare and it can be really stressful feeling their judgement and pity. So I understand her reaction somewhat.
I was "lucky" as I got CAHMS and an EHCP for DS very easily and quickly, but I know now a CAHMS appointment is months and months. It's not quite that easy to just get a diagnosis.

my DD tells me all sort of stories about his behaviour in class and in the dining hall etc.

The mother knows her child is a nightmare and other parents will make sure not to invite him and not letting their children get involved so they don't get in trouble. It does happen, just ask on this forum if many parents of SEND kids have experienced it. Just read about people's experience.

That woman is trying to avoid this, she's going the wrong way, but she's trying to blame the bad behaviour on something.

Yes, ignore and stay away!

she goes on and on and onnnnnn about "needing" an ADHD diagnosis for her DS.

Needing doesn't mean she has taken the first steps. It's a long and painful process, but it won't be a process at all if she doesn't start.

Completely this !

Its a six year waiting list where I live, its not as simple as getting a referral & a diagnosis.

Nailed it.

She sounds concerned, possibly embarrassed, especially if she suspects other children are doing home and moaning to their parents. Maybe she’s struggling and this is her way of trying to cope, to be open and talk about it. Hopefully you are teaching your child to be more accepting of people. Hopefully this Mum is looking for some nicer friends.

Two year wait where I am. I can understand wanting to justify behaviour if that's what you're sure it is.

Maybe you should be discouraging your child from critiquing his classmate?

oh please

Kids tell you about their day, that's normal.
If they can't talk about the friend, the funny friends, the naughty child, what can they talk about.

It's also helpful to know the dynamics, plus it's their day.

Adults go on MN to vent that their co-worker is loud or eat stinky food at their desk. That's normal to vent about others.

It’s one thing being fed up of this school mum in your head…

But posting about her with such disdain on MN really just demonstrates you being the arsehole IMHO.

You don’t have to like the woman, but this all feels a bit nasty and goady.

I agree with this tbh. My oldest has autism and adhd and he occasionally has very serious meltdowns. You see the stares, the judginess, the whispers and giggles behind hands - from other parents. Sometimes you get apparently well-meaning parents try and pump you fir information at a bad time when you are vulnerable and then weaponise it or use it as a gossip point.

It can be utter hell at times.