To wish this mum would give it a rest?

[jane331]

My DC started school last year and, since then, I've got to know quite a few of the mums from the class. One of them in particular, "Emma" (not her real name) is really starting to grate on some of us. At every possible chance she gets, she goes on and on and onnnnnn about "needing" an ADHD diagnosis for her DS. This little boys is in trouble at school most days, my DD tells me all sort of stories about his behaviour in class and in the dining hall etc.
But the mum goes on so much, relentlessly infact, about him having ADHD, although adds on that it's "undiagnosed".
Why not pursue a formal diagnosis from CAMHS or privately, instead of making her own diagnosis and spending hours per week boring the other mums or anyone who's polite enough to listen? I've never heard her going on about "his ADHD" in the local corner shop when I was behind her in the queue. The sales assistant was smiling politely but clearly felt uneasy. Not to mention this mum was holding up the queue.
Who goes on so publicly and relentlessly about their DC health or any medical concerns? Maybe i'm just old-school but any health or ND concerns with my children, I wouldn't want to talk endlessly about to anyone who listens.

I think some people do, they can apply for it from gov.t but it's supposed to go towards the child having a fulfilling and 'normal' life in spite of the difficulties they are faced with.

Lean in close and whisper in her ear: “Stop bleating on, love. Nobody cares.”

I disagree. It may be tempting to do that, but better to just do selective hearing.

@SpottedDeerwhat planet are you on?
a diagnosis of adhd in childhood rarely brings with it bags of money. In fact the grants / allowances which are available do not require a diagnosis as they are needs based.

Eg DLA or carers allowance. But very hard to get and certainly not a reason to go for a diagnosis. As the costs associated with supporting a child with ADHD will outweigh government contribution.

for example DLA for a child starts around £29 per week. But most kids won’t qualify for that.
severely disabled children may receive up to £180 per week but that is for the greatest need.

again I would expect their extra costs (compared to their peers - eg for equipment or travel costs or extra tutors or 1:1 supervision or physical therapy ) would be a helluva lot more than that.

Perhaps she does it to imply/pretend there is an excuse for his bad behaviour, beyond the fact that she has failed to parent him properly.

Some people apply but it's inaccurate and distasteful to imply she's chasing a diagnosis for money. I say this as the parent of a child with physical, medical and learning difficulties who was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I don't get money for that, despite some really ignorant people assuming it would somehow change my child's actual struggles. We didn't even have a clue about DLA for years of all the extra expenses and struggles. All most parents want is to help their children, and it is so hurtful when people act as though we caused our children to struggle in the hope for some free money. This parent is having visible struggles and someone's throwing out a comment about her claiming money as soon as she can, which is vile.

She could be ND herself, she may feel the judgement for others and thats why she feels need to tell everybody (although from my experience some people still judge even if child has profound additional needs) or potentially and most likely a bit of both. Just don't engage in conversations with her and be grateful you don't have the battles she has and your child doesn't have the battles her child has. Takes ages to get an ADHD diagnosis too. My best friend son has ADHD, he got diagnosed aged 10 (he was actually almost 11) and my friend had been fighting for that diagnosis since he was 4.

Well she probably feels like she’s shouting into thin air , it can feel like this in these circumstances, particularly if school / gp are not supportive . And it really is all consuming with a terribly detrimental effect on the whole family.
That said , I have less sympathy for self diagnosed adhd adults in my circle, the ones who are suddenly persistently late (time blind ) since their self diagnosis and make said diagnosis their whole personality.

Yes. You have to have seriously thick skin to block it all out. It sucks. Thank god we have sympathetic mothers like the OP to offer some much-needed support or at the very least basic kindness. Oh.

When DS1 started school I was open about him having SEN and 1:1 support. Perhaps that constituted me droning on and on - I certainly hope it didn’t - I just wanted parents and children to understand.

One parent wanted to know why on earth my child required 1:1 support and a special chair when another child in the class was shorter than him. Genuinely.

You usually end a referral from school/ supporting statement to get an ADHD diagnosis (even privately). You cannot usually diagnose ADHD until aged 5 (as it is hard to differentiate between ADHD and the broad spectrum of developmentally normal at that age). If they have only just started school, he is likely not yet at the stage he can have a formal diagnosis - private or NHS.

*need (annoying autocorrect)

She is probably fed up of being judged for her DC’s behaviour and feels she needs to explain . Is there anyone amongst your Mum group who could help her to get a formal diagnosis for her DC ?

Worried and desperate. The process of diagnosis is a long one. Most parents know before they get an official diagnosis. If you dont like it all remove yourself from her vicinity. Stop bitching. Last thing she needs

Much easier for her to suggest there is a reason for the poor behaviour that is out of her control than to take responsibility for it.

Im sure there are a few genuine cases however the quite frankly ridiculous number or children who supposedly have an issue is nonsense. Nobody ever says they have a naughty, poorly disciplined child these days. Where did they all disappear to?

Unfortunately we live in a world where excuse culture is celebrated. That serves nobody well, neither genuinely impacted DC or those who crave excuses for poor behaviour.

I can understand your feelings OP, and I have ND family members.

I'd wonder if this mum has her own struggles.

The reality is there are no longer poorly parented children, traumatised or badly behaved children - they are all diagnosed or awaiting diagnosis of a neurodivergence to alleviate any parental responsibility.

Poor woman. It sounds like her anxiety is through the roof. I don't know what it's like everywhere but here they don't accept a formal diagnosis unless it comes from the NHS. Also, a lot of people can't afford private a diagnosis. You're very naive to think it's easy to get an ADHD diagnosis. My son got his when he was 8 after being on the waiting list for 2 years. The school wouldn't even consider putting him forward until he was 6. Is this her firstborn? I always think if my DS had been my first how even more overwhelming that would be, navigating parenthood and all the firsts and your child not fitting the norm. You could do with developing some empathy and being less judgey tbh.

Saying "the reality is....." before your shitty opinion doesn't make it true.

It doesn't necessarily invalidate it, either, though...

It is invalid, if there were no poorly parented, traumatised or badly behaved children there would be no children getting taken into care, no social work involvement, no kids getting kicked out of school, no trauma counselling for kids etc.

It's just a shitty opinion from someone who clearly knows fuck all

What a load of crappycrapcrap nonsense @crappycrapcrap
the reality is 20% of the population may be disabled in some way. Incl in schools. Being disabled in an able world, is frustrating and disorientating. Those kids who are delayed with their emotional regulation development may stand out. Those who externalise their upset and pain can be seen by all and their parents spend a lot of time being hauled into speak with teachers about their poor deregulated child.

but some kids don’t externalise it. And then one day they die by suicide or through misadventure. Unseen by the system. Lost in the system. ND individuals are much more likely to die earlier than their peers. Much more likely to be abused. The majority of the prison population are now thought to be undiagnosed ND on entry into the prison population - thought to be around 85%more recent studies. Yes. That is a shocking statistic. This is why Those parents fight and may be loud. So their child is not one of those awful statistics.

SEN parents (ie 20% of the parents you know) are warriors.

it’s Blardy tiring. Fighting everyday. To get a suitable education for your child and hold down the rest of your life.

and yes. This mother may be annoying. But given that the majority of ND kids will have 1 or both parents, plus siblings, who are also ND, then perhaps she is struggling to navigate a system which may or may not be able to accommodate her or her child.

Where I live now it is impossible to access assessment via the NHS (requires school
referral) unless your child is in crisis. Yes. They want us to wait until my DC self harms, fails exams or worse. Rather than enable them to access the keys to understand themselves . Luckily our school did not require a diagnosis to put support around them but it has been tough. We went private in the end as the situation was intolerable. Medication & therapy has made a world of difference and also enabled us to navigate a separate medical condition more easily because they are now able to engage with the treatment programme whilst medicated for their particular ND condition.

so let’s empathise with the OP, because it is annoying when Susan won’t STFU about little Jonny. Whether Jonny is a child genius or a whirling dirvish with undiagnosed ADHD or crippled with Anxiety.

but let’s all be kind and take off the judgey pants.

SEN parents (ie 20% of the parents you know) are warriors.

the day people stop trying to make it into a competition, a constant race to who has it harder, and who is the strongest or parent, people will stop rolling their eyes and you might start getting a bit more sympathy.

Every single parent faces challenges, some harder than others of course, but most you have no idea about. Something that seems trivial for some will be a mountain for others, SEN or not.

but let’s all be kind and take off the judgey pants.
only works if you stop banging on about how much harder it is based on YOUR opinion and judge that others have it easy.