To wish this mum would give it a rest?

[jane331]

My DC started school last year and, since then, I've got to know quite a few of the mums from the class. One of them in particular, "Emma" (not her real name) is really starting to grate on some of us. At every possible chance she gets, she goes on and on and onnnnnn about "needing" an ADHD diagnosis for her DS. This little boys is in trouble at school most days, my DD tells me all sort of stories about his behaviour in class and in the dining hall etc.
But the mum goes on so much, relentlessly infact, about him having ADHD, although adds on that it's "undiagnosed".
Why not pursue a formal diagnosis from CAMHS or privately, instead of making her own diagnosis and spending hours per week boring the other mums or anyone who's polite enough to listen? I've never heard her going on about "his ADHD" in the local corner shop when I was behind her in the queue. The sales assistant was smiling politely but clearly felt uneasy. Not to mention this mum was holding up the queue.
Who goes on so publicly and relentlessly about their DC health or any medical concerns? Maybe i'm just old-school but any health or ND concerns with my children, I wouldn't want to talk endlessly about to anyone who listens.

that's not true.

They're little kids, none of them are "perfect" (and if they were little robots, it would mean something is very wrong)

It's VERY obvious when a child is being parented and when the parents don't accept bad behaviour, or when they use ADHD as an excuse, or no excuse at all. It's always the same parents with "kids that will be kids", kids are allowed to run riots, and are too special to be treated the same way as the 30 other.

Parents who also believe the entire class should revolve around their one child, and rules should apply to anyone but theirs.

It may not be true in your experience but it's literally what happened to me while my daughter was in the process of being assessed, diagnosed and we fought for her place at her SEN school.

It's also something I've seen happen to other parents like me in my 20 years of working in schools

That’s shocking!

For anyone on here that can afford a private diagnosis clinics take kids from 5 upwards

Costs vary from £200 to £700 ish and the wait will be weeks not years
( we waited a few days )

You are speaking from a position of privilege; quite simply you don’t understand how long and lonely the wait for a diagnosis is! It’s not as easy as you seem to think to get any support.

I first spoke to a medical professional about my son when he was 2, he didn’t receive a diagnosis until he was 9 (ASD & ADHD). Those years were absolutely awful & anxiety filled - I probably “over explained” the reasons for his behaviour. I was struggling and anxious.

I felt incredibly judged by mums like you and I knew it was happening, whispering and fake smiles didn’t hide their distain of my son.

I hope this poor Mum finds her people and the support she needs.

My daughter is 13 and we are still waiting for formal diagnosis for ADHD because
a) we don’t have 3k for a private diagnosis
b) waiting list is many years long
c ) the process is so soul destroying it breaks the toughest of people
d) we have an EHCP so can’t face the process again

the heart beak that your precious child will
a) not make friends
b) not do well at school
c) be the talk of the parents
d) be the pain in all teachers bums
e) be talked about in the staff room
f) party invites will be v v v scarce
g) much much higher chance of drug abuse and criminal activity
h) 89% more likely to be excluded from school
I) higher rate of unemployment
not to mention the lack of sleep and meltdowns that she is dealing with at home every single day

I was about to say I’d probably teach my child that some children struggle with what are deemed as quite ‘regular’ activities but then I realise that the mum lacks sympathy.

ADHD diagnosis isn’t £3k
We paid about £700 and my son got an appointment within days

All accepted by the GP who then referred him to ADHD360 for treatment etc. straight away

Is this an attempt at yet another ADHD bashing post?

🤔

I agree with previous posters that she's probably looking to explain his behaviour.

She also might be in talks with the school SENDCO to pursue a diagnosis for all you know. It can take years on the NHS waiting list but schools help with referrals.

all the kids struggle, so that's not terribly helpful. they are not stupid, they would all rather go and play football than sit down to do maths (or whatever they are doing that year), or not wear the uniform, they are not blind and see that it's just that rules don't apply to everyone.

Valuable life lesson!

I’m referring to SEN children here darling, as the child she is talking about has suspected SEN. Not sure if you’re deliberately being obtuse.

Hi OP,h

I think there are many explanations and reasons why this school mum is repeatedly voicing this issue. Please be kind as it sounds like she is struggling, perhaps desperately so, to have reached the stage you describe. Undoubtedly her mental health is suffering. It is unlikely to come down to one thing but probably a combination of things like:

Worry, fear
Stress
Anxiety, uncertainty
Embarrassment about DS behaviour
Lack of control and influence over DS behaviour.
Guilt. Feeling responsible for the problems/ disruptions in and out of school.
Worry about the character and behaviour changes in DS, again out of her control. Feelings of loss and sadness related to these changes.
Self doubt (‘was it something I did/ didn’t do?’, ‘’am I doing the right things’, ‘is it my fault?’ etc), more guilt.
Exhaustion
Frustration
Feelings of helplessness, maybe even hopelessness if it has been going on a while.
She may (falsely or rightly) be feeling eyes of judgement on her from other parents and teachers, also family, neighbours (think of all the people your DC connect with and the number of social interactions and relationships it involves).
Loneliness and desperation.
Possible mental health difficulties and/or ND herself

The pressure of all this will perpetuate a cycle of these emotions.The longer it goes on the more she gets worried and anxious and will feel her parenting is under the spotlight. So it is understandable to see how this could be having a big impact on the mum. The situation, with the love, care and concern for her son at the centre will probably be constantly playing on her mind.

She will be trying to deal with how to manage and support her DS, whilst probably feeling like she is failing the whole time.

Please try and put yourself in her shoes and extend kindness to her as much as you are able OP. Never underestimate the power of a listening ear, it can be a lifesaver.

I worked in dementia care and understand the challenges of how hard it can be to handle repetitions and distress, and sometimes it doesn’t feel like anything can or will help. But I promise you, any time you take to listen and care, even a little bit WILL make a difference to that person. Please bear in mind others will be probably trying to avoid her for the same reason and she may be feeling increasingly isolated.

One last thing, it is a known psychological factor that witnessing the discomfort and desperation of others makes us feel uncomfortable. It is unsettling. Not a nice feeling at all. I have been guilty sometimes of changing channel when those long aid adverts come on TV as many people do because it is hard to look suffering in the face. Especially when caught off guard and your mind is busy on other things. It makes us feel uneasy, maybe even put out, and I think our instinct is to look away (ie self preserve) or move away from the thing that makes us feel uncomfortable.

I do chose to watch and donate sometimes, but not every time. Just like I don’t always make the extra time to spend with friends when I’m trying to deal with life’s challenges. We are only human, and there will definitely be days when you need/ want to avoid her OP, but if you can, try and be there and listen. A step towards her when others have kept their distance could make the world of difference to that person.

Id guess she’s embarrassed too. How do you know that she’s grating on some of the other mums? Have you been bitching about her?

This is Mean Girls. This woman is anxious about her child and goes on and on about needing an ADHD diagnosis. It’s obviously a bit tedious to listen to but yiu know perfectly well that she’s distressed and concerned: what are you hoping to achieve posting about it?

My guess is you wanted to trigger a pile on about neurodiversity and what a load of rubbish it is.

Nice try.

really starting to grate on some of us @jane331

Aw look at you, head of the committee of mums being bothered by this poor mother's behaviour.

Don't for one second think any of them are your actual friends and won't turn on you and your DD at some point.

You'd be better off trying to make actual friends instead of gossiping and feeling so self righteous.

When you are realising your child has neurodiversity (often around reception class, where the differences start to stand out), it really is all you can think of.

she also may be trying to explain her child’s behaviour so you and the other school mums don’t think poorly of her or her child.

she talks to you and other school mums about it because it’s what you all share in common. You have children in the same class. She doesn’t share this common denominator with that lady In the corner shop therefore it doesn’t come up in discussion.

she also might be looking for reassurance from other mums, that 1: he’s being age appropriate and other children act like this too. Or 2: that people don’t mind and understand him and have tolerance.

Try and have some grace for her and her son.

you might want to re-read the discussion, "darling" because you are the one who is being obtuse or having problem to understand

She’s probably also got it which is why she might seem a bit OTT and disorganised with getting the diagnosis - or maybe she’s just waiting for an appointment which can take a while.

She bored you, so you thought you'd bore us about a woman we don't even know.
Tell her what you've put here, bet you wouldn't dare.
Also your not really friends. Good friends wouldn't speak of their friends like this.

Nothing forced you to read the whole of the OP, let alone comment.
That's what MN is for, venting safely to complete strangers.

Also your not really friends
nowhere did the OP said she was, they just happened to have had a child the same year, hardly a friendship.

She could be at her wits end. And maybe feels judged by the other mums.

Speaking from experience, it can be a very long, stressful and sometimes very lonely process trying to get support when you have a child who doesn’t yet have a diagnosis.

My son took years to get his autism assessment, but we knew he had it early on.

Wtf. You do realise you don't just "get money" for a diagnosis? Wake up.

Munchausen by proxy?

If my child had any ND issue I may discuss possibilities with family depending on what it was but with anyone else? No.

I don't think that. Sounds like she's just venting. Some people make their children out to be all sorts of things for their own selfish aims. The dignified thing to do is not act like the other Mum.